I am coming to the one place I can rant, so here I am. James weighs more than me okay, he is 265 and holding, and he has always been this weight. And in the three years we have been together, he always shows a love for his fat.... like, he will caress his belly and say "oh my fat is so hungry, I think it needs some taco bell ohhhhhh" and he smiles, and then goes out for junk food. Or he'll say stuff like "oh my belly, it needs it, more fat, gotta have it, ohhh here I come baby". ARGH. He totally supports me, and that's fine, but as for him he'd just assume stay fat and happy, in his words. He says he's trying to lose weight, and I say "okay in that case, what did you have for lunch today???" and of course he always says "Mcdonald's" or "Taco Bell" or "KFC". I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired that he cares NOTHING about his health. He is the epitame of a walking heart attack. He has no neck at all, because it's covered in fat (which is probably causing his airway to cut off at night and why he snores so loudly), he carries all his weight in front, which is the prime area for heart issues, and get this: he even was told by a doctor that he has bone spurs and atrophied muscles and the beginnings of arthritis and that he might even need back surgery...all because of this huge fat he carries around. He had to go to physical therapy for almost 6 months because of the pain. And he was so motivated back then, sitting there with his little machine that has those sticky discs you put on your skin to get electrical shocks to treat his back pain, he was so motivated. Now? Forget about it. And we are engaged, and I'm sitting here thinking to myself, am I really strong enough to endure all the medical problems he's gonna have, which has already started, due to his weight? Possible heart issues, and all the while he is in love iwth his fat? Oh boy I am so messed up right now. We are so opposite....I'm so gung ho about this, and he is so not gung ho. Oh what am I to do, I feel so helpless. And unsure. And angry at him for not wanting to take care of his health. His chiropractor told him if he does not lose weight he will need back surgery. He also works on computers for a living, and if the artritis gets worse, he won't be able to do his job. Why is he so casual about all this??? With all the danger signs and stuff he's already experiencing as a direct result of his weight, why??? I really need to know how in the world I can deal with this.... do any of you have this issue? Gotta go he's back from the store...please help!
I can kind of sympathise, because my SO is the same in a lot of ways. He's not suffering those kinds of health problems, but he's overweight and while he doesn't like being overweight, he still has lunch at Taco Bell or Arbys or wherever every day. It's annoying.
OTOH, I'll tell you the same thing I tell myself: this is the way he was when I met him, it's the way he was when I decided to marry him, and if I can't/couldn't live with it, I needed ot have decided that then.
Yes, it's frustrating when you're gung-ho about something and he's not, but bottom line is that he has to decide for himself to change and maybe he won't ever. Which sucks, to be honest and blunt, but there you have it.
I would never advise anyone to begin or end a relationship ... but I would say that you need to think long and hard about whether or not this is a relationshop you're willnig to commit the rest of your life to, given your current frustrations. If you're frustrated with it now, it will only get worse in the future. And if you are resentful when he does have health issues that impact you, it will be the death of your marriage (been there, done that, in a slightly separate type of health issue).
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's frustrating and hurtful.
txang: I say ditto. Photo chick has it right on the button. My dad has been obese forever and my mom gets so frustrated with him. He's got diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and nearly died of both cancer and pneumonia (keep in mind he is only 62). He refuses to change his diet. All of his kids and my mom support him and he still won't change. Even when he says he is dieting we find candy wrappers in his car and junk food stashed in his office. I wish so badly he would take care of himself more, as I want him to be around to meet his grandkids...but the reality is he has got to change for himself. And like you DF, my dad just ignores all the red flags. When death was on his door he changed his ways for a few months, but he goes right back to his old ways...I'm so sorry for you. If you love him enough to go through this the rest of your life, then absolutely do it. But if not, I have to tell you, things are unlikely to change....
I empathize with much of what you said, but due only to similar experiences from my last relationship. When reading what you wrote I saw what appeared to be red flags. Might not be. Just wondering.
Please re-read your post as if it was your daughter, sister or mother that wrote it. Now, what would YOU tell THEM?
Is this the kind of future you would wish for them? Aren't you equally wonderful?
I ignored the red flags I saw a few years ago....married my fiance' and we divorced within a year. Why? Because everything only got worse; I became more bitter, resentful, lonely, scared, frustrated and yes, even FAT being with him. I gained 42 pounds and discovered that year that my preconceptions of wives being lazy and letting themselves go because of the security of having married a man, were possibly wrong. There are women out there that gained weight instead not out of a sense of security, but out of marital disappointment.
According to a wonderful counselor I saw, I ate the anger I had at my husband, and worse, anger I had at myself for marrying him believing him when he (my husband) said things would get BETTER in marriage. He was wrong. He started taking cholesterol meds, which ruined sex and STILL slathered mayonnaise on everything. Even on his mashed potatoes and butter. He ate so much grease, that his skin was greasy. He started getting cellulite on his back. A typical meal was two 1/2 pound hamburgers buried in bacon, cheese and mayo.
But he did take his high cholesterol pills daily.
Eventually, I had to leave him, for ME to be healthy.
You and your fiance are not me and my exhusband.
Every situation is different.
All I am saying, is step back and listen to what you wrote. Be honest with YOU. Are the issues you listed above what you want a year from now? Five years from now? Ten? Odds are he won't change his lifestyle and eating habits for life. He might feign the motions for you, but that is non-lasting. You can't go into a marriage loving who he will become. He is today, who he will most likely be tomorrow. Sometimes, people even get worse in marriage.
Then again, maybe you CAN accept that and love him unconditionally and your post above is just a harmless vent. In which case, vent away! We are behind you either way.
oh thats hard! i dont think im wise enough to spew out any sort of advice but i just keep thinking that if he is gonna marry you and then die in a few years without thinking of how that will impact you...its kinda selfish.
i know thats what motivated me to start losing weight and getting healthy. me and my girl want to have kids, and i have to get healthy and fit so i can be around to help out down the road. thats commitment to me! (not that it easy! lol)
but maybe he shows his commitment in other ways? and you are just venting?
good luck, and im glad you are taking care of yourself!
Having a bad day on a diet and giving up is liking saying "I tripped on a stair, I might as well just throw myself down the rest of them".
Last edited by math puppy : 01-17-2008 at 11:51 PM.
This board is my private place, but I had boobalah read your post.
I have tears in my eyes for you, photo and wish and anyone else who posts before I'm done typing.
I have to tell you that boobalah's response was that you should leave him. That was my first response as well. Then we sat down and talked about us. I brought up him telling me that he wasn't happy with my weight in 2001. We were separated then because I kicked him out for something else that isn't important to this. I brought up that I lost weight when we were separated. He knew it. I brought up that last year when I started being serious about this and his non-support. He's admitted that he wasn't supportive. It took my comments in front of people who'd noticed my weight loss. I commented that I am doing it on my own and not getting support at home. When I made that comment in front of his brother it got some looks and I have a BIG feeling that it got a private conversation as well. His brother had gone on South Beach and his wife went on it with him in support. I think boobalah was shamed.
Holli, you are working so hard for yourself and your health. He obviously doesn't care about his health. He doesn't care about your heart! You are in love with him. He was this way before you embarked on your weight loss journey. Have you spoken with any of his family about his attitude? Is it something they all share? If it is, then do yourself a favor, albeit one of the hardest things you'll do in your life, and confront him.
Confront him and ask that he try changing for YOU! Tell him your concerns for his health and wellbeing. You are concerned that he won't be around for any children that you may have, if you are planning kids.
How old are you two?
Have you invited him to join you in your exercise? I know that is your private time. It is mine as well, but boobalah wanted to join me and we were working out until he got sick.
My heart goes out to you.
love n kisses,
Life does not happen in a vacuum. Lifestyle changes must transcend habits and routines. - thanks midwife.
Weight loss isn't linear and the body doesn't have a timetable. - thanks Glory87.
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
Oh such fast responses..thank you all so much, you guys always come galloping to my rescue. I am alone again, I had James go get some breathe right strips for hopefully a quieter night tonight, so when he came home I had to bail. He's in the garage now with Corey so I should be okay for a bit....
A lot has happened since I posted. When he wasn't looking I snuck peeks at your responses, and I somehow through your words found the strength to put my foot down. I've said stuff before, but I never went through the risks like you suggested so that's what I did. Oh BTW James just turned 30 and I am 32 yrs old.
When he walked up to me he, like always, could tell something was really wrong. I don't know how in the world I kept my tears in, but I did. I told him "What is bothering me, is I really don't know if I'm ready to just sit back and watch you jeopardize yourself. You promised me you would stop loving on your fat, and you broke that. You told me before you would do this with me and you broke that. You continue to have a blatant disregard for your health, you think this is all some joke, and when I address you about your weight you laugh in my face. This is not funny, and I am not laughing. If you love me as much as you say you do, then why in the world are you asking me to spend the rest of my life watching you die a slow death, watching you suffer through more medical problems, maybe even a heart attack. My grandfather had to have a quadruple bypass, and he STILL died from his diet, and he had the same exact shape as you do. And you are gonna make me relive all that all over again, and yet you love me?? That is not love. I cannot believe that you would subject me, or yourself for that matter, to even the remote possibility of that. Do you realize that you could have a heart attack at any moment? You could have one right now! The risk factor for belly fat in men for a heart attack is a waist circumference of 40 inches, and yours is 54!!!! I am tired of your excuses, I am tired of watching you sabotage your own health, I am tired of being sucked into all the pain and sadness of seeing your health go down the tubes, I am tired of trying to help you and you ignoring me and I am tired of my pleas for you to get on track falling on deaf ears." At this point, James said "well I will just have gastric bypass surgery". And I said "NO! You really will be on a strict diet then cause everything you eat needs to provide your body with the nutrients it needs to survive, so if you think that's a quick fix and replaces eating healthier and exercising you are sorely mistaken. Look I have lost 6 1/2 pounds in the last ten days, how much have you lost? I have eaten breakfast every single day, how many times do you take time to have breakfast? I never skip meals and I am going on two flawless weeks on being on plan, can you say that? I am here for you, and I will help you in any way that I can, but you have got to help yourself. And I mean now, not tomorrow, not later, not 'do this for a week then get off', NOW. Because how can I be asked to spend the rest of my life with you when I am seriously doubting the length of your life in the shape you're in? You had so much motivation when you were going to physical therapy, what happened?? Why did you lose it?" And James said, with his head down, "I don't know." in a low voice. I finished up by saying, "What is it gonna take? What has to happen before you get serious about this and stop playing around? A stroke? A heart attack? Surgery? Do you really want to play russian roulette here, and wait til it is too late before you decide to do something?" And that was the kicker... his head was totally down at this point, face was fallen, I could tell he was really convicted by what I said, and he finally looked up and said "so I have to diet and exercise, right" and of course I said "yes. And if that doesn't work, your doctor can give you something to help you if you need help. but you need to try to make this happen first." We really didn't have an ending, he got sidetracked and I figured he needs time to soak in this reality shock. So sorry for the long reply, I can't believe I remember so much of that convo anyway....did I do okay? I mean, I know I can't force him, you have to do it for you, but I needed to make him realize the truth here...I didn't yell at all, in fact I was seated, and spoke calmly but firmly.... thoughts?
Holli's Mini goal
Holli's BIG Picture
Last edited by txangelgirl : 01-18-2008 at 12:18 AM.
Sorry for unanswered questions too, had to dash for a minute...Photochick we haven't even started planning our wedding cause we just moved here a couple months ago due to being robbed, so that kinda threw things off a bit. So basically we have time, er- I - have time to see how things play out. Our wedding is at least a year away, if not a year and a half.
Angela: yes mam that is such a harsh reality, and if I wanted fairytales I'd go somewhere else. I know here I will get blunt honesty from you girls, and exactly what keeps me here. I admit I have to do some serious thinking on that area, but I also told him tonight, implied more rather, that for us to be together he has got to change his evil ways. Of course I will give him a chance, I love him with all of my heart, but time is the best teacher of all, and if it turns out that he doesn't change, I will likely have an even bigger decision on my heart.
Leia: you nailed it...I am so torn right now, so I keep telling myself I don't have to decide right this second, but at the same time I do know that something has got to happen.
Renee: yeah James like I mentioned is extremely supportive of me. He loves my pageant picture (I was 124 lbs when I won that) and always says he is happy I am making an effort to get there again. Its funny... James says all the time that he wants me to be happy, no matter what, and that he will do anything to make me happy, and yet I'm in such anguish over this. But when it comes to him and his efforts, its totally the opposite with him; he wants his fat fix.
Mare: yes I have invited James to exercise with me, and he has only done it once. All the other times he turns his back to me and plays Battlefield. He said he didn't like doing a dvd, so he might walk outside. Except of course, it's cold, and dark when he gets home...we'll see how long that lasts..
I really hope I did okay... you all are so sweet for helping me
Holli's Mini goal
Holli's BIG Picture
Last edited by txangelgirl : 01-18-2008 at 12:42 AM.
I just have a few seconds, but I want to add something quickly. My husband and I both have weight issues, and his affects his health pretty drastically. I'm scared for him, and it is difficult dealing with the crises that occur because he doesn't take care of it. But he understands the health risks thoroughly, and doesn't need me to enlighten him.
Plus - I feel way too hypocritical to judge him. Yes - I am motivated right now to do something about my weight. Yes - I have finally been having success in finally getting this issue under control. But there was a long time when I really wanted to be thinner and, for whatever reason, couldn't control my eating and exercise habits enough to make it happen. And I also recognize that I have not yet found the magic pill. It's a struggle every day. I realize that there's a chance that I will lapse into my old ways. I know the health risks, but I also know that losing weight and maintaining weight loss is HARD. I do not want a lecture from him every time I make a less-than-perfect food or exercise choice.
My husband is a good, good man, and this is his (and subsequently my) challenge. I will help and support him all I can, but I can't fix this for him. I also realize that he can consume a lot more calories than I can and still lose weight. There are so many different plans that have worked for different people that I will not try to force mine on him. He is actually in a phase where he is losing weight (two weeks and counting!). His plan includes occasional candy bars and fast food. I'm a bit jealous, but I'm also really happy that he's making progress.
It just seems to me that you'll both be happier and more relaxed if you can give him a little space. Make helpful suggestions, make healthy meals, invite him for walks with you, etc. But I know that for me, recrimination and feelings of worthlessness have never been good allies for weight loss.
Good luck. It is a tough situation.
Biggest Loser Challenge - 12/29 - 03/16
Trainer boy challenge #3 (11/11-12/11):
Not successful. =(
(Trainer boy challenge #1 completed 09/11 - down 23.2 pounds - starting weight 239.8) (Trainer boy challenge #2 completed 11/11 - down 23.4 pounds - starting weight 216.6)
This is difficult.... I suppose you have to decide what's more important. Sure, you could give him ultimatums, but that just might make him resentful in the end. And, yes, you are thinking of his health, but if someone were to say the same things to you would it motivate you?
Wanting to change comes from within. Expecting someone else to change for you, even if it's something that would benefit them in the end... you may be setting yourself up for some dissappointment.
Whether or not to stay with him? I can't say. I'm not you, and I don't know your limits in as far as relationships go. That answer, similar to the decision to change, has to come from within.
I think this may be something that both of you need to work on together. My husband is skinny but if he told me he had KFC, Mcdonalds, Taco Bell, etc for lunch, I wouldn't be happy.
Do you make your lunches? Is it possible to make his lunch as well? Does he take lunches with him that he doesn't eat and opt for eating out?
I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, planning, etc. I buy lots of fruits and vegetables and other healthy whole foods items. I make my lunch and my husbands lunch every night. It doesn't take much time to make his lunch since I'm already doing mine. My husband eats out for lunch probably once a month. We go out to eat once a week.
When I started making healthier lunches for myself and him, he lost 15 lbs without really trying. His doctor even told him not to lose any more weight but as I said, he wasn't trying to lose weight, he was just eating what I fed him.
You could also look at ways for both of you to become more active. Taking walks together. Doing some outdoor activities together. Perhaps even joining a gym together.
I do wish you luck and I know its difficult. You can give him some assistance but you can't be his crutch if he doesn't want to do it, he won't.
You can't out-exercise poor eating habits.
I think it's great that women want to take care of their husbands, but I really wonder how far someone is supposed to go with that. I personally wouldn't make anyone else's lunch, unless half the time they were making mine.
txangelgirl, this may sound harsh, but do you really want to be his "mother"? I'm sorry to say that his behavior sounds like he's just a great big kid. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. You are likely to find that once you're married, he'll resent your attempts to control him. Is this the life you envision?
__________________ "My religion is kindness." --His Holiness the Dalai Lama
I really don't consider it "taking care of my husband" but rather we take care of eachother. I do things that I like to do and also help me with my weight loss. It takes a few seconds longer to make my husbands lunch than it does to make mine and I wouldn't want him making my lunch. It is what I consider a partnership in that he does various things that I really want nothing to do with while I do things that I want to do.
I can think of a great example of a weight loss duo where one person took the initiative and the other followed. Mandalinn and her partner where she started and her partner followed although they were in it together. They've both had great success.
You can't out-exercise poor eating habits.
Marriage is tough. Losing weight and maintaining that loss is tough. Things are so much easier when you have a partner that is willing to work with you. Trying to be the strong one and make James do this will wear you down. You will end up resenting each other in the long run. IMHO, if James doesn't show a 100% honest effort to get his health under control...and maintain that effort for a while, I wouldn't committ to marriage with him. What is difficult now, will get even more difficult down the road.
__________________ - Rhonda
"Live the life you've always imagined." Henry David Thoreau
IMHO it sounds like he may be afraid to try and lose weight and his "fat love" is the laughter to cover up the pain. I agree with all the ones that if he doesn't want to change he won't. It has to be something he wants to do for himself, not for you or anyone else but for himself. Until he can reach that point, there will be resentment coming up.
I think you were given great advice about planning out meals for the two of you and asking if he'd like to join you in exercise but I wouldn't push anything on him.
My DH is also obese and now weighs more than he ever has. I know that when he is ready, he will make the move to start losing weight. His problem is he thinks he needs to join a gym and lift weights to lose weight and doesn't think walking or other basic exercises could help him. So I don't push. When he's ready, he'll let me know.