3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community  

Go Back   3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community > Support Forum > Support Groups > 100 lb. Club

Anyone dealt with... Sabotage?! (Need to vent)

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-24-2008, 02:22 PM   #1
Maintaining ~6 years!
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,306

S/C/G: 263/Maintaining/150

Height: 5'8"

Default Anyone dealt with... Sabotage?! (Need to vent)

Hello everyone! I've searched around on here but haven't yet found a thread that sounded like what I'm going through right now. As some of you may know, I am one of the younger members on here (18--19 in about 2 weeks!). Because I am so young, I'm living with my parents over this summer, while my school is on summer vacation. My dad commutes (it's a weird situation), so 95% of the time, it's just my mom and me in the house... We've never gotten along so well, but for the most part, we have a mutual sense of respect/leaving each other alone. However, now that I'm starting on my weight loss, we are definitely having a problem and I don't know what to do.

It all started last Friday, when I had a doctor's appt, which basically jump-started my plan. As we left the appt, I thought to myself that I really had to do something about my weight, and I've had unending willpower since then (woo-hoo!). My mom was normal and didn't seem to notice that I was eating healthier for the next couple days, but finally on Sunday I told her about my decision to get healthier and asked her about getting a scale for the house (which had been forbidden up to this point--don't ask me why). And I've noticed that ever since then, it seems like she's always trying to offer me foods that are really bad for me, or otherwise trying to get me off of my plan!

There are countless examples: though she never ever cooks (seriously), the other night she insisted that she wanted to make me spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner; the night that we bought the scale, she made a giant sheet of brownies (for no apparent reason); we went grocery shopping a couple days ago and as I was picking out my favorite healthy foods, she went to the bakery and picked out two giant frosted cookies ("One for you, and one for me!"); then as we were driving home from the grocery store, I happened to mention that I was feeling a little hungry, and she immediately said "Do you need me to stop off at Taco Bell or something on the way home?"; and just yesterday she was determined to go out for dinner, and when I said I had already eaten, she insisted that we go out for lunch tomorrow instead. Every time I turn, she's trying to shove something unhealthy in my face!

My problem seems very different from some of the other situations I've read about on here, such husbands trying to sabotage their wives out of fear that they'll get "too" thin and leave them or something (silly men!). I don't get why my own mother would want to sabotage me... I don't see how this could just be a coincidence, and these are things that were never a part of our routine before, and even though I have made it explicitly clear that I am trying to lose weight, she keeps doing it! And I don't think it's because she's worried about me, because she sees me make my meals and eating every day, so she must know that I AM eating. I feel hurt and confused that she seems to be trying to mess this up for me.

Luckily, I must have some kind of amazing will-power switch deep within me that switched on the day of my doctor appt, because I have not touched any of the brownies, cookies, spaghetti/garlic bread, or any other foods that she's paraded in front of me. Honestly, I'm taking pride in that, because if I had taken everything she's offered me in the past week, I would have gained 20 lbs instead of losing 10! Sheesh. Anyways, has anyone else experienced anything like this? Is there anything I can do about it? I'm not worried about my will-power, really, but I guess I just don't get why my mother would want to do this to me.

Thanks for reading my rants!

Last edited by Star2Be : 07-24-2008 at 02:24 PM.
Star2Be is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 02:25 PM   #2
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 4,445

S/C/G: 237/165.8/130

Height: 5'4"

Default

That has to be difficult and I'm in awe that you have the will power you do. Garlic bread ... big weakness for me!

But seriously - have you tried talking to your mom? Actually sitting down and saying "I am making a commitment to be healthy and lose weight and I don't understand why you're trying to make me eat things that are unhealthy and fattening."

I'm a big believer in getting things out in the open.

.
PhotoChick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 02:46 PM   #3
Changing for the better
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 173

Default

You might want to glance at this thread:

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/show...85#post2213485

My feeling is that she MIGHT be "threatened" in some way by the thought of you losing weight. Some parents define themselves in terms of their relation to their children, and by allowing you to lose weight, she is losing part of her individuality since she sees herself as thinner than you. If you both are about the same size, maybe she doesn't want others to view her as "the fat one." (My mom and I are the same size, so there is always some *friendly* competition between us - I feel like I should be in better shape, since I don't have the excuse of an aged metabolism! ) Just a theory, but I completely agree with PhotoChick - you need to have a discussion with her about this, and put your foot down! Let your mom know that you are serious about being healthy, and hopefully she will see the light and support you.

You know, she might not even realize that she's sabotaging your efforts; it could be an unconscious mechanism. Either way, though, I would talk to her and express how important this is for you. Ask her if she would like to take part in your journey with you, by exercising together or going shopping for healthier foods.

Let us know how it goes!! Good luck

Last edited by Kitegirl24 : 07-24-2008 at 02:48 PM.
Kitegirl24 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 02:55 PM   #4
Senior Member
 
JulieJ08's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: California
Posts: 7,097

S/C/G: 197/135/?

Height: 5'7"

Default

PhotoChick's advice is very good. And even if you don't get a great response at first, I'd broach the subject again in a week or two. Might take a few tries for her to be more comfortable and open up.
__________________
Started 4/14/08 LINK TO PROGRESS PICS 1/1/2009
"It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well, and justly, and it is impossible to live wisely, well, and justly without living pleasurably" Epicurus
JulieJ08 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 02:56 PM   #5
Flabulous
 
LetsWorkItOut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: MD
Posts: 52

S/C/G: 230/218/160

Height: 5'9"

Default

Even the sweetest, nicest people are capable of sabotage. I agree with kitegirl24 that she may feel threatened and may even be doing this unintentionally. I would have a serious talk with her.

A former friend of mine had a similar problem with her mother. She was trying to lose weight, and her mother went to great methods to try and sabotage her efforts. One morning she walked into the kitchen and saw her swapping a package of low cal/fat muffins with ones that were loaded with fat and calories. It's kind of sick, really.
__________________
LetsWorkItOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 03:14 PM   #6
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 17

S/C/G: 130/125/115

Height: 5'1

Default

Totally agree with Protochick -- that was actually my first thought after I read your post, before I got on to the rest (that your mom might feel some sense of competition or panic at her comparative weight).

To put a more positive spin on it, it might be that she wants you to feel like it's ok to be bigger and you are still beautiful and that it is ok to eat garlic bread, brownies, etc. If that is the case, an open discussion is definitely in order. Maybe you can shop and eat together.

LetsWorkitOut: that muffin switching is sick. It's one thing to offer people unhealthy foods to their face; it's a whole another thing to sabotage them behid their back!
fatfrog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 03:34 PM   #7
KLK
Karen: La Cicciona
 
KLK's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NYC
Posts: 745

S/C/G: Sz 24-26 / Sz 12-14 / Sz 6-8

Height: 5' 4"

Default

My parents have always been pretty supportive, but sometimes I get eye-rolls when I go workout or when I don't eat something "fun" bc it's not good for me, etc. For lots of parents, seeing their child try to change anything ab themselves is threatening to them -- you're exerting your independence, making personal choices for yourself, etc. Once you lose weight, other things might change too -- you might get new confidence to go new places, try new things, etc. etc.

Also, speaking personally, whenever my mother rolls her eyes at my eating habits or exercising, it's usually bc I've opted to do something that *I* want to do over what she wants me to do (i.e. "Let's go have dinner" "No, I'm going to work out first"). I think she doesn't like it when something I want takes priority over what she wants me to do.
__________________
DECEMBER EXERCISE CHALLENGE: 267 / 1300 Mins.
KLK is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 03:59 PM   #8
Hi From Canada, eh?
 
Trazey34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada, eh?
Posts: 2,362

S/C/G: check the ticker :)

Height: 5'8

Default

I think polite but firm responses after EVERY offer might help -- as in "oh thanks for the garlic bread mom, but I can't right now, remember I'm eating healthier?" "wow that cookie looks awesome but I'm sticking to my commitment to be healthy remember?" just a little reminder, but after EVERY attempt and I think she'd get the hint.... head to head might be too confrontational otherwise??
__________________

Started: 323
Now: 171 - nope, 165 now!
NOPE -- 162 now! Holy crap i've lost a PERSON!
Goal: 160


"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily." - Zig Ziglar
Trazey34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 04:17 PM   #9
Member
 
PenChick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 95

S/C/G: 256/240/140

Height: 5'2"

Default

i'm guilty of sabotaging...i did it to my sister when we were younger and looking back on it i kind of feel bad. she would obsess about counting calories when she was at like 130 or 140lbs at 5'5 and a desperate need to be thinner. Well, i would be the one rolling my eyes and saying whatever and then wink at my mom and continuously give her a hard time. i would say i did it because i was probably jealous of her being thin and me being the fat one. Plus it made me feel guilty that i wasnt eating healthy. But now i am completely supportive of my sister and she with me, afterall, she is my bestfriend.

I think you should talk to your mom and tell her what she is doing. Maybe she will join with you on your quest...
__________________
**True success is overcoming the fear of being unsuccessful. - Paul Sweeney **



For each 10lbs lost
PenChick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 04:31 PM   #10
Former Quitter
 
GirlyGirlSebas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 5,500

S/C/G: 310/310/180

Height: 5'7

Default

Be honest with your Mom. Tell her how it makes you feel....hurt, angry, sad, exhausted. Try to get her to see how her actions are hurting your future healthy self. As a Mom, I know that I would never intentionally hurt my daughters in any way. I don't think she realizes that she is hurting you. Tell her you need her help. She will appreciate still being needed.
__________________
- Rhonda

"Live the life you've always imagined." Henry David Thoreau


GirlyGirlSebas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2008, 05:36 PM   #11
Senior Member
 
tater tash's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Northern California
Posts: 310

Height: 5'8

Default

Sounds like a food pusher to me. I had a friend once who I told I was dieting and she would constantly try to get me to eat something unhealthy. For example, one night I was in her flat writing papers and she got Haribo Strawberry Gummies and offered them to me.. I said No thank you and she was like "OH thats right you're on a "diet", but how could you resist these?? eat one.. eat one.. eat one.." then she put a big handful right no my laptop.
Friends are such great support sometimes!

I agree with the other girls she may be threatened or intimidated. I believe my friend did it because she couldn't get the willpower to diet herself.

Does your mom need to eat healthier? Maybe you can use this as a major bonding tool while you're home from school. Go to a cooking class together where they teach you healthy cooking techniques, or look up local restaurants that are known for their healthy menu and make it a girls night out. If you suggest these kind of things she may get a better impression of how serious you are.

Good luck and MAJOR kudos on your willpower! Don't let it go!

tater tash is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-25-2008, 10:14 AM   #12
Kae
. * . * . * . * . * . * .
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,141

Default

Congrats on your success! That's great.

As far as your situation, I can relate. I just turned 25 but have been dieting off and on since age 17 (well, really as long as I can remember). I'd be strong willed and lose weight and I find that my family is very threatened by this. ...I know this because now that I am the fattest family member again they have told me this to my face.

My sisters can be my best friends and worst enemies when it comes to weight loss. They tell me I should lose weight and be healthy... they are supportive-- that is until I start to get closer to their own weight and they feel threatened by it...

My Mom has also done it and after a while I did talk to her about it. She refuses to stop buying junk food; we have more candy and junk food than in any house you have ever been in!-- (it's in cupboards, drawers, in candy jars, on the kitchen counter tops, on the livingroom table, in the freezer... not to mention an entire drawer in our fridge and an entire top shelf in our fridge!) My Mom says that she buys it because she "likes to have it around in case she wants a little treat." The problem is.. she doesn't eat it, we do.. and then she feels the need to buy more. On the upside, even though my Mom still stocks the house to the brim with naughty snacks, she has been on occassion picking up fruit and bringing it home.

... Since starting over this past week I have been doing my best to avoid the treats staring me in the face. I've really been trying to be better about saying no when offered food.

Stick with what you are doing-- continue to refuse the junk-- and they'll take the hint eventually... or if they don't then at least they'll know you are stronger than they thought.

Last edited by Kae : 07-25-2008 at 10:15 AM.
Kae is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-25-2008, 10:29 AM   #13
Just starting off...
 
kimmie2bethin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 5

S/C/G: 204/204/140

Height: 5'5"

Default

As I was reading your thread, I was thinking.. "wow, I can relate to her 100%". I too am on the younger side, but a bit older than you. I'm 22.

My mom is the SAME exact way. I moved back home about a year ago. I have a little sister who is like 5'6" and weighs a whole 110 pounds, size 3, the whole 9 yards..

Anyway, her and I butt heads like your mom and you do. We pretty much stay away from eachother. My father works all the time and is never home... the same deal.

There is NEVER anything healthy in our house.. and she cooks super unhealthy too.

The other night, we were sitting at dinner and I had made something healthy and she was telling me how concerned she was about my weight. Then the one time my father is home, he chimes in.. and they compare me to my little sister. It just brings me down and de-motivates me even more. (As they are sitting there eating mac and cheese and ribs btw...)

My mother isn't a skinny person, but she weighs a good 20 pounds less than me and is constantly throwing it in my face.

Thanks to my great boyfriend, he said to turn that around and put her putting me down into good energy to stay motivated. In all honestly, she is probably trying to unintentionally ruin your motivation because she is jealous of you. My mother has been jealous of me pretty much my whole life.. It's sad really, but true. Just try to stay on track, buy your own things for dinner if you can, and tell your mom if she loves you, she will respect the fact you are trying to get healthy. Hopefully this helps a bit, and if you need someone to vent to, don't hesitate to send me any messages. I'm in the same boat as you are.
kimmie2bethin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-25-2008, 10:35 AM   #14
Tammy73
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Milton Ontario Canada
Posts: 172

S/C/G: 254/215/145

Height: 5'6"

Default

I agree with what has been said about talking to your mother.
You need to let her know how this makes you feel. People can sabotage for all kinds of reasons but it doesn't really matter what her motive or reason is -
that's her issue. What really matters is how it's making you feel. You need to be true to yourself and express your feelings to her and keep doing it until
she gets it. You deserve to be respected and supported in this journey and one of the best ways to improve your self esteem (which strengthens your resolve to keep going at what you want) is to honour your own feelings and emotions and let people know when something hurts you.
That's just my two sense on the issue.
Congrats on your will power and you should pat yourself on the back for how well you've been doing so far!!!
Tammy
__________________
Don't quit before the miracle happens......

LONG TERM GOAL:


SHORT TERM GOAL:
Tammy73 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-25-2008, 10:53 AM   #15
KLK
Karen: La Cicciona
 
KLK's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NYC
Posts: 745

S/C/G: Sz 24-26 / Sz 12-14 / Sz 6-8

Height: 5' 4"

Default

I'm an only child, but I always imagined being compared negatively to a sister by your parents must be SO hurtful

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmie2bethin View Post
The other night, we were sitting at dinner and I had made something healthy and she was telling me how concerned she was about my weight. Then the one time my father is home, he chimes in.. and they compare me to my little sister. It just brings me down and de-motivates me even more. (As they are sitting there eating mac and cheese and ribs btw...)
.
__________________
DECEMBER EXERCISE CHALLENGE: 267 / 1300 Mins.
KLK is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Posts by members, moderators and admins are not considered medical advice
and no guarantee is made against accuracy.


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:22 PM.






Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2