about me January 19, 2012
well where do i even begin? i have always always been overweight. i would say when i was a child i was somewhat chubby. not fat,just chubby. my chubbiness stayed with me all through elementery school. did i get teased? yes i did. i think the teasing,layed a strong foundation for alot of weight issues. until i got teased,i was certainly just chubby. not out of hand out of weight,just a tad bigger than the average child. but kids being kids have to tease. i woudnt say i was teased relentlesly,but,enough to do some damage. the weird thing is,i was always popular,and well liked. these little seeds of teasing and being fat and ugly,were planted,so heading into jr. high,i developed a huge weight complex,which led to an eating disorder. i will never forget the first time i stuck those fingers down my throat. i was 13,it was after thanksgiving dinner. i was overly stuffed,as most of us are after a thanksgiving meal. i had this uncontrolable desire to get rid of this full feeling. so i went to the bathroom,stuck my fingers down my throat and threw it all up. wow…. the relief! i felt fabulous. now… my life was in turmoil. my parents were seperatd,my dad had cheated on my mom…and i hated him. we didnt talk for 3 years. now,im not an emotional eater,not at all. this did not cause my big weight issues. however,i think it was the beginning of a control issue. my life was so out of control. the only thing i could control was throwing up. everything i ate i would throw up. this did not help me lose weight at all. i just kept gaining and gaining and gaining. my theory being,my metabolism was completely non existent. i wouldnt always throw up,cause i knew it was wrong. but i couldnt stop. to be honest,im now 28 and i still struggle with not doing it. this habit continued on all through highschool,and i still kept gaining. seems weird that throwing up can cause gain. my life somewhat was back in control by 16 my parents were back together and my dad was slowly coming back into my life. i still couldnt stop throwing up. when i graduated highschool i was 250 pounds. now i am officially fat. not just somewhat chubby anymore. i strongly belive that if i had never gotten teased,or started with the eating disorder,i never wouldve been that weight. im not an emotional eater,im not a junk food addict,or a food addict in general. dont get me wrong,i love good food. i love the taste,i love to be creative,i love food. but i dont think about food all day long. i eat my 2 or 3 meals a day and thats it. i dont have overweight parents or siblings. i never got fast food or pop as a child. we lived on a farm and were extremely active. i never made sense. i didnt fit into my family,looks wise. being 18 years old and 250 pounds sucked. thankfully im a fairly good looking fat girl,haha. so i till got attention from men. not as much as my friends. but still attention none the less. ok… lets fast forward…. im not writing my memoirs here. haha. 24 was the age i decided it was time to lose weight. i bought a treadmill,and used it everyday. the weight came off no problem. i wasnt throwing up. i was eating healthy,so i thought. really i was pretty much starving myself. i still ate,but very little. my start weight was 260 i went down to 230 in about 2 months. then….. i met my future husband. we would go out to eat and eat and eat. we always ate out,he also messed up my whole routine. i very quickly gained that weight back… and then some. fast forward 4 years to august of 2011. my bf and i get engaged. i have spent the last 2 years exercising my butt off,in anticipation of my future wedding. i also ate relatively healthy. did i lose any weight? nope. i had now been stuck at 280 pounds for 2 years. my boyfriend didnt notice my weight gain,as well as any weight loss. i guess hes blinded by love. anyways,i was still throwing up from time to time at this point as well. when we got engaged it was time to hammer down on this losing weight thing. so….i joined weight watchers,september20 2011. my wedding date was for nov 26th. so i didnt have much time to look great. i thought,best case scenario,maybe 10-15 pounds. well by my wedding date i was 26 pounds lighter. weight watchers worked wonders for me. i no longer threw up,i rarely over eat,and im finding myself more motivated to exercise. the wedding day came and went,and i still followed weightwatchers. with the exception of christmas. i am now one pound away from 40 pounds lost. im not working towards any goal other than to be healthier. my weightloss has slowed down,but im still losing regularily. i also thought…. what would happen if i was 280 pounds and got pregnant? chances are i would be over 300 pounds if that were to happen. that was a huge motivator for me. i would not allow the scale to reach 300 pounds. i still have alot of weight to lose. but im well on my way to being healthier. i also realize im not out of the woods. i can still slip up and fall back into old habits. but i have faith that i can continue on this journey,and keep becoming a better version of myself.