Your Summer Dream

I am feeling absolutely rubbish about all of this today. I feel like I have so much stress and worry that I barely have any more mental energy to watch everything I eat and get enough exercise in. I don’t know how I will get all my minutes done this week.

I had my PT session at the gym today and made a total ass out of myself. I felt sweaty, fat and ugly and to top it all off, I had to cut it short because I had to VOMIT. It was so embarrassing. I ran off to the bathroom and the nausea was so uncomfortable. I had to lay on the cold tiles until it went away. I felt so ashamed walking back out into the gym. I know I am not an athlete, but I have been working at it for a while and I didn’t think I would have so much difficulty getting through one session. I haven’t felt like that in years. I could put it down to not having anything to eat, but I feel grumpy and awful and will put it down to being hopeless and unhealthy.

After discovering my “real age” is 10 years older than I am now (after my assessment last week) and my very poor performance this morning, I feel really disheartened. I don’t really know who to talk to about it, but I have to meet the PT again on Friday. Another day, another chance to make an ass out of myself.

I didn’t do quite as well as I thought I would this week, but I did lose just a little.

Last Week: 83.2kg
This Week: 82.5kg
Loss: 0.6kg
Total: 4.7kg

I know I need to keep going with the amount of exercise I have been doing but oh hell, my body feels so tired and so sore all the time. I don’t enjoy it. Ever. I look at the clock constantly. I know this is doing good things for my insides, but it sure hurts on the outside! All I want to do is to get under 82kg by next week, which might be possible, I don’t know. I just want to get back to where I was a couple of months ago and keep on moving in the right direction. I never want to see 83kg ever EVER again.

I have two personal training sessions this week on Wed and Fri (free ones from the gym when I signed up) so maybe that will give me the push in the right direction that I really need at the moment. I’m kind of planning to do those couple of sessions, a couple of days on the equipment and a pump class on Saturday. Maybe?

I went shopping today and bought lots of good snacky things to take out to school, so I’m not tempted by open grill sandwiches at the cafe.  Must be good and save money and bring my own lunch. Mmm, open grill sandwiches. Argh, NO!

The top 5 things I hate about being fat in summer:

5 [with a bullet]) Constant comparison. This place makes me even more self conscious than ever. There are no fat people here. There is no one that looks like me. Every young person wears the exact same uniform: long, blonde hair, tiny singlet (sometimes just a bikini top) and tiny denim cut-offs. Seriously. I feel like a giant monster when I walk around here in a dress and cardigan. I am tired of constantly comparing the size of my legs to theirs, and so on, and so on. I know I shouldn’t do it but goddamn it, they’re everywhere!

4) Swimming. Okay, so I did actually cave and buy swimmers this year, for the first time in over 10 years. I have tried to overcome my fear of the swimming pool. Not scared of the water, just scared of the outfit I have to wear to go in it. At least my swimmers have polka dots, though? Geez it would be nice to not have to quickly hurry to cover myself as soon as I get out of the water.

3) Always having to wear sleeves. Let’s face it, my arms are terrifying. I need to cover them up not just for myself, but to save the eyes of others. But it is hot and tiring to have to wear a cardigan over all of  my summer dresses just to hide the tops of my jiggly arms.

2) Sweating. I think most people get a bit sweaty when it’s hot (and especially humid where I live) but in summer I seem to feel constantly uncomfortable. Sitting on vinyl chairs is the pits. As is the heat-rash I get sometimes. Blargh.

1) Chafing. This drives me absolutely nuts and it is worst on my legs. I even get scaring from this. However, I can’t quite fathom a time when my legs will not touch together in that spot. Can that actually happen?  Is that even possible?

Summer is getting lame, my summer dream right now is for it to be over. Bring on autumn when I can wear tights and cardigans again and not look like a total weirdo.

I know I have to get in 70mins of exercise today, but I have no idea when or how I’m going to have the time to do it with everything I need to get done. My body really wants a day off to rest, but I know I can’t do it until at least Saturday if I’m going to get in the amount of minutes I need to. I’m so desperate to have a good result this week, I’m tired of bouncing around the same 5kgs.

I must admit I’m not nearly as sore as I was last week after my pump class. I’m a little achey, but not in total agony. It was surprising since I was already sore going into the class. Maybe my body is starting to adjust? I still only managed tiny tiny weights throughout the class, but at least I got through it. Well, most of it. I still can’t do ‘the plank’ - how is that even possible to do? I know everyone else in the class can do it, but I can’t fathom being able to do all those things they do while looking pretty and blonde.

Looking forward to a lovely massage this morning. It seems self indulgent, but it sure makes me feel better.

As sad as it is, I think it’s come time to retire my old sneakers. I have had them for 3 years or so, so I’ve been well overdue. Considering I wear them for at least an hour or so every day, they’re my second most worn pair of shoes.

It took 45 minutes but I think I finally found the right ones for my awkward feet. Behold!

Okay, so they’re not that pretty or anything. I liked the other ones I tried on because they looked like space-shoes and were silver and shiny, but I have to be a grown up and choose substance over style. Lame. I wonder when they will make good sneakers that are also kind of pretty and fun to look at?

Anyway, for what they cost, they better make me walk/jog like a superhero at the gym tomorrow!

I’m beginning to think that keeping a blog of my progress might help to keep me staying on track. My old “yoursummerdream” blog never really got used the way it should have because I think I like the idea of anonymity here at 3FC, as well as a lot of other bloggers going through the same types of things.

Just under 2 weeks ago I joined my local gym. I have never been a member of a really big gym before and I have to admit I’m still feeling pretty overwhelmed every time I walk in there. I’m not sure if it’s the time of day that I go, but I never seem to see anyone in there that looks like I do. They all look fit and very tiny already. I really do feel like a gigantic monster when I am there. Giant legs, giant arms.  I am trying not to let my self consciousness stop me from continuing to go, trying to remind myself that no one is looking, but let’s face it, they probably are. I do!

I’ve started with two classes - one Bodyvive class and one pump class a week. I enjoy both of them so far, but they are hard! I’d like to try some more but I don’t know what I am capable of, really. I’d hate to set up in a class and have to leave before it was over. I do those two classes as well as my hour at the gym with my PT. I find the hour goes quicker in the classes, but I do like being able to see how far I have walked/calories burned and listen to music when I am on the tredmill, etc.  Maybe I should try boxing?

Last week after my stressful time, I was only down .2kg. A bit disappointing as I did work hard in the exercise department, but I know I wasn’t as strict about my food as I should have been. Anyway, another week, another chance to make things better.

18/1: 83.2kg

I am really hanging out to lose what I gained over Christmas and finally get below 80kg. This will be a huge moment for me (I literally can’t remember when I weighed under it). I need to prove to myself I can actually, finally DO this. I’m tired of thinking about it, I just want it gone already!