So, the weekend was really rough for me. Friday went well as the kids were away and we went out for sushi, which I love. Now, my hubby has more weight to lose than I do, and we recently had a really nice talk about how afraid I was for him etc and he committed to start some walking over the next couple of weeks. This was all good news for me!
Then on Saturday, we were out with my mom and we stopped at an Italian place for lunch. I was nervous about what to get, but did find something on the menu that wasn't too bad and I already planned to only eat some of it and take the rest home. When the waiter came to take our order, he asked if we wanted an appetizer and both my mother and I said no. DH, however, ordered Mozzarella sticks and when they came, he had a big ole fit that no one was helping him to eat them! I am so non-confrontational, that I caved and ate ONE of them as did my mother. Lunch came, and I ate my salad and a small portion of my meal. DH was unable to finish his meal as well and remarked that he "had not planned to have to eat all those cheese sticks." I replied with "When the waiter asked if I wanted an appetizer, I said no thank you."
Then yesterday, the kids were back home and DH took them out for a bit to take care of some errands. When they returned, he tossed me a damn Cadbury Cream Egg! He knows I love the stupid things and again, the problem is that if I shun what he brings me, he can almost get an attitude, which I hate. My youngest son was asking DH for a bite of his cream egg, so I hurriedly offered to share mine with my son. I broke the egg in half, giving my son the large half with just a little taste for me.
I was telling one of my friends about this, and she replied with "Well, you know, Kim, he has had a partner in crime for a long time and he isn't that willing to give that up." There is probably a lot of truth to that, but in the meantime until he realizes just how serious I am and hopefully gets on the wagon with me, I am stuck trying to keep food issues civil between us and it is making me insane!
It's good that you had the talk with him, but I bet it will still take time for him to adjust. I think your friend was right in that he isn't used to your new healthy changes and might even forget at times that you have a goal. I bet with a little guidance he will slowly come around with baby steps. Hope it all works out for you both!
I'm sorry, Kim! That must be really frustrating for you. Since I don't know your husband I can't really offer advice, but I do know that in general with people it can be helpful to confront an issue right away, as it's happening, or right after. It's great that you said "When the waiter asked if I wanted an appetizer, I said no thank you." And certainly, no one forced him to eat "all of those cheese sticks." Perhaps next time something like that happens, you can try saying, gently, after the waiter leaves, "You know, there's an entire list of reasons I don't want those cheese sticks, and I hope you can respect that I will not eat any. If you want some, go ahead and have them, but please don't try to make me feel guilty about not eating them. I don't want them."
Alternately, you can try having a talk with him about your plan. You said you two talked about him getting healthy and committed, but have you really sat down and talked about how important YOUR plan is to YOU? Have a talk when there's no food involved, you haven't gone out to eat, etc. Tell him what you wrote here! That you don't want food to be a sore point, and you're struggling with something every day and as your husband, he should respect that you're struggling and do everything in his power to make things easier for you. Tell him it's not HIM you're rejecting, but you're trying to stop giving food the power that it's had for however long.
I agree with your friend- people feel threatened and can get downright freaked out when something changes in someone they love, even if it's for the better. Change can be a scary thing for significant others, regardless of what kind it is. He'll get used to it once he sees how serious you are and how much better you feel.
Lakegirl, I agree that your hubby probably feels threatened. He's probably afraid that you'll lose all that weight, and then you won't want him. My husband just found an article I was reading in Shape magazine, about an overweight woman who dumped her doctor and a girlfriend because they 'made' her feel bad about her weight. He asked me if I was going to dump him, which is ridiculous. While I don't advocate being responsible for someone else's feelings, a little reassurance that you'll still want and love him could go a long way.
Just wanted to mention another side to that coin of he's losing his "partner in crime" idea. Not only can a man feel threatened by your change, he can feel the strong spotlight placed back on him and the weight he has to lose. You may never say anything about his weight, but think about it, if he has more to lose than you do and you're doing something about it and he's not, that can be a VERY uncomfortable position for him. He obviously has some issues he's going to have to deal with, but bottom line is you are not responsible for his feelings. Love him, support him but don't take his guilt.
I can't be "off the wagon". I'm driving it!
“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” -Thomas Edison Began 6/5/06, First mini goal: Achieved 10/17/06, 60 pounds gone! Second mini goal, LICENSE WEIGHT
Stick to your guns- even if it hurts his feelings. When he pushes stuff, like eggs, on you- just say no thank you... but you appreciate him thinking about you. If he stills wants to give you rewards- ask for a different type, not associate with food. The longer you humor him with food, the harder it will be to break this unfortunate habit.
10 POUNDS! I CAN DO IT!
I am not losing weight for I have no intention of going out and finding it again.
A bat for each 10 lbs:
It's a tough situation, no doubt. You've gotten some good advice already. This is really a whole new area for you and your hubby and it will take some time sorting things out and getting used to it. But eventually he WILL get used to it and things WILL get better between you. I think it's really, really important that you remain strong (don't we always have to?). I also think talking to him about it a couple of more times to let him know how serious you are and how you would appreciate his help could be beneficial. The best time to probably do that would be when you guys are NOT having any food issues. Just some random time. Sometimes (usually) men need to be beaten over the head with something before they "get" it. You'll get through this. Good luck.
Thank you for the advice, ladies as well as for the sympathetic ears! I don't seem to have the problems during the week as with kids, everything is pretty regulated and I cook Sunday through Friday, with Saturday being my day off. It all just feels so delicate when it happens and I don't want to make him feel self conscious or badly about himself.
Maybe in a couple more weeks, he will realize that this is my new reality and he'll join me in it!