Because I am better then this

My guy friend made me kind of sad today.

We’ve been friends for awhile and he’s definitely one of my best guy friends.  A group of us went to a charity banquet the other night and afterwards there was some dancing.  Basically, the entire time he was dancing with me he kept checking out other girls.  Later he’d talk to the other guys in our group about how “so-so” was so hot blah blah.  I guess we’ve grown so close that sometimes he doesn’t remember that I’m also a girl.  I know it shouldn’t get to me because I don’t like him in that way either, but it hurts my pride as a female that he’s never been attracted to me.  I mean, when he has a problem, I’m the first one he calls and talks to and I’m always there for a supporting word/encouragement.  So apparently I’m good enough to lean on, but I’m not girlfriend material.  Not to toot my own horn, but I think I’d make a pretty awesome girlfriend and it really annoys me to realize that most guys won’t see that without being physically attracted to me first.  They say that looks don’t matter, but honesty they do and it hurts when I feel like my self worth is being judged on it.

Do you hate your body? There were times when I’d go days without looking in the mirror because I didn’t want to see what kind of person I’d become. Whenever I had the courage to look down, I’d grab at my donut of fat around my tummy in disgust. I’d yearn for my old healthy fit body, and take out my anger on my current one.

The other day when I finally dragged myself back on a treadmill after a week off, I felt my body giving up halfway there and I was going to shout at it in frustration again. But then, something made me stop. I slowed the treadmill down to a walk and finished up my hour just slowly walking and feeling my body move. I know it sounds strange, but have you ever thought of how amazing our bodies can be, even with all the crap we put it through? I realized I couldn’t take my anger out on my body, demanding it to perform the same way it did when I was 30 lbs lighter. That’s not fair. *It* didn’t make *me* this way - *I* made *it* this way. You get what you give. You are what you eat. If I want my body to go back to its healthy ways, I need to treat it better and stop using it as a punching bag for my emotions. I also need to appreciate it now – as is. Thinking back to everything I’d done to it in the past 6 months (the yo-yo dieting, the massive binges), it’s amazing that it’s still functioning and I haven’t collapsed with a clogged artery or something.

Dear Body –

Thank you for doing what you do to keep me alive and moving every day. If you’ll stick it out with me for a little bit more, I promise to pull myself together up here and get us *both* back into the shape we were meant to all.  Please don’t hate me.

Much love,

the Head

I don’t know why I let other people affect me so much like this.

I did a 4 mile run yesterday.  I ate exceptionally well all day.  I was just finishing up a light dinner before heading off to the gym (while thinking excitedly of the 1lb lose I’ll be recording tmw) when my mom came home and we had a little talk.  In my head, little alarm bells were ringing off urging me to run away, but what could I do?  She’s my mother.  I love my mom to pieces and she’s actually very supportive of me - however being a naturally thin woman who only eats to live and has no cravings whatsoever she has no clue as to the emotional and physical turmoils of being overweight.  I try to explain calories in and out…about how losing weight takes time…about how it’s more then “…just don’t eat that much.”  It’s so so much more and so so much harder then she thinks, but I can’t get her to understand that.  She’s genuinely puzzled about why I keep gaining the weight.  The confusion and general lack of understanding sometimes leads her to accidentally say some hurtful things.  Tonight was one of those nights.  After my “conversation with her”, I threw my hands up in frustration and ran to my room with a box of comfort cereal in hand (and now…a half-full box..).

She needs me right now - I know that, but is it selfish of me to want to get some time away so I can better myself? I want to be there for her, but being around her is definitely not good for my mental health right now.  Is it selfish to want to spend some time focusing on just myself for a little bit? UUGGHHH I don’t know.  Being home is probably another reason why it’s so hard for me to lose the weight this time around.  last time was easy because I was living on my own and didn’t have to answer to anyone, but myself.

Anywhos…on a less whiney topic - I read somewhere (sorry, I don’t remember where) someone mentioning wanting to “be fit for the New Year”.  I think this is an awesome idea!!  I hate making “New Years resolution”. No, this year I’m not going to make any resolutions.  I’m going to BEGIN the year in the best shape of my life!! I don’t know if I’ll make my goal weight by then, but I sure as heck will try my hardest.

My GOALS for the rest of this year:

• Not skip more then 1 Day at the gym in a row
• Track my food intake (being honest with myself and not going over calorie limits)
• Not let other ppl/stressful situations unravel me (this is going to be my hardest one..

Here’s to everyone who’s struggling on this journey too.  Let’s buckle our heads down and really give the last of 2009 all we’ve got! Let’s really begin 2010 with a BANG!

Jen @ A Prior FatGirl is having this awesome Motivation MatchUp thing and originally I was excited to join, but then I thought about it and realized it probably wasn’t for me.  The way I see it, sure, having someone motivate and encourage me on for a few weeks or even months would be a big help in holding me accountable and maybe the push I need to finally reach goal - but they can’t be there always. In the end, the only person who will always be there is me.  So I want to learn how to be my own strongest motivator.  Nothing wrong with using crutches, but knowing me, I’ll learn to lean on those crutches and so when it’s finally time to take them off, i wouldn’t know how to walk w/o them anymore.  Does that make any sense…or am I being weird again?

Anywhos, I’m happy to say that my absence was actually because I’ve been working extra hard. :)  Regular gym workouts and sleeping early (to curb those late night binges).  It’s really weird though because my legs continue to shrink (they fit in my old size 4 pants now) but my waist/tummy area is still in the size 10 range (doesn’t that look weird? it sounds like I look like an ice cream cone 0_o).  Is it what I eat?  Asian meals are always paired with white rice and my breakfast is cereal so that’s probably a lot of carbs.  It’s hard cutting back on carbs though because my body’s so used to it, I always feel really hungry without it. *sigh*

This whole process is such a Catch 22.  When I’m doing well and see progress, it’s so easy to make good food choices and I exercise with more vigor. But when I’m not progressing as well, I start to not take as good care of myself which leads to feeling more depressed and prone to binges..and everything starts to downwardly spiral.

Reason #3 to Lose Weight: so I can stop sitting out on family activities I want to enjoy.

Back story: Awhile back, I was at the mall with my parents for an eye appointment  Afterward, we had to wait for their glasses to be made and my mom wanted to browse the stores.  Of course, since I feel horrible in all clothes right now, I’m avoiding those stores like the plague.  My parents noticed my sour mood and asked if I wanted to go home.  I didn’t want to ruin their day so I said they could stay and I’d come back to pick them up in a few hours.  And that’s how I ended up at home angrily chomping on peanut butter cookies when I should’ve been at the mall enjoying some quality time with my parents.  I don’t even want to think about our beach trip this year when I spent the entire time sitting on the sand or in the hotel room because I was too embarrassed to put on a bathing suit.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!