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How could I have let this happen? How?

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Old 01-15-2007, 07:33 AM   #1
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Question How could I have let this happen? How?

Today is I suppose a happy one for me, yet I am feeling suddenly blue. Hopped on the scale today, I'm down to 206 lbs. Which means I've lost 81 pounds so far, exactly half way to my goal of 125. So although I'm thrilled to have lost the 81, which for the first time to me is a substantial number, I still have a substantial number to lose, another 81. I knew this was going to be a tough and long fight, that's not the problem.

Here's the problem, luckily something I don't dwell on too much, but for some reason today I am - How in the world did I allow myself to get into this situation? How did I allow myself to get to 287 lbs at a mere 5 feet tall? Why did I think it was okay? Sure I was home raising the kids, boredom, frustration, lonliness, probably some real depression issues,mommy mode - kids first, mommy last, just plain old bad habits, yada, yada, yada. I know all that. All legitimate reasons I suppose, but quite frankly not valid enough. Weren't there enough clues along the way to wake me up? The horrible inactivity, the horrible clothing situation, the out of breath from practically nothing, the seat belt situation and so on and so on. My horrendous body!!! What kind of example was I setting for my children? I am their number one role model. What the heck was I thinking?

And why now does it seem so crystral clear as to this was TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE? Sure you get older and wiser, and finally get fed up enough, but my gosh, one would have thought that I would have woken up a bit sooner. I've always thought myself to be a fairly intelligent person (don't know if others would agree), so why did I blow it soooo big time on this one MAJOR issue? I mean is there anything in the world more important then one's own health?

Well, I guess I've rambled and vented enough, sorry to bore you. And yes, I am most thankful that I finally DID wake up and decide to take some ACTION and try to repair the horrible damage that I've done to myself.

I suppose I will never have an answer to the question as to how I could have let this happen. It just could be the #1 rhetorical question of all time.

Last edited by rockinrobin : 01-15-2007 at 08:11 AM.
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Old 01-15-2007, 08:57 AM   #2
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Default I've been feeling the same way

Hi Robin,

I've been feeling the same way for a long time. I am at my highest weight ever, minus the 3-4 lbs I have just started to lose. I don't know how it got this bad. I mean, I do know, the eating when I'm bored, or upset. Eating the wrong things, sitting on the couch, not doing any exercise. But somehow its like it just crept up on me and then one day you realize how heavy you really are.
Its like I ignored the symptoms or signs every time. Every time I wanted to get on the floor and play with my oldest son (he's 2), and I have trouble getting up, or I'm out of breath from playing outside with him. Or even the times I just don't feel up to it and sit and watch him because deep down I know I will be out of breath if I get up and do it.
I agree, I don't know if we will ever have the answer. We just have to accept that we are doing something about it and that we can't change what we did before, we can only change it now. So many
times I've said to myself that I am so disgusted with how I have let this get out of hand for so long. Most of the time, I feel that way and I get depressed about it, and I do what I have always done, I turn to food. The complete opposite of what I know I should do, but somehow it still happens anyway.
I know for me, I just have to take it day by day and try to make myself as important as everyone else in my life.
No real point to this, just to say I know exactly where you are coming from!

Oh, and congrats, you have already done so much to improve your health! I hope one day I can be as successful as you!

Anne
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Old 01-15-2007, 08:57 AM   #3
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Hi, Robin. First things first.....Half way there!! What an awesome accomplishment. Congratulations!

I understand where you're coming from in the weight gain through the years. I'm not sure why we let this happen. I know that eating satisfied some of my needs...not well, but it worked for me for the time. But, I would have thought I would have woken up a lot sooner than this. I'm just glad I did wake up and got started. The diet and weight loss market is huge. Every other commercial on TV is for a diet or a diet tool. It looks like we are in good company....most of America has let if go for a long time, too
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:08 AM   #4
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That is a hard question. The blame does lie at our own feet but it is a hard pill to swallow. The only thing I can say is we can not live in the past. We are all doing the right thing now and that is what matters. We can't change the past but we can change the future.
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:17 AM   #5
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Hi Robin,

I can totally empathise with how you are feeling. I had the exact same low feeling when I hit the 100lb lost mark. Although it was a huge feeling of wow I've achieved that - it is so demoralising to know that you have a significant amount of weight left to lose - in my case 75lbs - ish. I think if someone overeats there's a lot of hiding going on/ not wanting to face up to what you're doing to yourself or to life or whatever. Maybe that's just my experience but I suspect not. Think the great thing about feeling the way you do is that you are conscious about your body NOW and maybe regret what you did in the past. But you are putting it right. It may not have been possible for you to live any other way previously - or maybe you needed support and you didn't get it. Point is you are doing it and you'll get to a healthy weight eventually. Keep on going and CONGRATULATIONS for getting to your half way point. You KNOW you can lose the rest now so go for it!

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Old 01-15-2007, 09:21 AM   #6
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Girlygirl, you bring up a good point - that eating must of been filling some kind of need. I suppose that is true. Certainly not the best way to deal with things, but I suppose we do what we know and when we KNOW better, we DO better.

And Howie, like I said, thankfully, thankfully I don't dwell on this very often. It would be pointless. Thank goodness we can change our future. It is most certainly all in our hands.

Anne, thanks for the congrats and you most certainly CAN be as successful, even more so. There's nothing stopping you!!!!
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:21 AM   #7
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I've got two thoughts on this ... one is that I do think we get wrapped up in looking after everyone else and some time later think "holy, what happened to me?"

Another is that horrible terrible responsibility thing .... like Howie mentioned .... at some point we've had to come to the realisation that it was me who did this and it's me who's got to undid this.
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:21 AM   #8
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Hey Robin -

for being half way there. I can't wait to be able to say that for myself.

I don't think that there is anyone who doesn't wonder that same thing. How on EARTH did I let myself get here? I know I do. I'm typically scarfing down a BigMac and fries when I'm pondering that question.... that is SAD, SAD irony, but it really is the truth. My excuse has always been "I'll start tomorrow"..... I remember being 190 pounds (when I was like 19 years old), and swearing to myself that I'd NEVER go above 200..... and here I am today - 240 pounds (260 at my highest the night I went in to have our youngest baby). It's cheaper to cook bad foods.... it costs money to join a gym, it takes time to walk outside..... all the excuses I'd give myself for being fat. But, it's all my fault. I have had all the opportunities in the world to change myself and stop the cycle of weight gain - but never once did I take them.
I am a "food is comforting" victim. Food has been my only friend growing up... but that "only friend" has been the reason, the ONLY reason why I gained weight, and the weight gain caused me more pain, made me become more of a hermit, which made me not talk to people even more than I already didn't, which made me turn to food.... VISCIOUS cycle.... so, now I have to learn that food is not my friend - luckily I have a supportive DH. I've only been doing this seriously for 2 weeks.... I know I have a long road. I am an instant gratification person. If I don't see results NOW, I get frustrated and quit.... but this time, I HAVE to do something different.... it's my life at stake....

So, don't concentrate on the "how did I get here".... concentrate on the "I'm getting the H-E-double hockey sticks outta here"..... you're already halfway there... I don't even know you and I'm proud of you!
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:25 AM   #9
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English Muffin, you posted at the same time as me so I hadn't seen your post.

Yes, I agree. It is GOOD to have these feelings. It will keep us on our toes and hopefully keep us from repeating the previous mistakes we have made. I never, ever want to be 287 lbs again, heck I don't even wanna be the 206 that I am now.

Suan, yup, we most certainly DO get wrapped up in everyone else. But you know what - that's NOT an excuse. I take full responsibility for my actions, I've made the mess - time for me to clean it up. As if there was a choice of someone ELSE cleaning it up. I think not.
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:31 AM   #10
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Okay LondonJulz, now YOU posted as I was posting.

I hear you about the food as a friend aspect. But what is it they say - "With FRIENDS like that, who needs enemies?" And man oh man is it ever a vicious cycle.

I know you are just starting out, and the instant gratifacation thing is hanging over your head. But please, please stick it out - get past these first few weeks. It gets abundantly easier. You will start seeing those results. And though I am no where near goal, I promise, promise you, you don't need to get anywhere near goal to start reaping the benefits. I am already sooo much happier in every single aspect of my life. Hang in there. It is so worth it.
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:47 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockinrobin View Post

Here's the problem, luckily something I don't dwell on too much, but for some reason today I am - How in the world did I allow myself to get into this situation? How did I allow myself to get to 287 lbs at a mere 5 feet tall?
I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but the way I look at it is kind of like driving somewhere. Have you ever left home and arrived at your destination, and don't really remember the drive there? I think getting fat is the same way. We remember when we were at a healthier weight, and we don't really pay attention along the way, but we sure as heck know the moment we arrive. Once we're "there" we don't always keep gaining. That's usually when we realize it's time to turn around and go back.

Congratulations on an amazing accomplishment of 81 pounds lost
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Old 01-15-2007, 09:59 AM   #12
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Oh yes, I've had those exact same feelings. How did someone who's smart get so fat??!!

In fact, when people congratulate me on losing over 100 pounds, I keep thinking "Yes, but I got to the point where I had to LOSE over 100 pounds just to become overweight".

I try not to dwell on it often, and instead USE it. While I may well struggle with my weight for the rest of my life, I don't need to ever go back there (295) again.
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Old 01-15-2007, 10:08 AM   #13
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Never underestimate the power of denial. It's what got us to our high weights and it's always going to be lurking there, ready to sabotage our weight loss efforts.

When I was 257 pounds, I'd occasionally weigh myself and say: 'oh, that can't possbily be right. My scales must be broken' and merrily keep on eating. Or I'd tell myself that I 'carried my weight well' and no one could ever guess my real weight. Or I'd simply refuse to look in the mirror below my neck. On one level - buried deep - I knew what was going on but I absolutely couldn't admit it to myself. Denial!

I never *saw* how big I was until I had lost a lot of weight. When I first looked at the photo that's now my 'before', I was wearing a favorite outfit and thought 'hey, I look pretty good!'. But I was blinded by denial and really couldn't 'see' myself. The funny thing is that my hips got bigger and bigger in the photo as I got smaller and smaller! Now I realize that I wasn't fooling anyone but myself about my true weight.

The power of denial - scary!
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Old 01-15-2007, 10:14 AM   #14
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Wow. Some powerful commentary here. Refering to what Suzanne wrote about hopping in the car and arriving somewhere without noticing the journey... I especially think this is true when you are overeating because we often use excess food to aenesthetize us. We WANT to be numb. We DON'T want to notice. We are just eating from one moment, meal, snack to the next, avoiding FEELING what is happening in life. So, as GirlyGirl said, it is definitely fulfilling a need. To stop this and change it we have to come to a place where we are willing to live in the moment, no matter how painful it is, without the numbing narcotic of food. And the REAL KICKER is, we have to be willing OVER AND OVER again if we are going to lose the weight and keep it off. Weight loss is about a lot more than food and exercise, it is about being willing to address life's everyday stresses without the cushion that we are most familiar with. For me, this is the hardest part. Sure, I can lose weight. I've done it (literally) countless times. But can I deal with life without the joy, pain, drug of food when major stress hits? So far, the answer has usually been no. Robin, the answer to How did I let this happen? seems to be, at least in my case, it was the best I could do (or was willing to do) at the time. But I'm working on changing my 'best' so that as future stresses come, I'm able to handle them differently.

Thanks for getting me thinking.

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Old 01-15-2007, 10:20 AM   #15
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When you are not happy you eat, it fills the void......and the more you do eat, the more you feel hopeless...
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