I haven't been around this week, and I've slipping more and more off my plan.
I know it's important than I find some sort of way to hold on and keep going. I've lost 22 lbs. I only have 100 to go.
In ten days, I've lost 2 people, and am watching another die.
One of my close friends died the Sunday before last (10 days ago). She died on the one year anniversary of another close friends death (by suicide). I hadn't even recovered from that by any means, when I was notified that my mother was in ICU. Before this i haven't spoken to my mother in 6 months at least because of her last drug overdose and then her subsequent theft of all my medications. So. Now, my mother who was fine 7 days ago, is now sick and dying in the hospital. She has cancer. She has at least 9 tumors in her stomach that they can tell, and 3 of them are cancerous. Her kidneys are failing, and she's on oxygen because she is having a hard time taking a full breath due to some of the other tumors. My skinny little mother now looks like she is 9 months pregnant due to all the fluid in her body. They drain 3 liters a day, to no avail. and it's hard for me just to sit here and watch her progressively get worse by the SECOND. It's happening SO fast. My brother called me and told me to come see her before she dies and I don't have a chance, so I made the trip. and it killed me. I held the tub while she vomitted into it and just brushed her hair out of her face, and I am sooo angry right now. I was determined that I was going to maintain my attitude and maintain my health this whole time. Then I got up Monday, and my grandmother (who lives with me, who I take care of), fell . I pulled several muscles in my back trying to pick her up.I got her up and got her to go get xrays. Thankfully she only has a sprained ankle. Currently, I can't move without this overwhelming pain. SO you take ALLLLLLLLLLLL of that and throw it in with balancing my full time job, the mortgage, etc etc.
I can't do this.
So lately (and somehow I still managed to lose 2 lbs last week)... I have been slipping. I am so emotionally distraught that obviously, I run to food.
I'm managing not to binge, with the exception of one day when I made myself sick. But like tonight, I just had some disgusting fried chicken and mashed potatos. It didn't even taste good, but I ate it. and now I feel like crap, figuratively and literally.
I'm just trying to keep my head above water.
I literally just want to die.
But somewhere underneath all that, i'm still trying to count calories.
HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA