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Visiting my skinny mom

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Old 01-28-2009, 05:31 PM   #1
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Default Visiting my skinny mom

My mom wants me to visit her in March. She is on my case about my weight. We have a good relationship except for this one area, which has really been a bone of contention.

I AM able to (kindly) tell her that I really don't want to talk about it, but she'll keep bringing it up, or else she's silent, but I know what she's thinking and it still bothers me. The problem is, when I'm at HER house, with HER food, I feel like a kid again, and a lot of times it will trigger a binge.

I'm not blaming her. It's my responsibility not to let others dictate my actions, but so far I haven't been very successful. I let it get to me, and then I eat.

I've just started a new way of eating healthfully, exercising, and trying to take care of myself. I wonder if it's worth the risk to my being OP to visit her, or if I should wait until I'm more secure, and have more established habits.
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Old 01-28-2009, 05:33 PM   #2
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Can she visit you instead?
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Old 01-28-2009, 07:29 PM   #3
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that may be a possibility
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Old 01-28-2009, 07:34 PM   #4
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honey, i have an aunt who is constantly on me about my weight. "oh honey you're face is fuller" "oh nicole gaining a little weight huh"

when my mom dropped her weight it was "nicole when are you gonna start"

i dont' even like visiting her

To me, the fact that you are OP and that you are trying should work but I don't know you're mom that well
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Old 01-28-2009, 07:48 PM   #5
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This wont be easy, but could be a fantastic time for your relationship.

I would start with a letter, well before your visit. A letter allows people to digest, and re-digest without having to respond hastily.

Here is a rambling, but this is something like I would send her. Then follow up a week or so later and see if she can be the type of support you need, or if it would be less stress for her to just come to your house

Dear Mom, first of all I want you to know I love you. I love you unconditionally. And deep inside my heart I know you love me unconditionally too! I also know you want the best for me. That is why I have to say this.
My weight is something I am trying very hard to work on right now. This will nto be a quick fix. But I am getting things under control, and I am certainly headed in the right direction. I would like to ask a favor from you, I know you would love to help me in any way you can. I would like to share with you a few typical days menu plans. These are the things that I have found works for me. Again, I am in control now, I cannot have my mommy fix it. I need you to allow me that. Can you do that? I don't want my visit to be a stress for either one of us, and I also don't want to go off my plan because I am trying to please you. I know you want me to be healthy, but right now I need a particular kind of support which is not something you would normally give
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Old 01-28-2009, 07:51 PM   #6
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I agree with Redflame, chances are if you talk to her directly she won't really let it sink in. You should explain to her that what she says to you causes distress, which can end with you eating for comfort. It's not that you're blaming her for your eating habits, but she needs to understand how she can affect it and how it makes you feel.
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Old 01-28-2009, 07:58 PM   #7
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Red Flame - Your idea of a letter is a really great idea. That would be a really great way to break the ice without putting Mom on the defensive. As a Mom myself - I can honestly say that if I felt someone were critiquing my parenting skills (even if it were one of my kids) I would go on the defensive (at least until I had a chance to get over it and think about it). I think it boils to down to not wanting to think that as Mom you are not being the best Mom.....

But, a letter, a private letter that I could read by myself and have the opportunity to put everything in perspective and give me a chance to reach out and say "Honey - I am so proud of you - tell me anything and everything I can do to help you and make our visit so enjoyable...."
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Old 01-29-2009, 12:52 AM   #8
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I'd be a bit more straightforward..."Mom, I love you. I know you love me but my weight bothers you. I want you to know your comments are hurtful. I will not be able to visit if you bring up my weight." Period.

My family wouldn't be interested in being helpful with OP foods or what I was doing to lose weight, so I wouldn't bring that up.

You know your Mom. You really should say something, not just visit and let her hurt your feelings. Which approach do you think would go over better?
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Old 01-29-2009, 04:40 AM   #9
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I like the letter idea & the her visiting you idea...
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Old 01-29-2009, 03:27 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle98272 View Post
I'd be a bit more straightforward..."Mom, I love you. I know you love me but my weight bothers you. I want you to know your comments are hurtful. I will not be able to visit if you bring up my weight." Period.

My family wouldn't be interested in being helpful with OP foods or what I was doing to lose weight, so I wouldn't bring that up.

You know your Mom. You really should say something, not just visit and let her hurt your feelings. Which approach do you think would go over better?
I'm not sure which approach would be better, I'll have to think about it.

I know I wouldn't tell her I was trying to lose weight. She's very opinionated about what foods are acceptable "diet" foods. "Bread? you're eating bread? I thought you were on a diet!" So, no, I don't want her watching every bite I put in my mouth. I'd rather just keep my plan to lose weight to myself. She would NOT understand that I'm not on a diet, that I'm changing the way I eat permanently.

It may be best for me to just wait and visit, or have her visit this summer. I know her point of view isn't going to change, so it's me that needs to change. I need to be secure enough, and have enough success under my belt so that I know I AM going to do this, even if she thinks I can't.
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Old 01-29-2009, 08:24 PM   #11
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Old 01-29-2009, 10:12 PM   #12
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Well, if you can't tell her you are dieting, I would just invite her up. With my mom it would be difficult to navigate around since she usually cooks at my house too but maybe you can just make a point to only have OP foods around and make sure you do the cooking. Then you wouldn't have to say anything??
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Old 01-29-2009, 10:19 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicki rose98 View Post
honey, i have an aunt who is constantly on me about my weight. "oh honey you're face is fuller" "oh nicole gaining a little weight huh"

when my mom dropped her weight it was "nicole when are you gonna start"

i dont' even like visiting her

To me, the fact that you are OP and that you are trying should work but I don't know you're mom that well
I have an aunt that is REALLY weight obsessed. I was at my highest weight right before I visited my family at Christmas and i avoided seeing her because even if I didn't hear her, I knew she would be running her mouth to someone. One of the last times I saw her, we were all eat dinner together, her my uncle, mom and dad, brother, ect and a heavy set man waked in, he was pretty large, she leaned over to my uncle and whispered "if you ever got that big I would tie a string around your throat so you couldn't swallow" I was just in shock. She was serious to.
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Old 01-30-2009, 10:52 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willow650 View Post
and a heavy set man waked in, he was pretty large, she leaned over to my uncle and whispered "if you ever got that big I would tie a string around your throat so you couldn't swallow" I was just in shock. She was serious to.
UGH! I mean, I've told my husband when I've seen huge people "honey, I will never let you get that big. Please don't let me get that big either. Stop me before it even gets close to that." But "tie a string around your throat"?? ugh... just ugh...
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