I will overcome the McChicken!

So the 1st two days of this blood pressure medication made me feel really weird.  Almost like I was high and very out of it and shaky.  Today is the third day and that feeling has gone away.  I’m still peeing like crazy and very thirsty and my mouth is AWFULLY dry.  Like cotton mouth.  I hope this eventually gets better too.

I went to the dermatologist today.  For four different reasons.  Ugh.  One of the main reasons is due to my thinning, slightly balding hair.  It’s been getting progressively worse the last few years and I’m not sure why.

A lot of my scalp shows.  Anyway, the Dr gave me this mousse stuff I have to put on my scalp every night and I have to take biotin daily until I see her again in 3 weeks.  I guess if there is no improvement by then, they are going to consider doing a biopsy of my scalp, 2 different incisions with stitches (SCARY), to test for different things.  I also need to bring her the results of my thyroid blood test results, lupus results and iron.

I have been super stressed lately.  Hopefully by tomorrow, which is my weigh in day, I’ll at least be down a pound or two.

I had my physical and pap today.  NOT fun!  She put me on blood pressure medication.  I saw her last month and my blood pressure was 140/90.  I’ve lost 14 pounds since I’ve seen her last and my blood pressure went up slightly!  It was 140/92.  I’ve eliminated added salt and I’ve been getting everything low sodium or no sodium, so I don’t get it.

I have to go see a dermatologist Wednesday for like 4 different reasons.  How fun.

Also, she did blood work today to check me for Lupus!  I guess because my hair has been thinning the last few years.

I finally did my Richard Simmons video tonight and he kicked my butt!  It was fun, haha!  Fro and Cameron did it too!

I don’t understand how the body works.  I didn’t do anything differently this week than the other weeks I’ve been on this journey, yet I drop 6 pounds this week.  YAY!  My goal has been to lose 5 a week and that only happened the first week, so I didn’t think it was an achievable goal. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with any pounds lost.  It’s just more motivating when I see a bigger number.  I know I’m not doing it for nothing.

My Richard Simmons DVD’s come today, haha.  I am actually looking forward to them.  I hope they are as fun as I remember.

I want an elliptical.  I’m sure I’ve said this before, but as far as gym equipment, this was my favorite.  All the at home ellipticals I could find only go up to 250 pounds.  What’s up with that?  I know the sturdier it is, the more expensive it’d be.  But I even looked at expensive ones and it was the same deal!  I even looked at exercise bikes and they had the same ridiculous weight limits.

Fro wants an Ab Circle, haha!  I know someone who has one and she loves it, but once again, it has a weight limit of 300 pounds, so I’m out of luck.  Fro could go on it though.  I’ll just have to stick to videos for now. 

I ordered the set of Richard Simmons Sweatin’ To The Oldies, HAHA.  I find that hilarious.  I remember when I was a teenager my friend had one and we used to do it just for laughs… and it was fun!  I think that’s my problems with most work out videos… they are BORING.  So maybe Richard will get me going, lol.  AND we bought a new DVD player for the living room, so now I have no excuses… I have a few different work out videos and 2 operational DVD players.  I need to doooo it!

So Thursday I weigh in officially, and I am back at 379, instead of 377.  I’ve been hovering at 379 for a few days now.  I really hope it’s 377 on Thursday.  It will be my mini goal.

I’ve been skipping fat day.  It’s really not a good idea anyway.  Most fat days, (really just a fat meal) I normally choose a better option anyway.  Except for the bridal shower fat day and I ate like a gazillion pieces of bacon.  My next fat meal is the 31st.  It’s my aunt’s bachelorette party… so I’ll be drinking.  But I’m still going to try to choose the best things I can.  I know I could just not drink… but I rarely ever drink anyway and it’s a special occasion.  I’ll just stick to the lowest drinks that I like.  Probably some flavored vodka, club soda and a splash of cranberry.  I won’t go crazy. 

This whole journey has been pretty easy (as far as the dieting is concerned).  I haven’t had any crazy cravings.  Until yesterday.  I am craving greasy cheesy pizza.  BADLY.  I’ll have to get a Lean Cuisine pizza or something, just to satisfy it before I go crazy.

I was looking for plus size swimsuits.  It’s so depressing.  I haven’t gone to the beach in years, but I’ve been twice in the past month or so and I’m going again this Sunday.  I just wear carpi’s and a tank top, but I obviously can’t swim in that… and I want to.  I definitely can’t show my legs above my knees.  It’s the biggest thing I am self conscious of.  My leg fat literally almost hangs over my knees.  I was thinking of doing long board shorts with a tank tini or just a regular tank top.  But I can’t find any decent plus size women’s board shorts.  At this point, I’d even wear men’s swim trunks, I guess.

But on a plus side to the swimwear issue… it is definitely a motivator to lose weight!  Woohoo!

Well today makes exactly one month since I’ve started logging my weight again.  I went from 393 to 377.  16 pounds, yay!  I was hoping for 20 a month, but I’ll take 16.  I’m sure if I actually exercised I might actually make my goal of 20, so it’s all my own fault.

I feel like I can’t get out of bed today.  I had the WORST dreams last night… about hubby-to-be cheating on me and lying to me and my friends were in on it.  Not cool.  I even woke up a few times, to go to the bathroom and what not, and I’d fall back asleep and the dream continued!  It was awful.  Felt so real.  I hate that.

Today I had egg beaters and I made them with salsa!  Why haven’t I done that before?  It was sooo good!

I want to thank everyone who has been leaving motivational comments.  It does mean a lot.  I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate through this thing.  When someone leaves a comment, is there a way I can get to their blog?  Also, how do I subscribe to other blogs?

Today I’m feeling good.  I saw some pictures of myself from a work Christmas party in December and I was horrified, but I just saw some new ones, from my aunt’s wedding shower and I could finally see a difference. 

 The 1st two pictures are from the Christmas party in December.  I was 440+.  The last picture is from the bridal shower this past Sunday… I was 383.  Please excuse the horrible face I am making, I had no idea my photo was being taken!  haha.

 I still have a LONG way to go and I feel like it’s going to take forever, but it’s a start.  I wish I could magically lose a bunch before our wedding, but I have less than 4 months to do that.  I really need to exercise.  Why do I have such an issue with this?  I’m doing well on the eating aspect of this journey, but I can’t seem to get motivated to exercise.  I know I could lose much faster and tone up much better.  So, if I know this, then why can’t I do it?

Hubby to be has been exercising.  He’s been going to the gym like 3 times a week, but not eating as well.  He’s still lost more weight than me and he’s 100 pounds smaller than me.  Ugh.

It’s kind of a bummer too, that everyone that is dieting that I know, is 100 pounds smaller.  It’s all my own fault that I let myself get this big, but it sucks, because when they lose their 100 and are healthy and skinny, I’ll still be fat and have another 100 to go.  It really unmotivates me, when I think it should have the opposite effect.  Weird.

Anyway, I’m just venting.  I’m glad I found the 300+ support group.  Yay.

So today was my week weigh in.  I ended up being down 1 pound.  Not very exciting.  4 weeks in and I’m down 11 pounds.  I’ll take the 1 pound weight loss… it’s better than nothing.

I still haven’t exercised.  Which is half the problem of my slow weight loss.  Every night I get home and tell myself I am going to my Pussy Cat Dolls work out video, hahah!  It’s fun!  But do I?  No.  I wish I had an elliptical at home.  I looked into buying one, but all the affordable ones have crazy weight limits!  Which makes absolutely no sense to me, but okay.

So tomorrow is technically the day I weigh in (but I tend to weigh daily, I’m obsessive!!).  This week I have a feeling it will be plus 1 or a 0 weight loss.  I’m really bummed.  Not to put too much disgusting information in this blog, but it is that time of the month, so maybe that has something to do with it.  I’ve been super stressed about the wedding too!  I can’t wait until it’s all done with!

A diet blog.  I never thought I’d be writing in one.  I’ve been fat as long as I can remember.  Always the fat kid.  That was a good time in school.  Especially fun when you’re fat AND poor.  The kids are super nice to you.

Anyway, this is my journey.

Like I said earlier, I have been big my whole life pretty much.  I had my son in 2002 and ballooned up to 385 pounds.  I remember the hospital bringing me into a utility closet to weigh me, because for whatever reason, they kept their fat scale there.  In 2003, I decided to do something about it.  I started doing the Atkins diet.  I got down to 180 pounds in a little over a year.  It was amazing!  The pounds melted off and that was with minimal exercise.  I felt so good about myself.  I got out of a bad relationship at that time too.  I remember the day we broke up (he was really mean about me eating… I remember one time he said “You’re not going to finish that salad like a fat pig, right?”  SALAD!!!)  Anyway, the day we broke up, I went to McDonald’s, just to spite him, I think, and ordered a McChicken.  It was the BEST thing I had tasted in a long time.  Well, here we are now!  In January I tried to weigh myself and couldn’t.  My home scale goes up to 440 pounds!  So who knows what I actually was.  Did I mention I stopped going to the doctors in 2004 when I started gaining all the weight back?  Bad, I know.  Anyway, I started doing the low calorie/low fat thing.  I’m 383 currently so it’s working.  I just feel like this time it’s much slower.  It’s agonizing.  But I know I can’t do low carb again.  It was too difficult… it’s not something I feel like I can do for life… at least not to the extreme I was doing before.

I just recently went to the doctors too!  How scary was that!  Again, I couldn’t be weighed.  I think there scale went up to 350.  My blood pressure was high.  I think it was 140/90.  They also did some blood work.  My cholesterol was slightly elevated she said and my liver functions were up.  So I went for an ultrasound and sure enough, I have a fatty liver.  My physical is in 2 weeks so I’m sure I’ll find out more fun things!

I’ve been trying to eat around 1500-1700 calories a day.  It sucks.  I’ve tried every calculator online to try and see how many I should be eating.  They all tell me I could eat 3000 a day to maintain!  So I know technically if I cut out 500 a day, I could lose a pound a week.  Ugh.  Am I the only one who would not be happy about a 1 pound weight loss?  Especially for someone my size.  I’d love to lose 5 a week, but that has not been happening.  The last 2 weeks I’ve lost 5 total.  3 pounds one week and 2 the other week.