Quote:
Originally Posted by lizziep
do you feel like you'd be a stronger person if you were at your goal weight? like there's some part of me in my head with any relationship i'm in that tells me- put up with this **** because nobody else wants to be around you, you're disgusting, etc. it's hard not to listen to it.
This is the line that I think is most important in this thread. I think that often we have onesided friendships because we think so little of ourselves, that we establish relationships that are based on what we can do for the other person...we are so grateful that they will be with us. Kaplods said you have to make demands in a friendship. I wouldn't use that phrase, but I do believe that friendships need mutuality...sometimes one gives more, sometimes one gets more. The problem often is that when you establish a friendship based on a onesided system (I give, you take) you get different friends (many healthy folks are uncomfortable always being the receiver) and you also don't make it easy for the friend to give back. They don't get it, this isn't the way your relationship works!
I am blessed with wonderful friends...when they have had hard times I have spent much time listening, helping supporting, and it has felt very onesided for a while. But...they've been there for me as well. Sometimes, when something has been one-sided for a while I have addressed that issue. I had a friend who went through a miserable divorce. Night after night she was on the phone with me crying...and crying...and telling me all the dirty details...and crying. Eventually there didn't seem any room for me to talk, she counted on my listening. I finally talked to her about that, things are better now, not perfect, but in part I let that happen.
I put my dearest friends into a category I call my 3am friends. Who could you call at 3am and say "I need you" and have them respond. There are a very small group in that category.
Each of my friendships has some limitations...no one really can be everything. There are different folks for different needs.
Think about the patterns you set with folks. Would you want to be your friend? (Not because you are such a supportive person, but because you are interesting and enjoyable to be with.) What do you want from your friends? What do you want to give?
Ironically, I was only able to establish my very best friendship, with my husband, when my self-esteem rose and I started to make demands rather than to always give. I had always been so grateful that a guy wanted to date me that I completely focussed on him his wants, his needs. I tried to make myself into someone he wanted to be with. Eventually, I either resented the onesided nature of the relationship, or he started to see that it was a false self I was presenting. Either way it doomed the relationship. When I finally met my husband I was ready to be myself and feel okay about it. He liked that person, and I liked the person I could be with him!
Friends are wonderful, don't cut yourself off. If all of your relationships are negative it may be worth seeking some therapy to look at what you are bringing to the table. It sure helped me.