3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community  

Go Back   3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community > Support Forum > Support Groups > 100 lb. Club

VERY O/T - Am I wrong??

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-28-2008, 03:30 PM   #1
McLovin' *TBL Red Team*
 
xGurlyGrlx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 590

Default VERY O/T - Am I wrong??

Hello Everyone.
This will probably be my most personal post to date. I need some opinions.
My bf and I have been together for almost 7 years - on and off. During our "off" time, we both were seeing other people. He was also attracted to a women that he worked with - not in the same office though. They would email all the time and she supposedly was engaged. We ended up working out our issues and got back together and bought a house together. I found out about 8 months ago that she would randomly text message him at 1am about her evening and being "so drunk." I told him I didn't think it was appropriate for her to be texting him so late. I also told him I didn't like him talking to her because he was attracted to her and trying to date her while we were separated, however, I did understand that a certain amount of communication was necessary due to them working together. I asked that he keep it to business only. He said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. They both are no longer working in the business and don't need to talk anymore regarding business. I thought the issue was resolved. Come to find out last night, he left his computer up and I happened to see an email from her. Apparently they have been emailing since Jan. of this year. He even emailed her to wish her a Happy Easter and suggesting lunch. I am very annoyed considering he knows this upsets me. Am I wrong to feel he shouldn't have communication with this girl? It's not that I am some super jealous person and don't want him having any female friends. I just don't like THIS particular female friend due to him wanting to date her. Am I being too sensitive? Am I wrong? Please share opinion. Thanks!!
Also - found out she is not engaged. She is dating someone new now. Her emails are very flirty also - talking about her new bikini's and so on.
xGurlyGrlx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 03:38 PM   #2
Shairing her ESH...
 
Jen415's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Space Coast, Florida
Posts: 3,421

S/C/G: 350/321/TBD

Height: 5'6"

Default

I don't know how old you are, but here is my nearly 43-year-old take on it.....

The main issue here is not that he is talking to her, but that he is lying to you about it. Dishonesty will wreck any relationship faster than anything. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust.

That being said....is him talking to her REALLY a deal breaker for you? Only you can answer that.
__________________
One day at a time is more than just a saying.....
First goal: Back under 300!
Jen415 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 03:51 PM   #3
Senior Member
 
Robin41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Northern California
Posts: 988

S/C/G: 292/144/145

Height: 5'10"

Default

He's trolling for somebody different. He's a liar and eventually, if not already, will be a cheater. If that's what you can handle in a relationship then fine. If not, move on and stop wasting time on this guy.

He's encouraging drunk flirty e-mails from another woman. What else is there to say?

There really are some tremendous men out there. You need to find one and this one isn't it.
__________________
Robin41



Current Weight: 144 lbs.
Robin41 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 04:07 PM   #4
Moderator - 100lb club
 
Sandi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: USA
Posts: 6,220

Height: 5'6

Default

You didn't say what his response to this was. I wouldn't be happy either. The fact that he is doing it behind your back is what bothers me the most.

He has said he wouldn't talk to her, but he went out of his way to wish her a Happy Easter and invited her to lunch. You know that he wouldn't have told you about the lunch if they had gone.

I usually follow my gut...what does your gut say?
__________________

The Secret is: CONSISTENCY

Last edited by Sandi : 03-28-2008 at 04:07 PM.
Sandi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 04:28 PM   #5
Former Quitter
 
GirlyGirlSebas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 5,500

S/C/G: 310/310/180

Height: 5'7

Default

Yes, he was wrong. Your request that he have no more personal contact was a very reasonable request given their history together. Not only did he continue this contact and initiated some of it himself, he also broke a promise to you and hid it from you. This is behaviour that you don't want to accept...ever...as it is a major indicator of what kind of future you two would have. IMO, its time to call it quits on this one and move on to better.
__________________
- Rhonda

"Live the life you've always imagined." Henry David Thoreau



Last edited by GirlyGirlSebas : 03-28-2008 at 04:29 PM.
GirlyGirlSebas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 04:36 PM   #6
What a pretty FACE...
 
MommyonaMission's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 48

S/C/G: 296/277/200

Height: 6'3''

Default

I agree with all of the above. In addition, I would like to add that my husband and I truly are BEST friends. Your BF should be more loyal to you than anyone (except his MOM) is you are to have a future. (Once the ring is on, Mom moves to #2!)!
MommyonaMission is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 04:54 PM   #7
Senior Member
 
Lyn2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,416

S/C/G: 278/see ticker/168

Height: 5'6"

Default

I have to agree, the dishonesty is the main problem. And I guess, for me, if my live-in boyfriend WANTED to have a "close" relationship with another female, that would be a problem for ME. But I know other couples who are mroe open about that kind of thing.

A good heart to heart is in order. If he loves you and respects your feelings on this then he will at least cut back on the other relationship (not by hiding it from you but by really cutting it back). Good luck!
__________________
Lyn
Lost 103 pounds, regained 60+, taking it off again.
My Blog:
www.escapefromobesity.net
*Never Give Up!*
Lyn2007 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 04:55 PM   #8
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: San Diego
Posts: 6,182

S/C/G: 200/Ethan born 1-11-13/130

Default

It's true there is absolutely no excuse for this sort of behavior, but if you really love him and want to work on a future together, it's very important to sit down and figure out what he thinks he's not getting in your relationship - what is he seeking from outside it? If it's just a chance for fresh nooky (apologies, couldn't think of a nicer way to say it) - that's a pretty big problem that might be difficult to resolve. If he just misses flirting and feeling witty and special (all that "new date" excitement) - that is something that you guys can work on together to strengthen your relationship.

The lying and sneaking around has to stop though!
__________________
SIX YEARS at maintenance weight!

My very long weight loss story

"I saw an angel in the marble and I chiseled until I set it free."
Michelangelo
Glory87 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 05:10 PM   #9
Losing the weight in 2008
 
Healthy Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 120

S/C/G: 258/ticker/160

Height: 5'8

Default

Oh yeah - there is nothing innocent about drunken text messages and flirty "bikini talk" emails. The fact that he is hiding it from you pretty much nails that. I wouldn't really call them "friends" either...
__________________
GOAL:
Healthy Mama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 05:22 PM   #10
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 182

Default

Well, I won't hesitate to admit that I am a very jealous person (working on it!) but even this takes the cake.

Blatantly lying about these things is just a no. If they had been BFFs before you ever stepped into the picture and their feelings were platonic at most, then I'd say your request was a bit off, but given the history that the two of them had, I think you're right on.

However, I must point out one thing: asking for his honesty means you being honest as well. That means admitting to reading his emails, which he may turn around and call you a "snoop" for doing, and you wouldn't even have found out if it wouldn't have happened, etc etc etc. But still, honesty is honesty, and if he's coming clean, you should too. If he even comes clean at all.

And to repeat what others have said: it's up to you to decide what you're going to do with this newfound information.

Best of luck!
cephalopod gal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 05:30 PM   #11
Rosebud
 
Justwant2Bhealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 6,944

S/C/G: 30/Goal Met:L-XL/relosing some

Default

HONEY, this situation isn't about jealousy; it's about loyalty and trust! He has no business emailing a single girl behind your back (she's just dating). If they aren't talking business, then it's personal. He initiated the contact again, and then asks her out for lunch!!! That's a date, hon ...

When you are in the situation, it is so hurtful; it's time to have a serious chat with your partner. My mother would say, 'It's time to tittle or get off the pot!' This means either he's in this relationship with you or he's not: sorry, but this will only get worse from here, unless you deal with it now!

PS. in a committed relationship, there is no secrecy; even in emails!

ROSEBUD
__________________
ONE-STEP-AT-A-TIME PHIL 4:13 " I CAN "
YA GOTTA HAVE FAITH KEEP ON, KEEPIN' ON
= 10 lbs ...
115 lbs + 16 Single Sizes Gone Forever! -- 100 lb tumor = ONEDERLAND!
Progress Pics: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/look...ml#post4361876

Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy : 03-28-2008 at 05:42 PM.
Justwant2Bhealthy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 06:18 PM   #12
Senior Member
 
Get n healthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: South east
Posts: 974

S/C/G: Slow but steady

Height: 5' 11"

Default

I have dated guys like this...and it all ended up BAD BAD BAD. They will make excuses for their behavior, blah blah blah...long story short...He is a player and he is not putting you first and that is unacceptable. Dr. PHil once said, "people will only treat you as badly as you allow them to"...that was a lightbulb moment for my life.
__________________
Stacy - I may not be able to lose 100 pounds, but I can lose 10 pounds 10 times!

Get n healthy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 06:38 PM   #13
~Don't Postpone Joy~
 
Sweetcaroline's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 1,801

S/C/G: 241.8/228/199.0

Default

Hi, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but.... if this is the stuff you know about... what the heck is going on that you are unaware of ?? I've been hurt by guys like this because I couldn't bear the thought of what I would do without him... I thought it was jealously too, and I was sneaking around looking in his gym bag, wallet, phone etc... I realized one day, that I wasn't looking for 'proof' that he was cheating, I was looking for 'proof' that he wasn't, my stomach twisted around for a month and when I finally listened to my gut, I didn't have a choice, I was outta there ... I hope everything works out in your best interest...
__________________
.
.

~ Caroline~
..
.
.

~Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change~

~If it is important to you, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse~

~Progress Not Perfection~

~To My Tuxedo Boys, Your Paws Have Left Prints On My Heart Forever~

Last edited by Sweetcaroline : 03-28-2008 at 06:40 PM.
Sweetcaroline is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-28-2008, 08:19 PM   #14
Senior Member
 
IrishJoan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 804

S/C/G: 237/237/175

Height: 5'8"

Default

Ditto... I agree with all of the above. It's too bad that you've invested in a house together but sure better than a child together. I don't mean to be so blunt either but looking for signs of unfaithfullness is no way to live. You deserve so much more ~ Joan
__________________


IrishJoan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2008, 01:47 PM   #15
McLovin' *TBL Red Team*
 
xGurlyGrlx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 590

Default

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I wasn't able to confront him the night I found out because he was already sleeping. It look everything in me not to wake him up. We talked about it last night. I started out by saying one of my good male friends was having problems with his fiance and pretty much said the same thing that was happening with us. I asked him if he thought it was wrong and he said yes. I then asked him then why are you doing it to me. I told him I found the email and read the others. He didn't have an issue with it - as he gives me his passwords anyway. He said she contacted him first, which is true. That he just missed having her as a friend and they were only emailing to see how each other were doing. Sounds like a load of crap but I can kind of feel for him because he did move to a new state with me and he doesn't really have any friends. He promised he didn't have lunch with her...which I believe because she did move about an hour and a half away. He is with me all the time...so I am pretty sure he didn't go. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. My gut says he would never cheat on me...but then again, I don't want to be the naive girlfriend completely shocked when something blatantly obvious appears. I guess I just need some time to figure it all out. Thanks again everyone for your comments and support!

Oh and Jen - I am 24. I have been dating him since I was 17 and we have been living together for the last 3 years.
xGurlyGrlx is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Posts by members, moderators and admins are not considered medical advice
and no guarantee is made against accuracy.


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:54 PM.






Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2