The Mirror Should Break

It’s been a LONG time since I last posted here…actually a little over 2 years. I lost my password (again!) & then just lost my passion to write. But these issues are still here, & I still have a voice.

So a lot has happened in 2 years, but we’ll try to stick to the physical.

I’m still struggling with acceptance of my body. People tell me I’m thin or how beautiful I am, but I don’t see it. *shakes head in disbelief* …I just CAN’T see it. I dress quite stylishly on a daily basis, trying to gauge my beauty by the compliments I receive. But it’s never good enough & the harder I try, the more vain people think I am. But I’m NOT vain, not at all…I’m the opposite, & I’m just trying to feel pretty enough. I even plan my outfits the night before so they can reach my unrealistic perfectionist standards. On occasion, I’m lucky enough to look in the mirror (or reflective object I pass by) & think I look good. Not my expensive clothes, or my fancy boots, but ME. I LOOK PRETTY. Oh what I’d give for those fleeting moments to last.

As for food, well, oh boy. I’m still vegan (like that’ll ever change) & that has been going well for me. In the 5 years I’ve done veganism, I figured out a lot & I made it work for me. I go through spurts of being neurotically healthy (okay, so less of a spurt & more all the time) with a few indulgent allowances. And aside from those few indulgences (like Slurpees, Swedish Berries, & suckers) I had found the healthiest version of EVERYTHING. Low cal, low sodium, high fibre, high nutrient…I had my diet ALL FIGURED OUT.

That is, until a few months ago. In about March of this year, I started feeling REALLY poorly. I was having boughts of diarrhea (anywhere from 5-10 times daily & sometimes more) & couldn’t seem to keep anything in me. The more I ate, the more I ended up in the bathroom…& I dropped a lot of weight. (having not much weight to lose). My iron plummeted to 3 (10-15 is considered healthy) & I ended up so weak I couldn’t even get out of bed to go across the hall to the bathroom. I was scared. We tested for a lot of things & I didn’t get much better. I just got depressed on top of it. I didn’t want to eat anymore because my body hurt from expelling so much, well, crap. I was living off high-calorie things I normally wouldn’t allow myself, & electrolyte-type drinks. My mom even brought me home a jar of peanut butter (I’m never allowed peanut butter due to my brother’s allergies) just to get me to eat something. And after a few months of complete HELL, it dawned on my doctor. Celiac. It was one of 2 things that my bloodwork showed (through an elevated protein level), & could explain the diarrhea, the weight loss despite no change in diet, the low iron, etc etc. So we could do one of 2 things. One, a biopsy (but I really didn’t want a camera being shoved down my throat) & 2, a trial period of 3 months on a gluten-free diet & checking the bloodwork after that to see if the protein level had decreased.

This trial started at the end of July, so 3 months is up in about a week. However, even if the bloodwork shows the protein level hasn’t changes, I’m not going back to gluten. A few weeks into this changed lifestyle, I felt so much better. The diarrhea had stopped, I got my energy back, & despite the few dips (like crying to find out soya sauce had wheat in it, or having to re-do my already difficult diet COMPLETELY), it was worth it. So now I’m a gluten-free health-conscious vegan…wish me luck finding somewhere to eat out, haha.

I’m still fighting food. My stomach is sensitive, my taste & palate are even MORE sensitive, & I have such an unhealthy desire to be thin…but I love food. I love the way it feels in my hands & on my tongue & in my belly, the way it smells & fills the air, learning where it came from & what it’s used for, what it can do for my body (or against it) & how I can manipulate it, take power over it & exert FULL creative license. That’s my dad in me. He loves food too (some would say a little too much). But a love hate relationship isn’t complete without the hate…which is my mom. She eats the same thing every day because she knows what works for her, what will keep her thin. She denies most of the things she loves because she could “never have just one”. She has moderation issues & is scared of binging. I’m with her on that one…though the difference is from time to time I do binge. I sneak food, I eat until I’m sore, & I regret it. And the next day (or week) I work to undo it. I purge with exercise (no laxatives or diuretics anymore THANK GOD) or with starvation to compensate. I’m so like her…I’m so like everything I hate about her. I probably hate it because it reminds me of what I’m fighting. Reminds me of everything I am going through. I’ve always said, “I have my dad’s appetite & my mother’s mentality”…& it is so beyond true.

I want to be healthy. Healthy for me isn’t working out religiously or ALWAYS “Clean Eating”…it’s moderation. It’s having a chocolate bar because I damn well want one, & working out because it feels good & does good…not because I feel I HAVE to. Or I SHOULD. Those are lousy reasons to treat yourself well. Because if you’re only exercising & eating well because you think you SHOULD, what’s the point? You’re doing it for society, for everyone else. You need to be doing it for yourself. That’s where this is hard. I’ve been losing & gaining the same pounds over & over because of what others think, of what others say, to please others, to rebel against others…always about others. Never me. What do I want??? …Well, for starters, the mirror should break. (Hey, it’s not working anyway).

Mistake be not undone.

Every time I make a mistake, I feel like it has to be hidden. Like the world mustn’t know that the mistake was ever made to begin with. If I made fun of a teacher to appear funny for my peers, I’d stay in at recess to apologize. If I hang up on a friend after fighting, I almost immediately phone back to tell them I’m not really that mad. And yes, even with food…if I eat too much I’m led to overdosing on laxatives, drinking tonnes of water, throwing up into a toilet, binging even more(yeah, cause that one will help), or exercising into the wee hours of the night(lately my personal favorite). And because the mistake has been undone it technically doesn’t exist…meaning I haven’t done anything wrong & nothing needs to change. But when it happens every day & I feel an enormous guilt over having one candy or a bite of cake…things obviously need to change.

Which is where I am now. I figure if I admit my mistakes I can see where I went wrong & perhaps not make as many mistakes in the future. Every day will be new…where I’ll either make mistakes or I won’t. But none of this covering up. No facades, no hiding, no lying about who I am or what I’ve done. It ends right now.

I am Tori, & I have a problem. I eat too much when I’m stressed, too little when I’m sad, & don’t like my body. Eating disorders have taken over my life, pushed friends away & ruined my relationship with my mom. I want to love myself again, but will start with liking one piece of me at a time…

…I hear I have nice eyes.

Lost my password, back on track.

It only keeps you logged in for so long, & then you need your password again. Some stupid jumble of letters & numbers that the website assigned me…it’s a wonder how I ever lost  that! LOL

I did have a lot to write this past week, but I’ll catch up. What’s important is that I’m back now…so look forward to some good ol’ rants.

It’s really that easy?

So I saw my eating disorder counselor for the fourth time yesterday, & she gave me some interesting advice. She said that when I find myself confronted with an uncomfortable situation based around food or body (or anything really) I should just walk away. No commenting, provoking or engaging…which makes perfect sense. (It’s a wonder I’d never figured that out sooner). So ALL THAT TIME spent on counting mom’s calories & trying to make sure she got enough, buying her treats just so she’d eat something, suggesting healthy alternatives for my brothers, & defending my own food choices…wasted! I  could have just walked away. Hmm, if only I had known that those middle-school teachers saying years ago, “To beat a bully, just ignore them” were right, I could have saved myself a lot of grief. But I know that now, & that’s all that matters. Onward to health! Onward to happiness!

Befriend pants…you’ve got to be kidding

When I was bigger I hated pants. Now that I’m smaller, I still dislike pants. For some reason(I think it’s because they show a part of me that I’m the least comfortable with…my “big” soccer-player, bike-rider legs) I’ve never really embraced them. I own one pair of jeans(after not having any for 5 years) & only bought those because my friend said he always admired when a girl wore a slim pair of denim…but I barely wear them.

But over the past couple of months, as I’ve not only gotten smaller but tighter, pants have slowly crept their way into my heart. I actually don’t mind them now. Today I even bought a pair of American Eagle pants, & they’re a size 4…FOUR! (I think they must’ve been labeled wrong or a very large 4 haha). But the fact that I paid full-price for PANTS, of all things, amazes me.

I’m back to being me in my clothes, & it feels great. No more hiding in baggy sweats, but wearing the clothes that nobody else dares to even try on!

Perfection is my obsession…

I eat healthy, I exercise, I lose the weight, I feel great…& then I binge. And where it seems to take me months to LOSE one pound, it takes me one binge to gain 5 or 6. (Which doesn’t make any sense if you add up the calories). But heck…that’s life for ya’. I’m just sick of losing & regaining the same 10 pounds over & over. So it’s time to change.

I’m not even 20. I should be out partying with friends, having a good time, & making the best of what energy & vitality comes from being 19. But I’m not. I’m spending so much time, energy & passion into losing weight & being something nobody ever can be…perfect. I obsess so much that I alienate myself from other people my age & because I’m so young anybody older just rolls their eyes & says, “You’ve got plenty of time to worry about your weight once it’s actually a problem.” Well, I don’t want it to be a problem before I try to fix it. I’m fixing it NOW.

One thing that comes from being a perfectionist is that instinctive driving force to please people. And don’t think this doesn’t cross over to food as well. I accept food I don’t want from my best friend’s family to avoid possible insult, eat theater popcorn/candy/pop with my best friend so he won’t worry, & share slurpees with my best girlfriend in summer so I can “fit in” & “be normal”. But being so detached from yourself & your body that you give it what it doesn’t want isn’t that normal. Nor is it healthy. To be healthy I’d have to admit that sometimes I’m not hungry when people offer me food(or just don’t like what they have to offer), that theater popcorn gives me an upset stomach, that pop bloats me & I don’t like carbonation all that much, that eating so late at night disrupts my sleep AND food patterns, & that slurpees spike my blood-sugar & give me headaches.

So now I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m not going to eat all of my soy ice-cream, even though I don’t like it, just because I paid too much money for it. (I just won’t get that flavor again). I’m not going to binge just so those temptations can be out of sight. And I’m not going to waste my youth on hating myself. I’ve got too much personality & spunk to hide it behind eating disorders, diets, & self-deprecation.

Time to start loving, appreciating & taking care of myself. Starting with some well-deserved sleep. <3

letting my family’s demons out of the closet.

I live in a family where talking about weight-loss is normal. Everybody is on a diet at all times & if you’re not, you’re sometimes labeled as fat. My mom has an eating disorder so she’s the only one that gets to hide. Everybody(well, except me) is afraid to voice their opinions with her & continue to walk on eggshells. I’ve been through the same thing…except with my eating disorder, it seemed to be EVERYBODY’S business.

So my question is this…Why is it okay to talk about somebody’s(ie. my) weight so much that they develop an eating disorder, but taboo to confront someone(my mom) who already has one? If people commented so much on me being chubby(which I wasn’t) that I became insecure enough to want to lose weight I didn’t have to, do they feel that they own my issues? That they have a RIGHT to comment? Because honestly, the comments aren’t what bother me…I just wish it wasn’t so one-sided. I mean, if you’re going to admit to the world that your daughter/sister has an issue with her body, be ready to admit that your wife/mother does too.