I AM ACCOUNTABLE TO ONLY ME

Posted zoesmom on May 22nd, 2013 | Filed under life

I’ve come a long way from when my journey first started 10 months ago. Granted, many of those months where miserable, not so much on a dieting stand point, but because I wasn’t able to diet for so many of them due to a serious health issue that nearly took my life (I won’t rehash the story again, lord knows you can probably find it a million times over somewhere on this forum.) During that time, I did a mental check up and had no choice but to own up to my failures and acknowledge that the way I was living wasn’t truly living. It wasn’t until January this year that I could actually physically invest in my health. Today, I finally hit my 50 pounds lost mark. And my journey has still just begun.

I had to realize, in the start especailly, that I had a food addiction. The mental blow that was to me was devistating. Here I am, very OCD and in control over everything…and food was controlling me. I found that I would watch the clock for when I could eat again, even though I wasn’t hungry. I would eat junk, not because it tasted good, but because I felt I had to eat it, eat it or die. I felt that if the food was served, out in front of me, I couldn’t save it or I would just be putting it in the trash later. I had to learn that it was quite the opposite. Whereas there in the begining, when I went out to eat, I would push myself to eat every bite. Now, I alwasy take half home, and I rarely finish what is on my plate. I had to teach myself that. I had to teach myself to have control over food, instead of allowing food to control me. I no longer eat just because there is food around me. I eat because I am hungry.

And my journey has still jsut begun.

Just this morning I was thinking on my way into work, how I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Thinking that my numbers should show significant improvement. How my doctor is going to make mention that she is proud of me. How I am going to get a deep sense of satisfaction from this appointment, more so than I do when I see my other doctor (which is twice a month.) On how, I was looking forward to the visit, something I used to dread. And then it hit me…I am not accountable to those doctors. Sure, I like hearing their praise. I love it in fact. But, I am not accountable to them.

Then, my thoughts progressed…I keep saying that I am losing weight for my daughter’s sake, so she won’t find me nearly dead again. And I am. But she isn’t the primary reason, like I thought she was. She doesn’t hold me accountable for my weight loss. She doesn’t push the food in my mouth, nor does she push the plate away from me. For that matter, no one does. I do. Everyone gives me praise, everyone supports me, everyone cheers me on, but no one can make me accountable. No one but me. I am accountable to me, no one else.

Wow. I just had a major break through. I realized, I am in control. Of food. Of me. Of my weight loss journey. I have no one to blame, I have no one to thank, I have no one I have to be honest with, except for me. Today, I realized that I may still have 100+ pounds to go to be healthy physically, but I am ready mentally. I am there. I used to dread the thought of lose skin. Now, I want it. I don’t care about it anymore. I am in control. Skin be damned. My health matters so much more than a little bit of floppy skin.

Today, I became empowered. Today, I became free. Today, I became accountable to only me. And that is an absolutely amazing feeling.


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