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Please help me keep my perspective!

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Old 03-22-2007, 08:13 AM   #1
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Default Please help me keep my perspective!

Okay...so I have been chubby all my life. My sister just older than me used to make fun of me in front of all my friends....pretty much all my growing up years. She weighed 119 and basically didn't eat and/or had bulimia. My oldest sister took up for me and told her to watch out - she might end up bigger than me. Well...fast forward about 20 years. She got to 287 lbs...yep...bigger than me. However, here is my problem today. This past November, she went on a modified protein fast (doctor supervised) and just since November has lost 98 lbs. Please let it be known, I am ABSOLUTELY thrilled when ANYONE loses weight because I know the struggle involved. However, I am having a hard time keeping my perspective regarding my goal for this year (I had already declared that 2007 was MY year long before she did this diet). I keep feeling like she is now flaunting the fact that she is smaller than me (again) and that she did it so quickly...so what is my problem? Now, grant it, she lives 18 hours away and I only hear from her every now and then - but when I do I just feel so inferior now. This is why I came here. I need help from my 3FC friends to help me keep my perspective - (1) to continue to be glad that she has lost (2) to keep me from being anxious that my weight loss is sooooooo slow and (3) to have confidence that I'm still "okay" even if it takes me 2 years to lose. I do NOT agree with HOW she lost the weight, yet I'm glad she is free from it. However, why do I feel so inferior by this? I have checked my heart to make sure it isn't jealousy. Why do I feel inferior that my weight is coming off slowly? In all honesty, I don't want to see her face to face until I lose my weight. Why is this?? Do I feel she will resort back to childhood tauntings (maybe not out loud but in her mind)? I think I'm worried that she will be different and this will affect the restored relationship that we have (we have been estranged for awhile due to her outright mean spirited ways toward me growing up).

I know I can trust my 3FC to keep me thinking straight about this. I just want to somehow get my own "secure" feeling that I'm doing the "right thing" and that I'm "worth something" even if I am not to goal weight in six months.

I'm sorry for the ramble. I hope it makes sense! Thanks!!
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Old 03-22-2007, 08:29 AM   #2
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First you can't help your feelings. You feel the way you feel probably because of your past with her. Try to concentrate on your present. How good you feel even though the weight is coming off slowly. Your increased energy. Concentrate on YOU. You cannot change the past. Know you are in charge of YOUR HEALTHY FUTURE. Good luck. You will do it don't worry about how long it takes you. Slow and steady wins the race and keeps it off for a lifetime.
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Old 03-22-2007, 09:08 AM   #3
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Your feelings are natural. Being one of three girls, I get the same way sometimes. I have a thin sister (luckily she never picked on me) and an overweight one who used to be cruel. I think it's just that we've grown up in a certain "place" as a sibling. Unfortunately, she's still holding you to it. As an adult, we are entitled to be our own person and not pigeon holed into the roles we held as a child. Be happy for her, but it's time to focus on you!! Don't waste energy on defending your choice of a healthy approach to weight loss. What works for one does not always work for someone else. You can do this and there is no calendar as to when you should be done. Just head in the right direction and you'll get there, with healthy habits and a smile on your face!!!
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Old 03-22-2007, 09:19 AM   #4
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I hope this doesn't sound to preachy but I just felt like you were hurting over something that really isn't your fault and wanted to reach out to you.

It sounds like your sister has had a pretty messed up attitude to food for her entire life and has taken that out on you both as a child and now. I'm sure you are happy for her for loosing the weight, you can be happy for her but wishing it was you at the same time. Perhaps though you should remember that the way she has done it will help her little in the future, it seems like she hasn't learnt to change the way she eats or her attitude towards food whereas you are making all the right changes for the long term. Your goal is more than just losing weight as quickly as you can and therefore it is much harder to achieve, you shouldn't worry about how big or small your goal is this year - it's better to lose 20lbs slowly and keep it off than a 100 quickly and put it and more all back on again.

I hope everything works out really well for you, it would be such a shame for your relationship with your sister to continue to suffer over weight, something it seems that you have both struggled with. My sister has always been thin and I've always wished it was me, but when I speak to her she has her own worries (about job's and health concerns) that I have never had so it all balances out in the end.
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Old 03-22-2007, 09:31 AM   #5
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I agree with all of the above. You can't help how you feel. That's what happens when you have siblings. But you have taken the right steps and are making yourself healthier. I really believe in the "slow and steady wins the race and keeps it off for a lifetime." We're an instant gratification kind of world these days. We don't like to be patient. Hence all the fad diets with quick results. However I know, we all know, people that have lost a lot of weight quickly and then put it all back on plus more. I hope your sister is one of them that can keep it off. However I think that you have a healthier way to lose and succeed! Even if it takes longer. Don't let it keep you down or worse give up. You will get there!
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:07 AM   #6
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I knew it! I just knew it! This is the most WONDERFUL support group I have ever come across!! When I was feeling those topsy-turvy feelings this morning when I posted, I knew you all would help me keep my eyes on what is most important. You know how it is - you know what to do and what is right...you just have to have it confirmed by someone who isn't currently walking in your shoes...just to be sure.

Every single reply above was so on target! Lillibeth, I almost wondered if you know our family somehow - you were SO right!

Thanks again, friends! I so appreciate you all!!
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Long-term goal: 140 ~ Lost 138 pounds in 2007/2008 then had emotionally tragic year in 2012 & regained 100 pounds back. Now making my way back down. Top ticker is current progress. I'm keeping the old ticker for motivation. ~

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Old 03-22-2007, 10:24 AM   #7
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Default Just want to offer hugs, RitzyFritz....

I am one of 5 kids including 4 girls and I have 4 girls so I understand a lot of the undercurrents that sibling girls seem to have. I have a sister who is just about a year older than me. I have always had some inferiority issues with her and most of it is more my problem than hers. She just seems so perfect to me and yet in many ways she values different things. (Not wrong just different.) Although she lives in the same small town, I have put some distance between us right now. I just need to focus on me and what I need now. I realize that it is okay to be selfish sometimes and deal with my own issues. My advice is to watch your inner voice. Make sure that you are your biggest support. If you need to put distance in relationships that haven't always been healthy that is okay. You will come out better in the long run.

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Old 03-22-2007, 10:26 AM   #8
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I think you have very valid reasons for feeling the way you do. How could you not, given the circumstances? There are so many "sides" to us, the intelligent, kind one who of course is thrilled beyond belief that anyone, even someone who taunted you has improved their lives. Then of course there's the hurt sister, who after years of abuse, just can't shake the feeling that she's gotten "ahead" of you and you are therefore a little bit envious and resentful. All perfectly normal. And to be EXPECTED. So in answer to your #1, be both be glad she's lost the weight and be a little envious. So what. You're entitled.

Having said that, I think you need to take your sister our of your weightloss equation. What good is it doing you? You need to lose weight and get healthy regardless of what your sister is or is not doing.

Your #2 & #3, your weightloss is slow. It may be slow - but it's there, it's happening. You are taking the right steps towards fixing your health. You are doing it in the smartest way humanly possible. I wish it were faster for you, I really and truly do. But if it's not meant to be, then so be it. And you don't even know if it will remain at that pace, but even if it does - think how fast time flies. It's spring now, it was winter when you started and you've lost 19 pounds. 19 pounds!!!! Before you know it, it will be summmer and then fall and before you know it you will have lost another 19 and then another. You are looking to better your life forever and ever, you'll get there. Even if it take you 2 to 3 years. And keep in mind you don't need to get all the way to goal to start benefiting. I'm sure you are ALREADY seeing benefits. IF not they are just a mere 5 lbs away and they will keep on coming. Just think how worth it, it will be when you are all said and done. The harder the work, the bigger the payoff. And what a BIG payoff it will be. Hang in there. Don't let your sister or anyone or anything get you down. You CAN and WILL do this. It is the most worthwhile thing you can do for yourself and it IS worth all the time and all the effort. A few years from now you will look back and say, "I can't believe I was so anxious about losing this weight quickly. LOOK AT ME NOW!!!"
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:44 AM   #9
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Thank you, Kathy and Robin! I truly and sincerely appreciate each and every one of my 3FC friends who care and take the time to reply and give their heartfelt advice! I am currently digesting all the above replies, and it has already been so therapeutic for me! How does one properly thank such an awsome group of people!? I hope my "thanks" doesn't seem shallow...I truly appreciate it...from the depths of my heart! You all are the best!
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Old 03-22-2007, 11:19 AM   #10
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Hopefully it isn't too late to add my 2 cents!! It sounds like you have received some good advice. Which, by the way, has helped others like me who were able to read along.
I just wanted to say the same thing about losing weight slowly. I've always felt that a drastic choice in diet doesn't help. Once you quit the diet and you haven't learned how to eat right, the weight seems to pile back on. I'm still in that learning process, but I wanted to encourage your 19 pound loss. How awesome is that!?!! I'm looking forward to that kind of weight loss... when the time comes, not by tomorrow.
Hang in there!!!
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Old 03-22-2007, 11:44 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Casey4 View Post
I just need to focus on me and what I need now. I realize that it is okay to be selfish sometimes and deal with my own issues. My advice is to watch your inner voice. Make sure that you are your biggest support. If you need to put distance in relationships that haven't always been healthy that is okay. You will come out better in the long run.
Kathy
Hi RitzyFritz,

Everyone has given you such wonderful advice. I especially agree with what Kathy has shared with you. Many of us have reached this point in our life without ever putting ourselves and our needs at the top of the list. Now is the time to concentrate on you and what will make your lifestyle healthier and happier. I am also losing very slowly. One thing I try to remind myself is that I am learning a new way of living and this sometimes takes time. I am not merely on a 'diet.' I've heard that losing the weight is the easier part and maintaining is the more difficult aspect of this journey. By losing this weight through healthy dietary changes and exercise, I'd like to think we are setting ourselves up for a smoother and more effective maintenance phase. Be proud of yourself and what you've done so far and learned so far! These are lessons for a lifetime.
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Old 03-22-2007, 12:03 PM   #12
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Diane and Rhonda, your replies were so encouraging! Thanks so much for your input; it sure helps when I have lost my clear thinking to have others gently guide me back to the right way of thinking. That is why I came here. I knew you all would give such great sound advice and help me to see my new lifestyle for what it is - a change in ME and no one else. You all are so wonderful; thanks again!
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Old 03-22-2007, 12:08 PM   #13
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One final thought...as you're losing it may be that you come into a position where your sister needs your help in order to maintain her loss. I'm thinking of Oprah and how her protein shake diet did NOTHING for her as far as maintaining a goal weight for her lifetime. NOW she has gone back and relost everything by a healthy lifestyle....and if you notice....it's staying off. Your sister may have lost very quickly but think about it....she has had NO TIME to learn how to eat well...I think that's not going to be very helpful.
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Old 03-22-2007, 03:28 PM   #14
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Ritzy - you have gotten some great advice today. There isn't a lot I can add to what has already been said, I feel bad because this is the first I have gotten to check in today, and I wasn't here when you really needed us. Thank goodness the rest of the group was here and able to help you through this. I am sending you big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}anyhow.

I am one of 3 girls (and I also have 3 girls) and it is difficult to not have those feelings. They're perfectly natural. On the other hand, I too, have a sister who wasn't very nice while growing up either and it got worse as we were adults. I ended up breaking off all contact with her for over 8 years. We are now friends and she is well aware of her boundries - and knows that I would not hesitate to put that wall back up if need be to protect my own mental health.

I wish you well with this situation. I KNOW you are doing the right thing with your weight loss. And you WILL get to your goal ~ follow your heart and we are all here for you.
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Old 03-22-2007, 03:46 PM   #15
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Thank you, Tricia and Mrs. Quadcrew!!! I am overwhelmed by the WONDERFUL support here! I agree with you, Tricia. In fact, my first words when I heard my sister had done this diet were "I hope she keeps it off because she isn't learning a new way of eating nor is she changing any habits that got her there to begin with." That is SO important, I know.

Mrs. Quadcrew, please don't feel badly that you weren't "here" when I posted! I never once felt let down or anything! Your post made me smile and square my shoulders even more! You are always a huge inspiration to me, and I very much thank you for your advice and care! I consider myself SO blessed to have found such a great group!
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