The Life and Times of a Fat Girl (Rated R)

Frustrated, annoyed and just down right miserable.

Here, I sit. Popped up in bed and bordering on terrified because of something that happened more than two years ago. My back hurts, and not just hurts but has rendered me useless. I can barely walk. You should see me even try to get out of bed.

I slipped two discs in my neck two years ago, and without having a health insurance, I waited until I wasn’t sleeping for weeks at a time to finally seek medical help. Three trips to the ER and each time I was treated like a drug shopper. (Someone who claims to have a medical issue just to get a fix.) After finally breaking down – they sent me in for a cat scan. I was then rushed into Boston for emergency surgery – put on morphine – and once it was decided that the nerve damage wasn’t as extreme as they thought – sent home and put on bed rest with steroids, narcotics and sleeping medication. I have only had once lapse in my neck since that week. But the fear came back in full force two nights ago when my lower back began to spasm. The pain and the idea of it cause an anxiety in me that rivals that of someone walking to the gallows.

I have no idea how it happened but I feel my weight has caused all these issues that leave me in so much pain I am rendered useless.   My initial injury came from the strain on my neck while sitting tilted at my desk while looking at the computer screen.

I don’t want to think that these back issues are going to continue and lead me to the hospital again.

I’m not going into panic mode and using it as an excuse to chow down. I have barely eaten. But I have no ability to exercise, no ability to control my meals, not willing to even register my calorie intake – probably for the reason of how much coffee can I drink isn’t really in my favor of the side of nutrition.  I haven’t pooped in two days. I am also on my period and the basic hygiene of that is like trying to manually pull my toenails out with a pair of pliers. I sneezed a few minutes ago and started crying.

Andy has been patient with me but having a man take care of you is like asking him to give you a kidney.

I also applied for a job co editing a paranormal magazine based on the show Ghost Hunters. I am over qualified but right now it is my only light at the end of a possibly long recovery.