The Life and Times of a Fat Girl (Rated R)

Oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I am so friggan mad at myself. I am SO mad at myself.

Yes, yes Eileen, I know I should learn the ways of the force from you – but today I overdid it by 465 calories. 465! I am so annoyed with myself.

TOM is imminent. Which sucks because there are a few things that happen each time this reaches me. I fight off the crazies. I need the sex (and never get it – which leads to the crazies,) and my face needs stuffing full of food. Which leads me back to something else I can’t have, so the crazies are in full force. So because I can’t get busy, get full or get sane – my day effin’ sucks.

No shit guys, I threw a lean cuisine at Andy’s head tonight, and even though I have never been athletic – I hit him square on the side of the head. He wanted pizza, take out, and I didn’t want to decide. Then I got mad about the lack of booty. Then I started crying. Then I ate the pizza, calculated my calories, and spazzed out again. Then I blogged.

Oh, did I mention because of TOM, the bloating has begun. Three pounds overnight. I almost lost my mind this morning.

The greater victory came when I realized I had been at this diet for about a month and was down just about 18 pounds before the bloating began. If it keeps up at this rate – I should drop 50 pounds by Christmas.

Now, I will leave you guys with some comic relief because knowing how I am right now – I could be in prison tomorrow.

Kill me.

This is my Face on Fat. Please note the amazing round face and the rancid under-chin with the pictures on the left. The Pictures on the right are of me, 14 (above) and 18 (below) pounds lighter

This is my body 18 pounds heavier. Please note the sweet boobs. Also the pear-ness of my love handles. You can find them right around the forearm area. Do you see?

Oh, and the final amazingness? These are my “skinny jeans!!!!” Yeah, couldnt even fit in to them at the beginning of the Summer.

My beginning measurements are as follows:
Bust - 45

Naval - 50

Hip - 62

Thigh - 26

Neck 16.5

Upper Arm 16.5

My NEW measurments are as follows:

Bust - 43 - (-2)

Waist - 49 (-1)

Hip - 54.5 (-7.5)

Thigh - 24 (-2)

Neck - 15 (-1.5)

Upper Arm - 15 (-1.5)

Oops, I did it just once, I ate late at night, I’m back in the game - oh baby, baby.
Yeah, that was Britney.

This is from the forum - but I am posting it here just cause.

I just needed to make a confession. While it may not be the mother-load of confessions that will provoke “ohhh’s and ahhhh’s” from the crowd… I figured we could take mine and roll with the guilt… confess here, one and all.

I did something REALLY dumb today. So I am on my Fitday account, logging those calories, when I checked to see how much some shelled sunflower seeds would be. 728 Calories for the cup of them, I check for 1/2 and 1/4 of a cup and still way too much. I opted for a banana instead. Now, I go to check my allotted calories for dinner and see that I have a really limited number of them left for the day. I kept thinking… what the heck… bah, I will just stick to a 1/2 a cup of rice, some beans and a 1/2 a link of low fat chicken sausage. I added a bit of BBQ sauce and chomped miserably through my meal. Basically - it was a leftover mess from nights before.

I am not food planning - but slowly learning my way through a food log on how to eat what I want but stay in my calorie range. I work on my computer ALL day - so it is working amazingly but….

By nine, I am STARVING. Like, not binging gotta-have-something-in-my-face-or-I-will-die, but tummy growling the whole nine yards. I log back on to remind myself of all my great progress to keep me from eating… and that is when i see it… the damn sunflowers, that I didn’t consume, just sitting on my fitday food log.

I am low on calories for the day. So instead of having one really great satisfying meal when I should have - I went and made myself a pan-fried egg (non stick spray not butter) 3 shaved slices of ham and a piece of reduced fat LOL cheese on high fiber bread - SENDING ME OVER MY CALORIES FOR THE DAY. Mind you - only by like 100 calories, but still…. how annoying is that?

I am so mad at myself for not using my common sense and KNOWING that something was off.

Anyone else got any better ones?

- Paula

Good morning peoples.

So the scale keeps moving, I keep getting there. I am finding myself really becoming inspired by all kinds of music recently. Stuff that I wouldn’t normally call “My Style.”

I ended up watching this Dixie Chicks documentary called “Shut up and Sing” and I had no idea how much I had in common with these women. Just meaning my love of bluegrass and my unwillingness to shut up when I was told to. I really have so much respect for them now and have spent my morning drinking coffee and downloading their music. This whole blog isnt about just about them, so keep reading. ha-ha.
I used to have one song on my Ipod because my mom once told me that it reminded her of me. I think that might have been one of the only nice things she ever said to me. The song is called Wide Open Spaces and it was really the first time I gave the band my full attention. But the more I think about it – she basically was challenging me to find my own way in life. When I did find my own way – and became more than I could have ever pictured myself doing- she hated me for my choices, my ideals, my moral fortitude and my continuous strength to fight against the mistakes she makes. Not that I am self righteous but when you deal with someone who is totally inept of taking any kind of criticism and bettering themselves from it – it makes having that person in your life very, very difficult.

People would rather just tell me I am being dramatic, and categorizing me into that classification of person, than understanding where I am coming from. You get tired of it and throw your hands up. Eventually those people will self-destruct and see you for who you really are – a know it all who is rarely wrong. Living in a family of alcoholics is an M’Fer. Especially when you don’t drink.

I think I mentioned this briefly before – but the world of my family has become totally weird and different. I declared my self-changing strategy. People around me began to compete with me, all joining different diets, telling me about all “the success” that they are having. Not one of them will pay me a compliment. Almost 20 pounds gone and not one paid. Before, when it would have bugged the shit out of me, I just don’t give a frog’s fat ass anymore. I have always been the odd man out and when the weapons were drawn 3 years ago, when my parents decided to force the family on sides when they decided to call it quits – I stood at the forefront waiting to take the bullet for all of them.

So here I sit – filled with holes, and while the rest of them banded together, I am the only one still walking on my own two feet. I follow no one. I take the long road. I may have to learn the hard way from my mistakes and battle to occasional crazy-pants moment, but I still have a better head on my shoulders than most of them do. Someday.. Something really amazing is going to happen to me and as long as I know that – they can all kiss my ass.

Eileen was right, - I’m not broken. I just let the idiots around me force me into Stockholm’s Syndrome – and drag me right down the drain or moronic bullshit with them.

Back on point.

Bluegrass seems a stretch from a kid who has blue hair and piercing in high school. But as I get older I am finding that my tastes in what I listen to are becoming more eclectic – my musical talents are growing. I decided that once the weight is gone I think I am gonna have the balls to finally record my CD. All of those years of music and lyrics tossed into one book. Just collecting dust with no confidence to sing them aloud for the whole world to hear. I was always terrified of being that fat girl singer. Poor Carnie Wilson.

For me this weight loss just means the completion of something. Anything. It has gotten me to write the chapters of my book, finish music, and make my self more stabilized. Looking good nekked is just a bonus.

Q: What happens when Paula doesnt have red meat for years, and years and years and then consumes it?

A: The bathroom trip from hell. I don’t get it - it was insannnneeeely lean.

Changing of plans, change of venue, change of me.

The magic number is 1677 and thus begins my calorie counting.
The funny part about this is that I ate more today – and healthier than I have in weeks. I found myself walking tonight and I just kept going, and going and going and going and going. I ended up walking longer and faster than I have before.

I hoping this will really kick start my weight loss. Guys, I have got to hit that goal by the end of the month or I will lose my mind. I just need to see it. I know I am beginning to sound redundant but it is the only that is can keep myself going.

I missed my goal – under – and only made it to 1563.

But by no means did I starve myself.

I am way pooped but more good news to come tomorrow.

My real post for today lies beneath this one. But you guys need to start watermarking your before and after pictures when you post them on the forum. Why? Read the thread below.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=151067

So….. the weirdest friggan thing happened this morning. So I sit down at my, so-far-from-combobulated-there-could-be-an-alien-life-form-living-on-it-and-I-would-have-no-idea, desk this morning.

There was a picture of me sitting on it. Now, I have no clue how it got there, or even where the friggan picture came from, but, I found it to be really amusing that this picture from the past just appeared out of nowhere. The last time I saw it, it was at the bottom of one of those “I could hide a human body in this sized” rubbermaid containers that I keep all my oldest junk in. It was a picture from 2002, when I was 20 years old with my two best friends at an Olive Garden in Hyannis Ma. I have just lost 60 pounds on WW and at this moment I was off the diet. I am 50 pounds heavier now – than I was then. I think I was about 220 in this photo

I don’t know what to think, many would call it inspiring, but I don’t see it that way. I just see it as a great annoyance because less than 2 months from then i would meet my boyfriend that I am still with. It is really sad to think about it - but I still see myself as the fat one in this picture even though it is 30 pounds away from the lost weight I have now. Scary, Sad, such a long way to go. The girl in the picture is filled with young hope, the ignorance of everything that would come in the years ahead of her. The demise of her family. The abuse suffered in the garage that I once called my room because my mother just got sick of taking it and allowed me to be her scape goat. I have aged so much since that moment and I am realizing how much the past is beginning to be held on my face as a permanent fixture. She has her whole life ahead of her … and the result that is left is sitting here typing this entry. Broken, bloated, depressed. No love, loyalty, friendship left after the divorce. Forced to take care of her baby sister. Forced to play the mind games of people who are so concerned with their own well being that they forgot what it is like to stay together as a team. How did this girl in the picture not break down and just give up? How did she not resort to drinking? Because the food she would force down her throat would ease whatever pain she was in - and the older version is now paying the consequences.

This entry has become a bit melancholy and I apologize for that… there has been a lot of my mind lately, which is making my weight loss an after thought. It could be a good thing because it keeping my mind off of food. Could be a bad thing because my weight loss, as I said to Eileen in a recent comment on her blog, could land me in a prison yard being someone’s bitch as I pump iron on the prison diet.

I guess even the funny fat girl has to have a lapse sometimes.

Oh, and the HTML on this blog can still - eat me.

Okay, so i got kind of pissed last night. Don’t blame the food. Blame my bastard father moving into my living room. 27 years old and I still feel like that fat kid hiding in the garage hoping he doesnt get wasted and pick a fight with me. This is such crap.

The man eats me out of house and home – and when I tell him we are going to have to go and figure out a way to get money for groceries – flat out refuses to give in.  My sisters are useless slag’s. My mother, well, we all know how she is.

I work at home, as I have said about 30 bajillion times before, and the idea of having this asshole meandering around doing NOTHING and just being a total [insert the worst curse word you can find] .

I am filled with anxiety and annoyance, and I am not going to food, which is good. But I am pounding the cigarettes like no one can even imagine. I am losing my mind. I am sitting here looking at the blank screen and I just want to break down.

I usually have a lot of fun with this thing but tonight I am just miserable and sad.

So I will let LOL Catz do my bidding.

You know what, how about not editing our HTML when we try to post something. Or even better why dont you give us control of if we want a YouTube video on this God damn thing.

3 fat chicks, you need to look into this shit. It is totally moronic. It is like a blog for the internet-retarded. Let me add some media on this piece of crap. Not only soccer moms are trying to talk about their weight loss…. there are some tech-savvy 20 something bitches in this cyber land of pound drop-age too.

Well folks i made a You Tube video and a tutorial on how you guys could make a slide show on how to do it for your own blogs, but embedding is refused in the code here.

Totally idiotic.