It is 12:45 a.m. and I just finished off a Dannon fruit on the bottom yogurt. One of my special treats. I save them for desperate measures. I didn’t eat outside my food plan, I needed to eat more calories for the day anyway, and my stomach was feeling pretty oogy. I’ve been sitting here watching a movie drinking ginger tea. But nights are the hardest. It is the time when my mind races around thoughts of crackers and cheese, fontina cheese, slices of it, piled on crackers…and ice cream bars….I beat those thoughts off with a mental stick, instead finding something else to do to keep my mind occupied. Unfortunately, I love shopping online, so I’m replacing one bad habit with another. But at least I will look great!. Sigh. And be broke. These addictions will get you one way or another.
Nights are harder because I don’t sleep. I can’t fall asleep, and wake up early, and then am dog tired during the day. It’s awful. It is something to do with my food, I’m almost sure. I’m hoping it adjusts as my body adjusts to my new food schedule. I used to night eat until I got carb unconscious and could literally pass out in my chair. Now, no carbs, no food binges. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!! It’s the most difficult thing I am dealing with!!!!!!!! I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I guess this must be real withdrawal — from food instead of drugs. It’s been weeks since I started on this healthy food plan and now I’m experiencing this. I even bought new bedding on the suggestion of my therapist. I hated the purple set I had on there anyway. Now it’s a pretty patchwork quilt and shams and pillows, in pale greens and golds and blues. Very peaceful. Doesn’t help at all, but it’s an inviting place to lay down at least. Prior to putting the new bedding on, I hadn’t slept in the bed in nearly a year, sleeping in the recliner in the living room, mostly because I found it more comfortable on my back. But it wasn’t good for my legs, causing the swelling to be worse. So now I am in the bed, at least, and as the weight comes off my back will hurt less. I hope.
Nights are the hardest because you are alone with your thoughts in the dark and everything that drives your eating comes rushing in. All the emotional crap that has dumped into your psyche over the course of a lifetime. And so I would swallow it down with food. Now I don’t and it’s still there waiting to come up. Tonight is a hard night. Tomorrow will be better.
OK so I have been admiring other people’s page’s and wondering how they made them look so pretty. I assumed they had all sorts of website knowledge and knew how to build a webpage. Then tonight, I started snooping around on here and discovered the Design tab, and BOOM! I have a new page! How cool is that? Couldn’t be any easier.
It has been several weeks since I have written, the biggest reason for that being that I forgot my password and for some reason the link locked me out when I tried to reset it. So I waited for the administrator to assist me with my troubles and unlock my account so I could get back in.
Let’s see, a lot has happened. I spent 10 days in Chicago with my daughter and the change was really good for me. It’s good for me to be around her, and I like Chicago. While there, however, my eating careened between lots of vegetables and lean protein, and bowls of crackers and cheese. I think I was having my last hurrah before coming back and starting in with all the support systems I had lined up. It was a guilty pleasure, to be sure, but imagine my surprise when I came home and went to my family practice physician and had lost 25 lbs.!!!!!!!!! It didn’t make any sense. No sense at all. So I made them weigh me on a different scale. Same number. What the hell????? The only thing I can figure out is that I was having a lot of trouble with edema in my left leg and it finally went down. That must be how much FLUID I was carrying around! I can say this, it felt better to be rid of it.
Next up I started with my nutritionist. I spent an hour and a half with her, and came away with a boatload of information. I didn’t know how much I didn’t know. I have been a night eater, generally skipping breakfast and lunch and eating from dinnertime into the late night, something which is proving to be a hard habit to break. They sent a packet of information before the appointment and had me keep a food diary for a few days. It was eye opening. I had written down that I loved fresh fruit and vegetables and ate them every day, but when I kept the food diary, all I was eating was meat, dairy, and carbs. No wonder I’m so big. She went over a food plan with me, showing me how to choose foods that make up a balanced diet, eating 4 times a day, within a certain calorie range so that I will lose weight, but not restrict calories too much. So now I keep track of everything that goes into my mouth, what time, how much, how many calories, and total up the calories at the end of the day. My total calories per day are only 1200-1400, based upon my age and the fact that I am not active as I am disabled. I eat a lot of produce now, so I find that those calories can go a long way. She suggested I eat a frozen Lean Cuisine or Chef Steamer meal for lunch, as they are balanced and low in calories ( most of them are under 300 cals.), to make life easier. Good idea. As it is it seems like all I do is prepare food and eat. I was eating cantalope at 11:00 pm last night because I discovered I had not taken in enough calories for the day!
Physical therapy starts next week, and I am looking forward to it. I need to move my back and get it stronger, along with my left leg. My goal for now is to be able to walk to the end of the block and back. It doesn’t sound like much, I know, but it’s a big step. Uhhhh…no pun intended.
I’m finding that, like all of you, all the emotional crap comes up when I’m not busy stuffing my face with carbs late at night. It’s no fun, and I started therapy to deal with it. I also am starting journaling to get out some of the garbage when it comes up.
So, since the very beginning, I have lost a total of 30 lbs. I feel so much better, and while almost all of that is fluid, it was so much better for my health to get that fluid off. I have to wrap my leg every night before bed as it is to keep the swelling down, so it’s good to know it is now under control.
I am away from home, visiting my daughter in Chicago, and when I get back home next week, my new HEALTH plan begins in earnest. I had a serious heart to heart with my rheaumatologist and he referred me to physical therapy, a nutritionist, and I set up an appointment with a psychologist I haven’t seen in 2 years. You see, food issues are not just a diet for me. They are a reflection of a life gone wrong. I was the typical overweight kid, teased in gym by the popular kids, and shy. But when I went away to college I was determined to create a new life for myself away from the small town I grew up in. Then, at 18 I was date raped and sunk into a deep depression. It threw me into a 25 year long struggle with food. I became anorexic almost immediately, losing 50 lbs in just 3 months, eating 30 calories a day. I kept cutting back until most times I was eating only every 3 days or so. My skin was downy, my periods stopped, my bones stuck out, I had constant stomach aches, I shivered relentlessly as I was so cold (I live in Michigan). I kept this up for several years and the doctors tell me it is a miracle my heart did not kill me. Finally my desire and total obsession with food gave in and I discovered bulimia. I thought I had entered a new way of life which enabled me finally to eat hat I wanted and stay thin. Again, I am lucky that the only long lasting effects were loss of some enamel on my teeth. But the torment in my mind cannot be described.
Whether caused by the rape or not, I had begun to show symptoms of bipolar disorder. It went untreated for 30 years. Between the BD and the food issues, I was a mess. Throw in 2 divorces and you have a recipe for disaster.
However, in all that mess, I earned a Master’s degree, and earned a law degree and found my dream job practicing law. And I had my beautiful daughter, a joy to raise. So things weren’t all bad.
Then, 8 years ago, I was raped again. This time I was left bruised and bloody for a week. I spiraled down into another depth of depression deeper than before and attempted suicide twice. I have now been treated for the bipolar disorder, so my mood issues are stable. But my weight has ballooned as a result of the rape to over 250. I just want to hide. I have other health issues related to my weight, arthritis, I have had 9 knee surgeries and repeated knee replacements on my left knee, and I also have spinal stenosis (my spine is narrowing and it moves, pinching my nerve), and lupus. So taking off this weight and dealing with all this baggage isn’t just a diet, it’s a matter of saving my life.
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