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Old 05-04-2008, 07:53 PM   #1
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Default history.....

I posted this in the depression forum, but I figured I would post it here too, because it sort of just fit and this is my favorite forum....

A little history. I'm just going to rant here for perspective. It may get long. If no one replies I won't stomp my feet.

I've been dealing with moderate to severe depression for.. well. my whole life? i'm 27 and I remember dealing with thoughts of suicide from the time I was 8 or 9, until..now. I've been on medication after medication, I tried (AND QUIT!) therapy twice. I've ignored it and hoped it would just disappear. One day very recently I woke up and realized I was weighing in at nearly 300 lbs and I was sort of just eating myself into death, sort of a passive suicide attempt. It was sort of a wake up call. I'm now trying to recharge my batteries, so to speak. When I have a negative thought, I try to visually see myself throwing it away and tell myself something positive to counter act it. Usually I feel like i'm lying to myself, but i'm ok with lying to myself for the greater good.

I just don't know how to do it "For life" without meds or therapy.

I KNOW I need therapy. I just don't want to continue it.

For years I've been having reoccurring dream sequences, in the past few years I've gained more and more fragments. I began to touch on it in therapy and when I felt the truth coming, I ran from it. I ran from it and covered it with food. I believe I was sexually abused sometime before the age of 5. I finally came and talked to my grandmother about it about 3 years ago and she broke down and cried and told me that she had been worried about it, due to my behavior as a kindergartener and how my tantrums and withdrawal problems around men (and me refusing to speak for several months and being forced into speech therapy) made her really concerned, but then I seemingly "got over it" and no one in my family pushed it.

Then - My parents divorced when I was 3 and my father remarried a woman who I was very excited to adopt as my new mother. When her relationship was solid (she had a son with my father), I was out the window. She never abused me in his presence. When Daddy was home, it was golden. She called me sweet names, she pet me, she loved me. The minute the door shut, it was another story. I finally grew to fear and count the seconds that he would leave/reappear. She would hit me for looking at her wrong, hit me for forgetting to call her Maam, hit me if my brothers misbehaved, hit me if her daughter pissed her off, whatever. I told myself my whole life that it wasn't abuse, she was "just strict". She also told me I was fat. and spoiled. and that my grandmother hated me. I could go on about this for years. The bottom line is, I started fantasizing about killing myself because it was the only possible escape I could picture. I didn't see a way out. My step sister thwarted one suicide attempt and I begged her and bribed her to keep her from telling my father. It worked. This just set me up for a bad situation. WE were also very poor and never had much food. We were also very religious and couldnt' eat meat, so the pattern was, I would starve (basically) all week, looking forward to my free school lunches, and eating very little else. On weekends with my mother I would eat anything she would give me, which was usually unhealthy, fast, and full of fat. (on another fun side note, my mother was a drug dealer, and never had time for me when I was there, but she at least loved me, and I wans't offended by her lack of attention it got me away from my stepmother on weekends!). I figured out food would comfort me and nothing else would. And I went from being SKINNY (my nickname was skinny minny) to being quite fat. Every barb my stepmother would tell me about being fat, just made me horde food later and binge on it. I finally escaped when I was 13 (my grandmother took me in), but the damage was done.

My grandmother felt remorse and guilt for allowing me to be in a situation where I was abused and emotionally damaged, and so she would never turn me down. I suddenly had any food/drink I wanted, whenever I wanted, as well as new clothes, new cds, anything my heart desired. And I got even fatter. And fatter. And began binging. I won't mention high school, but that could take pages. I will say that it was horrible, and alienated me in ways I am still dealing with. everyday people threw money at me and called me satans whore (i'm fond of wearing black...and i live in the bible belt). I would eat until I was sick when I got home to try to deal with their crap.

By the time I was 17 I realized that I could help things along if I added laxatives and vomitting into the mix. By the time I got married at 19, I was incapable of going to the bathroom on my own, and had an unhealthy (and expensive) addiction to laxatives. I stopped leaving my apartment altogether because I wuold make myself so sick. Eventually it got to the point that I would assume that i was going to be sick, and so I wouldn't leave even if I felt quite good. From the time I was 19, until the time I was 23, I didn't work. I didn't leave my apartment. Ever. (and I got to the skinniest I had ever been, by using laxatives and starving myself).

I decided to get proactive about changing my life, and it took months of baby steps for me to overcome my paralyzing agoraphobia. I mean MONTHS.
And I got a job. And I got on medication. And I got responsible. And I really learned how to take care of myself.

And in the past few years of working at a high stress job, I have overcome all of my agoraphobia, but I still have bad habits. I traded one set of problems for another. I had no time, I had a lot of stress, blah blah blah. I quit therapy, etc. I ignored my problems. When my husband walked out on me, I ignored my problems. When I was having a headache everyday for 5 years, I tried to deal with it, but I just distracted myself. I threw myself into becoming a work aholic and keeping food on the table, and paying bills and buying a house, la la la la, until I woke up a few weeks ago and realized I was 300 lbs. and miserable. And wanting to die more than i've ever wanted to die. and having more and more nightmares/memories about the crap I walked out of therapy about.

So now what.
I'm trying.

But... I'm so tired.
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Old 05-04-2008, 08:45 PM   #2
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Hey Czarria, I'm so sorry for all the suffering you have had in your life. When things this serious happen to people, they do need help, and sometimes they need it for a long time. Therapy is one of many tools you can use to get better. I know you say you don't want to continue it at this time, but there are therapists around now who are knowledgeable about food issues.

At the same time, dear being, you are clearly resilient and capable! You have a job, a home, and are taking care of business! Why not acknowledge that hard worker you have within--she is helping you, too.

It's hard sometimes to find that middle ground, but it is there. Take some baby steps on it. You also might want to check out the Chicks in Control forum--the 3FC members over there really know where you're coming from.

I am glad you are alive and that you have shared your story.

Hang in there!
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Old 05-04-2008, 10:01 PM   #3
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Good Lord Czarria! I know exactly what you do now: pat yourself on the back for living this darn long! You've had a pretty crappy run of it. Are you still in contact with that witch of a stepmother? I hope not.
Just focus on getting you better. Not trying to fix your mom, step-mom, dad, etc. I'm proud of you for doing so well--holding a job, buying a house, realizing you need help, etc. I grew up in the South and I know how hard it is to be different in a small, religious town!
Focus on you, and making yourself healthy, mentally and physically!
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Old 05-04-2008, 10:18 PM   #4
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Jay - Thanks... Maybe if I try therapy again, i'll at least be honest with them. Maybe it will make it easier for both of us... I'm considering it.

Chicky - Thank you....My stepmother is now a completely different woman. She got therapy, and switched churches. That's another thing I'm having a hard time with. Now she wants to be my mom, after a lifetime of not being involved with me and hating me. It's weird. But she's much nicer now. I still cringe when she goes to hug me, i'm always afraid she's going to hit me. HA!
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Old 05-05-2008, 07:51 AM   #5
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Czarria - You've definitely had a turbulent journey. But, what has happened to you in the past does not mean that you can't write your future to be whatever you desire. Do you desire health and happiness? Then, go for it! You can't change what was done to you. But, you can choose what you now do for yourself.
- Rhonda

"Live the life you've always imagined." Henry David Thoreau

Last edited by GirlyGirlSebas; 05-05-2008 at 07:51 AM.
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Old 05-05-2008, 07:59 AM   #6
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You've had a turbulent journey. I know you can get past this. Don't give up on therapy. If you don't like one therapist - then try a different one. I think sometimes being able to talk about these things helps us to let go of them

I am rooting for you!

Move ticker, move!
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"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." - Margaret Thatcher

I can't lose 100 pounds....but, just maybe I can lose five pounds twenty times.
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Old 05-05-2008, 03:40 PM   #7
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I don't really know what to say to be honest.
Your amazing.
Now just imagine getting a well fit, healthy n sexy body to go with that job and house
Good luck
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Old 05-05-2008, 04:05 PM   #8
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The Secret is: CONSISTENCY
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Old 05-05-2008, 04:49 PM   #9
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Czarria -

First of all ... kudos to you for hanging on and recognizing that you have things you need to deal with. Your life hasn't been easy and it takes courage to face that and deal with it. I know .. I've been there myself.

Next ... I want to give you maybe a little food for thought.

My grandmother was diabetic. She had to take shots of insulin for over 40 years - until the day she died. She had to see a doctor once a month to maintain her health. She did this because it was about her life ... every day for her entire life from the time she was 30. Yes, there were times that she and her doctors had to experiment (for want of a better word) to get her to the right dosages of meds. There were times she switched doctors to find the right "fit" for her (when she moved, when her regular doctor retired, etc.) . But she never stopped working on the process - because this was about her LIFE.

Now, my husband takes meds for depression and will the rest of his life. I have taken them in the past for a temporary depression. Both of us go to therapy. And you know what? Our situation is no different from my grandmother's.

This is not "optional". Taking meds and seeing a therapist is not something that we *choose* to do any more than a diabetic chooses to shoot up insulin every day!

And there is no reason that YOU should have to do this "for life" w/out meds or therapy. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't say "I don't know how I can do this w/out meds" would you? Of course not. If you had a thyroid issue and had to take hormones every day for the rest of your life, you wouldn't say "I don't know how I can do this w/out meds." Suffering from clinical depression is EXACTLY the same thing. It's a chronic chemical imbalance in your brain just as being diabetic is a chronic chemical imbalance in your pancreas.

There is no shame in taking these drugs or working with a therapist. There is no shame in taking months to figure out the right combination of drugs and therapy. There is no shame in having to go thru the whole process again when your body chemistry changes as you become healthier.

It's hard work and it will make you tired. I know. But don't give up. Don't walk away. Peeling away the layers of pain is hard but it will help. It will!

Hang in there and remember we're here to listen or help if we can.
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Old 05-05-2008, 10:47 PM   #10
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Thanks ladies.

And photochick, you nailed it on the head. I just hadn't ever thought of it that way. Hmm.
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Old 05-06-2008, 12:58 AM   #11
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Just a quick thought about therapy. I tried it with one therapist for a few sessions, HATED IT (though I loved the therapist) and vowed never to go again. I tried it with a second therapist and LOVED IT. Not that the second was a better therapist even. I only had about six weeks of therapy, and though I think I could use more, I attribute much of my weight loss success to those sessions. Maybe you're more ready for therapy now and you will have a similar experience???
onederland in 2016
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Old 05-06-2008, 10:03 AM   #12
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Hi Czarria,

Your story resonated with me. I have 2 kids with depression issues. I think it may be genetic, possibly also some tension in the home when they were young ( I am now divorced).

When you say you are ".... just tired", my daughter used to say that. It always sent chills down my spine. It sounded like she was about to give up. She would say she's tired of trying to feel happy.

She did get into therapy, and the proper meds, and she is doing great now. She pays her own rent, finished her degree, and feels pride in those accomplishments. She still has days where she struggles, but she accepts that the struggle is part of life.

Maybe therapy and medication needs to be part of what you do for your health and well-being. Take care of you!!!! I wish you well.

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