I've alluded to my struggles in other posts, and the weigh-in thread is where it all hangs out there. So, I wanted to just post a new thread and do some whining and theorizing and some general crying for help.
CC and Sheila both responded to other posts that I have made with encouraging words, and I started crying. So, I guess I'm feeling a little emotional on top of everything else. Others have also been very encouraging, especially on the Accountability thread. I thought that I could nip it in the bud last week, but it somehow eluded me. So, another new day and another plan. Hopefully, this one will work. If not, I'll find another one that will.
Step One - Acknowledge that I have made choices - and many of them - that have hurt my goals, my health, and my general feeling of well-being. I did not choose to eat the chips because I am unable to resist the lure of greasy, relatively tasteless food that makes me sick to my stomach. I would never seek out potato chips, especially plain ones. I ate them because they were there and because I was mad that my husband brought them home and mad that he was eating them when I couldn't and I wanted to punish him for "sabotaging" me. Then, when we decided to watch a family movie and he sent the kids to the store for treats, and they came home with cookies and movie-theater butter popcorn, I was mad at them for the same things that I had previously been mad at my husband. I have fought hard to abandon the mindset that anyone else is responsible for my feelings or needs, yet I embraced it readily this weekend so that I could play the victim. Why? I didn't enjoy the role when I had it.
Step Two - Recognize that it will never be easy to make the choices that I need to make. There are some higher-calorie foods that I enjoy, and I sometimes feel like eating until I can no longer force anything more down my throat. This will NEVER go away. When I am doing well and I have inertia on my side, it is easier to make those choices. When difficult things happen or I have been perfectly angelic about my plan, I will find it more difficult to make good choices.
Step Three - I need to keep in mind that the good parts about weight loss completely trump the bad parts. Am I sad that I can't eat a pint of ice cream? Not really. I've never enjoyed the queasy feeling that gives me, and I've never enjoyed the feeling that I have no control over my food choices. Am I jealous of people who lose weight more easily than I do or who can make bad choices without any noticeable repercussion? Probably, though I recognize that it's ridiculous that I am. No one has everything, and I can't see their challenges, so it's incredibly childish and short-sighted to be jealous of them. Besides, the thin woman on my son's baseball team who eats without stopping at the games might only eat that one time all day. I don't know, and it's certainly not any of my business. On the other hand, the feeling of better health, a stronger body, the ability to run faster and farther than I ever remember being able to run, fitting into clothes that I thought I would never be able to wear, the improvement in the way I'm treated by strangers - all of these are things that I want and deserve.
Step Four - Just do it. I have been doing well today, but my body is still reeling from poor choices I made on Saturday. I exercised hard this morning, but I still felt the "hang-over" from my poor food choices. I am having a far more difficult time feeling full on the meals that used to make me satisfied. I desperately want to get back to "normal." And I'm actually quite thrilled that "normal" for me is on plan, making healthy choices. I know that after only one or two days, I will start to feel immensely better. I can endure the pain of two or three days of difficulty making good choices for the rewards that being on plan offers. I am also making a meal plan and shopping for the ingredients later today. Then, tonight, I will go for a walk/run for as long as I want, and if it means my husband has to deal with a child who wakes up and demands attention, it's a price that I'm willing to pay.
Step Five - Recruit help. I have done this to some extent. I am done playing the victim, and I have made sure to communicate to my husband and children what I need from them. Now, I have to follow that up. For example - if my husband buys chips, I need to leave the house while he eats them and ask him to remove the leftovers from sight.
Step Six - I will continue reporting to the Accountability Thread and checking in with 3FC every day. If something is not working and I am having difficulty, I will revisit the plan immediately and take advantage of the accumulated wisdom on this board. I need to fix this - now - so that this is only a bump on the road.
So, that's it. I feel like I've made a very positive step that could put me back on the right path by writing and posting this. But I will NOT take anything for granted. I will work to be vigilant every hour, and will not let anything slide. Like Lisa and Robin both posted in other threads, I will recognize that I have to be absolutely strict for at least the next few weeks. I am beginning again, and I have to treat this like I treated it in the beginning.
Sorry so long. I know I can do this. Now I just have to actually do it.