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Old 10-27-2008, 09:04 PM   #1
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Default Will this pain ever end? (OT)

Hi Chicks,

I needed to put this somewhere, I am so hurt and lost now. My Fiancee left me 3 weeks ago. He says that he can't be what I need. He can't do the whole married with children thing. He says he can never be what I need so he left. He says he loves me, but he can't be the kind of guy who comes home for dinner and tv. He told me he's an alcoholic (We own a bar together) All he wants to do is drink and smoke pot. I lost him, by business, the people there that I care about.

I dont know what to do with myself. I haven't walked into our bedroom since he left. I sleep on the couch. I walk for hours every day because I can't be in the house. There are so many memories. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Everything is familiar, my home, my town, my car . . . but it all feels different.

I don't know what I did wrong. Did he leave because I gained some weight? Because of something I did or didn't do? Im not good enough for him? I can't stop crying. I've turned into a pathetic bowl of jello.

Thanks for letting me dump. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I want my life back and it kills me that he loves his bar more than he loves me.

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Old 10-27-2008, 09:10 PM   #2
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Oh honey, I'm so sorry! I know this is a really icky time for you. I know it's hard, but try to look at the positive: you are getting healthier, there are no kids involved, and you're finding out now instead of after years of marriage.
That being said, I know it's rough. Vent as much as you need to!
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:19 PM   #3
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Any time you get sad, try to think of every bad thing he's done or said, or anything about him that irks you. Focus on that, do not think about the good times or anything like that, for now.

Time will heal. I promise. I'm so sorry.

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Old 10-27-2008, 09:42 PM   #4
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Dear one, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain now. But listen, it's about him, not about you... and I guarantee you, being married to an alcoholic pothead is not want you want to do. I think he's told you the truth. He doesn't want to change, he wants to stay in his bar until he drinks and smokes himself right to death. You would not have much of a life.

Do what you can to get through the day... Do you own the bar legally together? Have you talked to a lawyer about it? Please consider doing that if you own the property jointly, because he should buy you out of your share. Don't trust him to do what's right.

There are many other people in the world. You can get through this. Take care of yourself.

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Old 10-27-2008, 09:48 PM   #5
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I am so sorry that you are going through a break-up. What you are going through is the tough part and that is having an identity of your own.

Perhaps it's the best thing for you if he is an alcoholic and gets high all of the time. How could you not be good enough for someone like this? Would you want someone like him as the father of your children? What might help is if you think about how your life will be with this man ten years from now. This helped me get out of a marriage that was headed towards ****. I was involved with an alcoholic who smoked pot like some people chain-smoke cigarettes.

What might help is if you go talk to a counselor. I'm thinking that you might be too good for him. Sounds like he doesn't want any type of responsibilities connected to being married. It's not you, it's him.

Re-claim your house and bedroom. Repaint your room and re-arrange your furniture. It will make you feel better. If you have mutual friends, that doesn't mean you have lost them. If they are siding with your ex- then they are not your friends.

Take care.
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Old 10-27-2008, 09:57 PM   #6
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Dear SeaShell, It is not your weight, your hair, your cooking or cleaning - it's reality hitting him in the face...he knows that he will not be the man you deserve because he is not willing to change...and to completely leave is easier on him then try to keep a friendship going.

Your in our thoughts and although you don't know us - You Do Have Friends Here - Take Care Of Yourself

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Old 10-27-2008, 10:23 PM   #7
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So sorry for your pain. Be thankful that he was truthful with you. This will pass, I know it doesn't seem like it now. I agree about the bar , he doesn't seem like a good partner in business as well as life. Can you buy him out?
Or see if he wants to buy you out. It is not a good idea to be so closely associated with him, it will only bring more pain.
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Old 10-27-2008, 10:44 PM   #8
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The reason he left is all about him...NOT you.

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. From what you wrote, it appears that this is for the best in the long run. You just need to take care of you until time and distance begins to heal the hurt...and it will...

You will come out stronger.

Take care...

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Old 10-27-2008, 10:44 PM   #9
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I am so sorry you are in such pain but time does heal all wounds. And yes, I reiterate what the other folks are saying-it is better for you in the long run that he told you up front and you didnt spend years in marriage to find that out. And you will heal, and move on. You will meet someone else who is not an alcoholic or drug user, that shares your dreams and long term plans. My husband left me a few years ago (moved out while I was out of town on business) and I thought my life was over. It took me over a year before I could face dating someone else-I had been with my husband for 14 years. But I did date again-and dated some wonderful men before I found the one I have been with for the past year and a half. And my husband is now supporting a child he had from his affair (which is long over) and in debt up to his eyeballs...he is always telling me how he screwed up the best thing he ever had...and all I can say is YES HE DID. So take time for yourself, practice extreme self care-read, take long baths, get a mani/pedi, indulge in a hobby-whatever makes you happy. And I strongly suggest finding a support group outside of your friends and family that can give you a totally unbiased opinion...there are many wonderful groups on meetup.com and I strongly recommend Al-Anon--those people have been through much of what you are going through now. God bless and keep posting as we are all here for you.
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Old 10-27-2008, 11:02 PM   #10
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Oh I am so sorry that you are feeling so crappy right now (hugs)
On my own personal journey I started on September 27, 2008
Starting weight 377, Weight in spring of 2010 198, Weight in August 2011? In the 240's.
Still plugging along on this weight loss highway!
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Old 10-27-2008, 11:34 PM   #11
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I was in a relationship for 3 years, and he decided that he didn't want to be anymore.

The best thing that I did for myself was to not contact him at all unless absolutely necessary. When I did talk to him, I didn't talk about "us." Did it take me a while to get over him? Yes, but I'm happy now. I'm married to a man who makes me happier and treats me better than he ever did.

Sometimes life throws us curveballs but the best thing you can do for yourself is to get in a good cry, and then pick up and move on like it never happened. Start living your life the way that you want to, don't contact him unless absolutely necessary, don't hang out with him, don't "chat" with him because it will only hurt you. If he contacts you, end the conversation as soon as possible. DO NOT talk to him about missing him.

Maybe he'll realise what he's lost and he'll come back to you, but don't hold out and wait for it. Move on with your life. Time will continue on whether you want it to or not, and I know it's hard to believe.. but your pain will lessen with time.
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Old 10-27-2008, 11:42 PM   #12
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Unfortunately, this man may hit bottom one day and realize all he has thrown away for his alcohol, but that is not your problem. He has left a hole in your life that I hope you can fill with the love from friends and family. Perhaps you could get away for a couple of weeks for some solace and to sort out your thoughts? Go stay with your mom, an aunt, a sister? I hope you have some indignant girlfriends that will help you get angry, which is the other side of sadness and depression in cases like this. I am angry for you! NO one deserves the pain and destruction an alcoholic leaves behind.

This is what I learned from having an alcoholic father:
Alcohol does the talking and alcohol does the walking. Alcoholics live their lives around their addiction and it doesn't mean that they don't care about you, your life together or their own lives! The alcohol makes the rules and rules the roost. It distorts feelings and numbs morality and it leads to emotional dwarfism. You can grow beyond this guy, but it takes time. And someday you may even forgive him. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that leaves pain and destruction in its wake.
I have made it to onederland!
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Old 10-28-2008, 12:26 AM   #13
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If he can not choose you over alcohol or pot then he just plain isn't good enough for you. Though I think it was really selfish of him to tell you he still loved you (kinda cowardly).. almost like he wanted to string you on so if he decided to "try again" you would be waiting for him.
Yes it hurts, and no it isn't your fault. You can't make someone love you it just doesn't work that way. And it isn't your weight. If he loved you that would not matter.. you just don't see the weight.
Everyone who replied have it all right. Even though it hurts right now and you can not see it yet, you are BETTER off without him. More time to love yourself, and work on YOUR goals.

You deserve some big hugs and lots of love. Maybe spend some time with your family and friends and if you need to cry do it. Think of this as a new begining.

RESTART with new goal of 120!
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Old 10-28-2008, 07:00 AM   #14
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I echo everything that has been said above. Now, buy a journal and write. Write all your pain. Maybe write a letter (which you will NOT SEND) to him about all the good things...and about the rest as well.

I have a friend who did this...and then held a "burial" ceremony for her marriage. She brought along some of the significant souvenirs. She burned her letter. She mourned. She acknowledged that she needed to grieve for her relationship, even though it maybe wasn't everything she thought it was.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve better.

Hugs and good wishes to you...this is awful, but this too shall pass.

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Old 10-28-2008, 08:06 AM   #15
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Thank you for all of your support ladies. I keep reading your posts over and over and they make me feel better. I miss him so much, but I know that I can't go back. I just wish this pain would end. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy and find love again. Is that even possible? Can you find love twice in a lifetime? Should I start looking now and try to get over this with someone new? Or should I wait? I dont know what to do to start to heal.

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