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And I'm still morbidly obese

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Old 04-17-2008, 01:43 PM   #1
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Default And I'm still morbidly obese

I've lost a good amount of weight and gone down from a 28 to 24, and I'm thrilled with the changes I've made to get there. But, man, lately I've been looking in the mirror and wanting to cry because I'm thinking, "Holy cow, I've lost almost 60 pounds since January and I'm still freakin' ENORMOUS."

I usually am fine and able to think of everything in relative terms -- like, my body is smaller now than it was four months ago. My body is fitter now than it was four months ago. My body is wayyyyyyyy healthier than it was four months ago. But it just seems like the progress is only putting more emphasis on how fat I still am. Does that make sense?

I look in the mirror and actually see what's left, and it gets me so down and disgusted to think that I've lost 60 pounds since Jan but it's not that noticeable because I'm still obese. The idea of progressing just seems so ... futile. And daunting. And depressing. I think it bugs me because I really want to start jogging, but I'm floppy and self conscious. And instead of motoring on to get to that goal where I feel comfortable jogging, I'm just like bleh and unmotivated.

Does anyone understand this? I have no idea what I'm going through. Granted I'm a bit hormonal this week and have a sense of impending doom because I'm visiting my skinny family next week and prepping myself for the crushing ego blow to come. I've tried to talk to DH about it, but he gets angry because he thinks I'm intent on punishing myself. But he can't possibly understand what it's like to lose a bunch of weight and still be fat.
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Old 04-17-2008, 01:48 PM   #2
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Oh boy do I understand! You're not alone there. I just recently started jogging... and I'm still floppy Focus on those positives. And hopefully this "down" moment will breeze on by.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:01 PM   #3
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Hells yeah- I do this same thing all of the time!

I think to myself how far I've come and alternatively how far I have to go. I've removed an amount of weight equivalent to a grade school child I'm sure, I've removed the amount my pit bull weighs (that big lovey girl) and I'm still FAT/morbidly obese!

I drive myself crazy with this. But the positives definitely outweigh the negatives- right? Right!

The way I encourage myself (I don't know if this will translate well being typed out) is that it takes time. The time is going to pass one way or another- I want to make positive changes during this time. I can be morbidly obese during this time or I can make changes towards a healthier me. I don't want to be filled with regret next year that I didn't do this THIS year. I'm sick of regret.

Another way (that will make even less sense by far to most) to encourage myself is that honestly I think it's sort of cool that I have to lose so much weight. I think of the lessons I'll learn, the inner power I'll discover, the changes I witness. I'm going to lose a huge amount of weight but gain infinite knowledge about myself. It's a real self exploration journey.

I want to run too- but don't want to be screamed at from passing cars (hey- I have a fragile ego) so I bought a gently used treadmill on the cheap to get me into running shape.

It's all baby steps.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:02 PM   #4
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I think anyone with more than a few pounds to lose goes through this at some point. Now you just have to decide if you're going to work through it or if you're going to let it frustrate you to the point that you give up. I did the latter, and now I'm worse off than when I started the last time.

One story I keep reminding myself of is a conversation I had with my boss at my first job out of college. She had had gastric bypass, so she knew what it was like for me to be in my early 20s and nearly 300 pounds because she had been there. Anyway, My mom read me a story from a newspaper one day about a woman who had lost a LOT of weight--over 100 pounds--by exercising and eating healthy. When she was almost to her goal weight, she had a HEART ATTACK. She ended up in the hospital.

My mother and I both responded in the same way: JEEZ, she made so many healthy lifestyle changes and STILL ended up with a heart attack?! WHAT'S THE POINT?!!!

Then I went to my boss and told her about the woman who'd had the heart attack, and her response was, "Wow, she's really lucky." WHAT?! Lucky to have a heart attack? Lucky to work so hard to get healthy and lose weight and do what's right for her body, only to end up in the hospital anyway? I asked her how she could possibly use the term "lucky" in reference to this poor woman's situation, and she said, "Well, if she hadn't made all those healthy changes and gotten into such great shape, she would probably be dead from that heart attack instead of just in the hospital. Her obese, unhealthy body wouldn't have been able to handle it."

Wow. It's all in how you look at things. I know it feels futile at this point, but you've got to just focus on the good instead of the bad. And if you can't do that, then you've got to just suck it up and keep going anyway At least, that's the lesson I've learned from my experiences.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:03 PM   #5
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I know exactly what you mean. I am visiting my bf's family soon and I am sure they are expecting me to look like something else!

I say go put on your old jeans and hang out in them for awhile and it will make you feel better! I can't wait until I am where you are and can say I have lost 60lbs! Keep your head up! You are doing fantastic!!
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:06 PM   #6
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I completely understand. After losing almost 60 lbs, I sometimes feel great and see all the progress but some days I feel really down and like it hasn't really made all that much difference, and after working so hard to lose 60 lbs, I should be done already. I think everybody has these days. But you just keep on going and I'll bet people will notice your progress and you'll get lots of compliments, and next week you'll be feeling great about yourself again. Just be stubborn about it, keep going one day at a time, and you'll get there!

Wait, since January? Of this year? That's amazing, it's taken me a year to get the same amount off. Just think of where you'll be a year from now!
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:08 PM   #7
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can completely relate to it, though. It's very interesting to me that the way I feel about my "fatness" changes from day to day. I remember feeling very skinny when I hit about 210, then feeling hugely fat again at about 195, etc. My feelings still fluctuate so much, and I have been lurking in the maintainer's forum and reading posts from people who started at 150 or so talking about how hugely fat they were when they started, and that only adds to my confused, muddled, mushed-up feelings about how I'm supposed to look. I understand how they could feel fat at 150, and I'm not criticizing their feelings, but it's sometimes hard for me to read.

And, you know what? I have to consciously drag myself away from that place. My family has lots of obesity in it, so I'm fortunate that to my sisters - who have experience at being close to my starting weight - believe that I'm thin right now. So, for me, that's helpful. What about you? It seems as though your husband is pretty supportive?? Maybe he can help you get back to that place where you understand that you've made some amazing progress.

I believe that it's all about finding ways to protect yourself psychologically when those moments come. In my experience, telling myself I'm fat and hideous only leads to self-recrimination and despair - neither of which are conducive to either weight loss or leading a generally productive life. Finding those resources to help me feel better about myself has been as important to my journey as discovering those healthy recipes that I can't live without.

I think we all go through what you're coping with right now. I know you can find your way through it - and will be well rewarded when you reach the other side.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:08 PM   #8
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I surely do understand. But you must give yourself credit for a great job done so far. It's so difficult to lose even one lb and you've lost 60 of em'. 60!!!!

Weight is not an instant gratifacation type thing. It's a process. We didn't put it all on so quickly and therefore it's gonna take some time to get it all off.

You are for sure, for sure, smaller, fitter and healthier. There are so many wonderful, incredible rewards as you progress on your journey. Really, really stupendous things lay just ahead for you. HANG TIGHT. You'll get there. You most certainly will get there. And boy oh boy, when you do days like this will be a thing of the past.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:39 PM   #9
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I know how you feel, sometimes I look in the mirror and get disgusted (I think it's something that most of us do). I think you're doing amazing... 60 lbs!! That's incredible!! You're getting healthier every day. I'm 250 lbs and I'm healthier than my 118 lb sister in law, weight is just a number, I go by how I feel. I used to beat myself up for being obese, but realized it's not going to get me anywhere. I feel darn proud every day that I'm doing something to change my life. You're doing wonderfully, an inspiration to me and I'm sure many others. Best of luck with your journey and keep your chin up!!
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Old 04-17-2008, 02:48 PM   #10
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Default Don't be so hard on yourself!

I am the queen of getting discouraged and it is so easy to do. You have to focus on the positive and not the negative. I know it is easier to say than to do.

I don't know about you, but the whole time I was gaining weight, I didn't look in the mirror, so maybe you should try to avoid the mirror and focus on all the positive changes you have made. Think about the weight you have lost and not how much you still want to lose!

I hope this helps.
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Old 04-17-2008, 03:12 PM   #11
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I just wanted to add that I think you are doing awesome. I'm sorry you are feeling down about where you are now, but the distance you have come is just amazing!!!!

Everyone has given you great advice here. I hope you can get just keep plugging along through this! Just take it one day at a time until you get back to feeling happy. I really think it will come back to you!
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Old 04-17-2008, 03:22 PM   #12
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Smile We all have so much wisdom, don't we?

All of your responses were so good. I could relate to all of them.

Mentally, I am about where you are at as well. I too am "still morbidly obese". Usually what I do is chastise myself for not having lost more since I began last fall. I know that I could have lost at least another 20 lbs if I would have tried harder. I feel sort of guilty saying that because here some of you are eating like birds and I am still eating like a lumberjack (compared to most of you) and losing weight. So, I feel like I'm not "suffering enough".
I have taken several weeks off to "maintain" (read: eat what I want) over the holidays. Then, when I went away, I packed everything but my "diet". This list goes on and on. You get the idea.

However, the fact remains is you did lose what you lost and maybe you have forgotten already how it felt to be the size 28. I was jolted into a reality check when I got a renewal bank card that had my photo of me at my highest weight of 287. I yelled! "I'm going into that bank and demand that my picture be retaken. I'm going around flashing that so people can see how fat I used to look." My face looked like a helium balloon. My big eyes looks like two slits! I don't ever want to look that way ever again!

In fact, when I was in the Post Office on Tax Day I had it in front of me and the guy behind me(we were in the line like sardines in a can) looked at the picture, looked at me and gasped!! If for no other reason than moments like this, having your picture taken as you lose weight will be a powerful visual aid in all you have done. I have mine in my white underwear on my blog. No air brushing, no trick poses, no "nothing".

My suggestion is get those old photos out now and take a good look at how far you have come! That will help remind you that you have done what you have done. Lost 60 lbs. Fantastic!! As for your skinny family, they will notice every ounce, don't be fooled. They may not admit it but they will!!

Keep going on. As for everyone else, thanks for all the great insights.
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Old 04-17-2008, 03:44 PM   #13
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Girl I know exactly how you feel! I started in January as well and have lost 75 pounds and I look in the mirror and I'm still fat, I am still in the 200's. I will still be in the 200's when I lose 100 pounds. All of this going on in your head won't help, I am trying my best to not look at the numbers and look at how I feel, how my body feels. I know I look different but in my head I'm still above 300 pounds. I just wanted to share so you know that you are NOT alone! Congratulations on the weightloss and I wish you the best with everything! If you need to talk I'm here
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Old 04-17-2008, 04:29 PM   #14
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I can't claim to know how you feel. I have yet to lose as much weight as you have already lost, and I am struggling.

But I did want to offer a word of encouragement anyway. You have come so far! Yes, there is a long way to go, but there always was! There is not nearly as far to go now as when you began.

Yes, you're still morbidly obese, but you are changing that every day! Every day that you do the right thing by yourself, you make yourself stronger.

You can keep going. It's one step at a time. You're feeling down now, but you won't feel that way forever. This is a very big challenge, and you should never feel bad because you feel despair sometimes. Everyone facing a big task feels that way from time to time--"I just can't keep going" "This is too hard" "Why even try?"

The secret is that you don't have to climb the whole mountain at once--you only have to put one foot in front of the other, at whatever pace you can manage. You can.

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Old 04-17-2008, 04:35 PM   #15
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Congrats on your success!!!

While I don't have anything new or different to say, hopefully just knowing that one more person feels like you do will help you through this.

And please be nice to yourself What would you say to your very best friend if he/she were in your exact position? Now say that to yourself!!
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