It took me a good week for it to hit me. I have basically been crying for two days. She could live 5 years, but it doesn’t seem like she wants to. Almost every time I talk to her on the phone, she is pushing me to have my wedding real soon. She calls everyday. I wish I didn’t live a thousand miles away so I could really see how she is doing in person.
The cancer is in her bones and lungs and lymph nodes around her kidneys. The cancer in her bone is making her nauseous ever day and all night long. The pain is unbearable she says. The pain killers she is on, that barely touch this pain, make her constipated. None of the anti-nausea medications are working good enough to let her eat or drink anything.
I try to be supportive, but if I have to hear her talk about just letting herself die one more time, I am going to scream. She hasn’t even REALLY started her treatment yet. I want her to wait until she is a few weeks in before she is making all these life decisions. I guess I don’t have to live with the pain though, so…
I am 33 years old. I just realized today that my mom was only in her 30s when her mom died. It seems really unfair. I am supposed to have at least 30 more years with her. This is just ridiculous.
It is midterms week. I can’t believe I have been able to do my homework up to this point. Somehow I am plugging away even though my brain isn’t always working. I can’t even THINK about studying right now. At least the sun is finally out today.
I weighed in at 283 pounds this morning. That is pretty good since I all started this week off at 284 and gained a pound somewhere (Fat Tuesday, even though I am not Catholic). But I re-lost it, and 1 to boot. We will see how that goes at actual weigh in day. I do that on Mondays which I find so silly because I splurge almost every weekend. I think I should weigh in on Fridays. Not changing it now though, Hell, who knows, maybe it keeps me from eating that huge dessert all by myself.
I took a day off somewhere in the past week and I decreased my daily walking for a bit. It seems I needed some time to recuperate. I only lost 3 pounds last month, but with my birthday and all the emotional eating I did, I am glad I lost anything.
Down 17 pounds total so far. 113 to go. One year and one month. I can do it yet.