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Still feel fat and disgusted with myself

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Old 08-30-2008, 05:12 PM   #1
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Default Still feel fat and disgusted with myself

So.......I have lost weight before - in 2003 I lost 57 lbs going from 256-199 and I thought I was the hottest thing ever. I did it for a trip and when I saw the pictures I wasn't that impressed with myself honestly. I then proceeded to gain it all back - right to the pound. This time I have made a commitment past my upcoming event (20yr HS reunion in Sept.) to lose to an actual goal weight. My thing is that I have lost a lot - 61 pounds but when I look in the mirror I still feel disgusted with myself, and not that cute at all. Today during aerobics I hated seeing myself in the mirror. I do celebrate my losses, so it's not that, it's just that I am having trouble shedding the "fat girl" persona. Has anyone else struggled with this feeling?
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:54 PM   #2
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Today trying on clothes.....yuck! I even ran into a couple of old neighbours that commented on how thin I was looking.....still feel yuck!
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Old 08-30-2008, 06:59 PM   #3
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Yeah, it can be hard sometimes. Lately I look down at my huge belly and think, OMG!!!! I am a COW. But that's just not fair to myself.

I am so used to worrying about my fatness that I dont know what I will do with myself once I am no longer fat.
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Old 08-30-2008, 07:30 PM   #4
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Fat Girl Persona: Yep. That is all I have ever been. About 15 years ago I lost down to my ideal weight and I had panic attacks and would cry because I had no coping skills to deal with guys looking at me. So I gained it all back and felt much more comfortable.

Trying on clothes? Wow. Kind of depressing because I currently wear a 26-28 and I have lost a good amount of weight to where I went to try on clothes one size down. They fit, but ugh.. it underlines how much I still have to lose.

Won't know what to do with yourself when you're not fat? Maintenance will be so challenging for us that are used to being overweight, for sure! But, I bet we can do it.

Skinnygirlinsideout -- Congratulations on your 61 lb. loss! That is awesome! I think that maybe getting to your goal weight, maintaining it, and spending some time dealing with it will eventually lead you to say to yourself that you look cute and that you can try on any style until you get to the style you like. The hardest part has to be being right in the middle of it. You feel like you've been at it for so long and you feel like you have such a long way left to go. I know. I feel that too. I see profiles of people who have reached their goal and I want to already be at my goal. Already be enjoying it. In the profile, it looks to me like these people took off 100 lbs quick! But they didn't. It took them years and it took them hardships and it took them looking in the mirror when they were halfway there feeling desperate about not being there yet. Maybe today was just a *moment* for you and you'll feel better tomorrow? Maybe you are able to say "the hardest point is the middle, but I'm not going to give up this ground again. I'm going to see it through to the end and reward myself with the feeling of victory and success!"

Don't look in the mirror and hate seeing yourself. Look in the mirror and see someone who is doing you a huge favor and working very hard on your behalf. See someone who has something exciting to look forward to not too far down the road.

That's my two cents.

Good luck
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Old 08-30-2008, 07:36 PM   #5
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I feel like that a lot lately. I'm in my third year of college and when I'm sitting in a classroom and all the skinny girls walk by I feel horrible and everyone is staring at me because I'm not a twig and I also feel like I get talked to differently and treated differently.
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Old 08-30-2008, 09:36 PM   #6
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YOu have lost an amazing amount of weight. Sadly, it still doesn't put you into the "acceptable" slot does it?

There are many many many people who will NOT understand that I am just absolutely ga-ga excited about fitting into a 20 or an 18. That is why I find belonging to some support group such as TOPS is a great help. The women in my TOPS group are absolutely thrilled for me when I am the high loser five weeks in row.

You have to become your own best friend. Stop Stop Stop being hard on yourself and celebrate your victories. It is a huge huge huge psychological stress to begin with, as we learn to live as a "normal" weight. People stop noticing, and forget that you were bigger, much bigger at one time...YOU are the only one who can help yourself develop the "mentality" of a slimmer person.

It is terrifying! It is facing a lifetime of maintenance. It is dealing with people who never knew you as a "fat" person and therefore don't stroke your ego with compliments. It is realizing that even in "regular-size store" everything won't look wonderful on you.

Right now..I still have poufy armpits, I still have a gut/pouch/apron, call it what you like, I still have a huge butt, BUT I am fitting into a smaller size. I am proud of myself when I eat right and work out. I try to buy clothes that are flattering and that give me the incentive to continue to work on my program. I smile...A LOT. I laugh when I realize that my goal weight is the same as one that would make others run to this site in tears...but 170 would be a miracle for me...a huge problem for others.

LOVE yourself. CELEBRATE yourself. SMILE at a pound victory. BE hopeful, BE happy, and, I repeat, LOVE yourself. Until you accept and love yourself, your weight is just an external, please others issue, not one you have embraced because you want to be the best you can be. OMG I hope some of this made sense!
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Old 08-31-2008, 07:08 AM   #7
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You are doing fantastically well! 61 pounds down! That's amazing for anyone!

And yet, at 195 and 5'5", you're still in the BMI "obese" category. Yes, it can be discouraging to see that you still have further to go. But your success so far means that you can get there!

I guarantee that the more you continue to lose, the more change you will see. I went from about your current weight to my goal weight, and the way i looked really started to change fast once I got to 180 and below. So stay with it!

Also, it takes awhile for the mental image to catch up with reality. That's why photos can sometimes be helpful--in case you forget where you started.

Good for you! Congratulations on what you've lost!

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Old 08-31-2008, 10:01 AM   #8
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I do not post often but I read the boards all the time. I struggle with this problem. I am no where near loosing all the weight I need to. I am still fat by anyone’s standers but I still have to do the best I can with what I have. A little pampering can help sooth the ego without turning to my favorite comfort food. Here are some of the things I try when I feel every one of my 264 pounds;

New hair style
Change hair color
Try highlights in my hair
Pedicure
Manicure
Facial

I have learned to spend more time finding what clothing works and what I like to wear. I now consider color and style- not just what will fit. I used to wear lots of brown and black. I have introduced more prints (not just any print but ones that I enjoy). I find that I like more girly girl clothing then I ever wore before. Mind you I am 32 and work outdoor so my definition of girly is not really that girly. More v-necks to show off my awesome cleavage, more waist definition because it turns out I have one and colors like pink and purple. I seem to be drawn to patterns that have little flowers LOL.

Make sure your clothing fits. Even though you are not where you want to be invest in some clothing that flatters your body were you are right now- try thrift stores if you are losing fast and end of season sales.
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Old 08-31-2008, 12:12 PM   #9
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I hear ya. It's one of those fleeting thoughts, nothing to dwell on. We're on the right journey and doing what we can to make our outsides look as nice as possible, and more importantly, making sure what ticks inside is going to KEEP ticking for a long long time!

I'm glad I'm in my 40s now, a lot of the desire to be super skinny and fit in just isn't on my radar anymore, most women friends my age are all a little lumpy, some from kids, etc., and we all moan about the same things LOL. The girls at work say I'm good for their self-esteem because when the little tiny girls wear something adorable i'm always "oh my god you're cute as a button!!!" and genuinely mean it - i don't begrudge them their looks, I like to celebrate it! and in return, weirdly enough, they're the 1st to notice when i have a new top or do my hair differently etc., it's nice not to be invisible!

I'm not aiming for HOT (all i care is that DH seems to find me irresistible thank heavens!!) I just want to look the best I can and feel comfy in my own skin
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Old 09-01-2008, 10:20 AM   #10
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I completely identify with this. I feel great when I am losing and folks just begin to see that, when I can wear smaller (although not small) sizes. The couple of times I have gotten to near goal weight I actually panic. I don't look as good as my fantasy. I still feel "fat". I don't see any end.

This time I decided that at least part of the issue (for me) was in my head and I started my weight loss journey with some therapy which I still continue. I'm hoping that this will help me address whatever contributes to my identity as a fat person, and inability to maintain a thinner weight, so far I think it is working. At least this time I am losing without the obsessive, and non-maintainable extremism that has characterized every other diet.

I'm still worried about what happens as I get thinner...I have a hard time believing I will ever "like" my body.
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Old 09-01-2008, 10:29 AM   #11
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I have been dealing with this a lot lately. I suppose we all have to go through this at some point; at least that's how it seems. I intensified my workout routine a couple weeks ago, and as a result gained a pound and then go stuck there for a week and a half. On Friday at work I was so discouraged that I actually whined about it out loud, which I try not to do, at least not at work! Two of my (much thinner) coworkers tried to give me a pep talk about how great I'm doing, which was sweet, but I didn't start feeling better until the scale went down again. Sad but true.

I still look in the mirror and see now difference at all. Granted, I still have a long way to go, but some days that's easier to face than others.
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Old 09-01-2008, 03:34 PM   #12
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Your stats are very close to mine. I know exactly how you are feeling. I've had those same thoughts, but they led to failure for me in the past so I'm really fighting them. I see my thighs each morning in the mirror and absolutely hate them. I know I will always have fat thighs though, I've had them since I was 12 yrs old. I was never over weight until I was 21 yrs old though, so even at a normal weight they will still be there. I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive. I feel so much better now than I did 69 pounds ago. I can run up stairs. I'm not waking up with numb hands and feet. I'm starting to feel normal in a crowd. I'm not the largest person in the room anymore. All those things are worth celebrating. I don't trust my own opinion about how I look. I think it's seriously skewed from being obese for so long. I was complaining about how far I have to go still to my husband a week ago and he got a little upset with me. He said that I look so wonderful to him and he's so proud of me. You really have to fight those negative feelings because they can get you down and you'll be back to the old habits. Don't give in to it! Just keep moving forward.
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:38 PM   #13
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Thanks to you all! I was having a hard day, and you all buoyed me up. Today I even went clothes shopping and didn't go near one plus sized section or store! No more Lane Bryant - woo hoo ! I went into a store called Forever 21 and their largest size is "Large". I bought 2 tops (sleeveless!). I did keep thinking someone would ask me why I was in there though .

For me losing weight is like kicking an addiction - I'd love to go away and stay at a rehab spa, but I have to keep on functioning in society surrounded by food and mirrors. Thank goodness for this website and all of you!!!
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