Because I am better then this

One of the positive things about this whole experience (weight loss, weight gain..image issues etc.) is this amazing community I’ve stumbled upon. You ladies (and gents ^^) are really incredible people.  Everyone’s so sweet, supportive and *willing* to give a helping hand/word to people you don’t even know.  Honestly, I never expected to get any comments on this blog (as you can tell from the haphazard ramblings..) so I’m totally floored to see ppl replying and encouraging me on.  Your comments mean the world to me and have saved me from sabotaging myself quite a few times.  So, to everyone who has replied, thank you *so* much.  If you return (and for future responders), please leave a blog address (if you have one) so I can return the favor. ^^

Once I’ve established a “rhythm” to it, I’m usually good about sticking to plan to the end.  The harder part for me is getting into that rhythm in the first place.  I’d have a few goods days, then a stressful day comes and an indulging moment leads to indulgent days.  The next day, I try to brush myself off, learn from my mistake, buckle down and try again. But after so many bruises from the falls, it gets harder and harder to make yourself get back up because in the back of your mind you feel like you’re just setting yourself up to fall again.

But what can you do, right? Even if the road is tough, there’s only one way to get up a mountain - by climbing over one painful rock at a time.

This time though, I’m not just doing it for myself, but for my family too.  I see the pain that I bring to my mom when she sees me giving up and wasting away on the couch.  I’ve tried to shut it out of my head by occupying myself with more food (ah, the self destruction), but lately its gotten too loud for me to block out.  She wonders where that bright, youthful energetic little girl that she sent off to college went.  The one that was ready to take on the world.  I want to tell her that after 4 yrs, she was beaten down by life, but that little girl is still in here…and she’s praying to get out too.  So please don’t give up on me yet because I’m not going to give up on myself!

I’m *very* happy to report that I survived the buffet.  As planned, I ate nothing but veggies and some soup.  it helped that the Chinese food was pretty bad, but resisting unlimited ice cream definitely took some work out of me. But I did it!

Its inspired me to issue a 7 day challenge for myself.  7 entire days of healthy, binge-free eating. Baby steps right?

I’ll be back to report in 7 days - wish me luck! ^^

It started out as an awesome day.  I managed to control myself even when the stress started to get high at work (my weak point when it comes to binges).  I ate well all day and even managed to stare down a cookie before walking away.  I did a step class *and* ran 2.5 miles.  I haven’t felt this good and energized in awhile.

And then, somewhere in the night as I was trying to do my night crunches - I crumbled.   The rest of my body is shrinking back to a normal person size….why can’t my stupid stomach? I was beyond frustrated and starting to feel like the gallon lady (remember those awkward things they made us draw in elementary school to learn our quarts and cups?). I think it was a combination the layer of fat around my stomach area that’s refusing to go away and the secrecy of the night…the feeling oh…”hey…everyone’s asleep..even if I will pig out, no one will find out” …that caused my lost of resolve.

It started with the bag of honey bbq chips that’s been staring *me* down all night.  With every bite it was getting saltier and since there was no water nearby, the only solution was to eat something sweet to counter the salty aftertaste (riiigghht…..). A slice of pound cake and 4 crackersn’cheese later, I’m miserable and angry at myself for ruining a perfectly good day.  Now all I can think about is how many laps I’m gonna have to do to burn off all that awful food that didn’t even taste that good in the first place. All because I didn’t have more self control.

I guess the bright side of it is that I’ve had binges way worse than this so in a way this was an improvement.  I’m just angry and disappointed with myself.  I work so hard during the day…so when I do stuff like this, I feel like I’m letting myself down and wasting all of my earlier efforts.  No wonder this process is taking forever….when I treat it like this…I can’t blame my body for not responding the way I want it to.

My counter-attack plan to handle these moments from now on is to

1. *Always* have water with me.  Attach it to my hip or something.  Water probably would’ve been able to stop me after the chips.
2. Before I put anything to my mouth - breathe….and ask myself if I really should be eating this.  Hopefully that momentary pause will curb any impulsive bites.

Today, we’re going out to a Chinese buffet for a coworker’s birthday.  My mentality for buffets have always been, “I’m paying good money for all of this….so I must get my money’s worth of food!” But if I really think about it, I’m paying way more in gym membership. A couple of dollars worth of food that’s going to cost me more extended gym membership money is totally not worth it. I have a closet full of winter clothes that I was able to fit into before the craziness of this year happened.  Having to spend money on a new winter wardrobe is not worth it!

My counter-attack plan for this event is to have to

1. Remind myself that the trip isn’t about the food, it’s about the social interactions and talking with the people.
2. Sit as far away from the buffet as possible
3. Sit with my back to it (so I’m not distracted by the sight and smells when I try to talk to a coworker)
4. Think about how happier my body is going to feel in the old pretty winter clothes I can wear again and how happier wallet will feel when I don’t have to shell out monthly gym payments.

I’m going to think about all this and realize a couple of dollars of buffet food is NOT WORTH IT.

“Baby are you down…down…down,..down…dooowwn”  Here’s to the falling of the numbers.  I’m excited ^^

10/22/2009 - 145.0

10/29/2009 -

Why do I keep sabotaging myself?  It’s like deep down, this goal feels so far fetched.  The image of a healthy skinny me is more like a dream then something achievable.  What, me? Pretty?  Who am I trying to kid? So every time I come across a hurdle or succumb to a moment of weakness, it’s like I hear an “Ah ha, I knew you wouldn’t be able to do it” in my head.  Proof of my doomed failure.  And so I drown my sorrow in more comfort food.

But you know.  This so called “comfort” food has now become the source of my stress.  This has got to stop.  I *CAN* do it.  I’ve done it before.  I have got to stop comparing me now to the end result that I envisioned and then faulting myself for not miraculously making it there in a day.  I didn’t gain all this weight in a day, so how can I expect for it to come off that way?  Sometimes the progress is not noticeable in the scale, or measurable in numbers at all, but its mental progress as well.  The taking back control of your relationship with food - of your life!

You CAN do it!  You CAN make it to goal!  You CAN feel beautiful and confident again.  You CAN and you WILL and you DESERVE IT.  Don’t let anyone cheat you of this dream.  Not even yourself.