wonder woman vs the cupcake

I have been spot on plan for the past three days. Hardcore workouts and no crap eating. I feel like I did 3 years ago when I was focused on loosing and I already lost 4lbs this week. i haven’t done anything but gain since August. I know it’s only been three days but I’m so UP right now I can’t help but go on and on about it.

I downloaded an app called My Fitness Pal for my iPhone and have been tracking my progress on there and I have to say its the best app I have come across yet. It has every food known to man in its database thingy. You just tell it you stats and your goals and it tells you how many calories you are allowed a day. if you workout more you get allotted more calories based on your goals and progress.

I have to say I feel it right down to my core, that this is it. This is my time. i feel it so much I find my self bubbling over with cliches like “first day of the rest of your life” “I don’t quit when I’m tired Ill quit when I’m done” “This is life not a dress rehearsal”. But its all true and I need to remember that. Anyway just had to jump on and gush a little. I’m off to work now it’s a busy week and I’m finding it hard to find the time to blog. But the effort must be made, anything that might help keep me on this track I’m on!

Last night I worked with two VERY skinny ladies. Nice ladies, sweetest ever but little. I had one of those Body By Vi shakes for supper while everyone else was having the baked mac and cheese that I made for them. So of course I got what are you drinking? Oh are you trying to loose weight? Do they work? And I sort of feel like I defending myself whenever I have this conversation with people.I get “well what meals do you eat?” and “will the weight come back on after your diet?” (NOT on a diet thanks, but ya it would if I went back to the way I ate to gain the weight in the first place duh!) AND THEN I get “I need to start going to the gym” ” I have to loose a few pounds” “I’m looking puffy, do I look puffy to you?”

Now neither of these ladies have like rock hard abs and they have had kids so the have those tiny cute little love handles so I know what they are saying and I know their questions are will intended and not condescending at all but I cant help but instinctively feel it in my chubby little heart that they are. But that’s just me I guess. I’ve always been super self conscious and had a wicked low self esteem. And none of that is from being fat or at least it didn’t start out that way because I has never overweight as a child or a teenager. I didn’t get fat until I had kids. But I have to say I think it’s because I’m weird and people never really get me. I mean my core group of friends growing up was the popular kids but I went through phases where I hung around other kids from other schools and was given a hard time about it. In  the end I stopped having the more popular friends. And by then I was a bit out of control. Not to mention any friend that I have had as an adult has turned out to be untrustworthy and a huge disappointment. So I tend not to trust people. Especially skinny people…that I suppose is from being fat.

For the love of Pete! (whoever Pete is) I just can’t seem to commit completely! i didn’t finish my workout the last two days and I had a Donair for supper last night. And if you aren’t from Canada, or Nova Scotia for that matter you probably don’t know what a Donair is. Here in Nova Scotia (particularly my county) a Donair is as common as pizza, perhaps more so. Everyone knows what they are and everyone loves them but they are possibly the most UNHEALTHY food on the planet! It’s basically a pita with onions, tomato, and Donair meat. Donair meat is a spiced, greasy meat brick on a rotisserie type thingy that is similar to…..well nothing I can think of. then it’s topped off with Donair sauce, which is like a garlic sauce made with sweetened condensed milk and ….I dunno what else but we put that shit on everything that comes out of a pizza joint! Now normally its all rolled up in the pita…but over the years they have gotten so big that they can’t be eaten as origionaly intended much like a burrito. They have to be set on a large dinner plate and dismantled slowly with knife and fork. Then there is the Donair pizza and the Donair burger. Its never ending. The pizza places here are even called Pizza and Donair shopps! I kid you not.

So that’s what I had for supper last night. I couldn’t even fathom the calorie or fat content of that sucker but I know it’s not good. And instantly you go from feeling like “mmmm   mmmm oh this is sooo good” to “oh God help me I think I need my stomach pumped, what have I done? what……have I done?”. Then the morning after, cuz you always eat these stupid things late at night when you havent had supper by like 8pm and your starving, the next day you wake up with a Donair hangover. You can basically still taste it. And if there were any leftovers you imediately have to get them out of the house because the whole damn kitchen smells like them.

Now I have to try to work out extra hard. And try to stay on plan so strictly today. It could take a week to make up for this. All too often this is the type of thing that would make me give up completely for a week or more. I feel like “whats the point?” but not today. I am trying a new approach. It’s been a month since I started to “try” again. And although my bad habits are not all but gone I have come a long way.  So I have to keep on keeping on. I have to believe that I will  get the hang of this and I will get it right. i don’t want to die a fat person, its as simple as that. And if working out sometimes but not enough and eating ok most of the time but not all the time is the best I can do right now then its what ill do. Its what will keep me from getting bigger for now. That’s just how i see it today.

So I have been thinking. You know how some websites you can log in and fill in your weight and height, then your goal weight and how many calories you plan to intake and the types of exercise you plan to do and it gives you an accurate estimate of how long it should take you to reach your goal. So I wonder what would happen If I just put Wonder Woman as my goal. Do you think it would give me an accurate estimate on how long it would take me to achieve such a goal?

All joking aside this would be a pretty accurate description of what I want to look like. I’m not interested in being skinny. I want muscles and curves. I want to be strong…not just physically, I suppose that’s why I like her so much. She implies strength both physical and mental. And she’s a hot brunette like my self…..so, obviously…

Today is going to be either super easy or very difficult. It’s the day before payday which for a family of 6 with one income is “eat whats left” day. now I do have the Body by Vi shakes so I could do that for lunch and supper since I had oatmeal AGAIN for breakfast but I feel like replacing one meal with a shake is about the best I can do right now. I feel like I am being deprived some how by not actually eating.

Yesterday’s workout was great. I am getting so much better at my elliptical (which is more of a recumbent bike without a seat different from the elliptical they have at the gym). My treadmill, I think, is ready for its dirt nap however. The belt keeps skipping and combined with my lack of grace its a formula for disaster. That being said I need a mix up for my cardio. With this much weight to loose I need lots. Between my heavy bag and elliptical I feel like that treadmill was the nice trade off. I get bored easily and walking IS my favorite. “Well just head outside” you may say. But I live in Nova Scotia and our weather is less than predictable this time of year. I can go a whole week with clear sidewalks and mildish weather (anything above freezing) and then we get 15cm of snow overnight. Two days later rain and the snow is gone and walking can commence. So until spring its a little tricky.

I think I may go takeover my mom’s workout room. She’s got it all and uses none of it. Like having a free gym membership, you just have to remember to let the dog out to pee before you go. So I’ll just grab my cape and head over there          ;)

Not entirely sure if reminiscing is the word that’s most appropriate here but they both start with the letter R making my title look cooler (that’s what its all about right). I read a very insightful post on 3FC today about regaining weight. It talked about distraction, denial, and “do-it-later”. I totally relate to this post. Once loosing weight becomes less exciting and more routine you easily get distracted and forget to be quite so diligent. Then you start to gain but if you are like me and have lost near 100lbs the gain of 10lbs is not so noticeable and easily deniable. Then once you accept the fact that your cloths don’t fit and your ass IS getting bigger you think “hey I lost xxlbs i can easily loose this little bit…later, once things settle down or blah blah blah”.

That’s how it happened to me, step by step. And now here I am 226lbs. 25lbs farther away from my goal then i was 2 years ago. But that doesn’t mean I am defeated! It just means I need to smarten up and pay more attention. No more being arrogant about weight loss. I need to just do it as Nike would say. There is a funny thing that happens inside my own brain that always baffled me. I know that its not ok to eat that 3rd cookie at work. I know I need to workout for an hour a day. I know I need to limit my eating at night and make a conscious effort to eat during the day….but all too often i don’t. I cut my workout short and think I’ll workout longer tomorrow. I eat junkey food at midnight. I get to supper time and realize I’m starving because I didn’t eat all day. I grab ANOTHER cookie while cooking at work when I know I should not have eaten the first one.

I do all these things and after I think “why did I do that? I know better” I do not understand how my own mind can betray me like that. I feel so focused and confident and I know what I want and need to do and hours later I can consciously think “eh, maybe not”. Its probably the most infuriating part of loosing weight. It makes me feel out of control. Like I don’t have a grip on my own mind. I thought it was bad that I can’t get my kids to listen to me but if I can’t listen to myself what hope do I have?

They say 21 days of something makes it a habit. So I’m trying to get that under my belt. 21 days of on plan good eating and working out. Its getting better. I mean I have gone from basically all bad choices to more good than bad. And the percentage is gaining in the favor of healthy so that keeps me optimistic. On that note I’m off to work my optimistic butt off…..good choice.

It has been a couple of weeks in a row now that i have been trying to adhere to some sort of plan. The more day I have under my belt the less terrible it feels. I mean I’m not saying I am where I need to be but i have come a long way in this short period of time. Especially with my workouts and especially the past 4 days. I feel more positive about the outcomes and i push my self to hang in there longer.

Someone mentioned to me I should count calories. but i don’t think I’m there yet. I mean I could easily slip and have a huuuuge calorie snack and then end up starving the rest of the day or I’d panic about evening things out at the end of the day. i think I should start off by trying to eliminate all the super crappy processed, high fat, high sugar, fast foods out of my diet. Then once I’m eating a better quality of food I can make some sort of structure out of it. I have never been known to over eat on healthy food…just sayin’.

Something that I am going to have to really figure out is what and how to eat when working shift work. i mean if I am up at 7am and not asleep untill 24 hours later after a night shift do I eat as much as I would in 2 days or do I have to ration it out and make it last the 24 hours regardless of my ravenous tummy screaming at me? Trial and error and maybe I’ll make a post about it on 3FC and see what the ladies and gent there come up with.

Random side note….wish to God I knew how to customize this blog cuz I don’t think any of them are ME. and I’m a lady who likes to stand out, i love my individuality.

Yesterday I started a new position at work. We have a main building where our clients live, then three new homes also on the property and then there are the three homes out in the community. I was awarded a part time position at one of these homes. (yay which means I’m not a fly by night casual anymore) So I had orientation to meet the staff and clients there. As part of my orientation we got to take a few of the clients ice skating. FUN right? Well leme say i haven’t been skating in 2 years, leme also say 2 years ago i wasn’t a great skater. What a workout! My legs were quivering my butt hurt, by abs are screaming. My lbs per square inch ration was all messed up.

After an hour and a half of skating I come home and make a hamburg macaroni casserole for supper and eat like 6 ice cream sandwiches for desert. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! Like, one or two I can see as being weak willed or even try to falsely justify it as deserving after such a hard workout……but 6. Me thinks not!

This is the same problem I have always struggled with even when I was loosing. I can workout like a boss, even eat like a champ all day….the evening turns me into a mindless munching machine. Its insanity. If there is such a thing I would say I have an addiction to food. Not just any ol food either. Its sweets like cake and ice cream, and super high fat foods like sour cream nacho dip and chip dip and tacos smothered in sour cream. Do ya see what I’m saying here.

I have gone periods of time without eating like this. Two or three weeks, and that is usually when the loosing starts. I slowly start eating the foods I love again. In smaller portions and way less often. Its almost like I need to detox from crappy food. I just cant remember how I managed to do it before its been so long. Is it possible I just….stopped. Like just made the decision to do it and did it? I dunno sounds hard. (insert sarcasm here….worst part about blogging is my inability to convey my sarcasm in its full form)

So this morning I wake up sore everywhere (you know the sign of a really great workout) and a tummy ache (you know the sign of a really bad pig out session). terrible combination I have to say. Part of me wants to say yesterday was a success because I did have an awesome workout. the other part wants to rule it as a complete failure because any progress I would have made I ruined with ice cream sandwiches and pasta. i guess I’ll just have to call it yesterday and do better today. Really its all I can do. I guess that’s where that one day at a time thing comes into play. You cant go back and undo what you have done, in any part of your life. you just have to pick your ass up off the floor and move along and don’t stop doing that every day. And I have to believe I will get this eventually otherwise what is the point.

Here’s to a new day and a new chance to get it right and a positive attitude…hmm…I wonder if there are any of those ice cream sandwiches left? (jokes people….jokes!)

Oh the age old debate…to be strong and powerful like Wonder woman or to be soft and delicious like a tubby little cupcake. Lately its been more in the direction of the latter. And though I do love a good cupcake 9 I even proudly don a tattoo of one) Its not what I want to be. I’d far rather embody my much larger tattoo of Wonder Woman…amazon princess!

Five years ago I weighed in at a whopping 300+lbs. I was ginormous! I was tired and depressed all the time. My youngest was less than a year old and I was even bigger then than I was when I was 9 months pregnant. It was time for a change and over the course of two years I had gotten down to just 201lbs. The smallest I had been in a decade. I was walking an hour or more everyday I did P90X with my husband (who also went from flabby to fit!) and even joined him in a few classes of jujitsu. I was well out of the plus sizes in cloths and felt amazing, the best I had ever felt. In high school I was a mere 120lbs and never felt that good.

Then winter of that year came and I decided I would reward myself with a break. Genius right?! By spring I had gone back up to 220lbs. I managed to get back into working out but never as much or as long. I teetered between 205 and 210 until this year. I now weigh 226lbs. Most of which I gained since starting a new job in August working with mental disabled adults. Long hours and stress made me give up all together, I was too busy taking care of others to take care of myself.

The other day I got to the top of the stairs at work and had to stop to catch my breath. It hit me like a brick and I was overwhelmed with shame. That feeling of having to catch your breath all the time, of being tired all the time. It was returning. Then I started to notice other things. I had trouble getting my shoes on, all my cloths were too tight, I was depressed all the time….I was getting fatter.

To make matters worse I turned 30 in November and I swore I would not be fat and 30. but that is exactly what i am. Its time to put my big girl panties on and get in shape. i have been sort of trying this past week. By that I mean I’m trying to try. And by that I mean i suck and I’m not doing it right, not even remotely. i keep half assing it when I know EXACTLY what it is i need to be doing and eating. I’m no newbie at this, i know what it takes and quite frankly I’m being a baby about it….there i said it! I’m being a tubby little cupcake when once I was a Wonder Woman.

I guess that’s my reason for starting a blog. I’m kind of a loner and i think maybe I need that out loud accountability to myself. I need to shout it from the internet rooftops lol. So here I go. Starting all over again with  a goal of 150lbs. And making a commitment to reach it this time…..I swear.