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Impact on my children

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Old 04-25-2008, 01:17 PM   #1
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A few months ago my son, then 14 was avoiding one of his friends. He would send me text messages to call him and say he had to come home. When I asked him about it he told me he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Apparently some of his friends would make comments to him about how fat I was and it hurt him. WOW! It never occurred to me that boys would have to deal with this. Even worse it never occurred to me that other people looked at me and the fat overrode everything else. I was always well dressed. I always had all of the kids over at my house and joked with them, fed them, drove them. Amazing how we can fool ourselves. I told him not to worry about me I was happy with myself... Nonsense. I was too embarrassed to share this story with my husband, why because it highlighted my weight and because I have always done everything I could to be a good mother and clearly i had let them down in this regard.
You would think that would have been my aha moment but sadly it wasn't. I still feel incredibly guilty thinking about the unnecessary issues that I have caused my children to face.
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:40 PM   #2
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It is NOT your fault that high school boys can be jerks. Your son's friends are no reflection on you. This story tells me that a) high school sucks ( I was there not too long ago), and b) your son obviously loves you very much and is hurt that his friends would insult you. Maybe his friends' parents should teach their sons some manners, as you have taught yours.
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:42 PM   #3
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Don't blame yourself for other's ignorance. If you were in a wheelchair, or had scars on your face, or a hump on your back, your children might have to deal with similar issues. I know it hurts to think you are the cause of it, but kids are going to have to face these types of situations, whether their parents are overweight or not. Growing up can be difficult, but in the long run, these types of things can make them stronger. You can just let him know that you love and support him and appreciate his love and support in return. And that you are working on your weight issue, not because of what his friends or anybody else says, but because you want a better life for yourself. I'm sure you are a very good mother and your kids appreciate you for all the wonderful things you do for them. Now just let go of that guilt!
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:54 PM   #4
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Thanks! you think it doesn't bother you but when you get teary reading replies ....
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:56 PM   #5
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Please don't beat yourself up.. kids (not just boys) can be total jerks. Esp. in todays society! It is like these kids are not taught manners or eticate what so ever. Part of the reason we homeschool! If nothing else, you should feel proud that your son loves you enough to have these kinds of comments upset him. He sounds like a good boy!
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:57 PM   #6
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If the ridicule had been over a limp or a scar or a speech impediment would you still feel guilt-ridden? The impact on your son would have been the same, but you would probably look at it differently.

I think the "shame" we attach to fat makes it harder, not easier to do something about it. Many overweight people (or people who think they're overweight) avoid social situations especially exercising in a public setting out of shame. Does it not seem crazy to you that a fat person should be ashamed of riding a bicycle or swimming or any other physical activity that actually might help them lose some of the weight?

You are overweight, you're not a pedophile, a murderer, or a shoplifter. You don't deserve the ridicule and your son doesn't deserve to hear it. I don't think guilt is a good motivator for most people, it just makes them feel worse about themselves (and if they're an emotional eater, only makes them fatter). It wasn't until I felt I deserved better, that I treated myself better.
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Old 04-25-2008, 02:46 PM   #7
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How sad for those boys who have no respect or compassion. Obviously you have taught your son better. Be proud you are raising a decent human being.
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Old 04-25-2008, 02:59 PM   #8
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I'm sorry. I agree with everyone else. You should NOT feel guilty. I was on the other side when I was in middle school. My mom wasn't heavy but she did have a J-Lo booty...hehe. I had some kids make comments to me and it really upset me. I wasn't embarrassed or ashamed. I was MAD that they would have the nerve to say something about my mother. If anything, it made me love my mom that much more! Those kids are jerks. I agree that kids would make fun of anything. My friend was teased because her dad was so tall. I think every kid goes through something. Not your fault! You are moving in the right direction.

Look at how far you have come. You have lost 20lbs!!!!
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Old 04-26-2008, 09:19 AM   #9
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I just don't understand kids and why they say the things they do. My dd is 11 and one of her friends said something about my weight when they were in a fight awhile back. It would have bothered me more but I was more curious why she would go there when both her mom and her sister are doing ww's because they are overweight. Her mom and I are good friends that sometimes walk together so it just baffeled me! *lol*

But kids are kids and they are going to say something negative to be hurtful whether you are overweight, live in a small house, wear out of style clothes, just whatever so overlook it and be glad that your son cares enough about you to get offended and to have the openness to come and tell you!
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Old 04-26-2008, 10:19 AM   #10
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Don't worry about it. It's obvious that your son loves you very much. Kids say and do stupid things. Let it roll off of your shoulders. Your doing a fantastic job on your weight loss!
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Old 04-26-2008, 10:20 AM   #11
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Children of all ages can be so hurtful. It's often a sign of their own low self esteem (build themself "up" by belittling others). Like many others have said - if not weight - the kids that are like this - will find some other cut down.

I am sorry you have to go thru this and your son, too. He sounds like a fine boy who loves his mother. That means alot.
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Old 04-26-2008, 10:57 AM   #12
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I don't think home schooled children are automatically well behaved. My daughter has a home schooled child on her tennis team and she's been asked to leave the court by the coach because she throws her raquet and displays poor sportsmanship. Kids who attend school are sometimes raised with manners, too, believe it or not.
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Old 04-26-2008, 11:14 AM   #13
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Kids can be so very cruel. I have two daughters....8 and 12. I can't believe what some of their friends say to them...and, what they say sometimes. We raise them to be respectful and considerate of others, but tact is very difficult to teach. Then, throw in some peer pressure into the mix, and it gets very interesting. You should be proud of your son for not being willing to overlook what his "friends" said about you.

The sad reality is that our society teaches acceptance of physical disabilities, however, it's perfectly acceptable and politically correct to bash fat people. Until our society change it's attitude, we are fighting a major battle to teach our children differently.
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Old 04-26-2008, 12:21 PM   #14
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Thanks everyone!
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