The Life and Times of a Fat Girl (Rated R)

Oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I am so friggan mad at myself. I am SO mad at myself.

Yes, yes Eileen, I know I should learn the ways of the force from you – but today I overdid it by 465 calories. 465! I am so annoyed with myself.

TOM is imminent. Which sucks because there are a few things that happen each time this reaches me. I fight off the crazies. I need the sex (and never get it – which leads to the crazies,) and my face needs stuffing full of food. Which leads me back to something else I can’t have, so the crazies are in full force. So because I can’t get busy, get full or get sane – my day effin’ sucks.

No shit guys, I threw a lean cuisine at Andy’s head tonight, and even though I have never been athletic – I hit him square on the side of the head. He wanted pizza, take out, and I didn’t want to decide. Then I got mad about the lack of booty. Then I started crying. Then I ate the pizza, calculated my calories, and spazzed out again. Then I blogged.

Oh, did I mention because of TOM, the bloating has begun. Three pounds overnight. I almost lost my mind this morning.

The greater victory came when I realized I had been at this diet for about a month and was down just about 18 pounds before the bloating began. If it keeps up at this rate – I should drop 50 pounds by Christmas.

Now, I will leave you guys with some comic relief because knowing how I am right now – I could be in prison tomorrow.

Kill me.

Oops, I did it just once, I ate late at night, I’m back in the game - oh baby, baby.
Yeah, that was Britney.

This is from the forum - but I am posting it here just cause.

I just needed to make a confession. While it may not be the mother-load of confessions that will provoke “ohhh’s and ahhhh’s” from the crowd… I figured we could take mine and roll with the guilt… confess here, one and all.

I did something REALLY dumb today. So I am on my Fitday account, logging those calories, when I checked to see how much some shelled sunflower seeds would be. 728 Calories for the cup of them, I check for 1/2 and 1/4 of a cup and still way too much. I opted for a banana instead. Now, I go to check my allotted calories for dinner and see that I have a really limited number of them left for the day. I kept thinking… what the heck… bah, I will just stick to a 1/2 a cup of rice, some beans and a 1/2 a link of low fat chicken sausage. I added a bit of BBQ sauce and chomped miserably through my meal. Basically - it was a leftover mess from nights before.

I am not food planning - but slowly learning my way through a food log on how to eat what I want but stay in my calorie range. I work on my computer ALL day - so it is working amazingly but….

By nine, I am STARVING. Like, not binging gotta-have-something-in-my-face-or-I-will-die, but tummy growling the whole nine yards. I log back on to remind myself of all my great progress to keep me from eating… and that is when i see it… the damn sunflowers, that I didn’t consume, just sitting on my fitday food log.

I am low on calories for the day. So instead of having one really great satisfying meal when I should have - I went and made myself a pan-fried egg (non stick spray not butter) 3 shaved slices of ham and a piece of reduced fat LOL cheese on high fiber bread - SENDING ME OVER MY CALORIES FOR THE DAY. Mind you - only by like 100 calories, but still…. how annoying is that?

I am so mad at myself for not using my common sense and KNOWING that something was off.

Anyone else got any better ones?

- Paula

Q: What happens when Paula doesnt have red meat for years, and years and years and then consumes it?

A: The bathroom trip from hell. I don’t get it - it was insannnneeeely lean.

Changing of plans, change of venue, change of me.

The magic number is 1677 and thus begins my calorie counting.
The funny part about this is that I ate more today – and healthier than I have in weeks. I found myself walking tonight and I just kept going, and going and going and going and going. I ended up walking longer and faster than I have before.

I hoping this will really kick start my weight loss. Guys, I have got to hit that goal by the end of the month or I will lose my mind. I just need to see it. I know I am beginning to sound redundant but it is the only that is can keep myself going.

I missed my goal – under – and only made it to 1563.

But by no means did I starve myself.

I am way pooped but more good news to come tomorrow.

My real post for today lies beneath this one. But you guys need to start watermarking your before and after pictures when you post them on the forum. Why? Read the thread below.

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=151067

You know what, how about not editing our HTML when we try to post something. Or even better why dont you give us control of if we want a YouTube video on this God damn thing.

3 fat chicks, you need to look into this shit. It is totally moronic. It is like a blog for the internet-retarded. Let me add some media on this piece of crap. Not only soccer moms are trying to talk about their weight loss…. there are some tech-savvy 20 something bitches in this cyber land of pound drop-age too.

Well folks i made a You Tube video and a tutorial on how you guys could make a slide show on how to do it for your own blogs, but embedding is refused in the code here.

Totally idiotic.

244.2 BITCHES!

That’s right.  Overnight I went from Morbid to just Obese.
I am aware how morbid in humor that sounds but it is amazing… just amazing.

I am gonna take some pictures tonight and form my first before and after collage.

I love you guys, I love you guys, I love you guys.

Dear Hanna,

Why you gots to be ruining on my fitness mojo with your 70MPH winds, rain and the occasional tornado?  Hm? Yeah, great. No walking for me.

So there was this joke that this (other) fat kid I knew once told me…

Q:What do fat people do in the summer time?

A: Stink.

Well, that is what happened to me today, when we Yanks suffered the highest humidity levels we have had in 3 years. The air was not moving, and the Jimmy Buffet CD title, Barometer Soup, became so true I felt like just walking around I was doing laps in a pool. Andy and I turned the air conditioning on last night, calling it the “sub-artic last hurrah” of the summer. I walked out of my bedroom this morning and the only thing that could come out of my mouth was “UGGGGGGGGGH.”

The AC has been on all day and I spent the majority of the afternoon playing mandolin (badly, it is a lefty instrument and I am a righty in every other instrument I play, so the mandolin is played upside down in my instance) My point is the AC gives me a hell of a migraine and so I spent the whole day in these lame sunglasses. It saves me from the nausea. Fat girl in boxers and a tank, in aviator shades, playing an instrument upside down that is too small for anyone – hotness.

Good thing my dog loves me.

I just feel so trapped inside and wish the weather would cease. It just makes me even more nervous for the coming winter months and I really hope I get some kind of equipment in my house for those days when it is too cold for walking outdoors. I don’t want to become lethargic when facing those winter blues

Walking down the beach in the last weekend of a long summer. My legs hurt, my dogs are pulling me faster and I just keep thinking about the grains of sand embedded in my thighs and the impending rash that will result from them. I wade into the water to try to get rid of the substance and the bottoms of my shorts get soaked, begin to fall down, exposing my stomach.

I just sat there, staring at the waves rolling in, wondering what the hell I got myself into being 270 pounds. I wish I could say I remember the days when being at the beach at sunset made you feel beautiful but in this moment in time I feel frumpy and hopeless. 130 pounds seems so far away. The idea of being able to wear a bathing suit that doesn’t ride up or expose me would be one of the greatest accomplishments. Just to be able to wear a suit under normal clothes. To take those clothes off and wear the suit and not have to sit in the car soaking wet and itchy because I am too ashamed to remove my clothes in public.
I am in this personal war with myself these past few weeks. I am not giving up by any means but the frustrations that come with dieting, losing pounds one week, not losing the next, working harder only to level the scale when you stand on it, is really getting to me.

I know it is ignorant to expect change over night. But I feel like I am not making the progress I should be. Because of that I am being stricter on myself, which might be doing more damage than it is good.

I am looking at it as an addiction. But what the sick sad part is that with a drug addict – there is a clear line – that you can’t have that substance. With overeating – you have to have that “drug” in order to survive but you have to take it in moderation. You have to deal with the food commercials jammed in your face ever minute of every day. You can change the channel, or go for a walk but the billboards haunt you. It is everywhere.

I know I have the problem and I know I am going to fix it but the journey is becoming more distracting and more torturous as the weeks turn into months. It has taken over my mind frame and the battle is all I can think about.

The things that don’t kill you will only make you stronger – but what if what is supposed to make you stronger is killing you?

Well, I succeeded today in humiliating myself.

My mom called at about 3 p.m. and said that she had bought me a bicycle. I was pretty surprised because usually she is a banshee who loves to rain on my parade and is just queen of killing any kind of good mood I am in. So I was all gung-ho about sucking down the fresh air and beginning my first day of intense activity.

So, off I went on my new bike, around the corner and felt so amazing until the incline started and kept going for the next hour. In five minutes I was starting to sweat. I began to get concerned about my butt swallowing the seat and the people driving by me wondering what I was doing and how terrible I looked. I was almost out of breath. Almost a mile uphill. My heart was pounding. I was getting dizzy. I see another small hill and I almost started to cry. I decide to get off my bike and pretend to adjust my seat as a truck filled with guys approached.

That is when my legs give out from under me and I hit the ground and the bike collapses on me.

I sat there for a minute and was bordering on screaming and I wondered what the hell I was thinking for those years and years as I ate and ate and ate and sat down and remained inactive. I wasn’t giving up… I was furious. I mean just plain and excruciating anger. If someone had stopped and asked me how I was I would have decked them in the face.

My heart was pounding and my hat was filled with sweat. As I decided to trek back to my house I could barely peddle.  I was spitting mad when I finally made my way into my house. My dogs jumped on me and I yelled at them. I stormed around my house kicking doors and piles of laundry. I drank water and then puked it up. Then I sat on my floor.

I didn’t cry until my dogs came and lay on my lap – they obviously knew I was upset and attempting to comfort me in true doggy fashion.

How the crap did I let this happen to me. How could I have been so complacent for all of these years?

I am still fully motivated because any kind of experience like the one I had today is either going to make you or break you… but the lengths of how guilt ridden and pissed off I am at myself is infinite.

I want the weight gone and I want it gone now. I swear to god if I can’t make it up that hill by the end of the month… I am going to have to take a cardio beat down class to lay out some kind of punching bag.