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Old 04-11-2007, 08:13 AM   #1
Losin' it forever!
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Default Opinions please (sorry, long)

So, I've mentioned before that my husband is severely overweight. The last two weeks he has been having a cramping like pain in his calf (or is it calve? I always get confused) that has been very painful. He is stubborn and didn't want to call the doctor though I think today he is finally going to. I fear it may be some kind of complication from his diabetes (he's on insulin 3xs a day). I try not to ride him about his weight as I am certainly not one to talk, but last night I sent him an email, which he will get at work this morning. I've always been much better in writing than in saying some things out loud, so I just wanted to get your opinion on what I sent to him. I tried very hard not to put him on the defensive because I know how awful that feels.


I always think and think about trying to talk to you about your weight, but I never want to put you on the defensive or make you think that your weight has anything to do with how I feel about you, because it doesn't. I don't know what is going on with your leg; it may be a diabetes thing and it may not be a diabetes thing, but what I would be surprised to hear is that is not a weight thing because I think it is.

We both know I have my own weight issues and am trying to confront them and I know that we have talked about you walking or getting some kind of exercise, but though I would gladly do it with you, you have to want to do it. I've thought about calling you at work and asking if you have time to walk, but first off, your schedule at work is insane and secondly, I would prefer for you to call me when you have time because you know your schedule and because it would make me feel like I was not trying to force you to do something you really don't want to do. The one thing I do know from a lifetime of trying to lose weight is that you have to want to do it and it has to be a priority. You have to want to be healthy and no one else can do it for you. I honestly don't think surgery is the answer for you because you love food. ****, so do I! With surgery you are going to have a lifetime of supplements and very small meals. If that is really what you want to do, you know I will not stand in your way. I want you AROUND and however you want to help ensure that happens is fine by me.

I do truly believe that if you would just find some time each day to exercise and watch how much you snack and on what, you would drop down to a healthier weight. It would not happen overnight (though it would happen faster for you than for me because you are male) and you have to look at it as a lifestyle change for LIFE. I know that when I finally get down to a size 16, I will have to work the rest of my life to maintain that, because like you, I will always battle my weight. That is why it has to be a lifestyle change. I have found that I can eat dessert occasionally because I am exercising and I HATE to exercise. I always feel better after I've done it, but I hate the process of getting it done. I simply have taken to treating it as if there is no other alternative. It's like going to work; I just have to exercise. I may not like it, but it has to be done.

I fear all the time that if you keep going down the road you are currently on, that the kids and I will be left alone much earlier than we should be. My plan has always been to grow old with you and it still is, but I really need for you to do your part. At our current weights, neither one of us are living life to the full potential that we could be living it and if food and activity are the only two things standing in our way, isn't it time that we corrected that?

I will do whatever you need me to do, providing you take the lead with what YOU are going to do. I don't want to push you; I'd much rather support you. If it's getting you a trainer or something at a gym, than so be it. We have the money and nothing is more important than your health.

I'm not going to say anymore about it, other than I love you more than anyone else in this world, and I want you around for a long; long time.

I love you,

RNY 4/15/08

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Old 04-11-2007, 08:36 AM   #2
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Kimberly, that was so sweet. It made me get teary at the end. I think you did a good job of not being condemning and judgmental. You just expressed your fears and how you want to help. I hope he takes it as the love letter it is!
This time, I'm going to be stronger, I'm not giving in. - Rudimental
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:41 AM   #3
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Default Rant Warning

Hi Kim!


My husband is diabetic, too. I have done the whole talking thing and sending him e-mails and offering to walk with him, too. Bottom line is that my husband is an adult and even has an IQ that is twelve points higher than mine. We have the same education and years of teaching, too. We've known one another since we were ten and dated since we were twelve. The difference is that I don't have diabetes and he does. I'm sure that he feels really bad about how he can't do many of the things he used to do and that he has next to no energy while I run around doing everything AND workout twice a day! Bottom line is I don't have Diabetes and he does. I don't think he wants to listen to someone who literally can't walk in his moccasins!!

He does what he WANTS to do. I'm done harping, and I'm done letting him know what I think will be best for him. My harping and commenting and all that hasn't gotten him to do ONE SINGLE THING!

Now maybe your husband is different. Maybe yours will read the e-mail and respond to it. I just have had no luck with any encouragement or harping or threats or sweet nothings that I have given, so I just let him solve things for himself now!

My husband often has leg cramps. His legs jerk and sometimes even knock against me quite hard at night. I am awakened often by him at night. He also has peripheral neuropathy (nerve damage) as a result of going undiagnosed for several years! (Short of hog-tying him and putting him in a sack and dropping him off at the doctor's it was only when he had severe PAIN in his feet that he decided to go to get some help!) He's been put on Cymbalta for the neuropathy. It as helped him a lot. At least now he doesn't howl in pain! The Cymbalta has helped his mood swings and bouts of anger, too, which makes him easier to live with than previously.

I hope you have success! I wish you much luck!

Diabetes is a stealer! Diabetes is a wrecker! Diabetes is the !!!
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Old 04-11-2007, 10:00 AM   #4
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Well..it isn't a husband , but a son. I was really upset when he was diagnosed with diabetes, but after my first response, not wanting to have this to be happening and worried about complications, I decided to leave it to him and his doctors and kept my mouth shut (pretty much). I did calmly tell him about a coworker who manages his diabetes by diet alone,I began to notice he was losing weight (a lot ) . This week he told me that he no longer needs to take diabetes medication.This came from his doctor.He did this by a lot of exercise and diet. My son is an adult but I am still his mother and worry as all mothers do. I think in his case it was better that I butt out and it seems to have worked.
Goal 12/21/2007
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Old 04-11-2007, 10:37 AM   #5
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Your letter was so sweet and supportive. Your husband is very lucky to have you.

My father in law was diabetic, and totally ignored it. My mother in law tried so hard to get him to eat right and exercise-he just would not do it. He did have other health problems, but they were all compicated by diabetes. He had to have several toes amputated and had two strokes. Please, I'm not trying to scare you, I'm sure you've read everything you can about the disease. I just hope your husband can help HIMSELF before it is too late.

I'm dimly remembering reading a weight loss book where the writer said he his "lightbulb" moment to lose weight and become healthier occured when he was sitting on his couch, eating chips and watching tv. There was a medical show on about a man who had his leg amputated from the knee down because of complications from diabetes. He said that scared him so much that from that moment he worked to become healthier. Does anyone remember what book that was? It might have been "From Chunk To Hunk", which was written by a member of 3fc. It's a compelling read-I loaned it out and never got it back....

"I can't change the world, but I can change the world in me. I rejoice!"-Rejoice by U2
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Old 04-11-2007, 10:46 AM   #6
Losin' it forever!
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Suzie, thank you for the book suggestion. I googled it and he is actually putting the book up on line at http://www.chunktohunk.com/main

I haven't heard back from the husband yet and it doesn't matter if he doesn't reply. I know he'll talk to me about it when he's ready. Thanks for the responses as they really do help me, even if not him.
RNY 4/15/08

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GW 165

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Old 04-11-2007, 11:40 AM   #7
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Hi Kimberly,

Your love and committment to your husband shines through in your letter. I sincerely hope he does wake up and makes some important decisions to improve his life and health. He's blessed to have you in his corner.
- Rhonda

"Live the life you've always imagined." Henry David Thoreau

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Old 04-11-2007, 11:54 AM   #8
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Wow Kim - you had my heart strings pulling with your letter. It was a wonderful - I wish I had your way with words.

Hopefully - this will get through to your husband.

I know it took a lot to wake my husband up, he is not very heavy, but just the small amount of extra weight (like maybe 15-20 pounds) that he carries really took it's toll on his diabetes. But, he did wake up and there is just a huge difference already.

Good luck, keeping my fingers crossed for you both.
Semper Progredi - Always Forward!
The Only Thing I Want From Tomorrow Is To Live It Better Than Today.
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Old 04-11-2007, 12:04 PM   #9
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I think you worded that e-mail very well and I hope he responds to it in a positive way. He is lucky that he has someone who cares enough to stick with him.
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Old 04-11-2007, 01:55 PM   #10
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Kimberly: I think you worded that very lovingly and with a heart of concern and not judgmentally. I hope when he sees his doctor that the doctor will help him to completely understand his need to take control of his health now. I hope he does this soon for you and the kids - and for HIM!
~ Lost 137 #s in 2007, then had tragic year in 2012 & regained it all plus some. Now making my way back down again.~

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Old 04-11-2007, 02:04 PM   #11
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Kimberly I feel for you. It must be so difficult to sit and watch your husband suffer like this. You must be just so worried.. I think your letter was terrific and he can certainly not fault you for anything you wrote. You spoke out of love and concern. I have used this approach as well with my DH, not about weightloss though, although I probably should. Unfortunately is IS up to him. One day, hopefully soon it will hit him just exactly what it is he is doing to himself and he will take the proper steps necessary to improve his health.
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Old 04-11-2007, 04:09 PM   #12
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Your letter to your husband is incredibly moving, and brings tears to my eyes, too! It's also well put together from a structure/information standpoint. Definitely, you write really well! I very much hope he can see this as an opportunity to turn around, and it sure wouldn't hurt to pray, and have one or two others add in their prayers. (-Seeing as your blog is God-centered, and your profile says you're a church secretary, I figure it's safe to suggest; and you may already be doing this!)

May I suggest a plan B, if he's not letting himself be moved from his comfort zone? I learned this from an event a while ago. (Warning: long) I knew a girl well (from the inside) in the late sixties, who got involved in a set of bad choices of the time, but just to an extent she thought was socially acceptable... Her best friends took her aside one day, affirmed their past history and all the great shared goals and activities, which were becoming history. This was because of certain choices she might take to be purely personal, but had so many social consequences, that she needed to be informed and face up to. A couple of friends said there wasn't much reason to pursue friendship any more, if she persisted in such an absentee lifestyle! Point taken; the girl turned it around. Key concepts for your husband's situation: friends who share activities, and maybe long-term goals too, "personal" (not!) choices, "acceptable" bad choices, absentee lifestyle. If you aren't enough all by yourself, maybe all the people close to him can turn the tide. It doesn't have to be called an intervention! Even without any set technique, simple love and good sense all round, will suffice.

I realize this plan B may not be a good fit, you may not be able to find the right people, or present a moving enough case, or...? But maybe some or all the other great ideas posted already, can inspire you to come up with other possibilities?

All my best to you; how hard it must be to watch someone you share your life with, stay on a self-destruct path. Please keep posting!

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