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How does your weight affect your love life?

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Old 07-21-2008, 04:49 PM   #1
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Question How does your weight affect your love life?

I was wondering how your weight affects the intimacy in your relationship. I know for me personally, it's all but killed it.

Here's my story:
I was never "skinny" as a teenager, maybe a size 14 or so when I met my husband. As we got married and started our lives together, the pounds slowly crept on. When we hit our mid-twenties we were both heavy, so we decided to buy a treadmill. We both dedicated ourselves to getting fit. I lost 40 pounds over 4-5 months and my husband lost all the extra weight. Somewhere along the adventure, I quit, but he kept going. He was always an athlete in school, (the track star) so naturally he has that built inside. Now he is fit as a fiddle, works out almost every day, plays tons of sports. Meanwhile I have just gained the weight back plus another 40 pounds and I'm at my highest weight ever. (Although I'm going down now - Woohoo!).

My trouble though is that when we were both overweight together, I didn't have a problem with the intimacy. Now that he is in near-perfect shape and I'm at my worst, I can't even think about being intimate with him because I'm way too self-conscious.

Anyone else have similar issues??
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Old 07-21-2008, 05:09 PM   #2
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I identify with your feelings although I'm single right now. I don't even want to date because I can't imagine being intimate with anyone. I don't even wear shorts in public, forget sex. So I don't bother to even try to meet someone. And my sex drive is next to nothing. I think that maybe I'll give dating a shot when I lose weight even though "what's on the inside of someone is important...blah, blah". I feel that way for other people, but not for me.
My weight & food issues are more than just physical problems. I do see a counselor and belong to OA.
The good news is that I am eating healthy and losing wait. I'll just keep on the path as best as possible.
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Old 07-21-2008, 06:21 PM   #3
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My weight hasn't changed anything except a few positions we can't do

I know where you are coming from though....my advice is to find ways to love yourself. If you do that you'll gain more confidence and THAT will effect your love life in a good way! Remember....the weight you were/are has nothing to do about why your husband married you.
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Old 07-21-2008, 06:44 PM   #4
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My husband and I met at nearly our highest weight (during "dating," we both put on more than just a few as hubby was definitely the "wine and dine" type - and I did NOT object).

Our first intimate experience was a bit sad and pitiful, as we both were so self-conscious about what the OTHER would think about what our clothes were hiding (when it comes right down to it, at each of us over 350 lbs - NOT MUCH). We weren't as flexible as smaller folks, but we made up for it in creativity - until we both started having rather serious health problems and had to go onto disability. Now, the chances of both of us being in the mood and physically, emotionally, and mentally up to lovemaking, at the same time is pretty slim.

I can't wait until we get a little further along in the way of health improvements. Because it's only the physicality stopping us, at this point. We're far from self-conscious anymore, because we really do connect on such a "best friends" level, that I'm not worried at all that he doesn't find me sexually attractive, nor I think is he (though he's a little more insecure than I am - convinced that I deserve someone stronger, better....than he is).

There's a chance that his health issues will only get worse, even if he loses all of the weight he needs to. That's a bit depressing, and it does concern me that our sex lives may always be a bit less than we would like it to be. But I think we both feel really good that it isn't for lack of interest or self-consciousness. Neither of us feels that either of us losing interest, so everything still feels "newlyweddy" (we've been married 5 1/2 years).
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:16 PM   #5
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Love life??????
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:17 PM   #6
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I met my husband at my lowest adult weight ever...gained 50 pounds in the year we between meeting him and getting married, and another 50 pounds the next year. I've pretty much stayed within a 5 pound range of that top with a few, short periods of weight loss which I immediately regained.

I didn't feel terrific about my body (which included stretch marks and a big belly) at 149...so you can imagine that 252 or thereabouts didn't feel good at all!

My husband is about 25 pounds overweight, and has stayed pretty much in that range. He is now diabetic and needs to lose...but doesn't seem to do much in that direction.

The thing that keeps our sex life positive is him. He makes it so clear that he finds me sexy at any weight, strokes my body, jokes that I finally let him touch my belly, focusses on my pleasure and his enjoyment of my body. I don't quite believe it, but he makes it safe for me to expose myself both physically and emotionally to him.

The first year we were married he once made a nasty comment about my weight during a fight. I explained to him that weight was such a loaded topic for me that it needed to be offbounds for attack. He has NEVER made a negative comment again, no matter how angry he is.

Over and over I have seen that if you feel safe and confident you are sexy no matter the weight. Have you talked to your husband about his reaction to your body, it may be better than you think!
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Old 07-21-2008, 08:10 PM   #7
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I have a terrible time with intimacy. When my husband and I started dating, we both worked out all the time and weighed much less. We both have put on 40+ pounds over the last 7 years. He tells me all of the time that he thinks that I am beautiful. I still can't stomach him even touching me. After I got pregnant with my second child, we didn't have sex for a year and a half! I was just soooo uncomfortable with it. I used to not be that way at all. Maybe, when I get this weight off, things will start cooking again.
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Old 07-21-2008, 08:33 PM   #8
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I do not and have never had a love life. It makes me feel awful too.

I've been kissed in HS twice. That was at least 10 years ago. Haven't been kissed since. The closest I've come to any kind of intamacy is with someone online, and that same person via telephone. I'm scared to death to tell guys that I have virtually no experience. At my age, I feel like guys would think something is wrong with me bc of it. It prob is a silly thing to think, but it sits there in the back of my mind. I think about having a relationship on a daily basis. I want it so badly, yet, I'm also scared of it. Scared of being hurt I guess. I also feel like how can I let anyone see my body, when I can't stand to look at it, surely no one else will want to. How do I get past this way of thinking?? I've signed up on online dating sites, and when someone mesg's me and tells me they find me attractive, while I'm grateful, a small part of me thinks "what does he see in me" I wish I didn't feel that way, I guess I just have low self esteem. It's strange, bc I don't see myself as ugly, but I perseive that guys think I am. Yes, I know, I messed up way to look at things, but I am working on it.

If anyone has any advice on that matter, please feel free to let me know, I'm always open for suggestions on bettering myself physically as well as mentally and emotionally.

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Old 07-21-2008, 08:54 PM   #9
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I hate to see people feel that sex (or even worse, romance) is only for the "pretty people." My view on sex and romance isn't all that different than my view on swimming. I've always been fat (since age 5) and I've always loved swimming. When I was little, I didn't know that it wasn't "ok" for fat people (at least fat adults) to swim. By the time I learned that I was "supposed" to be unwilling to be seen in a swimsuit, I loved the water too much to give up that pleasure. I didn't care if I was grossing out everyone in my path (and sometimes the walk to the water felt like a deathmarch, especially in my teens when I didn't want boys to notice me - but wanted boys to notice me, in that way that only a fat teen can understand).

But when I think of what I would have given up if I allowed my fears and insecurities to prevent me from having an amazing relationship with the water.... And then when I think how much more I would have lost had I allowed my fears and insecurities to prevent me from enjoying intimacy or the hope of intimacy in my dating and married life. Eeegh.

Maybe it's from having ALWAYS (except for a couple brief years in high school - with the use of prescription diet pills) been fat that I had to get over the idea of putting my life on hold until I lost the weight, because if I'd done so, I'd have had no life. Instead, my life has been as full as I was willing to make it. I've been shocked to find women at weights that most women would envy, putting their lives on hold because of perceived figure flaws. It makes me wonder whether I am even more of a freak than I know I am for always having had a decent self image, with very few (in the scheme of things) moments in which I felt unworthy of ANYTHING life had to offer.

Sure, I had fewer boyfriends than most thin girls, but I had more boyfriends than many thin and even beautiful girls (usually the ones that thought they were ugly, though). And my standards were always very high, so I had really great boyfriends, none were really jerks or idiots (well, except in the way that an ex always becomes a jerk or an idiot).

The only thing that I can really think to explain it is that sex and attraction is 98% between the ears and only 2% physical, unchangeable attraction - at least for me. I see so many people say that they never give someone a second glance if there's no physical attraction from the start. Then I think of nearly all of my boyfriends, and only one having had any from-the-start sex appeal (and he ended up the least overall sexy). Passion is something that doesn't "just happen," it's created. Or maybe that's just my experience because I've never been what is generally considered sexy, and neither have any of the men I've dated. Oh, none of them have been toads or trolls, just people that may easily get overlooked because they were so very "average" looking. And yet, I've had steamier relationships than many of my friends who were gorgeous and dating hunks. Maybe because they didn't have to work at "sexy," they never did. Where us average and very less than average folks sometimes can create some really extra steamy heat because we've put a little extra effort in.

I remember the first time I "danced naked" for my husband it was just a silly joke. We were getting dressed and I was just acting silly (in just my ankle socks and New Balance tennis shoes). That led to one of the most amazing encounters we've ever had (and a few others that it eventually inspired). Now, I know my husband's celebrity crush is not 400 lbs of nekkid jiggliness, it's curvy, but toned Drew Barrymore. So, I know that as I lose weight, I'm not going to lose my husband's interest, but I'm not sure how much sexier I can get. Oh, I'll be able to DO more, and my endurance and stamina will improve, but we won't be sexier people, we'll just get to have more choices in how and when we act on that sexiness.

I wish I could share that feeling with every woman who's self-conscious about a few pounds. I am sexy, I am smokin', I am beautiful (and smart and talented to boot). My husband agrees, and I think it's a reflection of of his fine tast in women. I wouldn't be satisfied with less.

Now, if I can feel that way, I don't know why someone half my size can't. Honestly, I do understand. Many people have been beaten down by life, society, and even family. I escaped that somehow, and I wish I could bottle it, because so many women (and men) could really use it.
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Old 07-21-2008, 08:57 PM   #10
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Born to fly....
Your post broke my heart. Believe me men will not find you "weird" for your lack of experience...if anything that will be more of a turn on. While men do love women who "know what they are doing" so to speak...they all still have that "virgin" thing going on. To be able to be the first at things is something that nowadays is rare. Everyone starts so early sexually and has done and seen everything by the time they are 25. You also are not bringing all the baggage from previous partners with you...lucky lady!!!
It's hard in these times to have a healthy body image...especially if you are overweight. I find that when I have alot of things going on and cant watch tv etc my self image rises. All it takes is 10 mins of MTV or MuchMusic and it plummets...fast.

I know I am attractive, I have never had a hard time attracting a man. But usualy in my head this is tape I play " men will sleep with anything...they really arent that picky" and of course my favorite "they have no idea what my clothes are hiding".
Ive been married now for 3 years...only the last few months has my hubby really seen me naked,,,only at certain angles ofcourse lol.
I have alot of issues with body image mainly due to porn. If we get in a fight thats what he heads to. And not "normal porn" he doesnt do movies etc...he just likes pictures...u know scantily clad victoria secret types. He does it to p**s me off and what he cant seem to understand is that it doesnt make me mad it cuts life a knife. Then we make up and ofcourse when the time comes for sex it is horrendous for me...all I see and think of is them. I dont look like them..is he wishing I did? is he thinking about them? It kills me.
Anyway this is my novel for what its worth lol
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:04 PM   #11
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Your hubby hasn't stuck around because he HAD to, he has stuck around because he wanted to I have crap luck with relationships because of all my mental hang ups, lol so I can't say it was ever my weight... I did however allow my weight to be used as a deterrant... I felt that if I was fat- I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with the things that I no longer wanted to deal with- such as sex/love/intimacy...

Kind of like pepper spray No! I'm fat- its off limits.. and it worked for a while, but I only got heavier and more and more unhappy... I can diet and lose all the weight I want but it wont change who I am. Confidence is HUGE, if you don't feel good about yourself you aren't going to be able to relax and enjoy yourself.

I've had the same guy around for ten years and no matter how much 'padding' i tried to put between us- or how much I tried to push him away, he's still around lol and I'm thankful for that, because I realize just how much of it was ME and not my weight.

And, seriously, if you were to ask your husband if he minded.. he'd tell you that he loves you no matter what.
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:07 PM   #12
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I will tell you that one thing that is a huge turn on for most men is a woman who *likes* sex and who isn't freaked out or "grossed" out by all that is involved in sex.

I met my guy when I was at my heaviest weight and it never seemed to bother him. And this is a guy who is always cracking jokes about how so-and-so has a smokin' hot body ... but he's still with *me* and not the hottie who lives next door.

But one of the things that he and I have both discussed is that he loves that I love sex. He loves that I'm willing to try anything with him. He loves that I'm not turned off by the fact that *he* likes sex and that I'm willing to talk about it, to tease him, etc. And to accept the same from him.

Like kaplods says ... it's 90% in your head. It really is. Yes, men are more visual than women, but you show you're not just willing, but ENTHUSIASTIC and that makes up for a helluva lot of "jiggle" that you wish you didn't have.

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Old 07-21-2008, 09:10 PM   #13
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halfbakedtulip- I couldn't help but comment on your porn thing LOL
I've had it explained like this... "I LOVE chicken, chicken is my fave thing to eat- could eat it every day and will eat it every day... but if the chicken is dry or cranky lol i like a little meat loaf LOL Doesn't change the way I feel about chicken!" I will NEVER forget that as long as I live LOL I have the weirdest friends LOL

Borntofly- it isn't about sexual experience.. it truly isnt......... it's about finding someone that excites you- men *most* will never change, they love teaching you as much as you'll love to learn LOL Find someone who cares for you and someone you can care for- and be proud of your experience- Screw the idea that their opinion of your sex life matters- Because it doesnt. I have no problem telling people how i feel about sex and what i've done, or not done- I own it because it's only a TINY part of who I am.

Not that i go around telling everyone LMAO that isn't what i meant LOL
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Old 07-21-2008, 09:12 PM   #14
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Born-Don't let life pass you by. A relationship is good to get into but it is not the only thing in the world. It seems like you are playing it safe by having only online romances....go out. Do not worry about what you think people are thinking because chances are they aren't I'm a big advocate for positive thinking!

I have been with my husband since high school. He's seen me when I was thin and he's seen me at my highest weight. He's a former Marine and works out all of the time. Do I have doubts that he finds me attractive because I'm overweight? Nope. I haven't always been confident but from what I have learned from attending trainings for my business...Sexiness is not what you look like, it's an attitude!

Remember not all guys are jerks but you are going to have to kiss a few toads before you find "the one". Get yourself out there....not to find someone but to enjoy yourself. They'll come along when the time is right.

I really do recommend seeing a therapist....they can help you sort things through.

*hugs*
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Old 07-21-2008, 11:23 PM   #15
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My weight doesn't affect my romantic/sex life now, but it did before I lost 100 pounds. I had guys interested many times, but I would always reject them because I thought I wasn't worthy of having romance in my life. I regret it now, because I realized how much I was missing. I have have a full dating calander now that I sometimes can't keep up with, but I always think about the ones I pushed away. Its nice, but I still come home alone every night (or worse wake up alone).
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