Because I am better then this

It started out as an awesome day.  I managed to control myself even when the stress started to get high at work (my weak point when it comes to binges).  I ate well all day and even managed to stare down a cookie before walking away.  I did a step class *and* ran 2.5 miles.  I haven’t felt this good and energized in awhile.

And then, somewhere in the night as I was trying to do my night crunches - I crumbled.   The rest of my body is shrinking back to a normal person size….why can’t my stupid stomach? I was beyond frustrated and starting to feel like the gallon lady (remember those awkward things they made us draw in elementary school to learn our quarts and cups?). I think it was a combination the layer of fat around my stomach area that’s refusing to go away and the secrecy of the night…the feeling oh…”hey…everyone’s asleep..even if I will pig out, no one will find out” …that caused my lost of resolve.

It started with the bag of honey bbq chips that’s been staring *me* down all night.  With every bite it was getting saltier and since there was no water nearby, the only solution was to eat something sweet to counter the salty aftertaste (riiigghht…..). A slice of pound cake and 4 crackersn’cheese later, I’m miserable and angry at myself for ruining a perfectly good day.  Now all I can think about is how many laps I’m gonna have to do to burn off all that awful food that didn’t even taste that good in the first place. All because I didn’t have more self control.

I guess the bright side of it is that I’ve had binges way worse than this so in a way this was an improvement.  I’m just angry and disappointed with myself.  I work so hard during the day…so when I do stuff like this, I feel like I’m letting myself down and wasting all of my earlier efforts.  No wonder this process is taking forever….when I treat it like this…I can’t blame my body for not responding the way I want it to.

My counter-attack plan to handle these moments from now on is to

1. *Always* have water with me.  Attach it to my hip or something.  Water probably would’ve been able to stop me after the chips.
2. Before I put anything to my mouth - breathe….and ask myself if I really should be eating this.  Hopefully that momentary pause will curb any impulsive bites.

Today, we’re going out to a Chinese buffet for a coworker’s birthday.  My mentality for buffets have always been, “I’m paying good money for all of this….so I must get my money’s worth of food!” But if I really think about it, I’m paying way more in gym membership. A couple of dollars worth of food that’s going to cost me more extended gym membership money is totally not worth it. I have a closet full of winter clothes that I was able to fit into before the craziness of this year happened.  Having to spend money on a new winter wardrobe is not worth it!

My counter-attack plan for this event is to have to

1. Remind myself that the trip isn’t about the food, it’s about the social interactions and talking with the people.
2. Sit as far away from the buffet as possible
3. Sit with my back to it (so I’m not distracted by the sight and smells when I try to talk to a coworker)
4. Think about how happier my body is going to feel in the old pretty winter clothes I can wear again and how happier wallet will feel when I don’t have to shell out monthly gym payments.

I’m going to think about all this and realize a couple of dollars of buffet food is NOT WORTH IT.