Whipped Into Shape

I think the last temptation of Job was brownies…

Posted libitina on April 6th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

I just came from spending six hours at a party. This was a bit frightening to me because I wouldn’t know the calorie counts of anything at the party and I’ve been stuck at 319.5 to 320.3 for long enough to be cautious. First there was a cheese and cracker plate, I only had 6 triscuits and about an ounce of cheese. Then came sugary goodness contained in a fancy glass cake plate with dome. With an unsteady hand I raised the heavy curved piece of glass and sat it to the side then grasped a brownie and put it on my plate. It was good, gooey and chocolate and rich.That said after I ate about a fourth of it, I didn’t feel the need to eat anymore. For once I didn’t worry about politeness as my hostess knew that I was watching what I ate. And the world didn’t stop rotating, I didn’t clean my plate at a social event and no one pointed or stared or threw rotten fruit covered creepy clown dolls at me. Since I didn’t finish my brownie and had watched my calories earlier in the day I felt free to have a few glasses of wine, much better than brownies to me on a Saturday night.

There is a picture of me as a little girl, maybe seven from a party at my Grandparent’s house. I am at the plate stacked high with brownies, one dark brown square clutched protectively in my right hand, my cheeks smeared with Hershey’s finest eyes glowing with reflected flashbulb and shame. I look like I’ve been caught doing something I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing. I went on my first “diet” at seven. I stopped eating lunch and just drunk a carton of milk while at school. I was a little bit chubby, not fat yet just enough a few comments had been made. I lost a few pounds before a family Florida vacation and in those pictures taken wedged between my parents in early nineties attire; I look more confident than I ever do in photos now. I looked at one today as I unpacked my belongings, Dad in his shirt with the shark bit taken out of the side, mom in her ridiculous pink culottes she had sewn and me in the middle posing like I was Cindy Crawford. The last time I remember feeling really good about my body was pre- Vanilla Ice.

That saddens me, I want to feel that way again. Hand on one hip, sticking it out with attitude  and a “you know you want me” look on my face in elementary school. After that, the food won. I hid candy in my pillowcase and ate it whenever I could. As I gained weight the cruelty increased as did my attempts to dull the pain with sugar and junk. I don’t know if I will ever be able to see food from a purely nutritional viewpoint, I doubt it, however the “if I don’t eat it I will DIE” factor has gone down for me these last two months. I like being less ruled by food, able to leave food on my plate even if it’s yummy when I’m full more often than not. I have a long way to go but I have to squint to see back to the place where I started, and that’s good enough for me.

Regis, I’d like to phone a friend…

Posted libitina on April 6th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

So I had to use a lifeline today, that is how I thought of as I sat in my car today with my cell phone gripped in my right hand probably due to my recent viewing of Slumdog Millionaire. I had a craving, no big deal as I hadn’t even had lunch yet and I had plenty of calories to play with. I wanted two Popeye’s biscuits, I used to get three but I thought I would be good. I googled the calories quickly on my phone… and my jaw hit my chest. 250 calories PER BISCUIT and about 15 grams of fat each. 500 calories for a snack, more if you factored in 2 tablespoons of butter to top them with.

I tried to bargain with the diet goddess a bit, I’ll make my crazy low calorie soup later and just have a piece of fruit for snack and then I can do it! I really want it so it’s worth it right? Yeah craziness, I called a friend who had the nerve to actually be working at 2 on a weekday tsk tsk. Then I called mom who talked me out of my insanity, I followed with a call to grandma when my resolve weakened a bit. I even had to do the Paul McKenna thing where you picture the food you crave with barbershop hair all over it.  Finally I decided that even though I was starving and even though it is officially a kajillion degrees Fahrenheit today (it’s true, the Sun tomorrow will have headline of Kajillion degree temperatures hit Baltimore!) and baking is what sweaty people long to do; that I would bake my own. I found this recipe 86 calories a biscuit is a HUGE improvement. I made mine smaller because the glass I used to cut them out with was under 2″ so mine are only 54 calories each! I had two hot out of the oven with 2 tablespoons of honey butter and a hot cup of tea. And I felt victorious, now if only I can find an awesome low calorie chocolate chip cookie recipe!

Are you there God? It’s me, Whip.

Posted libitina on April 2nd, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Today as my car was slicing through lovely blue sky and balmy temperatures on my way to run an errand I started to feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Pain was lacing through my left arm and I had an odd pain in the left side of the front and back of my chest. I kept thinking that if I didn’t have shortness of breath or tingles that I was probably going to be okay. I prayed. I was scared. It’s an old scenario for me, but one that I hadn’t experienced in at least six months. I thought that it would be fitting with my luck for me to die of a massive coronary as soon as  I make a lifetime commitment to a low fat diet.

When I was fifteen I was told I would die of a massive heart attack before I was thirty. My perky blond basketball-scholarship earning and well-meaning home economics teacher peered at me across the faux wood grain desk reflecting the harsh overhead lighting like dull yellow starbursts in the mid-afternoon haze. Concern filling her brown eyes, her capable hands with their short square nails reaching out to pat mine as she held me after class when I should have been at shift C lunch. She was southern and  young and told me what is to this day my favorite blonde joke during class. I had just been handed back an assignment that I had completed the previous week: a food diary.

I was annoyed, I had peanut butter tandy takes and coca cola and a crunchy peanut butter on potato bread sandwich  with a baggie of crispy flaming orange cheetos enveloped in a brown paper bag screaming my name. I knew I wouldn’t live til 30 anyway and most of me at that point relished the thought of being an ex-human to be honest. At that moment I felt as if I had nothing and that the perfection that one achieves in death seemed to beckon to me like an ice cold glass of lemonade served with a side of redemption to a soul trapped in the bowels of Hell. My father had died suddenly less than six months earlier, mom was going off the rails and I hated myself. The truly awful part was that I had made my diet healthier in the food diary, slicing off a piece of pizza here and a candy bar there.

For a long time I subconsciously ate myself to death. I satisfied any craving I could at all until I sometimes threw up and hid food around the house like a squirrel preparing for winter. Gradually, however life got better for me. I met Greg about 5 years ago who changed my life utterly by being the most supportive person I had ever known. If he thought I was angry with him he wouldn’t be able to sleep, I felt powerful and loved by this kindred spirit. Then a few months later I met Michal who is my tough love giver/cheerleader, the yin to my yang. Then Jackie came back into the picture after ten years of no contact and became my sister, I get to be part of a lovely family with the two most amazing children ever. And finally Miss Emily the fairy princess extraordinaire who is the world’s greatest muse arrived.

Between them and my biological family I have a lot to live for, I can never look at my life and see no value again when I have been given the greatest wealth one can possess. True friendship and love. So hopefully God has gotten the memo that I care now about my body and want it live until it is good and wrinkly and saggy and cellulitic with age spots and gray body hair. There are TONS of things I want to do and this is the vehicle I have to do them in. So I’m going to love it to bits from the inside out. Hopefully today was just a kick in the butt from God to remind me of what I need to do.

No one laughs at God in a hospital – No one laughs at God in a war – No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very poor. No one laughs at God – When the doctor calls after some routine tests – No one’s laughing at God when it’s gotten real late and their kid’s not back from the party yet… No one laughs at God when their airplane start to uncontrollably shake – No one’s laughing at God when they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they’re mistaken.  No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say we got some bad news, sir – No one’s laughing at God when there’s a famine or fire or flood…

*Chorus*  But God can be funny, at a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or or when the crazies say He hates us and they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke.  God can be funny, when told He’ll give you money if you just pray the right way, and when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus. God can be so hilarious. Ha Ha Ha Ha

No one’s laughing at God – We’re all laughing with God. - Regina Spector

What Would Ann Gentry Eat?

Posted libitina on April 1st, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

I need to stop watching Naturally Delicious, as every time I do I feel like a failure. I know that Ann Gentry is in fact not the personification of evil (see Celine Dion) and that she set out to educate people about healthy vegan cuisine. I bet she is lovely and considerate with beautiful, brilliant well-behaved children to boot. That said I have never made one of her recipes. I sit there and I watch her chop and dice and I think “I should be eating that perfectly balanced meatless meal” and then I go pop a boca burger in the microwave. Sometimes creating my favorite sandwich, The Hypocrite by topping its veggie burger deliciousness with real bacon. With a side of Pirate’s Booty (and if I have the calories to spare) a beer. I haven’t called myself vegetarian for quite a few years mainly because of the lure of shrimp, crab, scallops, lobster and BACON.

It’s not that I’m not growing in my nutritional choices, darn it I ate Quinoa yesterday instead of my beloved super-sticky white rice. I even learned how to say quinoa properly *pats self on back*. Tempeh is sitting in my fridge just waiting to be part of some yummy meal. There are about six different veggies waiting to be used in scrumptious suppers. That said I hate tofu, HATE, DESPISE, tofu and I are not even close enough to be frenemies. If it was on fire I would not dump my crystal light laced bottle water on it to put it out. Also any ingredient that has to be purchased at an Asian specialty market? There is a greater chance that the Baltimore Orioles will win every world series for the next DECADE than me actually going and picking that up. Yup of COURSE I have that unpronounceable Iranian spice in my cupboard.

Here is the ingredient list for her Amaranth Saute in Kabocha Squash

1 (2-pound) kabocha squash I don’t know what this is

1 cup amaranth seeds Or this but it sounds crazy expensive

3 cups water Yay I have this

6 green onions, thinly sliced diagonally Okay

2 tablespoons tamari Yup actually do have the fancy soy sauce

Almost never do I have all the ingredients to prepare what she is making. When I watch Cook yourself thin for example odds are good I will have the ingredients handy. Sure I had to learn to make my own self-rising flour but I did it with stuff around the house. I always felt when I was vegetarian (from ages 12 to 24) that I was being pressured to go vegan and you will pry dairy from my. cold. dead. fingers. I was also really turned off by massively long ingredient lists in the vegetarian times and specialty ingredients. No more beating myself up for my diet by holding myself to what I find to be in impossible standard. Looks like Ann Gentry isn’t going to be on my television set and DVR anymore. I wish her all the best and am sure she will use this free time to create a rainwater system to irrigate her organic rooftop garden. As for me, I’ll just keep on keepin on making “normal” food healthier or generally meatless. It will keep me from having an awkward moment bumping into her in the Asian specialty market.

Callisto and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Posted libitina on March 31st, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

Ever since I had my gastric bypass over four years ago I’ve gained two new friends. They have always made me feel uncomfortable with my body and as I was stuck in traffic today feeling waves of love and compassion for my fellow man I decided that enough was enough. I had complications during my surgery and it lasted almost ten hours, my gall bladder had calcified previously (gotten rock hard for apparently no reason) and when I had that removed the internal scarring was apparently significant. This caused my nine inch long scar that is a full inch wide that bisects my abdomen, along both sides are a serious of dots from my zillion staples they used post surgery. Now also have a fat roll that rests in between my breasts and belly button that doubled in size since I’ve gained the weight back after they sliced through all my muscle there. This roll seems to be reaching out to touch someone like the old telephone commercials, it sticks out further than my breasts and belly and is quite obvious.

I poke this fat roll angrily a few times a day and blame it for all evils from world hunger, to the birth and malignant reign of Celine Dion to the existence of jodhpurs as a fashion trend. When I look in the mirror it’s the focus of all my attention and when I feel I haven’t “hidden” it well enough before I go out I feel as if people are staring and pointing. I once dated someone who asked “why my stomach was all weird like that?”, dated as in past tense as in yes I did dump them though unfortunately not soon enough. Tis the physical bane of my existence.

Back to enough being enough, it’s such a waste of energy to loathe any part of myself that way. I’m trying to have the attitude of “it doesn’t matter because it’s already shrinking and will NEVER get larger”. I decided more drastic steps were necessary. I have named the roll and the scar that adorns it.

I LOVE this picture! My friend Michal took it of Emily and I a few weeks ago at a children’s museum in Baltimore that is amazing enough to have a horse’s rear end for us to pose with. So I was thinking of what to name said roll when for some reason the movie I am Sam came to mind. And LUCY who is utterly impossible not to love in that movie, she is adorable and you want to nurture her (if you don’t tear up during the shoe buying scene, I don’t want to know you). My fat roll is named Lucy now and I will try not to poke it in anger anymore, it’s a part of me and it deserves the same amount of love as an elbow that I lotion everyday darnit. I decided that the scar needed a name of it’s own though. I toyed with calling it Stayne after the Alice in Wonderland baddie w the awesome eyepatch. However in the end I went back to a childhood obsession. The X-Men. Callisto is the awesome leader of the Morlocks, the Joan Jett of comic books and she also has a fabulous eyepatch. Callisto is a survivor and when I look at my scar hopefully that will remind me of what I have been through and triumphed over in my journey. Now Lucy, Callisto and I are off to go have a cup of tea and a piece of my chocolate cake with the beets in it.

I come bearing laughing cow and vita tops

Posted libitina on March 30th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

I have reached my first mini-goal (it took longer than I expected) but I am now 320 lbs! 315 here I come! To celebrate today I got the new Hungry Girl book, and I am so excited! I’m a bit obsessed with HG’s low calorie recipes, I make their Eggplant Parmesan every week. Not to mention I never would have tried Better’n Peanut butter or light swiss Laughing cow or learned 101 uses for fiber one cereal. This week I discovered Healthy Decadence on my Fit tv station and I love that show. I made the Big Mac sauce tonight and a tablespoon transformed my boca burger into a thing of magnificence. I realized today that Hungry Girl, Cook Yourself Thin and Healthy Decadence have become my go to sources that I would be lost without.

I used to love the Food Network magazine, I still do but some of the recipes horrify me now. For example this month there is a recipe for Hummingbird Cake. Here are the ingredients in the frosting: 2 packages of cream cheese, 12 Tablespoon of butter, 2 cups of confectioner’s sugar, 1 Tablespoon lemon zest and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract. My arteries hardened slightly just typing that. I used to double the cheese in every recipe I made and added heavy cream to EVERYTHING. It was my secret weapon along with sherry that made things yummy. I really hope that I can keep from going back to my days of  recipes that called for butter in STICKS instead of tablespoons.

I’m going to have to plan something special for when I get under 300 lbs, again, but this time I’m staying there for good!

Someone left the cake out in the rain…

Posted libitina on March 29th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Today I had a kitchen adventure, I made chocolate cake for the first time since the chocolate beer cake that ultimately made me sugar sick and sad. This cake was from a recipe from Cook Yourself Thin and had a secret ingredient that was odd and slightly terrifying. Beets. A full four ounces of finely grated beets. The cake was also missing some familiar baking friends. Such as butter or oil. It’s 244 calories a slice so I had to try it at least once. When I actually sat down to try a warm forkful frosted with it’s yummy combo of melted dark chocolate, honey and black coffee, I have to say it wasn’t bad. A bit dry perhaps but pretty darn good.

As I wandered about the grocery store today, I kept thinking of ways to make some of my favorite no-no foods in healthier ways. I think next I will tackle fried cheese wantons in a way that won’t kill my diet armed with light swiss laughing cow and wanton wrappers and very little oil. A full third of my cart was fruits and veggies and I had NO prepackaged frozen food for a shock. I realized that as I walked up to the register for the cute guy with the chiseled jaw and bedroom brown eyes to ring me up, I didn’t have to feel ashamed for once about anything I was purchasing.

Maybe I’m paranoid but as a lifelong fat chick I see people look at my grocery cart with a critical eye. I could almost hear their internal monologue, “THREE kinds of cheese?!? no wonder she’s so BIG”, “bacon AND more carbs than I can count, mmmhmm”. I must admit to on occasion buying healthy foods I knew damn well I wasn’t going to eat to take the focus off of my 8 tins of Altoids for the week or my ben and jerrys and 9 mama celeste pizzas. Like a bit of arugula and an apple made it all better.

I read every single label before I put anything in the cart I hadn’t bought and examined before. I took my time, and tried to figure out how I would actually use everything I was buying; mentally sketching out a meal plan for the week. And even though I came out slightly over budget *cough*$40*cough* I walked out with my head held high and dinner plans filled my mind like beets melding into chocolate batter.

A Strong Desire to do BAD, BAD things to an innocent scale

Posted libitina on March 27th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Apologies for lack of updates, this upcoming week will probably be sparse as well as I am in the middle of moving and am bogged down in mundane moving minutiae. I have surprised myself by how well I have been sticking to my healthier eating goals and calories. When I do make a dubious choice such as making my beloved kettle corn a few days ago with its quarter cup of sugar or eating a sandwich from Arby’s I made sure I had the calories to pull it off. However the biggest change from previous attempts at weight loss is that I haven’t said “screw it, I’m already over my calories so I might as well eat whatever I want for the rest of the day/week/month”, this is NEW and SHINY for me.

One day I went over my calories by 350, however those 350 calories were a satisfying fiber/protein packed mini-meal that I honestly needed to satisfy a strong physical hunger. For once I didn’t beat myself up, I knew tomorrow would still be there with all of it’s food and activity choices. I’ve been feeling quite a bit more energetic, if still quite out of shape, making it easier to get housework and such done. I’m proud of me, I’ve been making lots of better choices and I feel so much less controlled by food in general. I still spend a fair bit of time now, planning what I want to eat or cooking, but I haven’t been binging. For once I have generally been eating in a way that if someone walked into the room unexpectedly I wouldn’t feel the need to hide the plate in shameful terror.

There is a blight, a dark dismal spot in the bright sunlight happy place that I am in foodwise however. My scale hates me. I’ve dramatically cut my calorie consumption, I’m eating in a healthier way than ever before in my entire life and am more physically active than I have been since childhood. BUT. THAT. NUMBER. MOCKS ME. I was getting on the scale every morning before breakfast and sometimes it would be a FIVE POUND difference from one day to the next. Nothing makes a girl want to cry than being nearly at her next mini-goal and then seeing herself go inexplicably five pounds in the wrong direction.

I have been told that I look smaller, I think my clothes are fitting better but honestly I am to the point where only my elastic waistband things fit so it’s hard to tell. I think I am going to have someone take my measurements of my hips, waist, bust, upper arms and thighs on a weekly basis at least for a while. The scale has become a soul destroying place for me because I have been working quite hard and still can’t get to 319 (my next mini-goal) . While a bit frightening to know what my hip measurement is (I gain all my weight in my belly) If I know that I lost an inch on my hips that week that can keep me going and from taking a header into a pool of Berger cookies.

The Importance of Being Alice

Posted libitina on March 21st, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Had an incredible weekend went to go see Alice in Wonderland with  Greg and Matt on Saturday and I spent an enormous portion of the film obsessing over the perfection of Alice’s shoulders. I haven’t had body part envy that badly since I was a teen and it seemed to thwack me over the head out of nowhere. I just sat there despising my “schlubby shoulders and watching the light gleam off of hers like little stars. I’ve come a long way with my body acceptance but I still have a ways to go and many miles until I get to body celebration.

On my bad days I remind myself that I am blessed and my body can do everything I need it to. I can walk and dance and breathe and take long languorous bubble baths within its confines. However lately my body has been getting in my way. I can’t go up a flight of stairs without being winded, my feet swell up painfully if I try to be physically active, earlier today I couldn’t skip with my friends at the harbor. For me to get up off the floor from a sitting position takes a level of effort and strategy akin to that of an Amish barn raising. I have a hard time squeezing through spaces and standing up for more than ten mins a go has become painful.

So, I know I shouldn’t succumb to shoulder envy that the real problem is that I am too bulky. When I weighed a hundred pounds less I didn’t grunt like an animal or sweaty spandexed man in a wresting ring every time I got up from the sofa. I could go up three flights of stairs without having to do that half bent, hands on knees gasping for air, red-faced sweat splotched armpits, desperate out of shape thing that I loathe. I hate that I can’t wear backseat seatbelts because I am too fat for them to fit and I see myself going through the windshield every time I am in that situation. I hate the fact that now plus size shops hardly have anything that fits me.

Sometimes I fall of the wagon, a life time of consistently bad choices circling about and whispering my name. The chocolate cake I posted about yesterday I ate some fried cheese when my plans changed and I ended up not going home to eat my whole wheat butternut squash pasta as planned. However more than food owns me, I am tired of living in a body that betrays and hampers me. I don’t wait everyone waiting for me to catch up when we are walking in a group for the rest of my life. I’ve wasted enough time in pain because of the strain my excess fat puts on my frame. I’m stubborn but even I get things through my thick skull eventually. Someday, I will be proud of my shoulders and the rest of me.

Oh, chocolate cake WHY?…

Posted libitina on March 19th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

Why did I bake thee?

Why do you call to me, a weak fool you make me?

Why did I give in?

Why am I not held from temptation by a desire to be thin?

Why did you make me feel sugar sick?

Why do I feel my waist growing thick?

Why am I not flexible enough to give mine own fat ass a great big kick?