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Shouldn't I be happier?

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Old 09-29-2007, 11:14 PM   #1
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Default Shouldn't I be happier?

Today I went to a local Octoberfest celebration. I was sitting on a park bench facing a large window and I saw my reflection. I look different. Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in the same place...and after seeing my reflection at that time, I was disgusted with myself.

Shouldn't I be happier that I look so much smaller?

When I got home, I decided to try on two sweaters that my friend's mom had given me last year (which were WAY too small a year ago). I tried them on...and they fit perfectly. Shouldn't I be happier about this too?

My mom has not said much about my weight loss. My sister had gastric bypass surgery, and my mother praises her weight loss. It is basically all that she talks about when I call her. Yet, I did this totally on my own, and my mother still makes remarks about my weight...that I wear "chubby sizes", and that I am just as large as this person or that person, that I have the same belly as my father, etc. She says these things in a playful manner, but it bothers me because I have tried SOOOO hard at this.

My mother is overweight, but not obese. However, deep down I do not think that she wants both my sister AND me to lose weight. I think that she wants at least one of her 3 daughters to weigh more than her...as strange as this sounds. It is hurtful, and I am just trying to understand her.

I would just like her to tell me that I look nice and that she has seen progress. My boyfriend does not seem to want me to lose weight (he is a bigger guy) so this doesn't help matters either. Luckily other people in my life are supportive...but I still feel like I am being compared to my sister at times.

I can not compete with someone who had gastric bypass. I see it as impossible. I want to do this on my own, but I feel like I need the support of those who I care about the most.

I do not mean to sit here and vent, but it just feels better to type it for some reason! I am sure that other people have experienced issues with mothers (or someone else) pretending either not to notice, or just simply not being supportive.
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Old 09-29-2007, 11:26 PM   #2
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starzzy....
I am sorry your mom is making you feel this way I can't say I have the same experience with my parents because they have both been doing Weight Watchers for about 3 years now and are very good at celebrating my successes and asking how I am doing every week.
However, in regards to the bf...my bf is very thin without trying and when i first made the commitment to start losing weight he made a lot of comments about how he loves my body just the way it is and how he doesnt want me to lose weight and how I didn't need to...blah blah. All of his negative comments towards weight loss really discouraged me so i decided to sit down and have a talk with him about it. I explained to him that i wasnt doing this for him or anything else, but that i wasnt happy with myself and didnt he want me to be happy? He was shocked that it had hurt me when he was really just trying to get across to me that he loved me and thought i was beautiful just the way i was. Now he is very supportive and helps me think up new recipes for dinner each night.
Do you think you could sit down and have a serious conversation with your mom or boyfriend about this (dont know if u have yet or not...)
Since you said that your bf is a bigger guy, it could be that he is worried that if you become slim you will not want him but want a thinner guy to go with your new body. Is there any way you can convey to him that this is not the case?
Good luck, i know how hard this can be without the support of loved ones!
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Old 09-29-2007, 11:58 PM   #3
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First of all, you have done an amazing job so far. (Whewt, you!) Regardless of what anyone else is saying I hope you can take a deep breath and realize that you're doing this for yourself, and that you're doing it well

About the boyfriend, I agree with lmills. It's most likely that he's a little scared that you'll either want him to lose weight for you, or that you'll start looking around for someone thinner. It's a good idea to have a straightforward talk with him to reassure him that you are losing weight for yourself, not to hurt or abandon him. Then you tell him that it hurts and discourages you when you don't feel that he is supporting you in your weight loss.

About your mother, is it possible that your mom only talks about your weight loss to your other sister? Maybe she feels that she's only sharing news with you about your sister. Of course it is quite possible that she does want someone in the family to be the "chubby" one other than her.

The next time she starts singing your sister's praises you could always say "Mom, I'm so happy for my sister that she's lost so much weight and become healthier, but I'm not sure that you've noticed that I've lost a lot, too. I've worked and am working very hard to lose weight, and I sometimes wish that you would say something nice about what I've done. It would be so encouraging to hear you say something positive about what I've accomplished."

If when she makes one of those hurtful remarks I suggest "Mom, I know you love me and only mean those things you say in a playful sort of way, but they actually hurt me. I've worked hard to lose weight, and it makes me sad that you think of me in those ways."

We all need venting >.< And it must be very difficult at times to see that two important people to you aren't being as supportive as they could be. And they may never be as supportive as you wish, but don't let it keep you down. You're doing something great for yourself, be proud!

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Old 09-30-2007, 12:19 AM   #4
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Starzzy,

I will never understand that dynamic between a mother and a daughter, but believe me, I have tried. I only have a son, but I have studied the dynamic between my mother and me, and between my mother and my sister, and between mothers and daughters of so many of my friends.

I do know, because I have seen/experienced several phenomena....one is the competition thing........of weighing more/less than........the other is that thing of living vicariously through the child thing...I have seen ALOT of that...so much of that parental praise/pride thing is really living/reliving through the child.....

All that said, a previous post gave some great advice on how to approach it with your mom..even gave some great phrases to use....why not put it out on the table? What is there to lose? Why do we spend so much time wondering? Why not just put our feelings out there and ask the question? If we can't do it with our mother, than with whom can we be comfortable in doing it?

Good luck, and oh, by the way.........GREAT DAMN JOB ON THE WT. LOSS!!!!
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Old 09-30-2007, 05:40 AM   #5
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You have MUCH to be proud of. Losing even one single pound is not an easy feat. And you have lost 70 of them. Congratulations!

You've definitely got a tough situation on your hands and for that I am very sorry. I am sorry that you have to feel like you are in competition with your sister or any one else for that matter. That's just not the way it's supposed to be. Your mom is wrong. I'm sure she means well, but she's WAAAY off the mark. I agree wholeheartedly about having a talk with her. I would bring it up at a neuteral time. When weight loss is not the topic. And then by all means, Faerie gives you some great things to say to your mom.

You've also recieved great advice as far as your BF goes as well. This must seem to scary to him. But reassure him that you are doing this first and foremost to improve your health. And that nothing else will change. And that you really could use and would appreciate his support.

It would be really, really nice to have a great support system around you. But unfortunately the bottom line of weight loss, is that it is all up to you and you alone. I've always found that to be the case, and I do have a supportive family - to a limit. I have really found weight loss to be an extremely solo act. Thank goodness for 3FC. I can vent here, share my successes and my struggles. The people here can relate to me. Everyone here is interested in weight loss and everyone is out to help one another and support one another.

So, anytime and everytime you're looking for support or just to share - or just to vent, come right here. We're ALWAYS here for you.

Good luck talking to your mom and your BF. And I wish you continued success on the amazing job you are doing. Keep it up.
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Old 09-30-2007, 07:44 AM   #6
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Hey! SoulBliss posted this article link in General Chatter--and I thought it had some great insights.

http://www.sdreader.com/php/cover.ph...=1&id=20070927

Jay
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Old 09-30-2007, 07:47 AM   #7
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the link isn't working for me
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Old 09-30-2007, 08:50 AM   #8
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Sorry--don't know why--unless it's because you're in UK. Try copying the link text and pasting it into your browser.

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Old 09-30-2007, 09:05 AM   #9
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Hi,
You have so much to be proud of!!! 70 lbs gone so far!!I am sorry you feel this way with your mom, and I understand how bad she is making you feel. I really would suggest you sit down and tell her how you feel, and be prepared that she may not understand or give you the response you deserve. If these people continute to make you feel bad, you may consider not having much contact with them, because they will just bring you down. You are doing this the natural way and should never be made to feel bad because you are doing something that requires so much more strength than doing a surgery.
Remember you Rock!!! and people can only make you feel inferior if you let them!!!
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Old 09-30-2007, 09:08 AM   #10
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hmm still not working. Maybe it is a UK thing. Oh well thanks for suggestion
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Old 09-30-2007, 09:25 AM   #11
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The link isn't working for me either.

But! You do have so much to be proud of. I'm so sorry that you're not getting the support and credit that you rightly deserve. You are doing amazing things for your health! Your body is thanking you, your heart is thanking you, and it must have felt a little good putting on those sweaters that didn't fit, right?
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Old 09-30-2007, 10:05 AM   #12
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Not much to add to what's already been said, other than to just echo that WE are so amazed at your accomplishment. We KNOW how hard it is, and have so much respect for what you're doing. Good luck with your mom and your boyfriend.
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Old 09-30-2007, 11:50 AM   #13
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I think you're well on your way to finding some happiness just by realizing that your support system isn't very supportive. Everyone here has people who bring them down - whether they mean to or not - and we understand how difficult that is. You are welcome to my mother for a while - she can't talk to me on the phone without asking about my progress. Makes me crazy. Not hi, how are you, how was your day, but ARE YOU STILL LOSING??? No, ma, gained it all back plus three hundred pounds since day before yesterday! She means well, but jeez!

I guess I say what you have to do is remember you are losing the weight for you, not for anyone else, so find the satisfaction and happiness within yourself. Enjoy the reflection. Enjoy the smaller sizes. Enjoy the control you now have over your life.
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Old 09-30-2007, 11:58 AM   #14
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I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said. I also want to say that you are doing a fantastic job!!! Keep up the great work!!! You WILL reach your goal!
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Old 09-30-2007, 12:13 PM   #15
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Try the link now: Being Fat Sucks

Well worth a read!
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