1. Calorie counting does NOT work for me. I’m a right brain kind of gal and dealing with too many numbers drives me crazy. I obsess over them and then lose confidence when I can’t keep track.

2. What worked once, won’t necessarily work again. For example, the last time I lost weight I weighed myself every day. This worked because the dropping numbers were “proof” of my hard work even when my reflection in the mirror didn’t show. However, this time around I have too much going on and the daily weigh-in only adds to my stress. I can’t keep holding on and hoping that it’ll help just because it did once, I have to know when to let go and try another method.

3. Daily blog journals do NOT work for me. I’m not a very verbose person by nature – some days more than others. I admire those people who can take pictures of everything they eat every day and still have stuff to talk about every.single.day. I find that when I try to do that, I end up boring *myself*.

4. Do NOT treat this as the main focus of your life. It seems for most things in my life, I am the derailing factor. When I put this health and fitness thing at the forefront, I start to obsess over it and beat myself up for every little mistake or every little guilty thought. I think I need to put *living well* at the forefront and attach a healthy lifestyle as part of it. I find that when I can step back and focus on living a happy life instead of trying to micromanage my goals, I stay focused longer and am better able to achieve those goals.

5. Daily exercise – It’s strange. It takes forever (in this case, an entire year) for me to get my lazy butt to the gym on a daily basis, but once I get going for a month, then I’m pretty good about going consistently. The key though is for that first month I have to live without interruptions and to not have any stress factors. For some reason I’m so sensitive that first month that any little thing can send me spiraling back down the wrong track. But once I get past that first month hurdle, I always feel so great about myself that I end up surpassing all of my later obstacles. *sigh*I’m not sure how to overcome this one. I guess as the saying goes, you just have to keep trying again and again….and again and again.

6. Writing – For me, this is something that’s hard to talk about in RL. So rather then make this a daily ‘log” journal, I’m just going to use it to record all the thoughts/ramblings and worries I have running around in my head with no place to express it.

After so many failures, sometimes it’s real tempting to give up. However, a little voice inside of me tells me that I actually really want this. The energy and confidence that I had before is too precious for me to not want to fight more for it. I know I will succeed. When - I’m not sure. I guess if you keep walking, even if it’s only one fraction of a step at a time…eventually you’ll get somewhere right?

We’ve been friends for awhile and he’s definitely one of my best guy friends.  A group of us went to a charity banquet the other night and afterwards there was some dancing.  Basically, the entire time he was dancing with me he kept checking out other girls.  Later he’d talk to the other guys in our group about how “so-so” was so hot blah blah.  I guess we’ve grown so close that sometimes he doesn’t remember that I’m also a girl.  I know it shouldn’t get to me because I don’t like him in that way either, but it hurts my pride as a female that he’s never been attracted to me.  I mean, when he has a problem, I’m the first one he calls and talks to and I’m always there for a supporting word/encouragement.  So apparently I’m good enough to lean on, but I’m not girlfriend material.  Not to toot my own horn, but I think I’d make a pretty awesome girlfriend and it really annoys me to realize that most guys won’t see that without being physically attracted to me first.  They say that looks don’t matter, but honesty they do and it hurts when I feel like my self worth is being judged on it.

The other day when I finally dragged myself back on a treadmill after a week off, I felt my body giving up halfway there and I was going to shout at it in frustration again. But then, something made me stop. I slowed the treadmill down to a walk and finished up my hour just slowly walking and feeling my body move. I know it sounds strange, but have you ever thought of how amazing our bodies can be, even with all the crap we put it through? I realized I couldn’t take my anger out on my body, demanding it to perform the same way it did when I was 30 lbs lighter. That’s not fair. *It* didn’t make *me* this way - *I* made *it* this way. You get what you give. You are what you eat. If I want my body to go back to its healthy ways, I need to treat it better and stop using it as a punching bag for my emotions. I also need to appreciate it now – as is. Thinking back to everything I’d done to it in the past 6 months (the yo-yo dieting, the massive binges), it’s amazing that it’s still functioning and I haven’t collapsed with a clogged artery or something.

Dear Body –

Thank you for doing what you do to keep me alive and moving every day. If you’ll stick it out with me for a little bit more, I promise to pull myself together up here and get us *both* back into the shape we were meant to all.  Please don’t hate me.

Much love,

the Head

I did a 4 mile run yesterday.  I ate exceptionally well all day.  I was just finishing up a light dinner before heading off to the gym (while thinking excitedly of the 1lb lose I’ll be recording tmw) when my mom came home and we had a little talk.  In my head, little alarm bells were ringing off urging me to run away, but what could I do?  She’s my mother.  I love my mom to pieces and she’s actually very supportive of me - however being a naturally thin woman who only eats to live and has no cravings whatsoever she has no clue as to the emotional and physical turmoils of being overweight.  I try to explain calories in and out…about how losing weight takes time…about how it’s more then “…just don’t eat that much.”  It’s so so much more and so so much harder then she thinks, but I can’t get her to understand that.  She’s genuinely puzzled about why I keep gaining the weight.  The confusion and general lack of understanding sometimes leads her to accidentally say some hurtful things.  Tonight was one of those nights.  After my “conversation with her”, I threw my hands up in frustration and ran to my room with a box of comfort cereal in hand (and now…a half-full box..).

She needs me right now - I know that, but is it selfish of me to want to get some time away so I can better myself? I want to be there for her, but being around her is definitely not good for my mental health right now.  Is it selfish to want to spend some time focusing on just myself for a little bit? UUGGHHH I don’t know.  Being home is probably another reason why it’s so hard for me to lose the weight this time around.  last time was easy because I was living on my own and didn’t have to answer to anyone, but myself.

Anywhos…on a less whiney topic - I read somewhere (sorry, I don’t remember where) someone mentioning wanting to “be fit for the New Year”.  I think this is an awesome idea!!  I hate making “New Years resolution”. No, this year I’m not going to make any resolutions.  I’m going to BEGIN the year in the best shape of my life!! I don’t know if I’ll make my goal weight by then, but I sure as heck will try my hardest.

My GOALS for the rest of this year:

• Not skip more then 1 Day at the gym in a row
• Track my food intake (being honest with myself and not going over calorie limits)
• Not let other ppl/stressful situations unravel me (this is going to be my hardest one..

Here’s to everyone who’s struggling on this journey too.  Let’s buckle our heads down and really give the last of 2009 all we’ve got! Let’s really begin 2010 with a BANG!

Anywhos, I’m happy to say that my absence was actually because I’ve been working extra hard. :)  Regular gym workouts and sleeping early (to curb those late night binges).  It’s really weird though because my legs continue to shrink (they fit in my old size 4 pants now) but my waist/tummy area is still in the size 10 range (doesn’t that look weird? it sounds like I look like an ice cream cone 0_o).  Is it what I eat?  Asian meals are always paired with white rice and my breakfast is cereal so that’s probably a lot of carbs.  It’s hard cutting back on carbs though because my body’s so used to it, I always feel really hungry without it. *sigh*

This whole process is such a Catch 22.  When I’m doing well and see progress, it’s so easy to make good food choices and I exercise with more vigor. But when I’m not progressing as well, I start to not take as good care of myself which leads to feeling more depressed and prone to binges..and everything starts to downwardly spiral.

Reason #3 to Lose Weight: so I can stop sitting out on family activities I want to enjoy.

Back story: Awhile back, I was at the mall with my parents for an eye appointment  Afterward, we had to wait for their glasses to be made and my mom wanted to browse the stores.  Of course, since I feel horrible in all clothes right now, I’m avoiding those stores like the plague.  My parents noticed my sour mood and asked if I wanted to go home.  I didn’t want to ruin their day so I said they could stay and I’d come back to pick them up in a few hours.  And that’s how I ended up at home angrily chomping on peanut butter cookies when I should’ve been at the mall enjoying some quality time with my parents.  I don’t even want to think about our beach trip this year when I spent the entire time sitting on the sand or in the hotel room because I was too embarrassed to put on a bathing suit.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

Once I’ve established a “rhythm” to it, I’m usually good about sticking to plan to the end.  The harder part for me is getting into that rhythm in the first place.  I’d have a few goods days, then a stressful day comes and an indulging moment leads to indulgent days.  The next day, I try to brush myself off, learn from my mistake, buckle down and try again. But after so many bruises from the falls, it gets harder and harder to make yourself get back up because in the back of your mind you feel like you’re just setting yourself up to fall again.

But what can you do, right? Even if the road is tough, there’s only one way to get up a mountain - by climbing over one painful rock at a time.

This time though, I’m not just doing it for myself, but for my family too.  I see the pain that I bring to my mom when she sees me giving up and wasting away on the couch.  I’ve tried to shut it out of my head by occupying myself with more food (ah, the self destruction), but lately its gotten too loud for me to block out.  She wonders where that bright, youthful energetic little girl that she sent off to college went.  The one that was ready to take on the world.  I want to tell her that after 4 yrs, she was beaten down by life, but that little girl is still in here…and she’s praying to get out too.  So please don’t give up on me yet because I’m not going to give up on myself!

Its inspired me to issue a 7 day challenge for myself.  7 entire days of healthy, binge-free eating. Baby steps right?

I’ll be back to report in 7 days - wish me luck! ^^

And then, somewhere in the night as I was trying to do my night crunches - I crumbled.   The rest of my body is shrinking back to a normal person size….why can’t my stupid stomach? I was beyond frustrated and starting to feel like the gallon lady (remember those awkward things they made us draw in elementary school to learn our quarts and cups?). I think it was a combination the layer of fat around my stomach area that’s refusing to go away and the secrecy of the night…the feeling oh…”hey…everyone’s asleep..even if I will pig out, no one will find out” …that caused my lost of resolve.

It started with the bag of honey bbq chips that’s been staring *me* down all night.  With every bite it was getting saltier and since there was no water nearby, the only solution was to eat something sweet to counter the salty aftertaste (riiigghht…..). A slice of pound cake and 4 crackersn’cheese later, I’m miserable and angry at myself for ruining a perfectly good day.  Now all I can think about is how many laps I’m gonna have to do to burn off all that awful food that didn’t even taste that good in the first place. All because I didn’t have more self control.

I guess the bright side of it is that I’ve had binges way worse than this so in a way this was an improvement.  I’m just angry and disappointed with myself.  I work so hard during the day…so when I do stuff like this, I feel like I’m letting myself down and wasting all of my earlier efforts.  No wonder this process is taking forever….when I treat it like this…I can’t blame my body for not responding the way I want it to.

My counter-attack plan to handle these moments from now on is to

1. *Always* have water with me.  Attach it to my hip or something.  Water probably would’ve been able to stop me after the chips.
2. Before I put anything to my mouth - breathe….and ask myself if I really should be eating this.  Hopefully that momentary pause will curb any impulsive bites.

Today, we’re going out to a Chinese buffet for a coworker’s birthday.  My mentality for buffets have always been, “I’m paying good money for all of this….so I must get my money’s worth of food!” But if I really think about it, I’m paying way more in gym membership. A couple of dollars worth of food that’s going to cost me more extended gym membership money is totally not worth it. I have a closet full of winter clothes that I was able to fit into before the craziness of this year happened.  Having to spend money on a new winter wardrobe is not worth it!

My counter-attack plan for this event is to have to

1. Remind myself that the trip isn’t about the food, it’s about the social interactions and talking with the people.
2. Sit as far away from the buffet as possible
3. Sit with my back to it (so I’m not distracted by the sight and smells when I try to talk to a coworker)
4. Think about how happier my body is going to feel in the old pretty winter clothes I can wear again and how happier wallet will feel when I don’t have to shell out monthly gym payments.

I’m going to think about all this and realize a couple of dollars of buffet food is NOT WORTH IT.

10/22/2009 - 145.0

10/29/2009 -

But you know.  This so called “comfort” food has now become the source of my stress.  This has got to stop.  I *CAN* do it.  I’ve done it before.  I have got to stop comparing me now to the end result that I envisioned and then faulting myself for not miraculously making it there in a day.  I didn’t gain all this weight in a day, so how can I expect for it to come off that way?  Sometimes the progress is not noticeable in the scale, or measurable in numbers at all, but its mental progress as well.  The taking back control of your relationship with food - of your life!

You CAN do it!  You CAN make it to goal!  You CAN feel beautiful and confident again.  You CAN and you WILL and you DESERVE IT.  Don’t let anyone cheat you of this dream.  Not even yourself.