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dumped and feeling like a fat failure. advice and support

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Old 04-15-2008, 04:23 AM   #1
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Default dumped and feeling like a fat failure. advice and support

To make a long story short I'm 27 and until a few months ago was a never been kissed or dated virgin. In February I started dating this guy and it got intimate fairly quickly. I thought things were going well and indeed this past weekend was very nice. Woke up yesterday with him to cuddles and kisses and spent the day touring wineries. Then tonight I get home from a particularly crappy day at work and over yahoo instant messenger he dumps me. His only reason is that there is "no spark" for him. So I go from waking up holding him and being held Sunday morning to being told Monday night that he never wants to see me again. I'm lost, scared and confused right now. I went 27 years without anything and now I get two months of feeling like a normal, desirable woman. Now without warning it's over and I don't know what went wrong so I sit here blaming myself and my inexperience and stupidity. Right now I don't think it will ever be safe for me to care about anyone but then again I had to wait 27 years for one man to want to date me so perhaps it will be another 27 before another does. When I count it all out it was only 5 nights and maybe a dozen times of being intimate we actually spent together due to living 200 miles apart. It doesn't seem like much but it's all I've ever had. I feel woefully behind compared to every other woman my age on the planet and am wondering if this will be all I can achieve.

My weight loss efforts have been a nightmare over the last few months. Nothing I do works and I haven't lost an ounce. Now I feel like I just want to eat and I eat when I'm sad and unhappy. I skipped the gym tonight. I never skip the gym. But I was so hurt I couldn't go. I'm not losing weight at all and now to top it off I'm back out there being fat and single. That and i'm supposed to be graduating from school soon but am struggling to pass my classes, my job is stressful but not sure I am going to find a new one that pays decently.

Nothing is going right but I really don't want to gain weight although my body refuses to lose any. Any advice for me? I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.
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Old 04-15-2008, 05:10 AM   #2
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Kierra, I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves to be treated like this and although it hurts now, thank god YOU are rid of this loser before you really got committed! Who breaks up over Yahoo? Seriously? Is this guy an adult???

Listen, hon, I know it's hard and I have so been there... I STOPPED my workouts, my eating right, my taking care of ME when I broke up with my ex a few years back. And where am I? Exactly the same place I started when I joined WW in 1999. But you can get revenge by taking even BETTER care of yourself, by GOING to the gym, by eating right, by getting hotter and hotter every single day to the point where this guy is totally going to regret what he's done (because you are smart, beautiful and HOT) and it'll be TOO LATE for him!

Do it for you. DO NOT let this guy take your hard work away from you. Keep going girl. WE know you are worth it and WE want to stand by you and see you succeed!!!

HANG IN THERE!
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Old 04-15-2008, 05:55 AM   #3
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Oh, honey, how rotten. What a total PRICK! And I agree with Velveteen that if he's as much of a selfish jerk as to treat you that way, it's maybe better to be shot of him now rather than falling deeper and deeper in love, but - but that's easy enough for me to say, isn't it, when it's not my heart that's been broken.

Try to use it as motivation to keep on plan. (Speaking of which - if you're not noticing a loss of pounds or inches lately, perhaps you need a different plan? Are you low carbing? Calorie counting? Maybe try a month or so of something different?) But, yes - if you can channel your emotions here into kicking your *** into shape, and becoming the beautiful, healthy chick you deserve to be, then that would be a wonderful thing to come out of this unlovely experience.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:08 AM   #4
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I have to agree with everyone else so far. The problem is with HIM, not YOU! I know you're hurting right now, but you won't be forever. Don't try to figure him out, cause at the end of the day, we can't change how other people act, ony how we react. You are in control of your life, so please don't let this terrible setback affect your efforts at being a healthier and livelier person. He wasn't right for you, but someone is!! I don't know how to use the animated thingy's, but lots of hugs coming your way!!
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:14 AM   #5
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I am so, so sorry this happened. He was awful to act this way.

As far as your weight loss - try to take it a day at a time. Maybe try a different approach to eating.

Also, try to do some deep breathing. It will make you feel better. And - journalling your feelings on paper might help too. It can help you to keep those thoughts from constantly spinning in your head.

Do the best you can.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:39 AM   #6
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I'm so sorry he did this to you. I know its hard to see things objectively right now, but you really are better off without him. Anyone who would actually break up over Yahoo is not a nice person.

For right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to concentrate of finishing school and maintaining your workouts. Get to know who you are and learn to love yourself. Being attractive to men is oftentimes more about self-confidence than weight. As you learn to love yourself, you will probably be surprised at how many good men suddenly appear in your life.
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:14 AM   #7
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Do not let him be the measure of who you are. I think he should be your learning experience -- not to make you dwell on what happened, but what type of person he was and make a mental note of who you don't want!! You have a lot going on right now, but you seem to enjoy the exercise, which is a great stress reliever -- so keep it up. You can do this -- you will make it through school, life holds so many possibilities for you -- keep taking those chances and you will graduate, find a great job and eventually meet the man of your dreams!!
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:21 AM   #8
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The last thing you need is to stop taking care of yourself. Take this time to focus on *you*. You are what is important, taking care of yourself, loving yourself.
Yes, you are going to hurt for a while. And those first loves can hurt a tiny bit forever.

Take some of the hurt and anger and throw it into your exercise at the gym. Use a punching bag there, if you haven't already. It will really feel good, I promise!
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:32 AM   #9
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"thank god YOU are rid of this loser before you really got committed! Who breaks up over Yahoo? Seriously? Is this guy an adult???"

OH, AMEN TO THAT.


I am so very, very sorry this happened to you. HE happened to you. We vest so much in what men think of us some times, more often than not, they turn out not to be worth the effort. I say, be sad, be mad, be hurt and curl up in a ball with a good movie but put a time limit on it. Be vengeful but in a way that benefits you... going to the gym.... eating healthfully. I get not going to the gym and wanting to eat everything in sight, I am a professional emotional eater, but who does that ultimately hurt? Not Yahoo-boy for sure. More than anything, don't blame your "inexperience and stupidity." It is his fault, clearly he is an idiot, woefully immature and shockingly disrespectful. Use this experience to your benefit and look for different qualities in a man next time. I hope you are proud of yourself for being smart and capable enough to handle going to school, holding down a job that is challenging, losing 42 pounds (that's amazing!) and being a single, bright woman in a world that seems full of couples. Make a list of all the wonderful things about you and celebrate yourself.

I can say from experience that time will help. This is a little raw at the moment, as well it should be. I hope you revisit this thread in a few weeks when you have had time to think of all of the things that, in hindsight, were wrong with him. Perspective is a beautiful thing. I wish you all the best.
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:39 AM   #10
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Just wanted to send some hugs. Who breaks up via Instant Message after they've gone through puberty? Seriously.

Amen to what everyone else has been saying. Take time for yourself now. Even if your body doesn't lose the weight, you can at least maintain that amazing loss of yours.

A few weeks down the road you'll be happy with yourself for staying healthy & staying away from the emotional eating.
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Old 04-15-2008, 09:20 AM   #11
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You have gotten some great advice. He was a loser from day one... I know you probably don't want to agree with that, but I'm sure you have heard about the wolf in sheeps clothes. I have had my shot at a few of them, and they are good at saying the right things and really in the end its all an act. You need to keep going for yourself. All of us here believe in you, and the fact that you came here when you were feeling weak is proof enough that you deserve to be believed in.

I totally believe that there is one special person out there for each and everyone of us. The right guy will come along! I also think you have to have a few bad eggs before you get the golden one! I was with a loser for 9 years, I was never truely happy, was abused horribly and thought that was the best life had in store for me. 2 weeks after leaving him I started dating my now hubby, what a difference. When it is real and true you will know... there is such a difference in how you feel in your heart. Your Mr. Right will come along... just have some confidence in yourself, so that when he does show up you are the best you that you can be!
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Old 04-15-2008, 09:21 AM   #12
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Oh honey, what a horrible thing he did.

Many of the above posters have echoed the same things, and they are true: his behaviour says tons about HIM. We women so often rely on what men think of us to determine our self-worth. And it's NOT TRUE. No man defines you. You define you.

I know you are feeling like you just want to crawl under a rock and you hurt. We've all been there. Right now, more than ever, it's important that you send yourself the message that you are worth taking care of. He treated you very badly, but you are still alive. And 'that which does not kill me, makes me stronger' is very, very true. For now, take that anger and turn it to your advantage. Use that energy to fuel your efforts at losing weight.

And remember, we are always here for you.
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Old 04-15-2008, 09:27 AM   #13
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Old 04-15-2008, 09:38 AM   #14
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What a PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the tackiest thing I've ever heard, to do that to someone ~ so not worth an ounce of tears let alone feeling like a "fat failure" my dear! THIN girls get dumped all the time too ~ pricks are an equal opportunity exploiter!!

I'm begging you NOT to let this a$$hole define anything in your life ~ don't let it make you spiral down into depression (well a bit of wallowing is OK, it's a break up after all) that derails your weight loss efforts ~ chalk it up to experience and something you can laugh about with the RIGHT man in your life!
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Old 04-15-2008, 10:06 AM   #15
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Trazey said everything I wanted to say!!!
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