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Old 01-20-2009, 10:47 PM   #1
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Default Stressed - Need some positive energy

I am reaching out for some positive thoughts.

These past two years have been really rough on my family. Lost some members, had some others get really ill. Thought the black cloud had finally went away. Came home to find out that my brother had a massive heart attack. He is in ICU right now. It looks like he is going to pull through. But, to be honest, I don't know how long he is going to last.

I love my brother and I honestly thought that he had finally clued into the fact that he has got to change his ways. With the exception of alcohol and illegal drugs he has every bad habit known to man. He eats too much (what he does eat is anything but healthy), drinks anything BUT water, smokes too much, does not exercise. He is beyond moribidly obese. I figured out a long time ago that nagging and harping does nothing for him. When he does decide to lose weight - he will only go for the quick fixes. He was lined up for the bariatric surgery - but now that he has had this heart attack - I don't see how they could even consider him as a candidate. His blood sugars were through the roof, they actually cheered when his blood pressure dropped below 200/160 - the cheering point was 199/139.

But, if you nag him - you just alienate him. So what do I do? I may end up flying home to help take care of him - they are not sure if they can even safely do surgery on him for the massive damage that was done to his heart.

How do you get through to someone like this?

Last edited by Randi; 01-20-2009 at 10:54 PM.
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Old 01-20-2009, 10:52 PM   #2
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Wow-you do have a plateful there. Don't know really what to say that will help this situation but my prayers are with you and your family. I hope that your brother pulls through and can see he has been given another chance and starts to make better choices in his life.

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Old 01-20-2009, 11:00 PM   #3
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I am so sorry to hear you are hurting. You can just keep trying to encourage him into a healthier lifestyle, and try to be as positive as you can with him. I know that I heard a lot of negative comments about my weight, and it never pushed me to change, but only made me more hurt and angry. I only started to change my life for the better when I was ready. It took years, but it had to come within me. It must be extremely difficult for you and your family, but just let him know that you are there for him. I truly hope he realises that he is important and he needs to get healthy for himself. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. Good luck, Hon.
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Old 01-20-2009, 11:15 PM   #4
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Wow I am so so sorry that you and your brother are going through this right now I think that by supporting him, telling him you love him and care about him and want him to be around... that could be the best thing you could do.

He KNOWS what to do to lose weight and get healthy. It has to be his choice. I hope he sees this as a wake up call

*many hugs*
On my own personal journey I started on September 27, 2008
Starting weight 377, Weight in spring of 2010 198, Weight in August 2011? In the 240's.
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Old 01-20-2009, 11:58 PM   #5
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What a hard thing to be going through right now!! I agree with Cfmama, He knows what he needs to do (We all do! ) Just love him. That's all you can do. Tell him you love him and tell him you are there for him in any way you can be.

My mom had a heart attack last June and it changed her life. She quit smoking & drinking, started eating healthy, started to exercise...She lost 30 lbs (She is a petite little thing...) when before she couldn't be bothered. She was afraid she'd not live to see her Grandchildren grow up. Big health scares can be the very rude wake up call! It changed my mom's life.

First Mini-Goal: Lose 10 lbs. Met 2/22/2010
Second Mini-Goal: 20 lbs. down Met 4/23/2010
Third Mini-Goal: Lost 10% body weight (27 lbs down) Met 9/13/2010
Fourth Mini-Goal: Lose 8 more lbs to = 40 lbs lost :
Back on track:9/5/2011 First goal: get back to 246
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Old 01-21-2009, 12:34 AM   #6
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I can't imagine what I would do - my brothers are super important to me and though all have been heavy at times, I've always been the biggest one in my family.

I definitely appreciate that they have never nagged me and just listened when I went off on some new scheme about how I was going to get in shape.

But I know I would be sorely tempted to lecture the **** out of them if I were in your position, but I also know that would probably just make everything worse.

I agree with Cfmama - love him, be there for him. Encourage him. Share your own journey with him if he seems open to it. Make him some really great tasting but healthy foods while he is recovering to model that eating healthy doesn't need to mean sacrificing flavor.

Hang in there, don't enable him, be honest, be caring, don't nag but don't be afraid to talk to him about his health either.

Ok I really have no idea what the best thing to do is, but there's all my random thoughts.
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Old 01-21-2009, 06:54 AM   #7
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So sorry to hear about your brother. I'm sure you might be feeling helpless to do something about his health. Just let him know how much he means to you and that you love him and maybe lead by example with your own health. Hang in there and all our thoughts are with ya.
"They laugh because I am different...I laugh because they are all the same", unknown]

Last edited by TraceyElaine; 01-21-2009 at 06:55 AM.
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Old 01-21-2009, 08:15 AM   #8
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Randi, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I hope he heals quickly and chooses to turn his life around. As far as what you can do...just reassure him that you love him and are there for him. Everything else is his choice and there really isn't anything you can do to convince him to change.
- Rhonda

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Old 01-21-2009, 11:59 AM   #9
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How do you get through to someone like this?
Sadly, you don't. Unfortunately you can't make someone do the "right" thing. They must want to do it for themselves. All you can possibly do is set a good example for him. Maybe he will notice the changes you have made and be inspired to do the same.

I hope he has a full recovery. Maybe, just maybe this will be the wake-up call he needed.
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Old 01-21-2009, 12:06 PM   #10
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My husband has a sister who is at great risk for health issues. He wants to help redirect her but she is no dope, understands her risks.

As we all know, weight loss and lifestyle change is really hard and only the individual can make the changes. We can be loving and supportive of good health but that's all.

Frustrating? Very.


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Last edited by kittycat40; 01-21-2009 at 12:07 PM.
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Old 01-21-2009, 12:23 PM   #11
One pound at a time...
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I can only echo everything else that has been said. Be there to support and love him, but he has to be ready, no one can make him. I know personally, that it really came down to my own decision and no one else's. You can not force someone to lose weight, and for me, in the past when anyone made a comment dug in my heels and stuffed my face. Unfortunately he needs to make the decision on his own.
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Old 01-21-2009, 12:53 PM   #12
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Like the other said, you can't make someone change their habits. You can only lead by example. Give him your love and stay hopeful that he will start to help himself. Sending love and hugs to you

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Old 01-21-2009, 01:37 PM   #13
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Just try and keep your head up. You are a strong person. You are so right about alienating people if you nag to much but at the same time you love them and want to reach
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Old 01-21-2009, 07:44 PM   #14
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Thank you all so much.... You have no idea how much your posts mean to me. You are all so right - it is frustrating - but I have made a committment to keep my mouth shut.... YOU HAVE NO IDEA what a challenge that is for me....

I was able to talk to him for a short period of time today. He tried to pretty up the situation - then I talked to our mother later. He has some pretty intense heart damage. He thought he was going to be getting out of there lickity-split.... HA HA jokes on him. He is going to be in there for several days - long enough for him to get past the chemical dependency portion of the cigarettes - he will still have to get past the habit portion - which is the hardest part - I know - been there, done that, had some relapses and gone through it again MANY TIMES. Anyway - he is in there for at least several more days. He is getting no nicotine, no caffeine.... I feel so sorry for him - but I am so happy about that at the same time.

This is what I told him on the phone- "I love you - I want you to know that I am here for you no matter what, if you have any questions or don't understand something - let me know, I have resources that I can tap for information. If you need any help with any suggestions or directions that they are giving you - let me know -- even if it is just vent about the "crap" that they are putting you through. I am your biggest supporter because I love you - you just don't realize how much."

I think that was pretty good, I feel like I made myself more of an ally/support system and I don't think I pushed too hard... I hope I didn't. I just wanted him to know that someone was on his side.
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