This thread was born from my post asking for frank and honest feedback about myself. Now here it is, for those of you that don't want to be coddled and babied about your weight loss program.
For those of us who need "tough love" and not cyber hugs (well maybe a FEW ), this is the place!
I want to say right off the bat that I am and will be very grateful for the feedback I will receive here.
I will make the commitment to be HONEST about my program and how I'm doing. If I screw up, I'll 'fess up about it. If I have a good day, I hope you will all celebrate with me.
Right now I am trying to formulate a plan of action. Any words of wisdom are appreciated!
Words of wisdom: If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer.
Observation: When we fall off the wagon, and overeat and gain a few pounds, we've said, "It's nobodies fault but my own." We usually say this as an admission, a punishment, a form of self-pity, or to show that we are weak.
I've decided if I lose the weight and am running around in daisy duke shorts and a crop top, well, "It's nobodies fault but my own."
At first the "tough-love" vs. cyberhugs dilemma kind of threw me. It seemed kind of self-punishing and furthermore asking for others to heap on more. But I don't think we're talking about self-punishment (the starting thread really did NOT go there), but I think instead, we addressed the misperception that seems to crop up now and then, that we have to choose between honesty(accountability) and compassion. I think we have to demand both of ourselves (both in how we treat others, and how we ask to be treated).
Honesty without compassion, is often just an excuse to be mean - to ourselves and others.
Compassion without honesty provides an excuse not to change and fosters self-pity, and powerlessness.
That's the one thought I want to keep in the forefront of my life. I am never powerless. That doesn't mean I can or will ever be perfect. I will fall and fail many times. Progress may be slower than I want or expect from myself. I'm not bad or stupid because of it, but I can never let myself use failing as an excuse for giving up, or putting in less effort than I am capable of.
Honesty without compassion, is often just an excuse to be mean - to ourselves and others.
Compassion without honesty provides an excuse not to change and fosters self-pity, and powerlessness.
Dang girl, you are so SMART!! There are times when compassion is the right way to go, but I know for me I need some strong words to motivate me to do the right thing.
Oh my God. Thank you! THANK YOU for post this thread! I was actually looking around for a different forum that practices tough love.
The way I see it, there are people who need to go easy on themselves. They need hugs and kinder words, they need to learn to have a little splurge when it comes to food every now and then in order to succeed. I am not that person.
I've lost weight before. And the only way I did it was be very tough and critical. I didn't develop any sort of "Oh my God, I hate my body" attitude after I hit goal. In fact, I was so proud of myself for being strict and sticking with it. I felt stronger. When I lost my first ten lbs, I was like, "Okay, you lost ten lbs. So what you want? A medal for it? Get your butt back to work!"
For me personally (and this doesn't work with everyone, of course) the only way to LOSE weight is to look at my self critically. If something I did was good, the next thing should be better. I am somewhat of a perfectionist. The only thing I'm not a perfectionist about is my own body. And that needs to change.
I followed a strict diet of healthy food and lost ten lbs fairly quickly just recently. Then I would look around the forum and think, "Hmmm, maybe I deserve a piece of cheesecake or something 'cuz I've been so good." Nuh uh. I am not going to trust myself with "bad" food ever again until I lose this weight. It's the only thing that's worked for me in the past: tough love and being strict.
I like honesty....it's like Dr. Phil. You don't see him coddling anyone...he tells it like it is. Kaplods is correct, when blended with compassion it's just the right mix.
I don't think you have to choose between honesty and compassion, and I don't think you need a "balance" between the two, because I don't think they're opposite sides of the spectrum. I see them as two completely seperate concepts completely. You can be dishonest with yourself AND self-punishing. You can be compassionate and accountable.
My goal is to be compassionate and accountable. I don't need "tough love," and I don't need "coddling." I can be proud of my successes, understanding and forgiving of my failures, and realistically examine where I've failed and how to improve. I don't have to look at any food or myself as "bad," (though I may decide a trigger food is best avoided, and by that I mean avoided probably for the rest of my life). I have to realistically set goals and work to reach them. If my progress isn't what I want it to be, I have to determine why - am I not working hard enough, or am I expecting more than I can realistically accomplish? One thing I can't do, is say I'm working as hard as I can, and I'm not losing (or not losing fast enough). That's denial, and self-pity isn't far behind.
For me, "boot camp," doesn't work because I would be very unhappy living my life that way. And that's the single most important thing I think I have learned about myself. I have been able to lose weight in the past, sometimes even large amounts of weight, but it was through methods I was not willing to spend my life doing. That is the balance I am still working on finding: trying to learn to make changes that I can incorporate into my life without becoming overwhelmed. I often tend to try to hold myself to standards that are so high, that I am doomed to fail. This is tough love gone wrong - because the love part was left out.
I'm not exactly a perfectionist because that would imply that I am able to achieve perfection or something close to it, however I am likely to set expectations of myself that I am unable to meet. Then feel helpless and hopeless, as a result. Unrealistic expectations are both dishonest AND punishing. If I set goals too high to accomplish, some part of me knows that I will fail, and yet I still punish myself for failing (and being worthless and lazy - again both lies).
Whoo this stuff is so complicated! Why is it so easy to be this crazy?
I'm so glad to see this thread! I feel exactly the same as you Jen, that I need some tough love rather than cyber hugs. I haven't been posting a lot lately because I just haven't found a spot where I thought I was going to get the support I needed. Thanks for starting this thread Jen!!
I haven't read your other thread to see what you are doing now so I can't really comment on what would work for you. Something that I am taking off of my 5 year old son though...we were at Niagara Falls this week and I asked him if he wanted some fudge and he said no. When I asked why he said because he wasn't hungry. He is really teaching me so much about hunger and eating, more than what I think I am teaching him. He asks for food when he is hungry, eats until he is full and then stops regardless of how much food is left on his plate. So he eats like 6 or 7 times a day but that's what works for him. Considering how teeny tiny his stomach is that makes sense because it doesn't take much to fill it up. My husband gets annoyed sometimes when our son is hungry 2 hours after a meal but I don't because I'm happy that he eats healthy, doesn't eat or want a lot of junk, has tons and tons of energy, is happy and fit. I aspire to all those things so I need to start eating like my 5 year old! 6 or 7 small meals throughout the day.
Now I am horrible about exercise. NOt that I hate it but I am such a procrastinator and also that I am so busy with work, work around the house, errands etc etc that I end up too tired for exercise. That is one of those viscious circles. If I exercised more I'd have more energy for exercise! Anyway I need to start committing to something even if it is a walk around the block. Also I don't have a ticker for my weight going, I haven't weighed myself in weeks so that is my goal for tomorrow morning first thing then I will come here and start a new ticker.
Now I am horrible about exercise. NOt that I hate it but I am such a procrastinator and also that I am so busy with work, work around the house, errands etc etc that I end up too tired for exercise. That is one of those viscious circles. ...
Jen, don't beat yourself up...i know exactly what you mean.
Never in my life I thought of that, until last week I attempted to go to the gym in the morning, and you know what it worked.
6am, I get up and I am too sleepy to even think of reasons, I brush my teeth, get dressed and go...Come back, and while I was there, on eliptical I have my whole day mapped out...and ready to act.
this week I began thinking how much easier in terms of planning morning one is, besides I then feel that evening are mine, and I am not deprived of fun of seeing friends or being on a computer!
give it a try...if you can?
p.s. I did have a problem sleeping entire week, and I really think because I am changing patterns, but on Thursday I slept like a baby...(never before had trouble sleeping btw).
I think the problem with losing weight is that we are much to lenient with ourselves. Every now and then a new diet comes up that says "No need to go hungry! Eat as much as you can!" Why? Why do we always need to be babied about everything? What, is it too much for us to stop eating when we're almost full? Are we that powerless?
I have an obsessive-compulsive eating disorder. I don't know when to stop. Actually, I do know when to stop, I just don't do it. I look around and so many people (not all) blame their food obsession on stress or some childhood problems they've had. And I've only met two or three people who have taken full responsibility for their weight (because like me, they like food too much) without blaming any outside factors. This country just IS like this. We have the "not my fault" attitude. Now granted, there are people who have gained weight due to stress and other factors, I'm not saying those people don't exist. But it seems like everyone refuses to accept responsibility for their weight gain; they don't say they've gain weight because they love to eat food and eat a lot of food, period.
I am one of those people who just love to eat and eat too much of it. Yes, I get stressed often (who doesn't?) but that stress doesn't make me want to eat, eat and eat. I know this because when I'm stressed I can't bring myself to eat--I lose my appetite completely.
A lot of people here are sensitive to the concept of tough love and brutal honesty. And I can see why. But for people like me who KNOW what they're doing wrong and still don't change ourselves, hugs and sweet words don't get the job done.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh... but it was needed to be said. It's been on my mind for the longest time. I'm afraid of conflict. I don't like to argue with people. But I feel I have the right to speak up my mind once in a while.
I think I sound a bit defensive in my last post. The point is, I wouldn't treat anyone that way unless they wanted me to. I'd be honest but not brutally, I would be compassionate but not baby them. I'm the worst advice-giver, though. People always take it the wrong way. So I don't give much advice here.
Here it is: The "Non-Pity Party" Thread!
), this is the place!
There are times when compassion is the right way to go, but I know for me I need some strong words to motivate me to do the right thing.
