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My mama....

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Old 06-16-2008, 10:04 AM   #1
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Unhappy My mama....

Friday I made the decision to take her off life support. Days before this it seemed like she might win the battle. Her body responded to the first round of chemo, perfectly. The cancer grew back overnight. The doctor said this is the most aggressive type of cancer he'd ever seen, and it was a really rare type usually only found in children. I consented for a 2nd round of chemo. My mistake. It made her mentally unresponsive. Eyes wide open, would sometimes focus on anything, but no recognition at all. They told me then, it was hopeless. It would be kinder to let her go. She would not come through this. Especially after the chemo (that I consented for a 2nd time). So I had them remove everything, and I sat and held her hand and watched her struggle for oxygen for 3 hours until she died.

No matter which way I look at this, I killed her.

The cancer started it, and I finished it.

How the eff am I supposed to get my head around that?

I bury her tomorrow.

It's done wonders for my weight.
If you're struggling with those pesky numbers, try killing your mom sometime.
I've already lost 5 pounds.

I'm heavily medicated.
But nothing takes away the sound of her struggling for air.
Nothing takes away the feeling of feeling her body turn cold.
Nothing takes away waiting, waiting, knowing I was doing what she wanted,
but knowing any second was her last and she did not, could not, know me.
Nothing takes away the fact that I never got to tell her everything in my heart, when she could understand it. I never got to say goodbye,
and I had to pull the ventilator.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:10 AM   #2
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Oh, honey, you did not "kill her", you set her free from what was killing her. Please try to get some counseling. Do you have a therapist? Does the hospital have a grief counselor or therapist available?

I am so sorry this decision had to be enforced by you and that it hurts you so. Try to remember that it was HER decision and it was the kindest thing possible to speak out and be her voice when she had none. That is TRUE LOVE and compassion.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:14 AM   #3
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You did not kill her...you gave her the greatest gift possible... the gift of freedom from pain and a horrible disease, despite the fact that it hurt your heart to do it.

You didn't give her cancer...but you gave her relief from it.

I am so sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:21 AM   #4
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I am so so so sorry for your loss. And I'm quite sure that nothing anyone can say right now will take away the pain and grief that you feel. But, you must know that you did not kill your mother. You did the best that you could in an attempt to help her. Without the second round of chemo the cancer would have just grown and killed her for sure, only it would have been a very painful death. What you did was give your mother some dignity and peace. Your mother is still with you, only now you can just show her everything in your heart.

I hope you find peace.

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Old 06-16-2008, 10:22 AM   #5
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I agree that you set her free from what was killing her. It was incredibly difficult for you and I'm so sorry that you are going though this. Grief counseling is a great idea to help you work through this very difficult time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:32 AM   #6
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I am in complete agreement with the other ladies here. You did not kill your mother, you set her free from what was killing her. You did what she would have wanted you to do. I know it was incredibly difficult to do and you will not be able to grieve it all over night. Seek out some professional help though. Medication is nice, but it's better to speak with someone who is trained with this type of grief. Please don't try to do this on your own. You need to forgive yourself. Your mother is in such a better place. She is able to fully rest and not have a disease eating away at her body. Please try to be at peace.

I am so sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:33 AM   #7
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So sorry for your loss dear. But you DID NOT kill your mom. Please STOP thinking that way. I know no matter what we all say it's not going to make it easy but you saved her from the misery and suffering she would have gone thru. She would not want you to think you killed her cuz you did not. She is in a happy and much peaceful place. You were kind to her by not letting her go through the pain. We know the decision was the hardest thing ever but you did the right thing. Please go for some grief counselling or therapy sessions as they will definitely help you cope through these hard times. We are all here for you
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:34 AM   #8
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I am so sorry for your loss. Do not blame yourself. You made a very difficult decision.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:38 AM   #9
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I agree with the others, she is free of pain and in a better place. I will add this, there is nothing like losing your mother , no matter how it happens. Please do not blame yourself and I would recommend counseling.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:40 AM   #10
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You have been through so much - many people go their entire lives and never have to go through something so difficult. I have had to go through taking someone off life support (not me personally, but my family) twice - for my grandmother (she also cancer) and my 2 year old niece. I was with both when they died, and it was HORRIBLE, so my heart is just breaking for you right now. But like everyone else has said, your mother actually died naturally - she was suffering greatly and prolonging the misery would not have been best for you. No one should ever have to make that decision, but you did the right thing. I pray for you to find peace, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:43 AM   #11
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I'm sorry sweetie I know what you're going through.

I had to make the same decision 2 years ago..and it is something I can't ever get over. I still blame my family for taking advantage of my weak state of mind, and pushing me into doing that. I wasn't ready to let go, and I hate myself for not being strong enough for her.

If you ever wanna talk..PM me.
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:10 AM   #12
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We did this for my older sister a few days before Christmas in 2005 so I know how you feel.

She was in terrible pain and there was nothing medically anybody could do to save her. The same is true for your mom.

You did the most LOVING thing you could possibly do.
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:13 AM   #13
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I'm sorry for your loss and all the pain you're in. I hope that once you've grieved for awhile that you'll start to see you are not responsible for your mother's death. No one could have saved her, and you did the right thing. Please take care of yourself.
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:16 AM   #14
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Every decision you made was made out of love.

You have my sincerest sympathies. Take care of yourself.
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:24 AM   #15
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Oh!

I agree that maybe you should seek some counseling. That's such an awful decision to have to make!

And the others are right -- you didn't kill her!
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