okay so today is the first fat day I have had in a while. it is rather depressing. i am still up a pound and i just feel like i am a round ball :-( So I have been focusing on NSV’s hoping it will get me through this funk. Zumba class was fun today, i remembered all the steps and I did the full range of movements for all the dance steps. this is a BIG victory for me, plus i did my circuit training before class tonight.
I called my Will and told him I was having a fat day and he was like, “huh’? I had to laugh because i guess it is such a girlie thing to say that, but he is my biggest supporter and my inspiration on this journey of mine.
Zumba class was good last night, a bit of a struggle for me though probably because I spent the day breaking up mortar at work. -_- NOT fun, but at least i am getting a form of weight training at work. TOM is also creating chaos, I was about a pound and a half up yesterday so I am hoping it was water, plus i weighed myself at night when I usually weigh myself in the morning.
I have been noticing that I am not hungry. Food has always played a big part in my family life when I was growing up and as an adult. Food was the major focus at family gatherings, at smaller events, when getting together with friends, as I started my own life and family, food became my focus again. I ate when I was alone or feeling lonely, I ate when I was happy as a way to celebrate, I ate foods that reminded me of my grandparents ane cousins and aunts and uncles.
Now i am slowly taking food out of my focus because i am not ‘hungry’ anymore. I am replacing that focus with exercise, with reading, with my son, with my Will, with my spirituality. I have to admit though it is an adjustment not to be focusing on food, sometimes I get uncomfortable with it and I get scared that I am not using food to fall back on but I push thorugh those moments. I pray tnat I can keep on and not give in!!
This is why I don’t blog - I start with every intention of doing it daily and then I forget. >.< So since my last entry I have been working on controlling my cravings and binges and have been doing okay. TOM really wreaks havoc on my appetite. grrrr……….I have however gotten over the carb, caffiene, and sugar withdrawals. They weren’t that bad and I don’t crave them as much as I thought I would. I am noticing small changes in how my muscles feel and how I am moving. I haven’t gone down a size yet but things are definately shifting and changing.
One thing I need to work on still is my fear of being successfu at losing weight. I tell myself that i will be much more healthym more energetic, will be able to do so much more, wear better clothes and all these are super positive things but yet I am still afraid to let go of the ‘fat me’. I can’t figure out why, or maybe the things I have gone through in the past have effected me more then I previously thought. Whichever it is, it is something that I need to explore.
On a lighter note, I was in my Monday night Zumaba class and in walks an older woman who is maybe a size 4. She prances over to the area I am standing in and stands maybe 4 feet away from me leavng the WHOLE front of the room clear. She would not move down for ANYTHING!! We begin the class and I am watching myself in the mirror to make sure I am not going to crash into anyone, the first song ends and she walks up to the mirror, runs her finger over her teeth and fixes her hair, fluffs the girls and does some extra dance moves. This is a rinse and repeat for the whole class. Normally I would understand this behavior if handsome men were in the class but we are a bunch of middle aged, overweight housewives. Needlees to say this was one of the more entertaining of my zumba classes. I am sorely tempted to hip check her if she is there again tonight and won’t give me some space. I would smile sweetl and say, “OMG I am so sorry, these big ole hips of mine have a mind of their own!”
I am beginning to notice minute changes in my body, which is helpful because i am always wondering if anything I am doing is working. I noticed today that a watch that my baby gave me was a bit loose where as before it was always snug. This weekend I found myself craving hamburges and fries and pasta. My son had a burger and fries and I ate a few fries and a bite of his hamburger but I stopped myself because I knew if I ate anymore I would cave and binge. I am working on trying to recognize what is happening in the immediate time frame that is kicking in these cravings. It is easier for me to remember how bad I feel after I do binge. The bloated gassy feeling, the sluggishness………..I just keep telling myself that I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I try and concentrate on how i feel after I have eatin a healthy meal with correct portions, the lightness, not feeling engorged, the clarity,etc. I am slowly retraining every part of me that was dependent an my carb addiction.
You know something that is funny, and maybe it is just me, but it seems that it would make sense to lose weight - would be to stop thinking about food and about eating, sort of like out of sight out of mind - yet since I am on a diet I find myself OBSESSING over food. I am always thinking about spacing my meals, making sure I am calorie counting, what can I eat, when should I eat, how much should I eat, is it safe to eat out, and on and on and on!! Weird, huh?
Okay, so here I am 39 years old with a 14 year old son, a 28 year old boyfriend, working as a cashier in Texas, and just now realizing that maybe the extra 100+ pounds I am carrying around needs to go bye-bye. I am tired of being tired and feeling run down and fatigued and depressed and just not feeling well. Don’t get me wrong, there have been numerous other times that I have thought this exact same thing, but it is funny how the mind can create extraordinary justifications in favor of not changing your bad habits. My peronal favorites are, “God made me fat so I wouldn’t dress like a hoochie-mama”, “I am gonna die sometime, may as well die fat and happy”, and “Even though I am fat, my cholesterol is low.” It has taken YEARS of recovering from abuse and self doubt and self - neglect to build my self esteem to where I am comfortable with myself and being able to honestly say that I love myself. I have a son and a wonderful man in my life and a little girl who is a part of my life, that I want to be around for. I want to be able to be active with them and with my grandkids when I have them, I don’t want to be a bystander anymore.
The truth is, I am fat, I hate being fat, but I am addicted to food, carbs to narrow it down, and pasta to be exact. I get HIGH HIGH HIGH when I gorge on spaghetti. I realize this, and I love pasta but it is killing me as well as white bread and white rice and all ‘bad’ carbs of that sort So, I took a deep breath 3 weeks ago and threw out or gave away all my pasta, rice, bread, etc. The first week was a nightmare, I had headaches and just felt bad it was rough. The next week was a bit better, and by the third week I felt okay, I did however eat a side of potatoes at work and I felt like crap. I have to admit I was and can still be pretty pissed off that I cannot tolerate carbs because I love all that stuff and I don’t think it is fair. I get mad at skinny people that can ‘eat whatever they want’ Silly, yes I know, but I am human
That is where I am at right now - getting rid of the carb addiction and reteaching my brain and my body to love and accept a healthier way of life.