Every time I make a mistake, I feel like it has to be hidden. Like the world mustn’t know that the mistake was ever made to begin with. If I made fun of a teacher to appear funny for my peers, I’d stay in at recess to apologize. If I hang up on a friend after fighting, I almost immediately phone back to tell them I’m not really that mad. And yes, even with food…if I eat too much I’m led to overdosing on laxatives, drinking tonnes of water, throwing up into a toilet, binging even more(yeah, cause that one will help), or exercising into the wee hours of the night(lately my personal favorite). And because the mistake has been undone it technically doesn’t exist…meaning I haven’t done anything wrong & nothing needs to change. But when it happens every day & I feel an enormous guilt over having one candy or a bite of cake…things obviously need to change.

Which is where I am now. I figure if I admit my mistakes I can see where I went wrong & perhaps not make as many mistakes in the future. Every day will be new…where I’ll either make mistakes or I won’t. But none of this covering up. No facades, no hiding, no lying about who I am or what I’ve done. It ends right now.

I am Tori, & I have a problem. I eat too much when I’m stressed, too little when I’m sad, & don’t like my body. Eating disorders have taken over my life, pushed friends away & ruined my relationship with my mom. I want to love myself again, but will start with liking one piece of me at a time…

…I hear I have nice eyes.

It only keeps you logged in for so long, & then you need your password again. Some stupid jumble of letters & numbers that the website assigned me…it’s a wonder how I ever lost  that! LOL

I did have a lot to write this past week, but I’ll catch up. What’s important is that I’m back now…so look forward to some good ol’ rants.

So I saw my eating disorder counselor for the fourth time yesterday, & she gave me some interesting advice. She said that when I find myself confronted with an uncomfortable situation based around food or body (or anything really) I should just walk away. No commenting, provoking or engaging…which makes perfect sense. (It’s a wonder I’d never figured that out sooner). So ALL THAT TIME spent on counting mom’s calories & trying to make sure she got enough, buying her treats just so she’d eat something, suggesting healthy alternatives for my brothers, & defending my own food choices…wasted! I  could have just walked away. Hmm, if only I had known that those middle-school teachers saying years ago, “To beat a bully, just ignore them” were right, I could have saved myself a lot of grief. But I know that now, & that’s all that matters. Onward to health! Onward to happiness!

When I was bigger I hated pants. Now that I’m smaller, I still dislike pants. For some reason(I think it’s because they show a part of me that I’m the least comfortable with…my “big” soccer-player, bike-rider legs) I’ve never really embraced them. I own one pair of jeans(after not having any for 5 years) & only bought those because my friend said he always admired when a girl wore a slim pair of denim…but I barely wear them.

But over the past couple of months, as I’ve not only gotten smaller but tighter, pants have slowly crept their way into my heart. I actually don’t mind them now. Today I even bought a pair of American Eagle pants, & they’re a size 4…FOUR! (I think they must’ve been labeled wrong or a very large 4 haha). But the fact that I paid full-price for PANTS, of all things, amazes me.

I’m back to being me in my clothes, & it feels great. No more hiding in baggy sweats, but wearing the clothes that nobody else dares to even try on!

I eat healthy, I exercise, I lose the weight, I feel great…& then I binge. And where it seems to take me months to LOSE one pound, it takes me one binge to gain 5 or 6. (Which doesn’t make any sense if you add up the calories). But heck…that’s life for ya’. I’m just sick of losing & regaining the same 10 pounds over & over. So it’s time to change.

I’m not even 20. I should be out partying with friends, having a good time, & making the best of what energy & vitality comes from being 19. But I’m not. I’m spending so much time, energy & passion into losing weight & being something nobody ever can be…perfect. I obsess so much that I alienate myself from other people my age & because I’m so young anybody older just rolls their eyes & says, “You’ve got plenty of time to worry about your weight once it’s actually a problem.” Well, I don’t want it to be a problem before I try to fix it. I’m fixing it NOW.

One thing that comes from being a perfectionist is that instinctive driving force to please people. And don’t think this doesn’t cross over to food as well. I accept food I don’t want from my best friend’s family to avoid possible insult, eat theater popcorn/candy/pop with my best friend so he won’t worry, & share slurpees with my best girlfriend in summer so I can “fit in” & “be normal”. But being so detached from yourself & your body that you give it what it doesn’t want isn’t that normal. Nor is it healthy. To be healthy I’d have to admit that sometimes I’m not hungry when people offer me food(or just don’t like what they have to offer), that theater popcorn gives me an upset stomach, that pop bloats me & I don’t like carbonation all that much, that eating so late at night disrupts my sleep AND food patterns, & that slurpees spike my blood-sugar & give me headaches.

So now I’m doing what’s best for me. I’m not going to eat all of my soy ice-cream, even though I don’t like it, just because I paid too much money for it. (I just won’t get that flavor again). I’m not going to binge just so those temptations can be out of sight. And I’m not going to waste my youth on hating myself. I’ve got too much personality & spunk to hide it behind eating disorders, diets, & self-deprecation.

Time to start loving, appreciating & taking care of myself. Starting with some well-deserved sleep. <3

I live in a family where talking about weight-loss is normal. Everybody is on a diet at all times & if you’re not, you’re sometimes labeled as fat. My mom has an eating disorder so she’s the only one that gets to hide. Everybody(well, except me) is afraid to voice their opinions with her & continue to walk on eggshells. I’ve been through the same thing…except with my eating disorder, it seemed to be EVERYBODY’S business.

So my question is this…Why is it okay to talk about somebody’s(ie. my) weight so much that they develop an eating disorder, but taboo to confront someone(my mom) who already has one? If people commented so much on me being chubby(which I wasn’t) that I became insecure enough to want to lose weight I didn’t have to, do they feel that they own my issues? That they have a RIGHT to comment? Because honestly, the comments aren’t what bother me…I just wish it wasn’t so one-sided. I mean, if you’re going to admit to the world that your daughter/sister has an issue with her body, be ready to admit that your wife/mother does too.