Hi! Iím Nikki. *waves* Iíve been a lurker here for probably a year or so and I figured itís time to join in and put my introduction out there. Warning: This is going to be long.
Iím 26 from Alabama. I just got married to a wonderful guy last MayÖalmost a year ago! Wow. Time flies! Iím a full time student, majoring in Biology with a double minor in Chemistry and Psychology and graduate next May. After screwing around for several years, I finally decided to go back to school. I hope to get into vet school after I graduate. Itís very competitive, so Iím not sure how much of a chance I have to actually pursue my dream. If that falls through, I want to get into med school and become an orthopedic surgeon. And if that falls through, Iíll go to grad school to become a researcher or psychologist. Itís good to have a plan. LoL. My husband is in law school right now and we never get to see each other. Itís really stressful. But in the end, Iím sure itíll be worth it.
I have 2 dogsÖ Cedar, an Akita, and Ollie, a lab mix. Cedar just had a birthday yesterday and got to wear the cute party hat. LoL. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Veronica MarsÖ and also watch House and Prison Break (season finale on tonight!). I love to read more than anythingÖ I have a huge stack of books just waiting to be read. My current obsession at the moment is Bare Escentuals mineral makeup. Iíve spent so much money on that stuff in the past few months, itís unreal.
Weight & My Journey
Okay. Now to the weight stuff. Iíve been heavy all of my life and itís getting harder and harder to lose weight. This is the most Iíve ever weighed and I just canít seem to get the motivation to change it. I know what foods to eat. I know to exercise. Itís just so hard when Iím at school, at work, or on the road. I commute for 10 hours a week. Thatís a huge chunk of time right there.
For the most part, Iíve been a size 16 for most of my life. Even in grade school. My family is overweight as well. I never exercised until I started the marching band in high school. Then, my life of dieting began. My mother was constantly on a diet. When I was around 16, she took me to a weight clinic with her where they did low carb and prescribed medication. I lost 40 lbs immediately and looked pretty good. I have a large bone structure and know I couldnít weigh less than 160 or so. After I lost that weight, I graduated and then my life was turned upside down. My mom and dad divorced, my mom moved out of state for a man she met online and took my younger sister with her, and I was pretty much just left behind. I moved in with my aunt and uncle since my dad was unstable then and then I started eating and eating. After a few months at their house, I moved into the dorms at school. I was on my own, had to eat cheaply, and just ate tons of bad stuff. That was the most Iíd ever weighed back then. I think I got up to around 240lbs.
I moved back in with my dad after he saw the dorm I was living in and started working a part time job. I got on Atkins and lost about 15 lbs. I had to quit school because my job wouldnít work around that schedule anymore and started working full time. I continued to work there for 3 more years and then changed jobs. I was off and on Atkins for the most part of those years. Iíd gain and lose, gain and lose. I was also going to a gym on a regular basis, but never lost a pound or inches. I continued to wear a 16-18.
My life became really stressful because of my dad, my current job, a guy, and the lack of schoolÖand I went to visit my mom and sister for about 3 months. I got back on my diet plan and stayed on it and lost a decent amount of weight. I left their house at 207. I stayed at that number for months after I got back home, despite cutting even more carbs and calories. Then, something just clicked. I started eating more fruits and veggiesÖ and low carb tortillas and didnít cheat at all. And I started losing again. I became obsessed about every drop of food that went into my mouth. Iím almost positive I developed some kind of eating disorder. It would worry meÖ but my dad told me to keep on doing what I was doing because I looked great. I started doing yoga then and getting on our treadmill at home. I dropped down to 192. I thought I looked pretty good. I see pictures of me from then and I think ďwow!Ē. I didnít look like I weighed that much.
It took me years and years just to lose those few pounds. I was in a zone when I weighed 192. I had quit dating because every guy Iíd meet was a loser. Then I met my future husbandÖ and all my weight loss efforts went down the drain. At first, Iíd be doing the diet thing with a cheat here and there like when we went out to eat. I was still doing the low carb thing since Iíve understood that my body craves carbs and theyíre what make me heavy. And Iím talking about breads and pastas.. not veggie carbs. Iíd gained a few lbs, but I didnít really worry about it. But then, 2 months after we started dating, I had a serious car wreck in August of 2004. I shattered my heel and had to have it reconstructed. I spent 4 months on my *** or on crutches. I couldnít make my own food that was low carb and healthy for me. I had to rely on sandwiches and junk because my crutches wouldnít allow me to carry stuff and cook properly. And I gained 30 lbs back.
My future husband and I got really serious then and moved in together in February. With my insurance settlement after my surgery was paid for, we went to Europe the following summer. I lost about 15 lbs before we went. I still donít know I managed to travel over Europe with my foot still messed up and in pain, but I did it. He proposed while we were on the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland. We set a date for a year from then. And the weight started piling up again. I dieted half heartedly for the wedding for a year. I didnít really lose anythingÖ and in the months before the wedding, I was so stressed with school, work, and planning, that I gained what I had lost back.
So, we got married last May and went to Ireland again for our honeymoon. We ate tons of good, bad stuff at the pubsÖ I had daily pints of Guinness with meals. When we got back, I took that summer off of school and worked full time.. Then I started going to a local university. We live in the sticks and have to commute if we want to have anything. Both my job and the university is an hour away. Last July, I went to my primary care doctor and talked to him about my weight. He told me flat out that he didnít really know anything about nutrition and if I wanted him to prescribe a diet pill, tell him which one and heíd write one up for me. I was taken aback and wanted to talk about calories and metabolism. Iíve had my thyroid tested twice and both times, itís come back on the low end of normal.. but they wonít do anything about it. I told him that Iíve tried counting calories and wanted to get off of strict low carb, but I didnít know how many calories I should consume to lose weight. I told him that I read somewhere that I needed around 1800 calories for my current weight to lose weight and he told me that was far too much. So, we decided on 1200 calories. He wrote me a script for Adipex and sent me on my way. I have normal blood pressure and normal blood sugar. Iím overall healthy. My body temp is normally around 97.5.. and Iíve read places that that indicates hypothyroidism. But whatever. I took the Adipex, counted calories, and lost 15 lbs in a month. Then I started my new semester at the new school.
I didnít have a normal lunch break. My classes were back to back and then I would have to go straight to work after class. Iíd have to eat a high protein bar or something like that. I tried taking my lunch with me, but I felt stupid taking my lunch bag with me to class. If I left it in my truck, itíd get too hot. Sometimes, Iíd be so hungry, Iíd have to stop by a fast food place and get something to eat. I suffer from hypoglycemia as well and get so dizzy and irritable if I donít have food at regular intervals. I continued to take the Adipex and tried to watch what I ate, but it didnít work out well. Then, Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. And the pounds piled on. This semester, I have an easier schedule since Iím not working quite as much, but my classes are much more demanding. I donít have free time to do anything and after I drive an hour home after classes get out, Iím famished and tend to make horrible food choices.
We buy healthy food at the grocery store. We get lean meats like fish, ground turkey, and chicken.. no red meat. We get veggies, whole grain bread (when we do buy bread), and brown rice. Sometimes we get whole grain pasta. So, we have all the right things at home. Itís just hard for me to take something portable for school.. and very hard for me to bypass the fast food places to get a quick fix. We eat out way too much. If weíve had a stressful day (which is 3-4 days a week), weíll go to the local Mexican place and get a margarita or two. Which is bad, bad, bad. And we wind up eating there as well. They just put grilled tilapia on the menu though and itís fabulous, so it makes me feel a bit better when we eat there. But, we love eating out together since we donít have much time together at all and I always make bad food choices. And because of all of the school stress, new married life stress, and work stress, Iím back up to around 245. Iíve never weighed this much before and it makes me sick.
Iíve tried to get my dr to give me some more Adipex, but he told me he only prescribes it for 4 months out of a year. That helped my hunger so much. I didnít think about food while taking it. It made me feel like I was actually doing something for myself and dieting. Since January, Iíve tried doing the counting calories thing and doing a moderate carb diet with low fat and a lot of lean protein. But itís just so hard when Iím so busy and at school, or work, or on the road. I know I could stick with it if I just stayed at home and did nothing. But, this weight is taking a toll on my reconstructed foot. It still swells up on a daily basis and I had the surgery almost 3 years ago. I had knee surgery 6 years ago and I know this extra weight isnít helping my knees either. Iím tired of huffing and puffing up steps and around campus. Iím tired of being the biggest girl in the classroom. Iím tired of being invisible. This one professor I haveÖ even though Iím there for class and make good grades, he still doesnít even look at me or know my name. Itís like Iím invisible.. and there are only 13 people in my class since itís an upper level major specific class! It makes me feel worthless.
Itís so hard with these obstaclesÖ and hard when you have a husband that doesnít care what you eat.. that likes you just fine the way you are. Iíll try my best to diet and be good and heíll say that he wants a margarita or something like that. And Iíll go along with it because I have no willpower anymore. He tends to cook whenever we do eat at home because he likes to and heís a much better cook than me. But I feel that if he cooked whatever he wanted to eat and I cooked what I wanted/could eat, itíd be much better. He likes stuff with pasta and rice. And while we get whole grain or brown, itís still bad for me. I still gain weight when I eat it.
Iíve read I donít know how many diet books. Atkins, South Beach, Dr Oz, Body for Life, the Jillian Michaels book. I know what to do. I just donít seem to have the motivation right now or the willpower.
This past weekend, we had a wedding to go to. None of my clothes fit so I had to go get some new clothes. I tried and tried on clothes. Nothing worked. Everything looked horrible on me. Then I went to lane bryant. I found some beautiful clothes that looked great on me.. I got so many compliments. But, I had to get a size 20. I haven't been that size in years and swore I'd never get to that size again. And here I am. I almost had a breakdown in the dressing room... but I didn't want to mess up my pretty makeup. LoL.
Iím ready for a change and ready to stick with it. We just bought a cool treadmill. Iím hoping I can find some time to do that and start yoga again.. because I absolutely loved doing yoga. I canít do a lot of exercising because of my foot, but I can walk for a little bit. Iím looking to do a 1200-1400 calorie diet with high protein, moderate carbs, and low fat. It can be done because I did it last July and had some success. I just donít know how to do it with my work and school scheduleÖ and my commuting. And itís just so hard to not stop at the drive thru and make life easier. I am so tired of this.
A couple of weeks ago, I was put on Prozac by my psychiatrist. Iím so stressed out and irritable and just generally pissed off all the time. So, Iím hoping that it helps my weight loss efforts as well. I get so depressed when I work so hard watching what I eat and counting calories and not seeing any results. Then I just give up and eat whatever and gain even more weight. Itís like when I diet, Iím maintaining.. not losing.
I want to get down to a size 10 and weigh around 165. I canít make little mini goals because I never reach them and get depressed and go on an eating spree. Iím thinking that maybe I could have one ďbadĒ meal a week so thatís something I can look forward to and will stay on track because of it. Like getting the grilled tilapia and a margarita every Saturday night. And then get right back on track Sunday morning. Oh, and I already drink at least 3 liters of water a day. Iíve trained myself from my Atkins days to drink that muchÖ I donít drink anything else during the day but water. Do I need to increase my water intake since thatís all I drink and my body is accustomed to it?
This is way too long and Iím very sorry for it! I was just tired of keeping this bottled in and hoping someone out there was experiencing the same obstacles Iím experiencing. Thanks and Iím glad to be here!