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Old 08-25-2008, 11:43 PM   #1
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Default Support or Critisim??

Hi All--

I don't know if this is just me --I may be overly sensitive but here goes--

Yesterday my husband and I went to a party- I have been really good about my diet but yesterday had 3 baked chicken wings, 2 beers, and a couple of chips. I didn't feel out of control as I walked past the fried chicken, nachos, brownies, cookies and etc. I had brought some apple slices with me but didn't eat them. At the party my husband saw me eating and said "what are you doing" so I explained that I wanted the wings.

He must have made at least 3 comments about what I was eating-- I haven't figured out if he was trying to help me and be supportive or just judge me to make me feel bad.

In our marriage my weight has never really been an issue he is overweight now (not when we first got married) but has never seemed to care what I weighed, ate or what diet I was on that week.

I hate to tell people like him or my parents that I am on a diet because when I choose to eat something I don't require their input--

I am not sure if he was trying to help me or humiliate me??

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Old 08-25-2008, 11:57 PM   #2
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I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt. Remember that guys "support" each other differently than we do.

My husband grew up with 2 brothers - both older. When they get around each other, they call each other name and "criticize" with words that would put me in tears. Just as an example ... a few years ago they were all putting up Christmas lights together and one of them (I don't even remember who) did something kinda dumb while on the ladder. The two down on the ground mocked him horribly and called him "dipsh*t" ... and none of them took offense. I remember asking my husband later if there was going to be a family incident and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "for what????"

If you've ever asked him to help you with your diet, then asking you "what are you doing" when you eat wings is, IMO, perfectly reasonable from a guy perspective. Heck, even if you haven't asked him, he may think that he's helping you by reminding you (in a guy-type way) that you shouldn't be eating what you're eating.

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Old 08-26-2008, 12:26 AM   #3
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Whenever I have a similar situation with my husband (is he trying to be supportive, or is he just being a jerk), my husband always say's "why can't you give me the benefit of the doubt - if I want to be a jerk (he used a different word) believe me you won't wonder, you'll know it."

What he is saying is pretty accurate. When he's angry, there's absolutely no doubt that he's angry or why. Whenever I wonder "what did he mean by that," it's a good sign that he meant nothing by it, because if he'd been wanting to criticise or insult I wouldn't have had to ask the question.

It's not like my husband is a err, we'll just say jerk... it's just that there's nothing subtle about the man. He says it's true of most men, "if a guy is going to attack you, it's usually head on, not sideways." I still say he's learned to press some of my buttons, and then respond as though he's perfectly innocent, and i'm crazy - but for the most part I will admit that I read alot more into his behavior (when it ticks me off) than is really there. I'm not saying he's innocent as much as completely dense and clueless.
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Old 08-26-2008, 01:49 AM   #4
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Ask him. You may be surprised by his answer. I'd bet he was trying to be supportive.

Perhaps next time you go to a party you could let him know, before hand, that you are going to allow yourselves a few treats within moderation and that it's on plan for the day. Then it's diffused.
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Old 08-26-2008, 01:49 AM   #5
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I too think it's just a typical guy thing and their lack of verbal finesse.

I took a bite of something the other day, a nibble of candy, which is totally unusual for me these days. I haven't had over an ounce of candy in the last 8 months. My son blurted out in front of everyone that I'd be too fat to wear my new clothes. Yikes!

My husband will also do that. If I express that I'm craving something off plan he'll tell me no way. To be fair, I asked him in the beginning to do that.

I also noticed husbands doing that at a party the other day. I'm on a biggest loser competition and all my team members were at the party. Their hubs were making comments about what they had on their plate (to gloat a little - mine didn't as I was only eating veggies).

The husbands were like my 4 year old, I swear.

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Old 08-26-2008, 05:09 AM   #6
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I would say he is being supportive, although my husband has never said anything if I go off plan... He gives me a stern look...
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Old 08-26-2008, 06:49 AM   #7
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I imagine he was trying to be helpful - even though it came off as hurtful. It's how men are.

You've gotten some good advice. I don't know what plan you are following - but, you might let him know that you were going to count those foods into your daily plan.

Glad you posted.

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Old 08-26-2008, 07:32 AM   #8
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I find I have to be very explicit with DH to get what I want. (As in, "it helps me when you" and "I don't like it when you".) Otherwise he doesn't get it.

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Old 08-26-2008, 08:05 AM   #9
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Since weight has never been an issue in your relationship, I'd have to venture a guess and say that he thought (in that crazy, screwed up "guy" thinking ) that he was being supportive and helpful to you. In his mind he probably thought "Oh, man, she's gonna looooooove me for this! I'm gonna get 5 stars for being such as supportive husband." when in reality you just ended up wanting to . That said, you really need to sit him down and tell him how he made you feel so he doesn't make the same mistake again.

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Old 08-26-2008, 08:22 AM   #10
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He was probably confused. "Dieting" usually means that you are not allowed to eat certain foods. Once he understands that this is your lifestyle and occasional off-plan treats are allowed, he'll be much more understanding.
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Old 08-26-2008, 08:34 AM   #11
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If my fiancee asked me "What are you doing?" I'd say "I'm eating. What are you doing?"

Seriously, though, the above chicks are right. He probably just doesn't yet know the type of support you're looking for. So tell him what you'd like to hear & what you would prefer he keep his trap shut about. As Rhonda suggested, explain to him what "dieting" really means. (That it's no longer dieting, this is for the long-haul & includes occassional treats.)
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Old 08-26-2008, 09:08 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by GirlyGirlSebas View Post
He was probably confused. "Dieting" usually means that you are not allowed to eat certain foods. Once he understands that this is your lifestyle and occasional off-plan treats are allowed, he'll be much more understanding.
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Old 08-26-2008, 09:26 AM   #13
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I don't think he meant anything critical about it. There are a lot of men out there that have a certain view of what dieting is, and it is usually the wrong view. Maybe the past experiences he has had with women dieting have always been of the cottage cheese and lettuce variety coupled with deprivation. So, you choosing to eat something out of his perceived idea of diet food might have caused him to comment.

I would tell him that unless you ask for help, that he not give it to you.

My husband has my permission to ask me if a food needs to be removed if he sees me eating a lot of something that is not on a plate for me. So, if there are chips around and he sees me munching, he asks, "Would you like me to move those?"

It works really well, because if I am mindlessly eating, his question will snap me back to the present. And the way we agreed to have him phrase it doesn't sound like criticism. He always worries that I will get irritated, but I remind him that I asked him to do this for me.
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Old 08-26-2008, 10:15 AM   #14
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I vote for supportive, give him the benefit of the doubt - someone already posted my DH's favourite line "when I'm being an a$$hole, you won't wonder" hahaha hilarious

for the record he's never an a$$hole to me!

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Old 08-27-2008, 10:33 AM   #15
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I'd say he was trying to help you in a "man's sort of way". Men aren't nearly as sensitive as us and often don't think too deeply before opening their mouths.
They think they are helping when it comes off sounding like criticism to us. I think this happens often the other way around as well.
My husband loves me to bits but, he has made comments similar to your husband. I like to bake and make treats for my children and my husband will come home to find me licking a little bit of the frosting out of the bowl. He'll say "Do you know how much sugar is in that frosting?"
I used to get really ticked off by comments like that and I would say things like "Oh, I'm sorry it isn't on my diet! I'll gain 5 pounds now and you won't be too happy." And he would say "I really could care less what you eat. I'm just trying to help and give you a little reminder."
One day, it just kind of clicked. He is trying to help and support me. He has always loved me no matter what weight I have been at. So, now when he makes his "helpful" comments I just look at him with a big smile and say "Yes, I know how much sugar is in here and that I shouldn't be eating it but, I allowed myself a little treat."
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