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VERY O/T - Am I wrong??

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Old 03-28-2008, 03:30 PM   #1
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Default VERY O/T - Am I wrong??

Hello Everyone.
This will probably be my most personal post to date. I need some opinions.
My bf and I have been together for almost 7 years - on and off. During our "off" time, we both were seeing other people. He was also attracted to a women that he worked with - not in the same office though. They would email all the time and she supposedly was engaged. We ended up working out our issues and got back together and bought a house together. I found out about 8 months ago that she would randomly text message him at 1am about her evening and being "so drunk." I told him I didn't think it was appropriate for her to be texting him so late. I also told him I didn't like him talking to her because he was attracted to her and trying to date her while we were separated, however, I did understand that a certain amount of communication was necessary due to them working together. I asked that he keep it to business only. He said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. They both are no longer working in the business and don't need to talk anymore regarding business. I thought the issue was resolved. Come to find out last night, he left his computer up and I happened to see an email from her. Apparently they have been emailing since Jan. of this year. He even emailed her to wish her a Happy Easter and suggesting lunch. I am very annoyed considering he knows this upsets me. Am I wrong to feel he shouldn't have communication with this girl? It's not that I am some super jealous person and don't want him having any female friends. I just don't like THIS particular female friend due to him wanting to date her. Am I being too sensitive? Am I wrong? Please share opinion. Thanks!!
Also - found out she is not engaged. She is dating someone new now. Her emails are very flirty also - talking about her new bikini's and so on.
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Old 03-28-2008, 03:38 PM   #2
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I don't know how old you are, but here is my nearly 43-year-old take on it.....

The main issue here is not that he is talking to her, but that he is lying to you about it. Dishonesty will wreck any relationship faster than anything. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust.

That being said....is him talking to her REALLY a deal breaker for you? Only you can answer that.
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Old 03-28-2008, 03:51 PM   #3
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He's trolling for somebody different. He's a liar and eventually, if not already, will be a cheater. If that's what you can handle in a relationship then fine. If not, move on and stop wasting time on this guy.

He's encouraging drunk flirty e-mails from another woman. What else is there to say?

There really are some tremendous men out there. You need to find one and this one isn't it.

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Old 03-28-2008, 04:07 PM   #4
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You didn't say what his response to this was. I wouldn't be happy either. The fact that he is doing it behind your back is what bothers me the most.

He has said he wouldn't talk to her, but he went out of his way to wish her a Happy Easter and invited her to lunch. You know that he wouldn't have told you about the lunch if they had gone.

I usually follow my gut...what does your gut say?

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Old 03-28-2008, 04:28 PM   #5
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Yes, he was wrong. Your request that he have no more personal contact was a very reasonable request given their history together. Not only did he continue this contact and initiated some of it himself, he also broke a promise to you and hid it from you. This is behaviour that you don't want to accept...ever...as it is a major indicator of what kind of future you two would have. IMO, its time to call it quits on this one and move on to better.
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:36 PM   #6
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I agree with all of the above. In addition, I would like to add that my husband and I truly are BEST friends. Your BF should be more loyal to you than anyone (except his MOM) is you are to have a future. (Once the ring is on, Mom moves to #2!)!
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:54 PM   #7
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I have to agree, the dishonesty is the main problem. And I guess, for me, if my live-in boyfriend WANTED to have a "close" relationship with another female, that would be a problem for ME. But I know other couples who are mroe open about that kind of thing.

A good heart to heart is in order. If he loves you and respects your feelings on this then he will at least cut back on the other relationship (not by hiding it from you but by really cutting it back). Good luck!
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:55 PM   #8
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It's true there is absolutely no excuse for this sort of behavior, but if you really love him and want to work on a future together, it's very important to sit down and figure out what he thinks he's not getting in your relationship - what is he seeking from outside it? If it's just a chance for fresh nooky (apologies, couldn't think of a nicer way to say it) - that's a pretty big problem that might be difficult to resolve. If he just misses flirting and feeling witty and special (all that "new date" excitement) - that is something that you guys can work on together to strengthen your relationship.

The lying and sneaking around has to stop though!
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Old 03-28-2008, 05:10 PM   #9
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Oh yeah - there is nothing innocent about drunken text messages and flirty "bikini talk" emails. The fact that he is hiding it from you pretty much nails that. I wouldn't really call them "friends" either...
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Old 03-28-2008, 05:22 PM   #10
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Well, I won't hesitate to admit that I am a very jealous person (working on it!) but even this takes the cake.

Blatantly lying about these things is just a no. If they had been BFFs before you ever stepped into the picture and their feelings were platonic at most, then I'd say your request was a bit off, but given the history that the two of them had, I think you're right on.

However, I must point out one thing: asking for his honesty means you being honest as well. That means admitting to reading his emails, which he may turn around and call you a "snoop" for doing, and you wouldn't even have found out if it wouldn't have happened, etc etc etc. But still, honesty is honesty, and if he's coming clean, you should too. If he even comes clean at all.

And to repeat what others have said: it's up to you to decide what you're going to do with this newfound information.

Best of luck!
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Old 03-28-2008, 05:30 PM   #11
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HONEY, this situation isn't about jealousy; it's about loyalty and trust! He has no business emailing a single girl behind your back (she's just dating). If they aren't talking business, then it's personal. He initiated the contact again, and then asks her out for lunch!!! That's a date, hon ...

When you are in the situation, it is so hurtful; it's time to have a serious chat with your partner. My mother would say, 'It's time to tittle or get off the pot!' This means either he's in this relationship with you or he's not: sorry, but this will only get worse from here, unless you deal with it now!

PS. in a committed relationship, there is no secrecy; even in emails!

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Old 03-28-2008, 06:18 PM   #12
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I have dated guys like this...and it all ended up BAD BAD BAD. They will make excuses for their behavior, blah blah blah...long story short...He is a player and he is not putting you first and that is unacceptable. Dr. PHil once said, "people will only treat you as badly as you allow them to"...that was a lightbulb moment for my life.
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Old 03-28-2008, 06:38 PM   #13
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Hi, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but.... if this is the stuff you know about... what the heck is going on that you are unaware of ?? I've been hurt by guys like this because I couldn't bear the thought of what I would do without him... I thought it was jealously too, and I was sneaking around looking in his gym bag, wallet, phone etc... I realized one day, that I wasn't looking for 'proof' that he was cheating, I was looking for 'proof' that he wasn't, my stomach twisted around for a month and when I finally listened to my gut, I didn't have a choice, I was outta there ... I hope everything works out in your best interest...

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Old 03-28-2008, 08:19 PM   #14
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Ditto... I agree with all of the above. It's too bad that you've invested in a house together but sure better than a child together. I don't mean to be so blunt either but looking for signs of unfaithfullness is no way to live. You deserve so much more ~ Joan

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Old 03-29-2008, 01:47 PM   #15
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Thanks everyone for your opinions. I wasn't able to confront him the night I found out because he was already sleeping. It look everything in me not to wake him up. We talked about it last night. I started out by saying one of my good male friends was having problems with his fiance and pretty much said the same thing that was happening with us. I asked him if he thought it was wrong and he said yes. I then asked him then why are you doing it to me. I told him I found the email and read the others. He didn't have an issue with it - as he gives me his passwords anyway. He said she contacted him first, which is true. That he just missed having her as a friend and they were only emailing to see how each other were doing. Sounds like a load of crap but I can kind of feel for him because he did move to a new state with me and he doesn't really have any friends. He promised he didn't have lunch with her...which I believe because she did move about an hour and a half away. He is with me all the time...so I am pretty sure he didn't go. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. My gut says he would never cheat on me...but then again, I don't want to be the naive girlfriend completely shocked when something blatantly obvious appears. I guess I just need some time to figure it all out. Thanks again everyone for your comments and support!

Oh and Jen - I am 24. I have been dating him since I was 17 and we have been living together for the last 3 years.
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