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Depressed and Overwhelmed..and it ain't even started yet!

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Old 09-01-2008, 08:11 PM   #1
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Red face Depressed and Overwhelmed..and it ain't even started yet!

A TEENSY RANT IS AHEAD!

I am struggling with the following:

*returning to work after two years on disability and despite a lot of it being medical, I am somewhat paranoid about the "emotional" bit and feel some of my co-workers are "looking at me funny" (not that I blame them). I will admit, I had a good old-fashioned nervous breakdown but there were many factors, personal illness, cancer, parental deaths, relationships ending, change of job, change of schools....Hercules would have crumbled!

*the end of summer which to me means it is fall which to me just means it is nearly winter..which to me means life worth living is about nine months or April away (I am a clinically perfect/write me up in the textbook case of SAD or seasonal affective disorder)

*despite spending multitudinous unpaid hours at work in June and in the past week preparing to return, I still feel totally unconnected and not ready....and there will probably be a class shakeup (hire new teacher as all classes are at 31 plus) , move of rooms, and total screw up of everything we have already done, by the middle of September, but the board knew that was coming in June, yet is still isn't done....hope that vaguely makes sense.

*I have been so tied up in returning to work my entire program has gone to **** ... little working out, eating somewhat carefully but not balanced, stress program..well THAT IS OUT THE WINDOW

* I lost my room with the nice big southern windows and have been moved into an airless gray concrete block cubicle which I have to share with someone...I am neat freak..she is a slob LOL HELP!

* my "client/student" list has grown to ridiculous numbers but my time allocation hasn't. No matter how many times I tell myself this is a situation NOT of my making, I am still the "front-line soldier in the trench who takes the flack" not the general who commands everything from a safe ten miles away.

ON that note, I do have my clothes ironed for tomorrow, I am having lunch with friends at 1 PM so that I can ENFORCE the fact that I work HALFTIME..thus am going to work HALFTIME...instead of being paid halftime and WORKING FULLTIME!

Not sure what I want anyone to say to me, I just neede dto put this in writing...I am off to take one of the very very very rare sleeping pills I use and just plain hope for the best!
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:28 PM   #2
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Good luck!
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:34 PM   #3
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ONE day at a time and sounds like your lunch time plan is good.
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:35 PM   #4
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all the best luck to you, I understand stress, I work in an ER. Just try to remember you work so you can live, you don't live so you can work.
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:45 PM   #5
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Good luck! Don't beat yourself up about what people will think of why you left - your list let me see that you had a lot going on!!

It sounds like you are a teacher - I am in my senior year of college working towards getting my teaching degree. I will do my final internship in the fall and am taking 8 classes now to be able to do so. I would LOVE to be in your shoes with my own classroom - so tomorrow just keep telling yourself that there's someone out here who would trade places with you in a second and who considers you lucky
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:50 PM   #6
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It sounds like you've thought a lot of this through. You can do it. Good luck with sharing the space. Perhaps you can cordon off spaces or provide some help to the person with the organization problems. Just hang in there and it sounds like you'll need to be flexible (class changes) AND firm (part time is part time) for awhile.
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Old 09-01-2008, 09:10 PM   #7
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I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and hoping that some of the things you're dreading are not so dreadful.

DO get your rest. DO be assertive. DO leave the office in your mind when you leave the office in your school. DO know you've got a flock of people who are cheering you on from our own locations.
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Old 09-01-2008, 09:11 PM   #8
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Default I forgot..thanks

Thanks for that perspective Skinnyinsideout...I forgot how Ifelt 26 years ago desperate for a job and wishing for any placement no matter how bad!

I forget I have a job, and a good one, with good benefits and good hours..when others would take anything they can get. This is good for me...gives me some real gratitude to think about! I tend to forget that I have had exemplary teaching reviews for years and most kids and parents love me...I tend to be my harshest critic and own worst enemy!

Best of luck finding a good placement next year....btw mine will be available in october of 2013 LOL You will need your specialist certification in spec ed, preferably in slow learner strand.
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Old 09-01-2008, 09:16 PM   #9
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Good luck to you tomorrow! Let us know how it goes.
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Old 09-01-2008, 10:05 PM   #10
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Good luck -- try to make a list in your head throughout the day of 10 things you love about your job

I start work in a week after 9 years at home with the kids -- not even in "my line of work" but the hours are perfect for getting the little boys on and off the bus!! I am going to try my best to not be myself (shy, timid, etc.) -- but to create the person I want to be (outgoing, quick learner and comfortable).

Personally -- I just hate the whole "learning process" -- I don't like feeling like I don't know anything . You are ahead of me on that one!!
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Old 09-02-2008, 05:59 PM   #11
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Red face

Well I survived the first day. I didn't have to worry about the alarm clock because the big honkin' dog jumped on the bed at 4AM waking me up and I never did get back to sleep after that. I did have a nap this afternoon though. I also left work at 11:45 having already caught myself thinking..well I will just finish this list, print this program, write this letter...and had I let myself do so I would have been there still at 2 PM AARGH LOL

I dunno, I still haven't a clue how to possibly program for the severely slow students who are in the "regular" classroom. How do I modify particle theory for a child who can't tie her own shoes or read the first 100 Dolch words yet! The teachers are already pleading with me because the kids can't do ANYTHING independently yet they no longer have EA's , and I just don't know what to do. I can't have them on withdrawal all morning because that would mean three kids are taking up all my time and I have 43 others on my caseload.

I am at a meeting with the coordinator on Friday, maybe she will have some ideas. I think it is criminal that these children are not in the classes where they would be receiving the attention and the social, life and learning skills they need, but hey, this is where their parents want them!

One good thing..I am not hungry..stomach too knotted up LOL
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Old 09-02-2008, 06:10 PM   #12
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so glad you survived the first day.

I have a special needs adult child.... it's very frustrating for the parents in some cases too.
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Old 09-02-2008, 08:58 PM   #13
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It's very sad that these kids are made to struggle for no reason except a parent's stubborn denial. Unfortunately, my husband was the same way -- I hid therapy from him with our oldest for two years (during preschool) because he refused to admit that there was "something wrong" with his son.

I'm glad your first day went well and I hope Friday you get as many of your questions answered and problems solved as possible!!
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Old 09-02-2008, 09:53 PM   #14
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I'm glad to hear you made it through. It sounds like a challenging situation for all involved.
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Old 09-02-2008, 10:01 PM   #15
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You probably don't want to hear this but- get over it, go in with a positive attitude. Life is way to short to focus on the negative. There are so many people that would give anything to have one more day to spend working or interacting with people.
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