The Life and Times of a Fat Girl (Rated R)

Okay, so my blog has seemingly flown by the wayside. I am going to have to ask for forgivness for the simple reason of using Eileen’s name in just about all my postings recently.

Oh, I am so going there… COME ON EILEEN, OHHHHH I AM DOWN ON MY KNEES, AT THIS MOOOOMENT YOU MEAN EVVVVERRYTHING. Okay, I am done and very sorry because I am sure anyone with that name probably wants to find Dexy and his Midnight Runners and kill them. I know I do, and my name is Paula.

So, I am down to 247 and that is awesome. So i figured it was about time to reward myself for all my hard work? Right? Wrong. I did the stupidest thing I could have as far as Goal Rewards and am still paying for it.

Oh, and those of you who stumble upon this website and don’t think poop humor is as funny as me - Sod Off. I gave this website a Rated R for a reason. If you look closely you will notice that it is joke poop in a joke shop. Oh, and take this:

So, I had a chalupa, some of those KFC fry things and a taco - oh, oh and the big one - non diet soda ( But i totally weinered out and got a sprite) Let me tell you folks - it tasted like golden hay in my mouth. So delicious. Sarah says that she is proud of me for dropping my Diet Nazi mentality for an evening and letting lose. But man, am I paying for it today. Let me know when I hit the TMI. haha.

Also - these pants fit at the beginning of my diet. Haha. No thanks to Taco Bell! Please ignore my messy house - 2 weeks of a bum back makes that happen.

Are you there Eileen? It’s me, Paula. Below is the mental picture I had of Eileen when she saw that I hadn’t blogged in four days… and reminded me of it. lmfao.

Yes, folks I am still alive. Thanks to Eileen who reminded me how I had neglected this thing for four days.  I kind of went on a bender this weekend, which was both stupid and childish. I just had this hankering to get drunk and watch Star Trek. I go through these moods where I just like to drop off the face of the earth for a while. I even shut my phone off for 3 days and just wanted to be left alone.

What I then discovered during my ½ a bottle of rum is how quickly those calories take to tack on to your ass. I gained three pounds over the weekend and I even measured my calories with drinking. So lame. SO lame.

The worst part about the drinking lesson from this past weekend is that I have the New Kids on the Block concert this weekend with my friends and low and behold – we are getting wasted before going. I even made a T-shirt that says I heart Danny’s Wood.

I am not really sure what you guys know about empty calories and the gaining of weight but any advice you can throw my way would be most appreciated.

I believe my change in mood and despondence came from the fact that I kicked my dad out of my house. Andy was screaming at me and just being a lousy human being last week – he goes to work. Dad comes out and starts on me, and people, I lost my effing mind. I will go into more details later but I think I am gonna head into the tub to soak. My back is still bothering me and causing some big nerve to shoot pain down my knee.

I have dropped my calorie intake by twenty and need to see 148 or 147 within the week. Need it. Need it. Need it.

EDIT - SARAH SAYS - “If you figure out how to drop 110 in 3 days please god tell me” ( I meant to say 247 or 248 LOL)

I also met a really good new friend named Sarah on this crazy site… she is like my hetero-internet-soul mate. Here is a snippet of a conversation we had today about cupcakes.

Sarah - so my friend got a new book today
how to make cupcakes
like awesome cupcakes
just great

Paula - wow, that is cruel.  omg
i need candy
I would blow a child’s face off with a grenade launcher for frosting right now.

Sarah - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA
IM ABOUT TO PEE MY PANTS
AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHA

Oh, and also later on I will be telling you guys about my supercalafragalisticexpialiNSV.

But like I said.. bath. Lol.

Before (first ones) After (second ones)

I will be honest with you guys, I probably didnt pick the best outfit to rock out to… I don’t see much of a difference in these….i mean, i know that the pants are hella baggy on me… and the shirt isnt tight… but I am kinda bummed about the pictures… I can sorta see it because I know where to look….

But I am all about the honesty so I guess I lost 20 pounds of ass and face.. my measurments are as follows.

My beginning measurements are as follows:
Bust - 45

Naval - 50

Hip - 62

Thigh - 26

Neck 16.5

Upper Arm 16.5

My NEW measurements are as follows:

Bust - 42 - (-3)

Waist - 48 (-2)

Hip - 51 (-11.5) (dude, 11 friggan inches is like, almost a ruler)

Thigh - 23 (-3)

Neck - 15 (-1.5) (no change this week)

Upper Arm - 15 (-1.5) (No change this week)

Okay, so that adds up to a total of 22.5 inches lost and a total of 22 pounds gone… per-ity neat if you ask me. I just wish it showed in the pictures. Eh, screw it. I am sure it will be worth it when I drop 40. I just think the pictures in the same outfit really do speak volumes and I am gonna keep it up.

and my God Daughter was born yesterday afternoon at 3:18 p.m. Isabella “Izzie” Eden Light weighed in at 2 pounds 12 ounces. She is breathing on her own… and while I look like ass in this picture - i received about 15 compliments between posting it and this morning about my weight. I guess people know better than me! Thinking of it now…. i dropped what she weighs off my ass last week…. ponder on and discuss.

Oh boy, Oh boy.

I am still holed up in bed, but managed to make it to a governmental meeting tonight even though I was in ruthless amounts of pain. Pretty amusing when the Mayor tells everyone in town how you look like you have lost weight.

Mayor “How much weight is it Paula,”

Paula “20 pounds sir,”

Mayor “You look fabulous!”

Paula *turning purple* “Thanks, now maybe I can find me a rich husband and not have to sit in this uncomfy chair.” 50 people laugh at my joke. I look over and realize the TV camera is on me.

What people don’t know is that I consider this guy to be my gay husband and while I shouldn’t be friends with a politician – I love this dude. So Eileen, I got my first compliment. On public television no less. Hehe.

Now, I have this really bizarre belief and no matter how much I try – I can tell you when the moon is full. Not because I turn into a werewolf and snatch children out of their cribs – but because 4 times out of the year things get really bad. Really, really bad. I believe that it has to due with my sign, or signs as I am a Cancer/Gemini. Three personalities I could be.

For example:
I get TOM.
My father decides to heckle me for my food choices (I wanted pizza for the first time in a friggan month) after eating my food for free and loafing on my couch. I hate him.
I throw my back out and have been bed ridden for three days now.
My best friend, who is pregnant with my first God Child, goes into labor three months early and now we aren’t sure if baby Izzie is going to make it. I am picking up my friends daughter tomorrow, after fighting her grandmother because the 16 year old wont be able to focus on school tomorrow, and going to let her hang out in bed with me for the day.
I then get to battle Boston traffic to go and visit my best friend who is scared shitless for her baby.

So I am really looking forward to things to stabilize. I know through my gut that the baby is going to live. I just think that she is going to have a very long road head of her.

Frustrated, annoyed and just down right miserable.

Here, I sit. Popped up in bed and bordering on terrified because of something that happened more than two years ago. My back hurts, and not just hurts but has rendered me useless. I can barely walk. You should see me even try to get out of bed.

I slipped two discs in my neck two years ago, and without having a health insurance, I waited until I wasn’t sleeping for weeks at a time to finally seek medical help. Three trips to the ER and each time I was treated like a drug shopper. (Someone who claims to have a medical issue just to get a fix.) After finally breaking down – they sent me in for a cat scan. I was then rushed into Boston for emergency surgery – put on morphine – and once it was decided that the nerve damage wasn’t as extreme as they thought – sent home and put on bed rest with steroids, narcotics and sleeping medication. I have only had once lapse in my neck since that week. But the fear came back in full force two nights ago when my lower back began to spasm. The pain and the idea of it cause an anxiety in me that rivals that of someone walking to the gallows.

I have no idea how it happened but I feel my weight has caused all these issues that leave me in so much pain I am rendered useless.   My initial injury came from the strain on my neck while sitting tilted at my desk while looking at the computer screen.

I don’t want to think that these back issues are going to continue and lead me to the hospital again.

I’m not going into panic mode and using it as an excuse to chow down. I have barely eaten. But I have no ability to exercise, no ability to control my meals, not willing to even register my calorie intake – probably for the reason of how much coffee can I drink isn’t really in my favor of the side of nutrition.  I haven’t pooped in two days. I am also on my period and the basic hygiene of that is like trying to manually pull my toenails out with a pair of pliers. I sneezed a few minutes ago and started crying.

Andy has been patient with me but having a man take care of you is like asking him to give you a kidney.

I also applied for a job co editing a paranormal magazine based on the show Ghost Hunters. I am over qualified but right now it is my only light at the end of a possibly long recovery.

Oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I am so friggan mad at myself. I am SO mad at myself.

Yes, yes Eileen, I know I should learn the ways of the force from you – but today I overdid it by 465 calories. 465! I am so annoyed with myself.

TOM is imminent. Which sucks because there are a few things that happen each time this reaches me. I fight off the crazies. I need the sex (and never get it – which leads to the crazies,) and my face needs stuffing full of food. Which leads me back to something else I can’t have, so the crazies are in full force. So because I can’t get busy, get full or get sane – my day effin’ sucks.

No shit guys, I threw a lean cuisine at Andy’s head tonight, and even though I have never been athletic – I hit him square on the side of the head. He wanted pizza, take out, and I didn’t want to decide. Then I got mad about the lack of booty. Then I started crying. Then I ate the pizza, calculated my calories, and spazzed out again. Then I blogged.

Oh, did I mention because of TOM, the bloating has begun. Three pounds overnight. I almost lost my mind this morning.

The greater victory came when I realized I had been at this diet for about a month and was down just about 18 pounds before the bloating began. If it keeps up at this rate – I should drop 50 pounds by Christmas.

Now, I will leave you guys with some comic relief because knowing how I am right now – I could be in prison tomorrow.

Kill me.

This is my Face on Fat. Please note the amazing round face and the rancid under-chin with the pictures on the left. The Pictures on the right are of me, 14 (above) and 18 (below) pounds lighter

This is my body 18 pounds heavier. Please note the sweet boobs. Also the pear-ness of my love handles. You can find them right around the forearm area. Do you see?

Oh, and the final amazingness? These are my “skinny jeans!!!!” Yeah, couldnt even fit in to them at the beginning of the Summer.

My beginning measurements are as follows:
Bust - 45

Naval - 50

Hip - 62

Thigh - 26

Neck 16.5

Upper Arm 16.5

My NEW measurments are as follows:

Bust - 43 - (-2)

Waist - 49 (-1)

Hip - 54.5 (-7.5)

Thigh - 24 (-2)

Neck - 15 (-1.5)

Upper Arm - 15 (-1.5)

Oops, I did it just once, I ate late at night, I’m back in the game - oh baby, baby.
Yeah, that was Britney.

This is from the forum - but I am posting it here just cause.

I just needed to make a confession. While it may not be the mother-load of confessions that will provoke “ohhh’s and ahhhh’s” from the crowd… I figured we could take mine and roll with the guilt… confess here, one and all.

I did something REALLY dumb today. So I am on my Fitday account, logging those calories, when I checked to see how much some shelled sunflower seeds would be. 728 Calories for the cup of them, I check for 1/2 and 1/4 of a cup and still way too much. I opted for a banana instead. Now, I go to check my allotted calories for dinner and see that I have a really limited number of them left for the day. I kept thinking… what the heck… bah, I will just stick to a 1/2 a cup of rice, some beans and a 1/2 a link of low fat chicken sausage. I added a bit of BBQ sauce and chomped miserably through my meal. Basically - it was a leftover mess from nights before.

I am not food planning - but slowly learning my way through a food log on how to eat what I want but stay in my calorie range. I work on my computer ALL day - so it is working amazingly but….

By nine, I am STARVING. Like, not binging gotta-have-something-in-my-face-or-I-will-die, but tummy growling the whole nine yards. I log back on to remind myself of all my great progress to keep me from eating… and that is when i see it… the damn sunflowers, that I didn’t consume, just sitting on my fitday food log.

I am low on calories for the day. So instead of having one really great satisfying meal when I should have - I went and made myself a pan-fried egg (non stick spray not butter) 3 shaved slices of ham and a piece of reduced fat LOL cheese on high fiber bread - SENDING ME OVER MY CALORIES FOR THE DAY. Mind you - only by like 100 calories, but still…. how annoying is that?

I am so mad at myself for not using my common sense and KNOWING that something was off.

Anyone else got any better ones?

- Paula