I have been doing fairly well with my progress so far. I'm down 21.5 lbs in 2 months (of course, most of it happened in the first month), I had a setback for a few weeks but now I'm getting back on track...
and yesterday I did a lot of self-evaluating. I guess sometimes I just try to ignore it because not everything is "OKAY" and I am chief of letting uncomfortable thoughts set aside for an indefinite amount of time. That's part of the reason why I gained all of this weight in the first place. I never have been a yo-yo dieter. I never tried any diet fads. I never lost a significant amount of weight and then regained it all back and then some. I have just been at a steady increase. I NEVER TRIED. My version of trying was getting on the exercise bike for 15 minutes two days in a row and then not touching it for months. And going on a diet? Psh. Yeah right. Maybe I was just afraid of failing, but I mostly just ignored it. I ignored my expanding waistline, and if I ever did think about it I would get severely depressed, which only compounded on the problem.
I'd like to think that I'm maturing, and that's why I'm able to face the fact that I am incredibly fat every day, and make a conscious effort to do what I can to REVERSE it. That is why I am able to stick to my plan this time... the fact that I even MADE a plan in the first place.
But old habits die hard. This became very evident to me last night. One look around my room and it's a complete disaster. I may spend one day completely cleaning my room but less than a week later it's a mess again. I look at it and I think, "Man, I should really clean that up but I just don't feel like it." I am totally lazy. I am glued to this computer all day, and anything else that I do is "disruptive." It's fine that I need to use the computer to work, it's my job, but there is just so much to do here that it just sucks me in for the whole day, and it's easy to do because it does not require much effort. I just have to sit and move my fingers. Maybe it is better than watching TV, but that's definitely something I don't need to do (and I rarely do at that). I need to be more ACTIVE... and not just exercising, but doing every day things, like doing a little house work every day/every week rather than letting it turn to chaos before I do anything about it.
All of this really depresses me, because I don't want to live like this. I am making a life change, but I don't think I really realized that it was going to change EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, the change is not what I'm upset about. I'm upset because this is HARD. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, and I just feel like I am becoming completely undone.
That, and the fact that I spent a good amount of time yesterday researching some symptoms I have and found a whole slew of serious medical conditions I may have or get soon. The solutions to these things are losing weight, eating healthier and exercising, which I am doing, but the severity of these issues REALLY sunk in yesterday. Yeah yeah yeah, I always knew it was bad... but I didn't think much of it. It did scare me, but I will store this nugget of information in my mind and use it as more inspiration to stay the course, to close this chapter in my life and do what I can to improve.
I don't necessarily mean for this to be a negative thread, but I'm just trying to find hope in all of this. Hope that I can be a better person in better health. Hope that I don't have to be lazy if I just GET UP AND DO SOMETHING and find ways to cut my computer time. As much as I love the computer, it's just a distraction from LIFE, it's something I've done since I was 12 years old, and to be honest, it's another good reason why I'm overweight. All of the things I enjoy doing either involve the computer, or drawing/painting, jewelry making, and various other crafts. All of these things do not require a lot of activity. It's fine to enjoy these things, but to let them aid in my ruin is not an option. This isn't just about losing weight. This is about EVERYTHING. It's facing everything I hate about myself, which is pretty depressing, man.
FOR THOSE who are of the praying sort, a quick prayer my way would be helpful. I feel so disconnected from God right now, and I just feel like my whole life is just made up in my head and things are so much worse than I thought they were. Seeing what's really there and FACING it is very painful.