One of the things my mom used to tell me that I always fought against was that sometimes you just NEED a good cry. I never wanted to cry - I always wanted to be strong, not weak and "girly". So I think that was where I channeled a lot of my emotion into food.
But as I've broken that emotional hold, I've found that my mom was right. Sometimes you just gotta have a good cry about something and not be embarassed by it.
I hate to cry. It feels like I might open something up that might never stop. Yeah, I have emotional issues But holding it back makes me feel yucky too. I really feel like I'm doing myself a favor whenever I just let it out, whether I understand it or not. I think it is good for you, not just emotionally, but physically too.
I've just finished reading this thread from beginning to end. I'm filled with so much inspiration, emotion, and gratitude to be able to be part of it.
There are some amazing words of wisdom in here.
Avi, congrats on making the next right choice for your life and your health!
Thanks to all of you who share so openly and honestly about your struggles and your solutions.
I can not believe how connected I feel right now.
Thanks for reminding me that on this site no one is in this journey alone!!!
Tammy
Thank you all again. You know, coming here makes me feel so much less alone. Especially the crying thing. Generally, I cry when I'm alone. For some reason (and maybe I need deep therapy to discover why), even with close friends and family I feel afraid to open up. Like afraid for them to know the real me, or what I'm really feeling. And so I only cry alone. And then I feel like I'm crazy afterwards, like why am I crying?
I went to an OA meeting, where they said obesity is an illness of loneliness. Any of you agree with that? I asked a member to explain that, and she said that most obese people (I hate the word obese) do most of their eating when they're alone.
Anyway, today was 2 steps forward, one back. I was doing OK, and had in fact asked a personal trainer in the gym where I work (I work at a Y, in the preschool office. There's a gym in the building) to make a routine for me to follow. I was so proud of myself! Normally, I've been afraid to work out in front of people. So I came to work today, had a healthy breakfast. Then, one of the teachers was baking (they are always baking with the kids) cookies, and brought me the delicious smelling cookie sheet and said to take a cookie. I said no, I'm really trying to be good. She insisted, and said just have one, it won't hurt. Well, I caved and took one. Then, someone else in the building called in the afternoon and said they had a meeting in the boardroom and there was a lot of pizza left. They set aside a pie and I can come get it and put it out for the teachers. Well, of course I took a slice.
So my first instinct is my day is ruined, tomorrow's Friday, then there's the weekend, I blew it and will start over on Monday.
But then, I remembered not to throw myself down the stairs! A healthy breakfast (a bowl of cereal. I usually skip breakfast. Or eat ice cream and potato chips), 1 slice and 1 cookie doesn't spoil my day. And I will work out, no matter how much I don't want to.
Really, you are all lifesavers. Really, literally, lifesavers.
So I'll give you a few more thoughts ('cause I'm mouthy, mostly! )
Crying - I know exactly what you mean. In fact, I lost a relationship over this exact issue. I have always been the "strong" one and in my last relationship I would never cry in front of my guy. I just couldn't. I didn't want him to see me being weak. We broke up, and even then I never cried in front of him. I went home and sobbed into my pillow instead - and then hid the effects and went on with my life. We're still friends of a sort and he has since met someone else. One of the things that he finds hugely attractive, he says, is that she's got deep emotions and isn't afraid to share them, to cry, to whatever. *smack* Talk about a knife to the heart. And I know he doesn't mean to be hurtful, but it's made me realize some things about myself - about being "in control" and hiding my feelings. It's not always a good thing. Hiding how you feel from your family and loved ones can be harmful. Not that you should become a weeping mess all the time, of course, but being human and emotional isn't failure. I'm still learning that.
As for the woman who said "oh have one - it won't hurt" ... I think we should all start fighting back against people who force food on us. Not in a mean way. But the next time you say "no thank you" and someone says "it won't hurt" - look them straight in the eye and ask "why is it so important to you that I eat something I don't want?" The fact that you told her you were trying and she pushed one on you anyway is rude of her, and I think people deserve to be called out on their rudeness (nicely, of course). So next time just ask her, why she is insisting when you're working really hard.
Ok, finally about the obesity being a disease of lonliness - I'm not entirely sure I agree. I think that it's one of the facets of it, yes, but not entirely. I know a lot of people who got fat eating with friends - because you can't say "no" in a social setting. YOu don't want to be the person *not* eating. You don't want to be the loser not getting a dessert. You don't want to not share the cameraderie of going out to eat. It's just that those of us who are obese don't stop when the skinny ones do.
I went to an OA meeting, where they said obesity is an illness of loneliness. Any of you agree with that? I asked a member to explain that, and she said that most obese people (I hate the word obese) do most of their eating when they're alone.
I think that it can be for a lot of people. Not that I didn't eat in front of others, but I sure did my "real" eating alone.
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I said no, I'm really trying to be good. She insisted, and said just have one, it won't hurt. Well, I caved and took one.
People like this annoy me. And I'm actually glad you've found a food-pusher early on. You are now going to be able to begin to combat her. I don't mean an all out war, but if she (or any other food pusher) tries to get you to eat something you don't want, you don't need any excuse. "No, thanks, not now" is a perfect answer. That "won't hurt" reply... more annoying than ANY other reply... I'd like to say back "What if I choke on it? Then it will." But, honestly, I'd say, "I just don't feel like cookies right now." They don't need to know about my diet. And they have no power over my mouth.
Don't forget that even if you did take one, you can say "I'll have it for dessert after lunch." And then promptly (and secretly) toss it out. This is one of my favorite things to do to food pushers. And it may be horrible of me, but it's because it makes them think they're winning. And they didn't
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But then, I remembered not to throw myself down the stairs! A healthy breakfast (a bowl of cereal. I usually skip breakfast. Or eat ice cream and potato chips), 1 slice and 1 cookie doesn't spoil my day. And I will work out, no matter how much I don't want to.
Oh goodness... I'm tearing up! I'm getting so excited about this, it's a little silly of me! Oh what the heck... all out!
Avi, I am so so SO happy for you! You are starting a whole new way of handling food problems! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
I'm not sure I agree with the OA person who said that obesity is a disease of loneliness. I have no doubt that it is for that person. It's unwise to assume that just because we have the same symptom we are struggling with the same problem. Is my nose running because I have a cold or is it allergies?
The others have already given you the advice I would have regarding the food pusher. So I won't beat a dead horse.
For stepping outside your comfort zone and asking for help from the trainer at work and for going to that OA meeting!!!!!
Letting people know about our goals and asking for their help is a HUGE step towards success.
Oh oh oh! I just thought of some advice re: the food pusher. (Of course, whether you're comfortable with it will depend a lot on how well you know her and how much time you spend around her.)
One of the things I did when I started my new program was talk to my friends who were enabling me. I told them what I was after and how I wanted to get healthier and was afraid to let my condition get any worse because my mobility and my livelihood were at stake. I asked them to please not offer me junk food any more. So far they've been very good about it!
Last edited by twilit tera; 09-18-2008 at 03:49 PM.
Maybe you could keep something really gross in your desk and say, "OK, I'll take one, but only if you have one of my (insert gross thing here)." Bwahaha.
I struggle with crying in front of others because it wasn't OK in my family. I was told repeatedly that I needed to get a thicker skin. I guess I did, complete with a layer of fat! Now, I feel stronger when I have the courage to face the emotions rather than hide from them with food. Funny how perspectives change. I sometimes feel guilty when I "force" people to "deal" with my emotions when I expose them, like they're an inconvenience.
I'm glad you're all here. Ufi, when you say you got that thicker skin, along with the fat, I so relate!
I really want to get rid of the fat. But today, I was thinking about my ex, and I was near the bakery, and I got a big cinnamon stick. Did you ever have the feeling I don't even really want this - and then ate it anyway? I still keep asking why. Why do I do that?
But, I also bought a danish that I didn't really want, and I threw that one away. So, half a victory.
I'm glad you're all here. Ufi, when you say you got that thicker skin, along with the fat, I so relate!
I really want to get rid of the fat. But today, I was thinking about my ex, and I was near the bakery, and I got a big cinnamon stick. Did you ever have the feeling I don't even really want this - and then ate it anyway? I still keep asking why. Why do I do that?
But, I also bought a danish that I didn't really want, and I threw that one away. So, half a victory.
That's great that you tossed out the danish! Let's work on not putting even less food in your mouth that you don't really want.
This is an idea that I just love from the Beck book, which I really do recommend considering how much of your personal struggle to lose weight is fighting mental roadblocks.
She said that before you go on a new program, you should spend a couple of weeks preparing mentally. One of the first things you do to mentally "get ready" to lose weight, is to put down on an index card all the advantages of being slim and fit that you look forward to - your reasons for starting the program.
You then read it once in the morning, once in the evening and any time you are faced with temptation. (You keep it in your wallet, purse, journal or whatever you keep handy with you all day.)
Do you think that if you had an instant response card to remind you of your heart's true desires you might find it easier to let go of the pastries and hold on to those dreams?
Also, have you had a chance (and given yourself permission) to really grieve for that lost relationship?
It's great that you can recognize that you were thinking about your ex and admit that there's a connection to the food. Isn't there a quote about admitting is half the battle? See, now you have a tool for working on the motivation behind the eating. If you can look at what specifically you were thinking, then that gives you some insight into the feelings you were trying to avoid. Was it a "I don't ever want someone to hurt me like that again" feeling or a "gee, I wish I had someone to hold me right now" feeling or what? When you know what the real thing is, you can make a plan to deal with it in a way that doesn't involve food. You can brainstorm ways to deal with your feelings or meet your needs, ask friends for ideas.This is a lifelong journey. That stick is one step long the way. You're learning skills now. The more you learn, the more you can practice them, and the more you practice, the stronger and more skilled you can become.
I read you post, and I have been feeling the same way for years.
Today, I had a big wake up call, when I was informed via a weightloss website that I am severely obese. Geez, I must have had my head in a cave. In fact, the other day I was looking at my reflection in a glass door and reassuring myself that I did not look so bad. That might be it, but I sure have been feeling very sluggish the last month. That result that I read was reality and that was enough to make me want to do something about my health and stop all of the excuses.
Hi, I haven't read every answer yet but I wanted to say thankyou to the OP and to the first responder about finding reasons to do it for ourselves, it's got to come from inside.
I feel such a klutz, dork, dweeb, whatever, I Know I can do this, I KNow I don't have to keep slipping back.
At least today, when it got to mid-morning coffee and I wondered about going out for a bar of chocolate, I ate an apple instead. It's a start.
Hi, I haven't read every answer yet but I wanted to say thankyou to the OP and to the first responder about finding reasons to do it for ourselves, it's got to come from inside.
I feel such a klutz, dork, dweeb, whatever, I Know I can do this, I KNow I don't have to keep slipping back.
At least today, when it got to mid-morning coffee and I wondered about going out for a bar of chocolate, I ate an apple instead. It's a start.
Good luck on your journey!
It's more than a start. It's a success all by itself. Each choice you make is all you can do at that moment. Then you face the next choice. All one at a time. That first choice remains a success that you continue building on, regardless of what direction any other choices go. It doesn't get thrown out the window by any other choice.
But holding it back makes me feel yucky too. I really feel like I'm doing myself a favor whenever I just let it out, whether I understand it or not. I think it is good for you, not just emotionally, but physically too.
I'd like to say back "What if I choke on it? Then it will." But, honestly, I'd say, "I just don't feel like cookies right now." They don't need to know about my diet. And they have no power over my mouth.
I'm getting so excited about this, it's a little silly of me! Oh what the heck... all out!
!