I still have some reservations. *sigh* I don’t know what’s going on with me. I want to lose weight and get healthy, that hasn’t gone away, but COMPARED TO how I felt this time last year, it’s almost…indifferent. Which I’m not indifferent in the least, but I can’t seem to get ahold of the same determination/motivation I had last year. I want that back. It’s hard to take this seriously when I don’t *feel* that drive to do it right. Ugh.
I have been drinking my water, which is perhaps the easiest step there is, lol. I worked out yesterday and felt awesome, but not today. I’m sort of eating healthier, but I still haven’t gone full force into the diet/exercise that I want to. I wish I could figure out why I’m holding myself back. It is definitely harder with DH around, but that’s just an excuse, because it’s not an insurmountable problem. We only share one meal a day anyway. I just haven’t had the drive I need to buckle down and do this right. Where did it go??? I want it back 
Posted on January 7th, 2011 by srosa
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So, although I’ve taken some small steps back toward the healthy lifestyle I want, I have hesitated to make the big leap back into it full-force. I can’t figure out what’s holding me back. Fear that I’ll fail? I don’t think that’s it…if I fail, I’m just left where I’m at now. Big whoop. Fear that it’ll be hard? I think that’s edging closer to the issue. I *know* just how hard it’ll be, but I think maybe I’ve lost sight of just how GOOD it felt when I was succeeding in eating healthier, exercising every day, and losing weight in the process. Seeing that number shrink felt AWESOME, and beyond that, just knowing that I was working out and *feeling* better, feeling sexier. I need to remind myself of that feeling.
What I need is to get my ass of the couch and start MOVING. I need to walk the dog, work out, move around. Sadly, I’ve been spending the majority of my days sitting on the couch, on the computer/watching tv, not doing much. Usually, the most movement I get is going to the grocery store once a week and when I cook dinner at night (which doesn’t happen as often as I’d like). I feel like maybe I’m working through my issues bit by bit, but unfortunately there aren’t yet tangible results for “working through my issues”. I wish there were a scale for that. I’ve done pretty well on my minor goals - not buying junk food from the shoppette, not buying fast food…but now it’s time to take it a step further. Now it’s time to dive in head first. I’m just scared, I can feel that I’m scared. Why is this so damn scary?!
Hmph. I’m off to re-read my earlier posts from when I was having some success. Maybe that will help my determination to work out every day.
Posted on January 6th, 2011 by srosa
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I am SO MAD at myself. I got all the way down to 8 pounds away from being under 200 for the first time in YEARS, and then…I put it back on. I’m back at 225. I’m so pissed. All those nights lying in bed thinking about how much food I wanted to eat, and FORCING myself to stay in bed and not go binge, wasted. Down the toilet. My fat thighs have rubbed holes in the thighs of my best pair of jeans, and I refuse to go buy more. I swore the next time I bought jeans it would be because I needed smaller ones. On top of this, I’m just..sad. I’m sad that I know EXACTLY what I need to do to fix this problem, and I can’t seem to get off my lazy ass and just do it. I’m sad because other than my weight, I am very happy with my life. My weight is the ONE THING in my life right now that I would change, the one thing that brings me down. I have no excuses. None. Not one single good reason for this beyond my inexplicable laziness.
What happened to my determination? My optimism? What happened to that feeling that I *could* do this, even if I messed up, I would just try again? It’s like I gave up. Which is ridiculous. The disgusting part is the quote from my “goals and inspiration” page: “A year from now, you’ll wish you had started today.” A year ago, I had reached my highest ever weight (for the first time) and was determined to get it off. I was off to a good start. I was determined, happy, not too terribly unrealistic about the effort and time involved. And yet, here I am.
Seriously. What the $%%^ happened to me? I have made some small (very small) changes recently, and I’m doing ok keeping those up, but I am really just ready to make the big leap into full-on weight-loss commitment. And yet……every day…..nothing. It’s like…I don’t know. Maybe I’m scared. I don’t know what of, though. I mean, I can’t really be scared of failure. Failure would just put me exactly where I’m at right now. There’s nowhere to go but up! I think that’s it though. I think I’m scared. I just need to figure out why. I know it’ll be hard. I know it’ll suck. I know I’ll have unending fantasies about junk food for days on end.
I’m about to go to bed, so there’s nothing really I can do about it tonight. But I suppose I could do something tomorrow - take it one day at a time, like I talked about at the beginning of my original weight loss. It seemed to help. And tomorrow DH works (for some reason *I* have an easier time of it when *dh* is on a regular work schedule, what kind of sense does that make?) so there is that opportunity. I could walk the dog, get on my elliptical, do a workout video… I think I’ll give the elliptical and the walk a shot. The elliptical is the least scary of my workouts, and I think it’ll be good to ease into this. I really, really, REALLY want to get through Insanity at least once before we go to Germany. And I would *like* to get through c25k as well. I have the shoes, the music. The weather is warming up. I’d like to do 30 day shred too, but if I actually do Insanity and c25k I’ll probably just leave it at that. I want to arrive in Germany as a fit, healthy, sexy woman. As of tomorrow, I have 95 days. 95 DAYS! That is not long at all…
Posted on January 4th, 2011 by srosa
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Just got word that we are moving to Germany this spring!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I am SO excited. It has renewed my determination to lose weight. Moving, for me, means a new start, a fresh beginning, all that trite bs. And when I meet my husband’s new coworkers, I want to be the hot wife, not the Typical Fat Army Wife. I want to be proud of myself, not just as his wife, but for myself. I’m hoping to get a full-time job there, and I want to be comfortable with myself, I want to walk into my interviews with my head held high and not fidgeting with ill-fitting interview clothes. I have about four months to accomplish this. Wish me luck!
Posted on December 11th, 2010 by srosa
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…I just “paused” in my blogging/weight loss journey because…
MY HUSBAND IS HOME!!!
:D
It feels amazing every time I get to type that. Between finals, family visiting, graduation, and my husband’s homecoming, I just had to pause my journey for a bit. But I am officially hitting the “unpause” button tomorrow! I am so excited about it, too. Though I didn’t lose any weight the past few weeks, I haven’t gained either, so I’m encouraged by that!
DH and I have all sorts of plans (half of which probably won’t end up happening, but we’ll give it our best!). DH is a tall skinny guy with a crazy fast metabolism (it’s a damn miracle I haven’t killed him out of sheer jealousy) so he wants to put on some muscle. We’re going to start going to the gym together and walking the dog together in the evenings. I’m keeping my fingers crossed I can convince another friend to come workout with me at my house. And we’re planning a trip to Mt. Rainier later this week to hike around. I’m not much of an outdoorsy type but I really want to spend my husband’s leave time getting out and around more. We can both be very sedentary and I want to change that.
Oh! And as a belated Christmas/birthday/graduation/anniversary gift, DH got me a wii! I want to get the Wii Fit just for fun (I know it will take me some serious cardio to get the majority of the weight off, but the Wii will be good for “break” days or when I just want to get off the couch and move (I do have those moments, and usually I end up staying on the couch for lack of ideas).
That’s my update for now. I’ll post again later this week, hopefully with good news!
Edit: I almost forgot to post what I’m grateful for today! Though it is the obvious - today I am grateful to have my husband home safe. It puts things in perspective.
Posted on July 27th, 2010 by srosa
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Well, I got tired of waiting for the weather to be nice for c25k, so I’m doing Insanity in the meantime. I’m almost done with the first week, and it’s KICKING MY BUTT! But I always feel absolutely GREAT after the workouts, which is an unexpected perk. Usually after I kill myself working out I just want to curl up and not move. I’m sore as hell but it’s worth it to feel like I’m really getting the maximum workout in. I HAVE NOT given up on c25k but the weather is not getting nicer any time soon and I couldn’t keep sitting around on my butt. I feel like my eating habits really have changed for the better, and while I do have my miserable days where I just want to eat and eat and eat, for the most part I am eating healthy and relatively normal (as opposed to non-stop). Yesterday I was really REALLY craving dominos so I treated myself to subway instead. Still more calories than I would have liked but definitely the lesser of two evils. I love subway, I wish they would deliver.
Graduation announcements are sent out, graduation is on the horizon, and I am ready for summer!
Posted on May 24th, 2010 by srosa
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…because I’ve been absolutely DROWNING in homework lately. Things have been crazy intense with school, and I’m just trying to get through day by day. I’m still figuring out this whole eating healthy thing (without the comfort zone of pre-set meals) and I’m getting it down, slowly but surely. Unfortunately working out has been put on the back burner while I attempt to stay afloat at school, but I’m going to try to change that as well. I was doing really well there for awhile with the exercising, I want to get back to that place. One step at a time! This weekend should be lighter homework wise so I plan on heading to the track and going for a jog. I really like running on a track as opposed to the sidewalks in my neighborhood, so I think I’m going to stick to running on the track and just walking around my neighborhood. I am SO impatient for nice weather to get here so I can take my dog for daily walks. It’s still sporadic but we’ll give it a go this weekend. I had to take her to the kennel for a weekend and I think they fed her too much, because she put on some weight there, despite all her extra activities (community play, group walks and such).
Soooo that’s what’s up! I need to go to the grocery store but I’m really dreading it. I can’t seem to resist the cheez its these days, no matter how much I resist all my other bad foods. Somehow the Cheez-its win every time.
Posted on May 3rd, 2010 by srosa
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Today I completed w1d1 of c25k!!! And it wasn’t difficult at all. I’m not skipping ahead though because I don’t want to rush this. It IS frustrating, though, looking forward to being able to just - go for a run for half an hour, instead of this, ok gotta turn on the right music, gotta get the app going, gotta make sure it stays going, gotta listen for the dinger to tell me when to walk/run. Oh well. The new shoes are nice, but I’m still worried about getting shin splits again. I just hope the weather stays nice enough to keep up with this.
Ugh. That’s all for now, it’s bedtime for me. Back to the school grind tomorrow. Only 9 more weeks of this shit, thank god. I am so, so done.
Posted on April 11th, 2010 by srosa
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I’ve been watching Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution and I LOVE IT!!! I think he is doing such a great thing for America, and a very, VERY necessary thing. Tonight I watched the episode where he has to get 1000 people to learn a meal, and it was such a sad episode - every time I see that girl say her dr said if she doesn’t change her ways, she may only have 5-7 years left to live, I just get all choked up. And I’m glad that freaking radio dj came around. I have a whole big long rant about him that I yell at the tv every time he comes on. The dog thinks I’m nuts, I swear.
Well, today I finally got my new running shoes. My friend Heather got some too, so we’re going for a walk/run tomorrow afternoon! I am FINALLY starting up c25k!!! Wish me luck. I’m excited and a little whiney about it at the same time, but the first week was pretty easy from what I remember. I live on post, and the airfield here is 4 miles around. I’m hoping that by the end of this program I can just run around the whole airfield for my workout. Heather is really really tiny and in shape, but she’s also really encouraging and is never anything but exceptionally supportive. Soo, that’s my update, and today I’m grateful to have such a truly supportive friend like Heather to help me out. Hopefully I’ll update again tomorrow night with the results of W1D1 of c25k! 
Posted on April 11th, 2010 by srosa
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So it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. A LOT has been going on, but now that things have settled down I want to get back into my blogging routine, because I think it really helps me stay on track.
This past weekend was awesome. My best friend was staying with me, her boyfriend pretty much stayed the whole time too (fine by me, he’s nice) had a little party Saturday night and we all had a great time just drinking and talking. We also went out to eat a lot, but I managed to maintain my weight, so I’m still feeling pretty good about it. Yeah, I didn’t lose, but as long as I didn’t gain I’m ok. Particularly because that weekend was nowhere near my norm. Actually, one night we got pizza (a LOT of pizza, 70 bucks worth of pizza, I about shit myself when the delivery guy showed up) but I only ate 3 slices total of mine, and ended up throwing the rest out. *Normally* I would feel as though this were a waste, but right now, my health is worth the waste.
Of course, Monday came around and my two best friends both moved away that day, one to North Dakota and one to North Carolina. One goodbye right after the other really sucked, but I let myself mope for a day or two and now I’m moving on. I still have one good friend left here, at least until she moves away too this summer, but by then at least I’ll have my husband back. It’s hard not to be jealous of her because her husband is going to be home for our college graduation. I really, really wish DH could be there. It’s one of the biggest moments of my life, and I just wish he could be there to share it with me. I’m having my mom record it for him so at least he can see me walk, but it’s not the same. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it!
So I was right in that school is keeping me so crazy busy that it is easier not to go snack-crazy, but it’s also keeping me so busy that I really don’t want to bother with cooking “real” food. I’ve got to crack down on this and figure out a good routine, as food-wise I do very well with a strict, regular routine. I don’t care if I have to eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day, and dinner I *might* alternate between 3 meals, but really that’s the extent of my effort. I’d rather save my energy for working out, which I also need to crack down on. It seems on here I’m always talking about “getting back on track” but I swear, I DO actually spend most of my time “on track”, I just tend to blog when I’m straying from my plan because it helps me refocus. Just so you aren’t reading this thinking man, this bitch needs to quit talking about getting on track and just DO it. I think my day(s) off from exercising are going to have to be school days. Much as I’d like to have a real weekend, by the time I get home from school some days and get assignments done, I’m ready to just collapse into bed out of sheer mental exhaustion (hence not wanting to put much effort into cooking). I’m thinking on mondays and wednesdays when I only have my afternoon class, I will get up early and work out BEFORE class, so that when I can home I can just chill and not feel guilty. Sadly, this won’t work tues/thurs because I have to get up at 9 am anyway, so if I were to work out first, I’d have to get up at 7, and that’s just not gonna happen.
I STILL haven’t started c25k. I know, excuses, excuses. I WILL start this program, as being able to just “go for a jog” is one of my long-term goals. I just wish the weather were better. It turns out my friend H and I have MUCH more out-of-class homework than either of us predicted (we’re both in the same business capstone class) so somehow I don’t picture the gym routine happening. Right now I just wish I could find some extra source of energy, because I feel constantly drained, and it’s frustrating. I take a multivitamin and iron, which helps a little, but really not enough. I usually get an absolute MINIMUM of 7 hours of sleep, usually 8-9, so I know that’s not (or shouldn’t be) the issue. I’m tired of feeling tired all the time. I know it’s not depression, either, because I’ve dealt with depression before and it definitely hasn’t recurred. I don’t know. I’m going to ask my gyno about it at my next dr appt, and hopefully she has some ideas without me having to make a whole separate appointment with my pcm. Other people don’t seem to be this constantly tired and drained, this can’t be normal.
Anyway, so that’s my update. I’ve managed to keep up on my goal of not eating in bed (it’s a 30 day challenge but I can’t remember what day I’m on right this minute, I have a ticker on my ipod for it) except for one night, but I was drunk and completely forgot so I don’t count that lol. I want to work out every day this weekend, to take advantage of the free time. I think if I can cram in an extra long workout on saturday or sunday I’ll let myself only do 5 days a week instead of 6, because tues/thursdays are just horrendous without trying to factor in a workout. We’ll see. I’m just ready to graduate already. Oh well. Only 9 weeks left of school! YAY!
Today, I am grateful that DH and I are lucky enough to be able to afford for me to not work and just focus on school, because I don’t think I could do all of this schoolwork AND try to hold down a job. So thank you to DH, for working so hard for the both of us. I love you sweetheart.
Posted on April 8th, 2010 by srosa
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