Irish Dance Dance Revolution

I hate it… I hate my metabolism.  It’s Shot. Completely Shot…

I gain…. I lose… I gain… I lose…  All because of that damn cyst.  I couldn’t eat for 2 months… I seriously lived on juice and apple sauce, and “baby food”…. and probably hit 1500 calories once a week if I was lucky…. beyond that I think I was in the low 700’s.  And it’s all because the cyst was SO big that it took up whatever room food was supposed to!

I’ve got a new plan to just eat… But now that I’m “just eating” I’m gaining like nobody’s business.  I just want to scream.

I really want to get one of those body buggs (or something comperable) so that I can see JUST how many calories I am burning per day, and base calorie intakes off of that…  Because starving myself doesn’t work… Feeding myself doesn’t work…. I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t want to be this weight in July.  (I have a function I want to be thinner for..lol)

OK. This is my last whiney post.  Action will be taken…. I just have to create a game plan.

Alright– Throw away the old, take in the new.  I saw the doctor today, and she gave me the all-clear to start life again.  

This “cyst-uation” isn’t behind me– I’m being treated like a cancer patient: Without cancer.  And that’s fine, because IF something does happen, I’d want them to catch it.

I went to ballet tonight after I got the OK– It was amazing.  I used to think I was the Sh** (well, mostly) at the barre… and I know how bad I suck on the floor.  I went to a beginner class, and it felt SO good to be up and moving, and stretching, and DANCING.  I’ll probably pay for it tomorrow.. but if I feel ok, maybe I’ll go to modern.. 

This weekend is St. Pat’s weekend: Saturday we’re performing and marching in the parade, Monday, we have class (where I get to DANCE), and Tuesday we have more performances and a big party to finish it off

I was offered a ‘permanent’ position back at work (schedules DO change, but they don’t like to do that very often), and I’m waiting to hear more.  I’m so so excited

I feel like this whole experience was my death: It was terrible, and I couldn’t do ANYTHING I loved.  I was walking around like a zombie most of the time… and there are pictures to prove it..  You know when you’re thinking you’re hiding how you’re really feeling?  And then you see a picture of yourself, and you realize you’re even worse-looking than if you weren’t hiding?…. Yeah. That’s what those pictures look like…

I’m not taking anything for granted anymore: I’m going to dance.  I’m going to work to facilitate the financial aspect of dancing.  I’m going to eat well to be strong to dance.  I will enjoy the movement and not hold back (within reason–no broken bones, thanks!).  This is the fates, or god, who whomever– telling me that I need to take a hard-ass look at my life and redo it.  

What do I love?

What do I need?

What can I live without?

What can’t I live without?

What makes my heart sing?

What doesn’t?

Every time I have a chance to or not to do something, I’ll ask myself these questions, and if my answer fits negatively, I won’t, if it’s a positive, then, regardless of the effort it takes to put into it, I WILL do it.  

So what if it’s a 15 minute drive to ballet?  So what if it’s a 30 minute drive to Irish?  SO WHAT if it’s a 35 minute to Modern?  Who cares if it’s hard to get back to the freeway?  DO IT.

Nothing else will make you feel as good as doing these things, so do them.

And I will.

Hm I feel like I just don’t even know anymore.  I think I’ve lost my way.  I have nothing to work toward.  I’m under 160 - a VERY comfortable place for me, but I would love to be THINNER.  Those bouts of hunger were weird, though.  Were they subconscious sabotage?  Am I really that hungry?  Is there REALLY any reason I should have done that?

I was really successful on Weight Watchers when I was 18.  I lost 30lbs from October-February.  35lbs in 4 months!  ….REALLY??  And it’s taken me OVER a year (I started Dec 31, 2007) to lose 30…  

Yeah: I took a break between Weight Watchers and Calorie Counting to do some vegetarian-lifestyle without borders…  That lasted about 2 months (basically summer break).  Ok.. OK and then I took a “break” recently (before surgery) because it was too depressing to see that I was eating 2500 calories one day, and 400 the next..  

So.. why am I lost?  This is a journey.  This is a lifelong commitment.  I’m marrying healthy-low-weight lifestyle…  And yet?  I’m confused.  I’m unhappy… and I’m food obsessed.  

I don’t even know that listening to someone help me out would even work.  I KNOW everything that SHOULD happen in a lifestyle.  I’m DESPERATE to maintain “normality” while dieting.  If I want a sandwich: I should eat one.  Maybe mine has 21 grain bread, and more mustard than mayo– but at least the ingredients are REAL. 

What helped the “first time” was eating a lot of “box meals” and eating out - A LOT.  (oh, and eating one time a day sometimes: when I would go “crazy” and eat a whole burger and fries from Wendy’s)…  Hm.

It seems that in order to get skinny, one must be “deprived” all the time.  And I HATED that feeling so much that I’m DESPERATE not to recreate it.  Maybe that’s why I eat when I’m hungry?  … But not just hungry.  Tummy grumbling cause there’s nothing else for it to do?  (or maybe it’s just digesting)

I feel a little insane right now.  ”Dieting” for this long with such LITTLE results.  Like dieting is my abusive boyfriend and I keep going back to him because “it’ll be different this time”. And it is different: It’s worse, because it’s not working.  And it’s not working because I’m rebelling.  Why?  If it works for SO many people… WHY mess it up for myself?  If it worked in the past - WHY let it stop working now?  

I want ~things~ (tools) to help me.  The gowear fit thingie looks really cool, and helps calculate what you’re really doing throughout the day.  But: I’ve been doing this for a year without it: Why have it now?
I want to go back to weight watchers for the meetings.. but finding a good meeting full of positive people is HARD: People who are losing weight and RESTRICTING themselves from the things they love (rather than moderating them) are UNHAPPY….  Maybe they’re happy with the #’s on the scale, but they’re not happy with the changes they’re making because they’re HUNGRY.  Because we’re given a number, not a meal-plan.
I want to go to a nutritionist…  But I want to eat REAL food– not necessarily quinoa  and pomegranates all the time, but CHOCOLATE, PEANUT BUTTER, CHEESE…  Things that make foods taste good!  Bland is grand, but in order to stick with it: I need FAT and FLAVOR: Which are generally frowned upon.

More than anything else in the world, I want my doctor to say that it’s cool for me to go back to dance/exercise.  I realize it will be a process– but to be able to get up and MOVE again would be so amazing.  Even Richard Simmon’s Sweating to the Oldies would be wonderful right now: but I don’t know how MUCH I’m allowed to do!  (I know I can walk.. I’m allowed to and CAN do that).  

I think I’m depressed because I’m not getting the exercise and endorphins that I used to…  ”Happy people just don’t kill their Husbands” (Elle Woods)– And my diet-husband is getting mutilated.  

I don’t want to bank my whole happiness on the fact that I can/cannot exercise, though: because what if I CAN go back to dance, CAN do my tapes… and I’m STILL unhappy?  What do I do?  ….  I guess do some more soul searching?

It’s so weird how 5 calories can make a difference.  (ok well. 100).  At 1550 calories, I could BARELY eat all of my food!  now, at 1440…  I feel like I’m starving.  (well..)  *sigh*  This is such a mental game.

This happened “last time”, too– Where I got to 150, 148, 151, and 155 (respectively).. Because it was TOO hard to keep losing after a certain point.  I feel like at the 1440 calories I’m eating right now: I’m eating the bare minimum I can for a day.  If I ate any less, I’d have to skip a meal!  … What am I going to do if I lose enough weight to get into the 1200’s?  NOT eat?… How do some people keep good food lists and still get 1200 calories…????  

I think I’m sad, and psyched out.  :(  Eurgh.  :(

What do I do…?

Alright– It’s sunny out, I’ve got the weekend off, I’ve got 2 big projects to finish up before Saturday’s St. Patrick’s Day Festivals: Everything’s looking up, and yet? … I’m unhappy….

We’ll just skim over the dirty details and say that some days, I’m between 14-1600, and other days… I’m well over the 2,000’s.  Am I bored?  Am I hungry?  What the frig is going on with my BODY!!!

Ok ok: I “just” had surgery.  Pretty major abdominal surgery on Jan 26th (see “cyst is such a dirty word” page for more info).  So, I’m just over 6 weeks out of surgery, and I’m healing/healed– I feel great!  Craving a lot of protein, too… Anyways: I see my Doctor on Thursday, and hopefully she’ll tell me I can start moving again  (like dancing/exercising)

So I’m trying to figure out what’s happening with my cravings: It’s almost like every other day I’m able to stay OP– No willpower, no struggle, no nothin!  Just easy-peasy OP.  And then there’s those other days… where I’m munching on EVERYTHING in sight…  – I’m going to take a look at my Daily Plate and see my protein levels before my… *sigh* Binge? … It’s not even a binge.  It’s HUNGER!

The other thing is that I’m no longer feeling “full”– and maybe I’m chasing that feeling!  I ate a huge chicken caesar salad and a hearty helping of Mac and Cheese– Still no full feeling, just “nope, no more, thanks”.  And then I went to the chocolate for dessert (which, really, should have waited, or not happened)

So today, I’m going to try to eat on a “schedule” and see if that helps.  I had breakfast at 10:30, so there’s my starting point.  Maybe I’ll just go ahead and plan out my day so there’s no reason to be off-track.  (Also, I’m going to baggie up all those girlscout cookies so that Evan and I can eat “servings” instead of “sleeves”….)

10:30a - Breakfast
1 c Raisin Bran - 190
1/2c Milk - 60 
Total: 250 

12:30p - Lunch 
Trader Joes Sourdough Bread - 160
Mayo - 70
Yellow Mustard - 5
Romaine Lettuce - 3
Chunk Chicken Breast - 70
Kraft Cheese Slice - 50 
Total: 358

4:30 - Dinner
Trader Joes Brown Rice Penne - 200
Newman’s Own Vodka Sauce - 55
Chicken Parmesan - 258

• Chicken Breast
• 1/2 Egg
• Bread Crumbs
• Parmesan 
• Oil

Total: 513

9:00p - Late Snack
Yogurt - 70
Frozen Cherries - 28
Total: 98 

Munchables:
Apple - 80
Apple Sauce - 50
Grapes - 50
Blueberries - 42 
Total: 222 

Grand Total: 1441 — If I stick to this, it should be fine.  Girl Scout Cookies can wait til tomorrow, or I can have ONE thin mint after dinner.  I can do just one cookie

Alright, guys, let’s see if this works.

But it didn’t make them smaller, either!!! (not by much, at least) 

Well, hello everyone It’s Christmas Eve. I’ll be writing again in a week.  New Years Eve marks 1 year at this journey.  More info will be around on THAT then

To snow and Christmas:

So… Seattle has been snowed in.  Lynnwood has been even worse… I can’t even get OUT of my apartment complex… this is terrible  I haven’t bought Evan his gift yet.  I’m getting him Hiking boots: And he knows about it.  We’ve been planning on getting him fitted for the past two days.. but: No Leaving the house.  Plus, he feels crappy for not getting me anything (physical).  He did get me something, though: He got me a magazine subscription that I REALLY wanted! (and some cute slippers, too!).  *sigh*  So we got one gift: A cat toy for Percival….  Happy. Holidays. 

That’s how many pounds down as of 11/07/08  SO close to 20lbs, but I consider it as good as!  I’ve lost 6.5″ in the waist, 3.5″ in the hips, 1″ in the arm, and 1.25″ in the leg. (right side measurements)  Since December 31, 2007!  (see the “pictures” tab for updates)

I have a Christmas goal of being 160.  Approximately 5lbs in 7 (ish) weeks  I’m very excited!  

I haven’t seen 165 in 2.5 years.  And I was thinking about my weight gain this morning– How, when I was a kid, I weighed 160, pretty much consistently.  It was from 6th grade-11th grade, and then once I started dating Evan, I ballooned…  (we ate out a lot!!) But then I lost 35lbs, and got down to 145.   Ah well–the past is the past.

The main thing is that I maintained that weight (around 150) for 2 years, and in one year, it crept up.  I tried a couple of times to “control” the gain, but they just slowed it down.  I’m working hard to keep expectations high enough so that I’m losing the weight, but low enough that I’m not setting myself up for failure… and it’s working so far  3FC has definitely helped me  

I’m pretty sure I’ve decided that I would like to be maintaining my ultimate goal weight by Christmas next year…  nothing would bring me more joy!  I’ve thought a lot about maintenance because I’ve yo-yoed so much.. I’ve been there a couple times, and, obviously, I’m doing something wrong each time…  

1. I’m not tracking unless I’m gaining weight — and sometimes I wait too long
2. I’m not eating healthy, I go back to old habits
3. I stop weighing myself, and let my clothes be the “indicator”
4. I take orders from cookies  (cookies are the ultimate weakness when I’m not “dieting”)
5. I convince myself I can “let loose and have a little fun, after all, I’ve earned it” when it comes to food
6. I don’t give myself rewards for maintaining milestones (something I DEFINITELY plan on doing!)
7. I don’t eat for pleasure or nutrients, I eat to “show I can”
8. I somehow convince myself I’m “gaining weight because I’m happy”
9. I mistake the guilty feeling of over-eating with the pleasurable feeling of spending time with friends
10. I suck in my stomach, arch my back, and turn to the side when I look in the mirror to see if I’m “fatter”… (hmm.. taking “how to look 10lbs skinnier” advice from internet weight loss ads?) 

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I will be tracking my food in one form or another for the rest of my life.  As much as I love boundaries, I also love to rebel against said boundaries…  I don’t mind following the rules for a set period of time, but if it’s going to be indefinite… I get a little “captivity crazy”.  It’s helping, though, to know that I’m using the daily plate to track nutrients, as well as calories, so I know, as a vegetarian, that I’m getting enough daily vitamins, and I won’t get yelled at by the doctor

Oi.. Ok  I think I lost my train of thought.  Good for you, to everyone who got through this Novel!  And to all of you TL:DR’s, no worries, I don’t know that I would have read it either

I know what I want to do for the rest of my life…  EAT THIS FOR DINNER!! Every night  Or at least once a week!  447 calories of the MOST TASTY THING in the world

(Clockwise) Baby Carrots, Pumpkin custard, Vegetable Rolls, and Cucumber Rolls… 

I’m still sitting here.. just looking at it (while I write my post) it’s so yummy looking, I don’t want to make it go away! (Ah, so the reason for the picture comes out! lol)

Hope everyone else had an awesome dinner  I think..maybe..Just maybe.. This is what my thanksgiving will look like!

<3 Kat

So.. the night before the “dreaded halloween” potential for candy-bingeing! … and WHAT do I do????

EAT 2,014 CALORIES!!

But not in candy!

My goal is 1,580 (lol thedailyplate says so, at least..). I did dance today, as well as Wii Fit step for 20 minutes.. but..  I’m sure it didn’t help TOO much.

Worst part is that tomorrow is weigh-in. *sigh* I think I’m going to budge Weigh-In to Saturday instead. 

Just ranting, by the way 

Happy Halloween Everyone!!  And good luck!! 

ALRIGHT!!  I found an iron supplement that tastes like a garden!!  lol  So maybe the taste isn’t exactly something I would choose on my own, but it leaves a really FRESH feeling in my mouth  

I had a protein berry workout with soy protein, daily vitamin boost, and a wheatgrass shot, and it was REALLY good  I could BARELY taste the wheatgrass  So exciting.  I know it’s definitely an acquired taste.. but I can acquire it