Because I am better then this

I don’t know why I let other people affect me so much like this.

I did a 4 mile run yesterday.  I ate exceptionally well all day.  I was just finishing up a light dinner before heading off to the gym (while thinking excitedly of the 1lb lose I’ll be recording tmw) when my mom came home and we had a little talk.  In my head, little alarm bells were ringing off urging me to run away, but what could I do?  She’s my mother.  I love my mom to pieces and she’s actually very supportive of me - however being a naturally thin woman who only eats to live and has no cravings whatsoever she has no clue as to the emotional and physical turmoils of being overweight.  I try to explain calories in and out…about how losing weight takes time…about how it’s more then “…just don’t eat that much.”  It’s so so much more and so so much harder then she thinks, but I can’t get her to understand that.  She’s genuinely puzzled about why I keep gaining the weight.  The confusion and general lack of understanding sometimes leads her to accidentally say some hurtful things.  Tonight was one of those nights.  After my “conversation with her”, I threw my hands up in frustration and ran to my room with a box of comfort cereal in hand (and now…a half-full box..).

She needs me right now - I know that, but is it selfish of me to want to get some time away so I can better myself? I want to be there for her, but being around her is definitely not good for my mental health right now.  Is it selfish to want to spend some time focusing on just myself for a little bit? UUGGHHH I don’t know.  Being home is probably another reason why it’s so hard for me to lose the weight this time around.  last time was easy because I was living on my own and didn’t have to answer to anyone, but myself.

Anywhos…on a less whiney topic - I read somewhere (sorry, I don’t remember where) someone mentioning wanting to “be fit for the New Year”.  I think this is an awesome idea!!  I hate making “New Years resolution”. No, this year I’m not going to make any resolutions.  I’m going to BEGIN the year in the best shape of my life!! I don’t know if I’ll make my goal weight by then, but I sure as heck will try my hardest.

My GOALS for the rest of this year:

• Not skip more then 1 Day at the gym in a row
• Track my food intake (being honest with myself and not going over calorie limits)
• Not let other ppl/stressful situations unravel me (this is going to be my hardest one..

Here’s to everyone who’s struggling on this journey too.  Let’s buckle our heads down and really give the last of 2009 all we’ve got! Let’s really begin 2010 with a BANG!