I'm sure that least a few of you have noticed my absence from the forum over the several weeks, and I wanted to sort of address that.
Sometimes life has a way of kicking you down when you'd just finally gotten yourself back up where you wanted to be. Things were going smoothly, and then I got a phone call from my grandmother in the middle of the night. My grandfather, who will be 80 later this month, had a heart attack in the shower, which resulted in a fall, breaking his neck and his knee.
He was Care-Flighted to a bigger hospital, and he almost didn't survive the ride. After open-heart surgery and a Pace-Maker, they had to address the issue of the neck and knee injuries. Now, my grandmother had a botched knee replacement about 10 years ago, and isn't in the best health either. They are both very overweight, and have other health problems.
My grandmother couldn't really handle him by herself, so that left me to pick up some of the slack. Now, I love my grandfather dearly, but driving 35 miles one direction before having to turn around and drive 2 hours the OTHER direction to get to class 2 days a week really took a toll on me, as it would most people.
An addiction that I thought I had under control reared it's ugly head, and it was a battle to keep myself from just giving in and taking the easy way out. I can admit openly now that is has been 378 since my last line of cocaine.
On my one-year anniversary, I broke down and got a tattoo to commemorate where I've been over the past year. When I was in rehab, we were allowed to choose ONE song and only one song to listen to, and it was what they dubbed our rehab song. Mine was "Walk on Water or Drown" by Mayday Parade, and there is a line in the song that I now try to live by; "tell me goodnight and let it go."
Sometimes, we just have to put things to bed, tell them goodnight and let them go; whether it's forever or just until we're at a better place to address them, it's something I live by now. And those lyrics are now etched into my skin forever.
I'm sure some of you remember my post in which I was very down because I had the opportunity to go and see Mayday Parade live, but I backed down because I didn't want to be "the fat girl". On December 1st, I saw them live, and met the band afterwards. Showed them my tattoo, got autographs and pictures, hung out with them for over 2 hours, and it was something that will stick with me for a long time.
I've made a lot of decisions in the past month or so, one of the biggest being to put college on hold temporarily to pursue other avenues. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be in the music industry, and now I feel like I need to pursue it while I have the chance. Whether it's PR or booking or just running a merch stand, it's what I feel like I NEED to do right now.
This isn't about a number or a size anymore; this is about life, the one I have now and the one I will have after all is said and done. I don't want to have the perfect body, I just want to be healthy and happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how much weight I've put back on, and honestly, I don't really care to know. From this point forward, it's not about calories or carbs, not for the moment, at least. It's about better choices, about one meal being better than the last, about today being better than yesterday, and tomorrow being better than today.
Before, I was the same person trying to make changes; now, I'm a different, changed person who is starting life over again, with a clean slate and a clear head.
I'm not back because I need to be; I'm back because I want to be, and that's one of the things I think has changed the most. I'm back here because, even though I was only here a short time, I consider you guys my second family, and I look forward to and cherish all of the encouragement and help you beautiful people have to give.
I'm back because I want to do this, for myself, for my future husband who I haven't even met yet, for the children I always thought I never wanted but now have maybe changed my mind about.
I'm back because I want a better life, and I won't let anything stand in my way.