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OT - when does it get to be our chance in the sun on Mother's Day?

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Old 05-07-2008, 12:26 PM   #1
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Default OT - when does it get to be our chance in the sun on Mother's Day?

I love my mom, of course I do and I don't think I have ever forgotten Mother's Day. I send her a card, give her a call and have on occasion and I could afford it send her flowers and when she lived closer I would generally run down to see her. At present she lives a 90 minute car drive one way so going to see her pretty much takes up several hours and by the time I get home I am too tired to do anything else. Yesterday she calls and asks if we are coming down this weekend and I said that I hadn't thought about it and why would we be coming down? Because it's mother's day she says. Well I'm a mother too I say and she really didn't have a reply to that. It is also my birthday next week so she has bought me a plant and as she figured I would be coming down for mother's day that is when she was going to give it to me but as I said I probably wasn't she is going to drive up sometime next week. Okay I have a full-time job, a husband, a 6 year old son, a house to maintain and I'm 22 weeks pregnant, she doesn't work, divorced, lives in an apartment, is fully capable of getting in the car and driving up to see me. I am at a loss as to why it is always supposed to be me that has to drive to see her. My SIL is in exactly the same boat. The onus is always on us to do the visiting and whatnot on these sorts of days. When do we get to stay home and let parents come to visit us? We had a similar situation with Christmas, we were all supposed to drive to my husband's parents house when they don't have a house capable of sitting all their children, spouses and grandchildren. Finally 3 years ago I invited everyone to my house and since then we have taken turns hosting Xmas between myself and my SILs. I think it is a natural progression that it is our turn to be the parents and our parents need to accept that fact that we've families of our own. If my mom couldn't drive or lived 20 minutes away it would be an entirely different story. Am I being selfish? Any thought, opinions or similar stories?
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Old 05-07-2008, 12:29 PM   #2
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Not selfish at all. I think it's time to start issuing invitations for your mom to come see you on mother's day.

"Hey Mom - we want to treat you to dinner at our place on Mother's Day. Can you come at 5:30?"

One thing that has always been a pet peeve of mine is that because my husband and I don't have children, it's assumed that we can travel cross country for every holiday just as a matter of course. Very frustrating, so I sympathise entirely.

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Old 05-07-2008, 12:43 PM   #3
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Does she feel uncomfortable inviting herself to your house? Sometimes I wish my parents did -- they live 3 1/2 hours away and will call when they are 1/2 from my house to say they are "stopping in" -- with two kids - this is a crisis!!!

When I was single, I visited at least one weekend a month -- now we spend maybe one holiday a year with my family. We still haul the kids to my father in laws for holidays which, I wouldn't mind, if some of my husband's family was a little more interesting to hang out with!!

It appears you and your sister-in-law get along -- I think it's time to start sharing the load!! Divide up the holidays and invite the parent's/in-laws -- you are more than within your right to want to stay home -- I always think that's easier on the kids -- own rules, toys, etc.

My sister and I tend to plan a "1/2 way trip" for a brunch or something every once in a while for father or mother's day -- so no one has to do the whole trip and no one has to clean their house. Another benefit from this is when you are ready to go -- you don't have to push people out the door!!!
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Old 05-07-2008, 03:33 PM   #4
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I dunno, I guess I would say try inviting her in advance next Mothers Day... if not ON Mother's Day, maybe a day or two before, for some special time together. Then you can have Mother's Day with your DH and child on Sunday.

I used to feel kind of annoyed that my Mother would never come and visit me (she lived a plane trip away so it wasn't easy). I always had to come see her. But then in 2001 she died very suddenly, and now yes I have Mother's Day all to myself but I wish I had a mom to send flowers to.
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Old 05-07-2008, 05:22 PM   #5
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Jen,

I could have written your post, except my mom lives an hour away. Every year we're supposed to drop everything for Mother's Day and do something for HER. Heck, not just mother's day. It isn't even considered that my sisters and I are mom's also. My mom didn't even give any of us Mother's Day cards until my oldest niece was eleven! Now my mom and two sisters aren't speaking to each other, and everything is left up to me. My mom is on vacation and won't get home until 5/9. I have no clue what we're doing, and I also would like to do something for my mother in law. My mother in law is the total opposite. She said "do not spend any money on her or take her out to eat." Wish my mom felt the same way. I hate going out on holidays.

I really dislike the holiday, to be honest...except of course for the cards and things my son makes-along with spending time with him and getting extra hugs and kisses! that's my absolute favorite part.

Hugs, and congrats on expecting.

Take care,
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Old 05-07-2008, 06:54 PM   #6
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Sounds like someone is really grumpy. Maybe you just should forget about Mother's day this year? Doesn't sound like a good time... My mother has passed away, too, and I would give a lot if I could drive anywhere and see her... but I am not a mother myself and don't have a lot of household responsibilities. I'd say, you and she need to talk about it. No point in hurting her feelings, or getting yours hurt, over this.

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Old 05-07-2008, 07:09 PM   #7
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i'm a mom both bio mom and stepmom raising my SD, my MIL is only 8 yrs older than I am and my biomother is dead over 12 years now.

we pretty much ignore the holiday.
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Old 05-07-2008, 08:06 PM   #8
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I'm going to play devil's advocate, because my first thoughts were about what your mom's mindset might be. Here are a few possibilities:

Maybe it just never occurred to her that you are a mom, too, and that you would really appreciate it if she made the effort to come see you. That sounds funny, but some people seem to have a hard time accepting that their children are grown and have families of their own to think about. They just expect that things will continue as they always have, because it's "tradition" and the only thing they have known.

I also was thinking that it might be kind of like celebrating your birthday the same way every year for decades, then someone comes along with the same birthday as yours and steals a little bit of your thunder. You may think "Hey! I was here first--this is my day!"

She may think that because she's your mother, and has paid her dues already, that she deserves it. Maybe she went through the same thing with her mother, and expects you to accept it as she did.



When I moved out of my parents house I was only living about 15 minutes away. Yet, I was the one who would come over regularly to visit them, even though I made it clear, often, that I would love to have them over at any time. They almost never came over to see me: I always had to trek over to their place. And yes, I was disappointed and it did kind of hurt my feelings.

I think my mother only came over maybe 3 times over the course of 7 years. She seemed uncomfortable and out-of-sorts when she did visit, so maybe that's why she didn't do it more often (I can't ask her, since she passed away a few years ago).

I think she just liked being at her own home, puttering around the kitchen and so on, and would rather have visitors than be one. Maybe your mom is the same?
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Old 05-08-2008, 12:52 PM   #9
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My dh and I both visit our mothers on mother's day no matter what is going on. We have two kids and a very busy lifestyle but we still do it. My main reason being a mom myself is what if when my children grow up and have families of their own, they decide not to visit me on such a special holiday...it would break my heart. Our children will have many more mother's days with us and as we get older, our mother's days with ours are numbered. I try to explain this to my brother all the time because he thinks he is too busy...I just tell him that I hope he gets past that way of thinking before it's too late.
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Old 05-08-2008, 01:23 PM   #10
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I wish I had some input,...fortunately, or unfortunately not sure which) my mother is to messed up on drugs to care about being my mother, much less about mothers day...and I don't have kids. So this holiday pretty much means crap to me.
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Old 05-08-2008, 01:41 PM   #11
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Thanks everyone for their replies. I wouldn't say that I am really grumpy or angry about this issue, it is more of a vent and wondering if I'm the only one whose mom and MIL act like this. It felt like it had to be a universal trait so I wasn't sure. I also get those of you whose mothers have passed away and you wish she was around so you could go and see her. I appreciate where you are coming from and I'm sorry that your moms aren't around anymore. I know I will be a wreck when my mom dies no matter what our relationship is, your mom is always your mom.

I can also appreciate what wendymeows is saying about wanting her own kids to come and see her when they are older and out of the house and that is definately something that I want as well. But I want my kids to come because they love me and it is not an inconvenience or a chore. My mom and my husband's parents have turned a lot of special days and holidays into that because they turn it into a big guilt trip (not my mom so much but my husband's mom in particular). There is a lot of crazy stuff going on right now with my husband's family, you would not believe the drama those people generate, it is like a soap opera.

I'm not especially close to my mom, I love her but I'm not all that close to her and sometimes spending time with her can be very difficult. She is very opinionated, always has been as far back as I can remember and I think I am a bit more tolerant and diplomatic about other people. She tends to critisize a lot and gets her feeling hurt when people don't take her advice especially me and my brother about raising our kids.

Is there anybody out there who doesn't come from a dysfunctional family?
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Old 05-08-2008, 01:44 PM   #12
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Quote:
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Is there anybody out there who doesn't come from a dysfunctional family?
NOPE! I would say we are all messed up in one way or another!
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Old 05-08-2008, 02:21 PM   #13
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Jen,

Your mother sounds so much like mine!

Hugs,
Sherry
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Old 05-08-2008, 05:27 PM   #14
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Jen,
Don't feel like you are being selfish. You are right, you are a mom, too! However, I would think about how to approach it next time. Inviting her to your house before an issue arises is a great idea - and if she cannot/will not come you have done your part.
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Old 05-08-2008, 05:30 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xGurlyGrlx View Post
NOPE! I would say we are all messed up in one way or another!

oh heck we put the FUN in dysfunction.
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